Brother
Today was my day off from my part-time job, for once.
I woke up because of a text message.
'I want to sleep more...'
I grabbed my smartphone, determined to find out who had dared to disturb my sweet slumber. I wanted to know their name, even though I was certain it was just some promotional spam.
'Huh...?'
The person who sent the text was my brother.
Did I see that right?
I blinked a couple of times while clutching my phone, but it looked the same when I checked again.
It was my brother.
Maybe it was because I had just woken up, but I made a typo. I was too lazy to fix it, though. He’d be able to figure it out well enough.
Besides, what was this about opening the door all of a sudden?
The reply came back immediately. Seeing the '1' disappear the moment I sent my message, he seemed to be staring at his screen waiting.
I didn't even know he had returned from overseas.
As soon as the text arrived, I heard a knock at the front door.
He was literally standing right in front of my door.
Maybe I hadn't woken up because of the text notification, but because of that knocking.
Oh, no, I have stuff to clean up in the house.
I scrambled to tidy up. I moved things out of sight and cleared away the trash as best as I could. Even while rushing to organize, a smile was playing on my lips.
"Hehe..."
It’s my brother. The brother I haven't seen in four years.
When I took a little too long, the knocking grew faster and harder, as if he were urging me on.
I wasn't done cleaning yet.
Well, it didn't look that dirty if you didn't look too closely, and I’d cleared away everything that needed to be hidden. It was a pass, just barely.
I brushed off my hands and approached the front door.
"Stop knocking...!"
The knocking ceased the moment I spoke.
I opened the door, and there he was. He looked like he lived in a completely different world from me.
I could see some tattoos on his arms—small, illegible English sentences in cursive script. I didn't remember him having that many tattoos before, but I suppose that's just how it goes when you live abroad for a long time.
Other than that, he looked exactly as I remembered him in my head. It was hard to believe four years had passed.
Now that I looked closer, he was holding a small carry-on suitcase in one hand. It was tiny, just big enough for a few simple changes of clothes.
He stared at me with a stunned expression, his eyes scanning me from top to bottom, then back up again.
I was used to this reaction by now. It wasn't the first time.
"...Eunhae, right?"
"Yeah..."
"I thought I had the wrong address. Why'd it take you so long to open up?"
"You shouldn't just show up without saying anything..."
Come to think of it, I wasn't really in a position to say that. The more I spoke, the quieter my voice became, as I remembered that I had recently shown up at someone else's house without notice.
"..."
Strangely, he just stood there, not making a move to come inside. It had been four years. Four whole years since I'd seen his face in person.
After Mom and Dad divorced, my brother had filled the void. Since there was a significant age gap, I had truly felt that way.
Perhaps that was why my body moved on its own.
Just like always, without a second thought, I gave him a light hug.
He smelled a bit unfamiliar. Was this the smell of a foreign country? It had been so long I couldn't tell.
I spoke while tucked into his arms.
"Long time no see."
He stood perfectly still, his hands hovering in the air, as if someone who shouldn't be hugging him had just embraced him. It was the same reaction Mom had when she first saw me.
He spoke in a low voice.
"...You really are Eunhae, right?"
"You're saying that again."
I pulled back from the hug.
"I told you it's me...! I'm tired of repeating myself, so just come in."
As I turned and walked into the apartment, I heard the sound of his suitcase being dragged behind me.
If we hadn't met in four years, we should have been so awkward we couldn't even make eye contact, so why did I feel so comfortable just because we were blood-related?
...Is this what family is?
"You just woke up, didn't you?"
"Yeah."
"I can tell. You were slow to check your text, too."
Having him in the house didn't feel uncomfortable. But why was he avoiding my eyes so much?
Was it because I had become a girl?
That was understandable. Jiyu had said the same thing—that there was absolutely nothing left of my original self.
I couldn't blame him if he felt like I was a complete stranger. I thought that was something I had to accept. Even if I considered that, he seemed a bit too awkward.
I had never seen him react like that in my life. He wouldn't meet my gaze.
"Brother, what's wrong? You've been like that since earlier."
"...Do you always walk around like that?"
"Like what?"
"Everything's visible, so go put some more clothes on."
He turned his head and pointed at my chest. I hadn't been wearing much because it was uncomfortable to sleep alone in the house.
I had cleaned the house, but I hadn't even thought about this.
"I only dress comfortably like this when I'm alone at home, I dress properly when I go out...! Don't worry..."
"I get it, so go put something on."
He didn't even look at me, just gestured with his hand.
Even after I got dressed, he sat on the floor, looking uncomfortable. There was a perfectly good bed right there, but instead of sitting on it, he was leaning his back against it.
Usually, lying on the bed in clothes you'd worn outside was strictly forbidden, but for my brother, I could allow him to sit on the edge.
We were family, after all.
"You can sit on the bed, you know..."
I climbed onto the bed and plopped down.
"I'm fine."
The room wasn't that small, and it wasn't like there was nowhere else to sit—there was a chair in front of the computer, even if it wasn't the bed. He dropped his head as if his head were throbbing.
"Eunhae. Let's get our thoughts in order. I didn't know you'd ended up like this."
"How did you think I'd be?"
"They said it was a disease, so I was worried. Seeing you look better than I expected is actually more bewildering right now."
"Better than writhing in pain, right?"
"That's true."
He started to say something else but stopped. I pressed down on his shoulders, putting strength into both hands.
"Honestly, it feels like I suddenly got a younger sister."
"What younger sister?"
"You used to tease me about my name when we were kids. Remember?"
"...I remember."
He used to tease me, saying 'Eunhae' sounded like a girl's name. If I tried to fight back and tell him to stop, he'd put his hand on the top of my head and tease me using the difference in our arm lengths.
"I never thought I'd see the day, but I really have a younger sister now."
He laughed weakly. It was a sound that was hard to distinguish between a laugh and a sigh.
"..."
"Was that too thoughtless of me?"
When I didn't react, he checked my expression.
"Sorry. I don't really know what to say to you. You must be the one having the hardest time."
Is that so?
...Am I having a hard time right now?
Of course, the world felt like it had collapsed when I first became a girl, but I didn't think it was particularly hard now.
"You can just treat me like you always have..."
"That 'always' is the hardest part right now."
The room fell quiet again. It was my brother who broke the silence first.
"...By the way."
"Yeah?"
"Why have you been kneading my shoulders since earlier?"
I had been sitting on the bed, kneading the shoulders of my brother who was leaning against it.
"...My hands were bored?"
I used to knead Mom's shoulders whenever she had nothing to do, but it had been so long since I'd seen my brother that I couldn't remember if I did it for him, too. Still, seeing my body naturally kneading his shoulders, I wondered if I hadn't done it for him often.
My hands were bored, too.
I didn't really know why I kneaded his shoulders. Whenever my hands were bored or I had nothing to do, I would often go to Mom's side, knead her shoulders a few times, and then go to my room. It was a sort of habit—kneading someone's shoulders.
Of course, I didn't do it to strangers. I only did it for family.
While kneading, I would usually say a short word like, "You're really tense today," or "You're soft today," before heading back to my room.
"Come to think of it, I think I saw you do that for Mom."
"Didn't I do it for you often, too...?"
"I'm not sure about that."
He lifted his head slightly.
"...I didn't know hearing you call me 'brother' would be this awkward."
"Huh? No, what does that mean..."
Actually, I knew what he meant. But it was gross.
"Are you hoping I'll call you 'Oppa' (older brother)...?"
"That would sound more comfortable to me."
Of course, I didn't like girls calling guys 'brother' (hyung) either, but the situation where I would call him 'Oppa' was absurd.
He turned his body and looked up at me from below. That made it impossible to keep kneading his shoulders. He said it calmly, without a single change in expression.
"Try calling me Oppa."
"What?"
I was so dumbfounded that I roughly pushed his head with one hand. He stood up at that. He was much taller than me sitting on the bed, so this time, I had to look up at him.
He had a strange expression on his face.
"Just kidding. It would have been truly gross if you'd actually called me Oppa."
He put his hand on my head and lightly ruffled my hair. I could feel his large, firm hand even through my hair. I'd been ruffled like that a few times before with a "there, there," but today it felt unusually warm.
I knew for sure he was my brother, but his hand felt very much like a father's.
I didn't pull away.
My eyes closed naturally as I felt his touch. When he took his hand off my head, my eyes opened along with it.
"If you have worries, keep in touch with your family. If something happens, contact me, too. You said you hadn't talked to Mom for a month, right? She told me she was upset with you."
"You don't even check your messages even if I do contact you..."
He scratched the back of his head, looking sheepish.
"That was because I was busy. Since I'm overseas and can't contact her often, you should be the one to stay in touch with Mom."
"Got it..."
"Don't make me have to contact you every time. Try reaching out first."
"Yeah..."
Suddenly, a ringtone sounded from his smartphone.
At first, I thought it was a call from Mom. But what came out of his mouth was rapid English. It was so fast that I didn't even realize it was English at first.
He stopped talking abruptly and tapped his smartphone screen. Then, without a word, he held the screen out to me.
On the screen was a blonde woman with blue eyes.
"W-what do you want me to do...?"