Encourage Virtue, Punish Vice
Despite Gigachad's persuasion, there was no sign of change in Zara. Zara remained kind. The world remained harsh to her.
"Ah! The kid's in danger!"
Zara threw herself to save a child about to be hit by a carriage. The child she shoved tumbled to the side of the road where people were walking. Zara herself was struck by the horse and flung to the street with a splat, left abandoned there. Clack-clack, the carriage didn't even stop despite the accident—it just kept going.
It was Gigachad's voice that snapped Zara out of her daze as she lay stunned on the road.
— "You Fucking Idiot! Zara-dolt, don't just lie there splattered on the ground—get up. Chase down that Fucking Asshole driver's carriage and demand an apology. Your legs can catch a carriage, can't they?"
"Ehehe. It was just an accident, right? I don't think that guy meant any harm. He was probably just super busy and had no choice but to keep going."
— "It's an accident that hurt you. Zara-dolt, you have every right to be angry about your own wounds."
Gigachad sounded pissed. It was a little ambiguous whether he was mad at the driver or at Zara. Maybe both.
She shook her head with effort, and then the hallucination reached her ears.
— Kill him.
— Rip the horse apart and stuff it down that idiot driver's throat.
— Who does he think he is, daring to hurt you.
— You're a coward.
— Idiot.
— Should've just gotten trampled to death by the horse.
This hallucination was her malignancy, with her since the day she was born. It was the voice from deep inside her. Her true... feelings.
But if you acted solely on your heart's whims, you'd be no different from a beast. Zara was human to a fault. She knew how to suppress her true nature and act kindly.
"Ehehe..."
She ignored the voice from within. As always. It was familiar to her by now.
"Today's a lucky day..."
◇◇◇◆◇◇◇
"You filthy beggar, daring to steal my stuff?!"
Zara endured trial after trial. She was mistaken for a thief by a shopkeeper and beaten. Someone dumped filth on her head. She worked hard but didn't get a single coin.
Each time, Zara's "hallucinations" raised their voices.
— "Zara-dolt, tell him it's not your fault—loud and proud. No need to get swept up in that Fucking Idiot shopkeeper's dumb misunderstanding. Demand a proper apology. Don't stay silent like a coward to unjust violence. You have to defend your own honor."
— Just kill him. Kill him and take the stuff.
— Actually steal it.
— Coward.
Zara didn't change. After so many years haunted by these voices, some mere hallucination wasn't enough to alter her.
— "Fucking Asshole! Teach that Pussy who dumps rotten filth out the window about public hygiene. Pound on the window, tell him how bad it reeks. Smells like he ate a rotten rat for lunch."
— Kill him.
— Dump shit on that idiot.
— Stinks.
Zara still didn't change.
— "Zara-dolt, demand your rightful pay. You cleaned that sewer perfectly. Cleaning that whole massive sewer is something only you could do. Tell him to hand over every coin he promised right now. Don't cheapen your labor."
Zara didn't change. But...
— Kill him and take the pay!
— Dirty the sewer again.
The hallucinations Zara heard were shifting, little by little.
— Your labor isn't cheap.
"..."
Those hallucinations were the voice from Zara's depths. The malignancy that resented the world. The thoughts that kept her tossing and turning every night.
That malignancy never changed. As long as Zara resented the world, as long as the world tormented her, it wouldn't.
— "Don't stay a coward. Fight back. Don't stay silent in the face of the world that torments you."
— Fight back.
— Coward.
— Kill everyone who torments you.
That's why Zara never treated others cruelly. She never got angry. She never resisted with violence. She forgave those who hurt her.
That was how she resisted her own malignancy. Because the moment she obeyed that voice even once, she'd never be able to stop. The path of evil was a steep downhill slope. Once you tumbled, you'd just keep falling forever.
"...I don't want to be a burden to others."
But what if that "malignancy" could change? What if it hadn't been purely "evil" from the start? What if it was truly what she needed?
"...I wish I hadn't been born at all."
If this was a life where she had no choice but to burden others, why keep living it? The kind girl couldn't comprehend it.
◇◇◇◆◇◇◇
Probably for the first time since birth, she confessed her "honest" feelings. Her true heart, so shocking even to herself.
That true heart was a bit more childish than some lofty ideal of making "yesterday's me" ashamed.
"Good people get rewarded, and bad people get punished. That's just how it should be, right...?"
Zara's childhood had been affluent. She grew up without want under a cultured mother and affectionate father. Every night before bed, her father read her fairy tales.
The tales were clichéd. The kind protagonist got blessings, the wicked villain got punishment. Encourage virtue, punish vice.
It was inevitable that young Zara fell for that simple, clear logic.
"But in reality, it's not like that. No matter how kindly I act, I just end up miserable. The happiest time in my life was my childhood, when I didn't have to try at all."
In truth, Zara didn't feel shame toward her child self. She envied that child self. Childishly so.
"So, honestly, it was a relief. Ah, my misfortune isn't my fault... I was just a bit unlucky..."
She envied that time when she could enjoy happiness without reason. That innocence where any mistake was forgiven.
"My misfortune isn't because I did something wrong, and my happiness wasn't earned either... I was just born happy, and then misfortune was thrust upon me..."
That's why she had no choice but to strive even harder to stay blameless. Because that was the only way she could "win" against her child self—by being purer now than she had been then.
"But if I get angry at others or hurt them, then my misfortune suddenly has a reason."
Because good people get blessings, bad people get punishment. That's how it should be. The world that doesn't follow that is wrong...
"If I become a bad person and get my comeuppance, then that misfortune becomes entirely my fault. People tormenting me, treating me cruelly—it all becomes my own doing."
Zara knew she was unfortunate. She knew tomorrow would be more miserable than today, and the day after even more so. There was no reason for her misfortune. The happiness she was born with, the misery that suddenly struck—none of it depended on her will. It was all imposed.
"I... don't want to become a bad person. If my misfortune isn't just coincidence but entirely from my own wrong actions, then I couldn't even justify it to myself..."
That's why Zara always held her head high before herself. If she knew she had no sin, what reason was there not to?
"Yesterday's me was more shameful than today's me. Today's me is better than yesterday's..."
This misfortune wasn't originally hers. She was just holding onto it by chance. Her current misery was merely the world's mistake.
Yeah. She was proud!
"I want my misfortune not to be because of me..."
But even that pride wasn't allowed to Zara.
— "Zara-dolt."
"..."
— "Your happiness, your misfortune—they're all things you have to decide for yourself. At the very least, you have to try to decide them. This goddamn world has no right or qualification to decide your happiness."
"..."
— "Forget those childish fairy tales. What you need isn't the lesson that 'good people get rewards, bad people get punishment.' What you need is to fight your fate right here, right now. To flip off this world trying to dump some Fucking Asshole—utter bullshit punishment on you."
"...Is that the right thing to do?"
— "Don't know if it's right. But—it's alpha as fuck."
"..."
"That's what it means to live proud before yourself."
◇◇◇◆◇◇◇
The next day, Zara finished cleaning the chimney, her body covered in black soot and grime. She knocked on the house door. A sour-faced man came out.
"Um, the chimney cleaning's done!"
"Yeah? What took so damn long?"
The man tossed her a single coin and turned to go back inside.
And then.
Zara grabbed his arm, stopping him, and said something she never would have before.
"Um, chimney cleaning costs twenty coins!"
"What?"
"Ehehe."
"You think you did something amazing to demand twenty coins? Greedy beggar who doesn't know satisfaction."
"But that's the agreement...! Promises have to be kept!"
"Get lost! I don't owe you a single coin!"
Of course, nothing changed. If anything, she just got more abuse hurled at her.
The more Zara hoped for something, the more that was the one thing her fate denied her.
— "Good job. Way more Fucking Lion than yesterday."
"Heh heh."
But even though nothing had changed, something clearly had.
It was Zara herself.
Zara had decided to resist her own fate.