What I Can Do (6)
It was the dank, musty smell particular to the abandoned house that finally brought me back to my senses.
Hayun, who had been holding me from behind, smelled fresh and fragrant. Maybe that came from her magic. Or from the distinctive wand she held in her hand. Or—no, maybe it was nothing but my imagination.
The two of us had known each other a long time, but we hadn't often made physical contact. If we were keeping score on that front, Jihye had always been the more forward one. Without any move from me, she would hook her arm through mine, or throw her arms around me in a light hug whenever the mood struck her.
Hayun and I... how should I put it. We had been close for years, but there was a certain line drawn between us.
Part of it was that I had kept my distance myself.
Not because I disliked her. Objectively speaking, Hayun was an enormously charming girl. The way everyone around her was drawn to her, I too had often felt that pull toward her as a person.
But at the same time—we were friends.
Because I couldn't know what kind of person I would become if the me inside me crossed that line, and because I refused to hurt Hayun, my friend. And above all, because Hayun was sharply perceptive of anyone who approached her wanting something from her.
So I had kept a certain distance all this time.
Which was exactly why it took the dank smell of this house to bring me back to myself.
"...!"
Startled, I pulled free of Hayun's arms.
Her grip, surprisingly, held no force at all. The moment I wrenched away, her hands left my sides far too easily.
I turned to find Hayun standing there with a faintly shocked expression.
Was it because I'd shaken her off?
Judging by where her eyes were pointed, that didn't seem to be it.
Over the week I had spent living here, I had tried, in my own way, to make the place livable.
No—that wasn't quite it. I hadn't tried to make it nice. I had simply cleared away whatever offended my eye as best I could. No matter how much I fussed over the place alone, it was never going to look like somewhere people actually lived. And frankly, I didn't want it to.
The wallpaper—moldy, drooping, peeling in patches—I tore off entirely and stuffed into the agungi firebox to burn. What greeted Hayun's eyes, then, were mold-flecked concrete walls, rotted clean through in spots where whole strips had come free.
Even if the place had looked worse before, to Hayun—who had never seen that earlier state—this was simply the worst, full stop.
Most of the glass in the house was broken.
Whether someone had once come looking, or whether hail had battered its way in during all the years no one tended the place. Perhaps a beast had passed through. Whatever the cause, only a handful of windows remained whole. Even so, I'd figured pitching a tent inside beat standing square in the cold night wind. At least this place had a roof.
I had swept the dust from the floor as thoroughly as I could, but the only cleaning tools I'd been able to find were ancient relics abandoned as if with an entire storeroom. The rag was too filthy to serve any purpose at all, and the broom had lost its bristles here and there, barely sweeping anything.
There was no dustpan either, so I'd had no choice but to shove the dirt out through the open door, which left dust caked here and there in the tracks of the sliding door.
To Hayun—someone who, I'd wager, had never set foot in some cheap rented boarding room where people actually lived, let alone a place like this—the sight must have been a shock.
Then again, even by my standards, this was no place for a human being.
"...What are you thinking?"
I said to Hayun.
She still wore her magical girl form.
The pink light-blade that had surged from her wand was already gone, and the garment woven of mana was torn in places. There were small wounds on her face as well.
And yet, in that battered outfit, wearing that pitiful expression, Hayun still looked somehow noble.
Was this, too, like the fragrance I'd sensed—just something I believed because I believed it?
"Jieun."
Hayun called my name.
I took a step back—and then it dawned on me that I could hear footsteps behind me as well.
A look around told me Hayun and I were not alone in here.
The other magical girls had all followed me.
Every last one wore a shocked expression. They showed no sign whatsoever of attacking, but to my eyes, those expressions themselves felt like an attack.
Their gazes drifted over the ruined house before settling on me, and there was pity in them.
I hated that.
"What is this...?!"
I shouted before I could stop myself, then hastily shut my mouth.
I could feel my circuit thrumming.
My pulse climbed and my breath went ragged. I had no idea how I was supposed to take all this in.
If I had taken Hayun along to the orphanage, would I have felt this shaken?
The very fact that I was shaken was a shock in itself.
Since arriving in this world, I had believed I could hold my head high about myself. Sure, there was plenty to be ashamed of. Because of my two-faced feelings for Hayun, I had stepped into an evil organization, and at some point I'd gone in so deep that even while being used, I couldn't easily pull free.
There wasn't a single thing I set out to do that I carried off perfectly.
But even so—I was still me. Ashamed as I was, I'd thought I accepted who I was.
Even after coming here, I'd held my head high. If anything, I'd been glad to be far from everything that tormented me. Lighter, I'd told myself. At ease.
Had that been sincere? Or was it just a lie I'd invented to deceive myself in the name of self-preservation?
Whichever it was, Hayun stepping into this place had shattered it all.
Just as I had never once let Hayun inside the orphanage, there had been a psychological fence around this place, too.
Someday, I'll get out of here.
Once I'm out, everything will be okay.
And that's why even if I told Hayun—even if she found out someday—it wouldn't be so wretched—
Well. Since both the orphanage and this abandoned house had ended up discovered anyway, it was all moot now.
"..."
The strength went out of my body.
My grip loosened, and the hammer dropped from my hand with a thud.
My magical girl attire had already reverted to everyday clothes. Those everyday clothes were somewhat the worse for wear—and they were the only clothes I owned.
I really hadn't thought this through.
Well, transforming into a magical girl left little choice. Stripping bare and wearing a dress made purely of magic seemed like a bit much.
Even having become the magical girl I'd always wanted to be, I was still wretched.
Perhaps because she'd watched my form return to normal, Hayun's figure flashed once and reverted as well—tattered here and there, like mine.
And yet, at the same time, she was put together to a degree I couldn't even compare with.
She had brought a few changes of clothes with her. I was in exactly the state I'd rolled out of bed in. My hair was matted in clumps everywhere, and my clothes, unlike Hayun's, were hopelessly rumpled.
To begin with, I hadn't washed properly in days. Where exactly was there to wash in this place?
I had found a trickling stream and rinsed my face, my hands and feet, my arms and legs—but that was all. It wasn't the Joseon era, after all. I didn't have the courage to strip naked and bathe at the edge of a creek.
"...I'm sorry."
Watching my reaction, Hayun apologized in little more than a whisper.
As if embarrassed—as if she had done something horribly shameful—Hayun bowed her head to me as she said it.
"I'm sorry," she said.
I murmured the words back.
What was I supposed to say?
What could I possibly say?
My mind refused to accept the situation. My throat was packed tight with something—the culprit, presumably, was emotion. A dozen feelings rose from my heart and tried to burst out past my lips, but there were too many of them, wedged against one another, and in the end none could force its way through.
"Now, now."
Someone had beaten me to speaking.
At some point, James had vacated his drone and perched himself on my shoulder.
"First of all, allow me to say how pleased I am that we have all been afforded a venue for dialogue."
James spoke in a haughty tone, as though chairing some formal assembly.
"With that settled—why don't you all hand your circuits over to us? Thanks to a device I have prepared, we can hold out for several minutes, but if you continue wearing those circuits, the Federation will pinpoint this location within those same several minutes. I trust none of you wish to be relocated somewhere even worse than here?"
"..."
The magical girls' gazes shifted uneasily.
"We—"
Rose was the first to open her mouth, but before the word was out, Hayun had already moved.
She slipped the circuit off her wrist and held it out toward me.
Her face was blank.
As if it were simply the thing to do, Hayun had wiped every trace of expression from her face.
"Take it, please."
James prompted me.
Numbly, I reached out and accepted the circuit.
"Hayun."
Rose said her name, but Hayun, without taking her eyes off me, spoke softly.
"Please do as he says."
"Yes. Kindly follow her instruction. Otherwise, regrettable as it is, we will be unable to welcome you any further."
James paused.
Then he swept his gaze around the room. I could feel his little feet padding as he turned a full circle on my shoulder.
"Now, in a situation like this, there is of course the option of all of you rushing us at once and winning. But from where I stand, it does not appear you came here to report our position to the Federation. Or am I mistaken? Are you telling me the four of you tracked down this place to brutally assault and subdue a single girl, then hand her over?"
"..."
At James's words, Rose had nothing to say.
"...Seohee-unni. Please."
Hayun hadn't demanded anything of me.
She hadn't demanded safety for the magical girls who'd surrendered their circuits. She hadn't demanded that I turn myself in.
She simply seemed to be saying that she would stay here. That she wanted to be here.
Why?
What could these girls possibly do in a place like this?
With their circuits removed so their position couldn't be detected, the girls here were nothing more than ordinary minors.
Earthlings could turn emotion into mana, but only with a circuit in the middle of it all. Without a circuit, they were nothing—ordinary people whose bodies would simply be crushed if a kaijin pressed down with the tip of one finger.
There was one tent. Even that was a one-person tent that two could barely squeeze into. I had no intention of giving it up, so the rest of them would have to make do sleeping as best they could inside this filthy, damp ruin.
And yet.
Click.
Iris slipped the circuit off her wrist.
"...!"
The other magical girls' eyes went to Iris.
Gazes flicked back and forth between me, Hayun, and Iris.
Iris still looked less than entirely reassured, but she shuffled forward and held her circuit out to me.
I took that one too.
With two girls having surrendered their circuits, Rose was next. Rose still wore an expression that said she wasn't sure this was the right call—but she handed hers over all the same. That was how much she trusted Hayun, I supposed.
Delphinium and Dalia, too, finally gave in and passed me their circuits.
And so, five magical girl circuits ended up in my hands.
"Excellent."
James's voice brimmed with delight.
"There is a blocking device in the bag. You saw the aluminum container, rather like a lunch box? Simply place them inside. Then, at the very least, the Federation will never find this place."
"..."
I nodded and brushed past Hayun.
Then I ducked inside the tent.
Naturally, I'd checked the bag's contents before hauling it all the way here. The thick aluminum canister was, quite literally, just an aluminum canister, so I had stored miscellaneous odds and ends in the bag as well, making use of the space.
I dumped the contents out carelessly into the tent, then tossed the five circuits roughly into the canister—the way you'd toss in something filthy.
Only after closing the lid did I let out a small breath.
"Did you see this coming?"
"No."
James answered my question.
"I knew the magical girls would make contact. I did not anticipate they would follow you here in this manner. You may have been someone quite precious to Blossom, as it turns out."
It wasn't really meant as comfort, or anything of the kind.
James's words meant exactly what they said: that my history with Blossom had proved useful. That was all.
"It was originally built to hold communications gear—take it out briefly when needed, stow it away again after. I little imagined it would see use like this."
"You can block mana-based communication with something like that?"
"The material blocks more than mere radio waves. Have no fear. I may look like this, but I am a Squeakarian—a native of the very planet that built the circuits. Surely you don't doubt I would know their fundamental principles?"
He called his kind 'Squeakarians,' but in truth each pronunciation came out slightly different, as though some tone were laced through it. Or perhaps those weren't tones at all, only the peculiarities of Squeakarian articulation. The range of sounds their species could produce differed so drastically from ours that, to Earthling ears, it all registered as nothing more than a squeak-squeak of onomatopoeia.
I closed my eyes and exhaled, long and slow.
This won't do.
I keep running away.
I didn't want to step outside the tent like this. I had no idea how I was supposed to face the five people who really existed out there.
Hayun most of all.
Having come this far, and having been stripped of their circuits besides, those five couldn't go back. Not unless I sent them home myself.
Maybe I should just open a Black Hole right now and drop them somewhere in Seoul.
I could have done it. From the moment I'd come this far—from the moment I'd laid eyes on Hayun—my circuit had been roaring along at full power. There was energy to spare.
"If you are considering sending them back, I advise against it."
James said.
"You have seen this location, have you not? Even without their circuits, they might yet find their way back."
An abandoned house even I couldn't have pinpointed? A place you had to push deep past any road to reach. There was a rough track a car could crawl up if you were determined, but come spring, even that would drown in weeds and vanish.
"You overestimate magical girls' abilities at every turn, and now you underestimate them. There are people in this world who can identify a location from the mountains in the background of a photograph alone. An expert ought to be capable of precisely that. And cross-examining the testimony of five witnesses would raise the odds considerably further."
"Then what do you want me to do?"
"Stop burrowing in here and go outside. Give the five of them orders—any orders. This is your domain. You are the only one here with food. You are the only one who knows where the water is. You are the only one who owns a serviceable abandoned house."
James whispered into my ear.
"And above all, you are the only one here with a circuit. Do you truly believe five ordinary girls could rush you and win?"
No sooner had James finished than a soft click sounded from that aluminum box that had held nothing at all.
It had locked itself. There had been no lock on it when I looked—I was sure of that.
So it was true, then: it was not merely a box.
"It was built to house communications equipment. It would be quite the disaster if someone came poking around inside while you were away on some errand, would it not?"
"..."
When I said nothing, James heaved a long sigh.
Then he spoke.
"If you truly have no idea what orders to give, allow me to make suggestions."
And, clearing his throat, James said:
"Begin with a body search. There is a great deal besides circuits that can be tracked—phones, for one, and the pagers magical girls carry. All of them are built on ordinary Earth technology, not magic, so they cannot be traced from within this radius. But carried far enough away, they will broadcast your position."
James went quiet for a moment, listening intently with those ears as large as a desert fox's.
"Good. No one has gone outside yet," he said.
"Go. Go out there and make it unmistakably clear that you stand above everyone present. Above the other magical girls—and above Blossom, most of all."
"..."
If I claimed those words moved me not at all, I would probably be lying.
But even so, I had no desire to win like that.
If I told James this thought outright, he would no doubt click his tongue and call me difficult.
I couldn't help it, though.
Because I... was every bit as fond of her as I resented her.
I would never manage to act with the cold ruthlessness James prescribed.
So much so that I wanted to tear my hair out on the spot—but—
—Fine.
It wasn't as though James was entirely wrong.
Holing up in the tent would solve precisely nothing.
Gritting my teeth, I stepped out of the tent.
The girls were still standing exactly where they had been.
They looked a little pitiful, as though they had no idea what I would say, or what I would order them to do.
The sun still hung high outside, but in here it was dim and gloomy. Still damp. Still reeking of something strange. The place looked ready to disgorge some grotesque insect at any moment.
Was that what had cowed them?
Only Hayun was looking at me.
As though her mind were made up completely.
That she would do anything—
It was as if her eyes were saying exactly that, and I clenched my jaw.
Right. That's how it is, then? You'll do anything? That's why you came all this way?
"...You said you were sorry?"
I opened my mouth, looking at Hayun.
Hayun gave a small nod.
"Then at least here—follow my orders."
This place had nothing.
It was never mine to begin with. This house was probably not ownerless—there was no unclaimed land left in this country anymore.
But then, no owner was going to come running to assert their rights over this patch of earth, either.
So.
"First, hand over your phones. I don't want this place found out."
That was what I said.
"Your pagers too."
"The pagers and phones will be returned to you shortly. Of course, with their communications stripped out, I daresay they'll amount to little more than paperweights."
James supplied the explanation from beside me.
This wasn't my land.
But I meant to claim it as mine all the same.
Right. It hardly mattered anyway.
There was nothing here to begin with.
...So if nothing else, at least this much.
It was wretched self-consolation—
and yet, as I watched Hayun move exactly at my word, something stirred deep in my chest.
It was a dangerous feeling. The kind I shouldn't have left alone.
And yet, for now, I left it be.
"..."
As I took the phones, our fingertips brushed for an instant.
Hers were trembling, just slightly.
Hayun was afraid of me.
"..."
Without a word, I turned my gaze toward the other magical girls.