Like I'd Ever Become a Girl?

I curse my past self.

No, a curse isn't enough.

If I had a time machine, I'd go back right now and blast my laptop to pieces with a shotgun.

Back then, I was a hardcore user of this game, <Dice and Academy>.

And as a hardcore user, I poured out "affectionate" feedback to the developers.

[Inquiry] Dear developer, did you teach yourself manners? Does your selfie turn into a family photo? Stop making the dice roll a 1, you fucking asshole.

[Inquiry] You want us to do romance and survival at the same time? Are you trying to make the players go bald? Just because you guys are already bald, you want to make us bald too?

[Inquiry] In a roguelike with no save/load, the unfairness is so high that if you made your grandmother, who's in the hospital with low blood pressure, play this, she'd collapse from high blood pressure, wouldn't she?

...Come to think of it, maybe I went a bit too far.

No, but thanks to that, the feedback was fast, right?

At the time, I thought that was exercising my rights as a legitimate consumer.

But now I know.

That those countless emails were actually a forbidden ritual sacrificing my precious dick.

[Notification: Protagonist Kang Si-woo is approaching.]

[Current likely future: Ending with 11 children with Han Seo-yeon (Probability 99.8%)]

"Ending my ass, you crazy system bastards...!"

I instinctively tried to reach into my pants, then hesitated and collapsed to the floor.

I already know. It's useless to check.

My small and precious dick, which had been with me my whole life, is gone.

My dick is gone now. But in my heart. In this chest, it will remain and live on forever.

If I dig a hole, I'll drill all the way to the womb.

The dick of the heart remains, but why does only a strange, smooth, and somehow empty sensation greet me in my crotch?

And to think I became a leftover insurance heroine who gets forced into a relationship if the protagonist can't get married.

And what about the difficulty? Because of the dice-roll unfairness filled with the developer's malice, users fail at romance 99 out of 100 times.

And at the end of those 99 failures, who is the savior that appears to soothe the users' mental state with insurance money?

Yes, it's me, Han Seo-yeon. Dammit.

"Even if everyone leaves you, I'll be the only one by your side."

It's a tear-jerking line when you hear it in the insurance heroine route in the game.

It's not for nothing that Han Seo-yeon was treated as the 'true wife' in the community, you know?

But now that I'm in a position where I have to personally deal with the text [10 years later, the two have become parents of 11 children] that appears as the screen fades to black with that line, I'm crying tears of blood.

"No. Absolutely not."

What kind of heroine transformation is this, fuck.

There is only one way for me to survive.

It's to somehow get this bastard married to another woman, not me.

It doesn't matter if the partner is a saintess, a terrifying admiral's daughter, or a female character with octopus tentacles that crawled up from the deep sea.

Please, as long as it's not me, it's fine.

Anyone is fine, just take him away!

Becoming a girl and moaning against a man in bed?

I'd rather bite my tongue and die than see that.

"Seo-yeon-ah! Were you here? We're going to be late for the entrance ceremony."

A voice I'd heard countless times in the game came from afar.

Kang Si-woo. In the game's setting, he doesn't have a very active personality.

He looks like a very calm and cool-headed handsome guy.

But I know. How reckless that guy is.

"...Hey, don't open it!"

Slam!

"Hey! Don't come in! I told you not to come in!"

No matter how much my body has changed, my mind is that of a healthy South Korean reservist.

My personality isn't generous enough to welcome someone who bursts into my room without warning.

But this clueless protagonist bastard lightly ignored my warning.

At the same time the door opened, I shot the hand mirror I was holding right at him.

"You crazy bastard!"

Whoosh! The mirror flew toward Si-woo's face, drawing a rather sharp trajectory.

But at that moment, as Kang Si-woo lightly waved his hand, the magic in the air drew a strange pattern and formed a transparent barrier.

Clang!

The mirror hit the invisible wall that appeared in mid-air and fell helplessly to the floor.

...

...

That just now, it wasn't magic, which is the manifestation of an individual's subconscious that humanity handles.

"...Are you crazy?"

The playfulness vanished from Kang Si-woo's face, ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠and he tried to blabber out an excuse, but I shut his mouth.

"Shut up. Zip it."

This stupid protagonist is a descendant of a mage.

Si-woo's father, who betrayed mage society because he loved a human, was able to hide his identity and survive with the help of Seo-yeon's parents, who were the best mages of their time.

The problem is that the moment it's discovered that he's a mage, this game is an instant dead end.

Even I, his helper, would be dragged to the execution ground.

In this world, the bounty on a mage is 1 cent, Dead or Alive.

It's basically a state-guaranteed license to kill. It means you're innocent whether you catch them and kill them, torture them, or use them for biological experiments.

"You, who told you to use magic! Are you dying to die?!"

I rushed at him, grabbed him by the collar, and shook him.

"What if someone sees you! I told you never to use anything other than the spells we pre-arranged to pretend it's magic! If you die, I die too, you clueless bastard!"

"Ah, it hurts! Seo-yeon-ah, I'm sorry! It really came out without thinking. The mirror was too fast, so without realizing it..."

Kang Si-woo tried to pry my hands off, flustered. Every time his solid forearm touched my hand, that damn system alarm messed with my head again.

[Ding! - Bonus for sharing a dangerous secret occurred!]

[Notification: Han Seo-yeon's heart-fluttering index increased! Insurance activation probability has slightly increased.]

No, it's not! This is an increase in heart rate due to fear and anger, you blockhead system!

I was furious, but at the same time, seeing his sad-looking eyes made a corner of my heart tingle.

This body is truly hopeless. Is it hormones controlling my brain?

"Haa... Don't use it again. Got it?"

"Yeah, I'll be careful. I'm really sorry..."

Kang Si-woo lowered his head like a dejected puppy, then took a paper bag out of his pocket and placed it on the desk.

"...What is this?"

"I brought it because I thought you'd skip breakfast. It's the ham and egg sandwich you like. I barely managed to buy it after waiting in line at the cafeteria, so make sure to eat it."

Si-woo scratched the back of his head and left the room. I stared blankly at the sandwich on the desk, listening to his footsteps fading beyond the closed door.

The savory smell of bread tickled the tip of my nose.

"...Why is this bastard only competent in things like this?"

I stared at it as if it were poisoned, but in the end, I couldn't resist and took a big bite.

It's delicious. Damn it, it's so delicious that I'm even angrier.

This kind of kindness piles up and eventually leads to the 11-children ending.

Users might call this pure love, but... my chastity is in danger, fuck!

Am I gay? To get fucked by a man.

"Crazy... You crazy pushover! Get a grip, Han Seo-yeon! You're a guy in his 20s! You even went to the army!"

But the cells of this body were designed to love Kang Si-woo.

A part where I can feel the game company's bad taste.

If things went on like this, it was obvious that a catastrophe would occur where my body would give permission before my will.

I took out my notebook with trembling hands and wrote down a strategy.

[Survival Strategy List]

"11 children... what am I, a rabbit, fuck!"

Those bastards definitely thought about having 1 or 2, then said, 'If we're going to do it, let's have a lot, shall we?' and went completely overboard as 'Employee of the Month'.

I will definitely cancel this insurance.

My goal is only one. Cancellation without accidents.

After the mages caused a massive accident by opening a gate at the North Pole, most of humanity was poisoned by magic and died.

Since that catastrophe, the word 'mage' has become the most hideous taboo word in this world, but humanity survived by adapting to that toxic magic.

A portion of humanity in Pangaea that succeeded in adapting to magic.

Among them, mages who reached the 3rd generation are born with a transcendental ability called Mystery, which materializes their unique inner image.

And Han Seo-yeon's Mystery is...

"Phew... First, I'll build up my strength."

Slide.

A subtle silver magic swirled in the air, and a beautiful key, intricately crafted from pure silver, floated up.

[Mystery: Heaven's Gate]

This is the reason why Han Seo-yeon, despite being just a childhood friend and an insurance heroine, is always included in the users' party deck composition in the game.

With this single key, not only can I heal dying allies from the brink of death like an Edo Tensei, but I can ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠also perform top-tier enhancements that boost physical abilities.

One of the few 0-tier support abilities in the entire game.

But the problem is that support-type companions are so rare in ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠this shitty game.

So, Han Seo-yeon, despite being a starting character, has to stick to Kang Si-woo's side until the final boss battle in the late game.

Every time that Si-woo guy rolls around in front and gets beaten to a pulp, ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠I'm in the back plugging in heals and applying buffs, so how could the affection between the two not go up!

"Thanks, Seo-yeon-ah!" for one heal, "As expected, it's only you!" for one buff!

As we laugh and have fun sharing life and death, suddenly the screen fades to black, and Kang Si-woo, who has become the father of 11 children, is looking at me and smiling benevolently.

Just thinking about it gives me goosebumps. Ugh.

"...So, I'm not doing any support stuff."

"Wouldn't Si-woo die if there's no healer by his side?"

"It doesn't matter. If I smash the enemy's head before he dies, that is healing and protection."

I gripped the key tightly in my hand.

"This key is a tool to open a door, but if I can open a door, wouldn't more than that be possible?"

"For example."

"Like pulling out the existence inside the door."