Why Am I Like This
"Noona."
Students buying Americanos for their morning classes, customers coming in for a post-lunch coffee. In the evenings, people who seemed to be voluntary slaves to caffeine would come by to buy drinks packed with the stuff.
We even started getting delivery orders. Since those were mostly bulk orders, the part-timer senior with quick hands usually handled them. My head was a mess, even though I knew another hectic shift was waiting for me today.
"Noona, are you okay?"
I’m meeting Jiyu tomorrow.
If it were just about being blackmailed, I might be fine. Actually, I wasn't even sure it *was* blackmail, but my brain could only think in that direction. If it wasn't blackmail, I had no clue what she would bring up. There was certainly nothing in it that would benefit me. If anything, it would only be a detriment.
And the incident during my last regular check-up was also contributing to my mental instability.
What was with those test results? *I* lied on the survey? What kind of nonsense is that...
The last thing the doctor said echoed in my mind.
"You can continue to answer the surveys as you have been. That’s data, too."
That means... I...
Just then, a hand waved in front of my eyes. Only after seeing that palm did I snap out of it and return to reality.
"Eunhae-noona."
The owner of the hand was Do-ha.
"Oh. Uh...! Why?"
"Is something wrong? You’ve been spacing out like that for a while now."
"Ah, no. No. I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong..."
Do-ha stared at me in silence. He didn't seem to believe me, but he didn't press further.
"It’s going to be busy today, too, so you need to keep your head on straight."
"Yeah. You're right..."
But unlike my intentions, I kept making small mistakes. With Jiyu’s appointment and the doctor’s words constantly swirling in my head, my body wouldn't move the way I wanted it to.
"Here is your warm iced Americano..."
I realized something was wrong as soon as the words left my mouth. The customer tilted their head, but after checking the contents, they just took it and turned away. I wish those were the only mistakes, but they didn't end there.
I had to make a latte, but I just took the milk out and forgot to pour it. As soon as the customer took their first sip, they came to the counter to complain. I had nothing to say.
"I, I’m so sorry..."
I didn't close the take-out lid properly, so the contents spilled the moment I handed it over. Why am I like this today? Was my mental state always this fragile? I didn't think I’d break down this badly.
"I'm sorry..."
How many times had I bowed my head today? I couldn't even count.
The peak time was over. The number of customers had gradually dwindled. I was wiping the cafe tables and the floor. It took me a long time to realize I had been wiping the same spot over and over again.
Do-ha, who was doing the dishes, glanced over at me.
"Noona, hold on a second."
Do-ha handed me a mug used in the shop. I couldn't see what was inside, but white steam was rising from it.
"It’s hot, so be careful."
"What is this...?"
"It’s hot chocolate. I made it."
"When did you make it...?"
"Just now. When it was quiet because there were no customers. You looked a bit tired today—is something going on?"
"Ah, no... nothing."
After hearing that, Do-ha just handed me the cup and turned away. I wrapped both hands around the mug. It was warm.
Do-ha said, with his back to me, "You can take a break if you're struggling."
"Yeah, thanks..."
Do-ha is such a kind person. I shouldn't be thinking things like this, but I couldn't feel purely happy. I carefully brought the cup to my lips to take a sip.
"...Ah, hot!"
The tip of my tongue stung. Startled, I pulled my tongue back and tilted the cup, blowing on it. I tried to cool my tongue with my lips for no reason. I almost got burned. Why is it so hot? He said he just made it.
Tears almost welled up. It was definitely just because it was hot.
"Are you okay?"
Do-ha, who had been facing away, was suddenly looking at me.
"Yeah, i, it was hotter than I thought..."
I blew on the hot chocolate diligently and took a sip. It was sweet.
I hadn't slept well since the night before. When I stood in front of the bathroom mirror to wash my face in the morning, I looked like a cat left in a cardboard box on a rainy day. I wished I could just meet Jiyu and have this worry cleared up once and for all.
I stood in front of my closet. Without a second thought, I pulled out the sweatpants I always used to wear.
I didn't leave anything else behind, right? I looked around the room without much meaning. There was nothing to leave behind. In the first place, my body and my smartphone were enough to carry with me.
The unmade bed, the chair in front of the computer slightly turned, the crooked keyboard, the mouse left haphazardly.
What would happen if Jiyu exposed my secret? The faces of the people I worked with at the cafe came to mind. Areum and Do-ha. And the cafe owner. Even though I hadn't known them long, they were the small branches of my newly formed human relationships.
Before this, the only person I could call a friend was Siu. But after this happened, I started working and met new acquaintances. Even if I exposed it, since there were only two or three of them, maybe nothing would happen.
Then, the news comments flashed through my mind. There were only good people like Siu and Sia around me, so why did I keep thinking about the bad things? They were just sentences I’d read once or twice, but I remembered them without missing a single syllable.
Of course, they might just think of it as a disease, but would Areum or Do-ha really do that? I remembered Do-ha’s hand as he handed me the hot chocolate. Do-ha is kind. He’s kind, unlike how he looks. He’s only being kind because he doesn't know what kind of person I am.
If, by any chance, Jiyu blackmailed me and he found out who I was, there’s no way he would do something like this for someone like me. Would he really treat me like that if he knew what I was originally? Probably not. Definitely not.
Areum also talks to me in a friendly way. Although the frequency has decreased recently because our topics of conversation don't match well. I haven't changed, but the way people around me treat me has changed. ...The only thing that changed was my body.
Would the owner have hired me if I hadn't become like this? No, I probably wouldn't have even started this kind of part-time job in the first place.
As I headed to the entrance, I found my shoes kicked off haphazardly on the floor. The soles were facing the sky. The number [230] looked exceptionally large. I crouched down, straightened them out, and slipped my feet in.
I just want to meet her, hear what she has to say, and have it be over. No matter what happens.
I headed to the cafe where I had promised to meet Jiyu. It was a cafe a bit of a distance away. Not far enough to need public transport, but a distance worth walking.
Perhaps my pace was subconsciously slow, but by the time the cafe came into view, it was just before the promised time. I felt like I could arrive exactly on time if I walked just a little faster.
I hate this.
As I clenched my fist, I could feel cold sweat on my palms. I recalled the last image I had of Jiyu. I always look at people's mouths or chests when I talk. Because of that, I don't really remember faces well. Still, Jiyu was a little different. She was one of the few people I could relatively distinguish.
There was one special reason I could recognize her without making eye contact. Her bleached hair was always in my field of vision. I think it had a slightly yellowish tint.
If she had changed her hairstyle, I might not be able to recognize her. I didn't go straight into the cafe, but approached the entrance slowly and peeked inside through the transparent glass window. Naturally, pretending to look at the sky or somewhere else, I looked inside bit by bit.
Even looking from the outside, there were more people than I thought because it was the weekend. The tables were full of people who looked to be of a certain age. I couldn't see deep inside well. Perhaps that was why I couldn't see Jiyu from the outside.
I opened the cafe door. Once inside, I naturally scanned the interior that hadn't been visible from the outside. And I found her.
Her hair color was a bit duller than I remembered, but that was definitely bleached hair. Jiyu was fiddling with her smartphone alone at a corner table. There was no drink on the table, and there was only one reason for a woman with bleached hair to be in this cafe at this time. It was probably Jiyu.
I naturally walked around the cafe once. ...I didn't have the courage to approach Jiyu.
After walking around once, I was back in front of the door I had entered. I walked back to where Jiyu was sitting. She was still fiddling with her smartphone.
But what if that’s not Jiyu? If it were Jiyu, she would have acknowledged me if she recognized me, so why isn't she? If it were Jiyu, shouldn't she have recognized me as soon as I arrived? It would be a disaster if I sat down in front of a stranger.
I walked around the cafe one more time. *...Don't I look really strange right now?* If I were someone spinning around the cafe without ordering or sitting down, I would stand out even more.
Before ordering, I stood in an empty space slightly away from the counter, like a customer choosing a menu. Standing there for a moment, my head cooled down a little. And I realized how stupid I had been.
My body has changed, so how could Jiyu recognize me? I had no choice but to approach Jiyu first.
Just then, my smartphone rang.
Looking at the time, it was already 5 minutes past the promised time.
That person in the corner must be Jiyu...
Thank goodness. It seems it really was Jiyu. I put my hand on my chest and took a deep breath. *It’s okay. Nothing will happen...*
I moved toward where Jiyu was sitting. I approached the table and carefully pulled out the chair opposite Jiyu. Jiyu, who hadn't taken her eyes off her smartphone, finally looked up.
"Who are you?"
Jiyu’s eyes widened.
"No way..."
I hadn't done anything wrong, but I just nodded silently, fidgeting with both hands.
"Is it really Eunhae-oppa?"
Just as I was stiffening, not knowing what words would come out:
"What the."
Jiyu covered her mouth and giggled.
"Why have you become so cute?"