The Queen's Private Theater
“It's because my queen only does cute things.”
On the way back from our abandoned mine trip.
“Hng… mmm… nyam…”
Tucked in my arms. A tiny bundle was fast asleep.
It was Elma.
“Hyaa… chup…”
The sound of her lips smacking. A bit of drool glistened at the corner of her mouth.
“Darling… you're the best… hehet…”
Was she thinking of me even in her dreams? Her face was so relaxed and dreamy. Just looking at it brought a smile to my own.
She's like an angel when she's asleep.
I carefully wiped the corner of her mouth.
Her soft, chewy cheek. The warmth against my fingertips felt nice.
“Drrrng… kuhk…! Mmm…”
Her pointless old-man snoring and teeth-grinding. Even that was endearing.
Vrrr—
The steering wheel turned on its own. Autonomous driving mode.
Smooth acceleration. Cautious braking. No aggressive passing, and always signaling for lane changes. It was model driving.
Elma had designed it, but how was it the complete opposite of her personality?
At least we're making it home alive…
I let out a sigh of relief.
The hellscape that unfolded every time Elma grabbed the wheel. Sudden swerves, high beams, and a symphony of curses. Just avoiding that made me feel like I'd extended my lifespan.
Of course, there was still the 'minor' issue.
Clunk. Rattle.
The noise from the trunk every time we hit a speed bump.
The 'unused bombs' from this trip. That was them rolling around.
……
I tried to block it out. It'll be fine. They won't explode. Elma said she'd removed the fuses.
I prayed from the bottom of my heart that I wouldn't end up needing tweezers to collect my remains. And closed my eyes.
“Hyaaw… meat… more…”
She was smacking her lips in her sleep. Time to grill some meat for my little queen.
A few hours later. Our underground lair beneath the school.
Click.
I opened the front door.
“Home sweeeet home—!”
Elma's eyes snapped open, and she hopped out of my arms.
“Careful. You'll hurt yourself.”
Did my worries fall on deaf ears? Her short legs pattered busily across the floor.
Plop plop plop.
She charged straight for the living room. Her target?
Thud!
“Uwaaaah—! So comfy—!”
The wolf beast pelt on the living room floor. Our Neukdori.
Elma hugged the wolf head with its sleep mask tight.
“Yeah! Yeah! The mine was fun, but our home is the best!”
She rolled around on the fluffy fur. She'd praised the cave the whole trip, but now she seemed to realize how much of a hassle it was.
“Good work.”
I grabbed the luggage and headed to the dressing room. Stuffed the unused stuff in the corner.
“…”
The bombs…
“Tin Can.”
Yes, my lord husband.
“Dispose of them quietly and safely. No casualties, no property damage. Don't let anyone find out—especially not Elma.”
I entrusted it to the golem.
These guys never do anything they're not told to!
I recalled Elma's words and inputted the command as carefully as possible.
She'd grumble if she found out, but whatever. These were things she'd impulsively made and abandoned anyway.
Just from what I remembered, it was enough to fill a few Olympic swimming pools.
“Phew.”
I finished sorting the luggage. Wiped the sweat from my brow and headed back to the living room.
But.
“Huh?”
The little boss who was rolling around was gone.
Instead.
“……”
My tiny wife, kneeling demurely.
“Darling…”
Naked apron…
I swallowed hard.
The perfect wife. Greeting me like this right when I got home.
Elma clasped her hands neatly. Lowered her gaze and cleared her throat.
“Darling, you must be tired.”
Her demure pose, hands clasped, head bowed. Was she imitating something from a Japanese manga?
“Dinner first? Or a bath?”
Elma lifted her head slightly. Her almond eyes were misty and wet.
That seductive, adorable gaze looking up at me.
“Or maybe…”
She bit her lip coyly.
“Me…?”
“Pfft…!”
I finally burst out laughing.
“Ahaha!”
Delivering such a cliché line so seriously. But damn, it was cute.
“Ugh! Why are you laughing! I was being serious!”
Elma flushed red and huffed. Puckered her lips and grumbled.
Her breasts jiggled, peeking from the side of the apron.
I held back my laughter and approached.
“W-Wait? Darling?”
I slipped my hands under her armpits. Whoosh.
Lifted her right up.
Elma floated up to eye level. Soft. Chewy. Her ample breasts filled my grip.
A whiff of damp forest and nutty aroma. Her scent hit me.
“Why ask something so obvious?”
I brought my lips close to her ear.
“No need for dinner or a bath.”
Elma's shoulders twitched.
“Obviously, I gotta taste my queen first.”
“……!”
Her face heated up like a thermometer.
“Y-You called me queen again…!”
Grumbly tone. But she was clearly thrilled.
“It's because my queen only does cute things.”
I readjusted her squirming form in my arms. One hand under her chewy butt, the other cradling the back of her head.
Smack.
Our lips met. Elma parted hers eagerly, tangling her tongue with mine.
A deep, sticky kiss.
We're home.
It finally sank in.
A few days later, weekend afternoon.
I was leaning back on the living room sofa, relaxing. Scrolling through my smartphone for a movie.
“Man, there's nothing good to watch these days…”
Typical OTT complaint. That's when.
“Ahem…”
A throat-clearing from below. I looked down.
“Watching a movie?”
It was Elma. Chin propped on my thigh, looking up at me.
“Yeah. Thought I'd chill with one. But nothing good lately—”
“On that tiny screen?”
Elma cut me off with a snort. Her almond eyes sparkled.
…Oh no, not that look.
“Th-This is fine, right? Good quality, sound's great.”
I hurriedly dissuaded her.
“Oh, wanna watch together? I can mirror it. P-Popcorn too.”
I offered alternatives before she could cause trouble.
“Tsk tsk. What kind of culture are you gonna enjoy on that little thing!”
Elma clucked her tongue like an old man.
“Leave it to me!”
She clenched her tiny fist and puffed up her chest.
“It's my turn to entertain you, darling!”
“Pardon…?”
“I'll show you what real 'high-class culture' is! What a real movie is! Get excited!”
Grand declaration. She turned away all pumped up, her little butt swaying.
If she had a tail, it'd be wagging like crazy.
But I just swallowed dryly.
We're doomed…
The next day. Unfortunately, my unease was becoming reality.
“…”
Elma, who usually perched on my lap every third class.
“Professor Elma canceled class?”
“Is she sick or something?”
She even skipped her own subject.
I rubbed my dry face.
The quieter she was, the bigger the disaster brewing.
What was happening underground right now? I wanted to rush over and stop her.
But I couldn't.
She'd made me promise this morning.
Darling! Don't come home before all your classes are done! Got it? I'm preparing a surprise—no early birds!!
Those expectant eyes. How could I betray that sparkle?
I'm gonna lose it.
My stomach churned. I forced my gaze back to my phone.
Evening. I hesitated before opening the front door.
“……Huh?”
The sight before me.
A red carpet stretching across the living room.
Great Lord Husband. Welcome.
A butler golem with a bowtie greeted me.
This way, please.
I followed the golem down the red carpet in a daze.
Where my steps stopped. A corner of the hallway.
“…”
A new door had appeared. Padded red door. Like a theater soundproof door.
Did she gut a whole movie theater?
In one day? Gotta respect the hustle.
I swallowed and grabbed the handle.
Creak.
I opened the door.
“Whoa…”
Soundproofed walls. Heavy speakers. Massive screen.
Phew. Better than I thought?
It was fine. Actually looked legit.
“Ahem! How is it!!”
A haughty voice rang out.
In front of the screen. On a reclining sofa.
Elma sat with her short legs crossed. 3D glasses on.
“Speechless, right?”
Full of swagger. Bursting with pride.
“But Elma.”
One weird thing, though.
“Yeah? Why? Tears of感動 coming?”
“Why's there only one seat?”
Just a single armchair, all alone.
Elma pushed up her 3D glasses. Clucked her tongue in disbelief.
“You're smart, but sometimes you say dumb stuff, darling.”
“Huh?”
“Obviously!”
She patted the armrest.
“My seat's on your lap. Why need two?”
“……Ah.”
Such cute logic. I ruffled her hair nonstop.
“You're the best. My queen—no, princess. Good job.”
“Hehet…”
Praise overload. Her stern face melted into a grin.
“See? You can make normal stuff if you try.”
“Wh-What? Name one thing I can't make!”
I chuckled and prepared to pick her up.
But.
“Wait! Can't sit yet!”
“Why?”
“Opening ceremony's not done!”
Elma snapped her fingers.
Snap!
“Opening ceremony…?”
Golems rushed in. One with a ribbon, another with giant scissors on a cushion.
I facepalmed.
Still hasn't given up on queen play.
Just changed the title, but the act's the same.
Elma cleared her throat and took the scissors.
“Ahem! Behold, the private theater for my darling!”
She opened the scissors.
“Grand opening now!”
Snip.
The ribbon fell. Golems fired confetti.
Bang! Pop!
Flower petals scattered. Golems clapped like seals.
I clapped too.
Elma turned and offered her hand. Smug as ever.
“Come, honored first guest. Enter.”
“Y-Yes. Honored.”
What a never-boring home.
Still.
Not bad.
I smirked and sank into the sofa.
Hop.
The heavy bundle climbed onto my lap like it was natural. Plump. Chewy. Her lush butt pressed down.
She wiggled to settle, stretched with a tiny yawn, and leaned back.
Elma's exclusive seat.
“Ready, darling?”
“Yeah.”
Click. Lights out.
Whirr— The projector beamed.
Full of cozy warmth in my arms. Sweet, nutty scent.
My eyes would wander more to the little crown on my chest than the screen.
…Up to this point, it was great.
But in conclusion, Elma was Elma through and through.