Chapter 17

He didn't think so. Was Han Si-hoo even a condition for Yoo Seo-ah's happiness? Even without him, she would be happy as long as she had her drugs. That must have been why she attacked him. With a heavy heart, he turned the page. He could see a peculiar doodle stretching across three pages. Sentences about the weather also continued for quite a while. He kept turning the pages. He hoped there would be some information he could glean. If Yoo Seo-ah had been using this notebook until recently, he might be able to find something out. When did Yoo Seo-ah start using drugs? Why had the house ended up in this state? Han Si-hoo wanted to know. With each turn of the page, Yoo Seo-ah's handwriting became neater. It also looked like there were long periods when she hadn't written at all. A sign that she had lost and then found it. Then again, if she had been writing in it continuously since she was very young, the notebook would have run out of space. He turned more pages. That lament was written there. Yoo Seo-ah had always just watched Han Si-hoo train by himself. It wasn't easy for her to try and follow along. That was true. "......" Han Si-hoo had failed to protect Yoo Seo-ah. So it wasn't okay at all. His hands began to tremble slightly. He continued turning the pages of the notebook. He found a mention of medicine. He remembered a time when Yoo Seo-ah had bought him a 1,500-won snack, calling it a gift. The image of her saying she had wanted to get him something better came to mind. Was this entry from around that time? He wasn't sure. He also found a mention of the doctor. A new doctor. There were no specific details, but it seemed certain she had gotten the medicine from the doctor. His mind went a little blank. A syringe? When was this written? He hadn't noticed. Even though this had happened before he had even enrolled in the Academy. Something was strange. The doctor had been involved even before he went to the Academy. He couldn't fathom the reason. The two sentences were written with a slight gap between them. Once it became known that Han Si-hoo was an Awakener, the Academy and the government had him enroll. Refusal was not an option. There were benefits for Han Si-hoo as well. Meeting various people. And above all, a considerable amount of money. Money he could give to Yoo Seo-ah. And all of it went to Yoo Seo-ah's medicine. A list of various wishes was laid out. That was written in small letters. He turned the page. The loneliness Yoo Seo-ah felt bled through the words. An entry about how much she missed Han Si-hoo took up an entire page. The process of her increasing the dosage was also written down. Yoo Seo-ah didn't like staying cooped up inside. The Yoo Seo-ah in Han Si-hoo's memory had always been active and loved to play outside. But Han Si-hoo was gone. There was no one to play with. She had no friends. In the margins of the page, Yoo Seo-ah's hopes were written. Stargazing. -Si-hoo, want to go see the stars together tonight? The past, at home. He remembered Yoo Seo-ah asking him that. It had been about a week after he entered the Academy. When Han Si-hoo had briefly visited, Yoo Seo-ah had hesitated before asking him to stay with her. -You can't? -Ah, you have plans tonight. With a friend... -I was just saying. Don't worry about it. He had turned Yoo Seo-ah down. Because he really did have plans. He had never thought that the always-smiling Yoo Seo-ah could be lonely. Though he did think she ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠seemed disappointed and had planned to hang out with her sometime. "Ah." Recalling the past made him feel like he could die. That was the last time Yoo Seo-ah had asked Han Si-hoo to stay with her. After that, she started to keep her distance. He turned more pages. Of course, he had never given her money for medicine. Yoo Seo-ah had been spending all of his money on drugs. With a slightly trembling hand, Han Si-hoo turned the page. Yoo Seo-ah had worried about him. She had been reluctant to be a burden. She had also felt her body ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠becoming addicted to the drugs. So she decided to push Han Si-hoo away. The handwriting looked like it was written with a trembling hand. The thickness of the script alternated between heavy and light. Some parts were even torn, as if the pen had been pressed too hard. When she didn't need the drugs anymore. Yoo Seo-ah had planned to go see him again only when he no longer needed to help her. And in the end, Yoo Seo-ah did come to find Han Si-hoo. To borrow money for drugs. She seemed not to care about looking pathetic. In the end, she had failed to quit. She was apologizing to someone. The other sentences on the page had been crossed out dozens of times with a ballpoint pen, making them illegible. The page was badly torn. She repeated the same sentence several times. Only sentences of apology were visible. The sentence was crossed out multiple times. She knew better than anyone that Han Si-hoo wasn't coming to help her. But she had no one else to ask for help. Yoo Seo-ah had no friends. The pen marks wavered all over the page. From here, the lines in the notebook were meaningless. The sentences were scrawled haphazardly, ignoring the lines. "...

Huh?" Yoo Seo-ah had thrown away the drugs. Thrown them away? She was saying she wouldn't use them. Traces remained of Yoo Seo-ah, who had resolved to never take the drugs again. It seemed she had wanted to see Han Si-hoo no matter what. And then, blank space. Blank space. Pages of blank space followed. As he neared the back of the notebook, words appeared. That was the last sentence Han Si-hoo could understand. The rest was filled with doodles. Or perhaps it was writing, but Han Si-hoo couldn't decipher it. He stared blankly ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠at Yoo Seo-ah's diary. -Thump. He closed the notebook he had been holding open for so long. His hands were trembling uncontrollably. "Ugh." He now knew for certain that Yoo Seo-ah had pushed him away out of concern for him. And that her loneliness had made her suffer, causing her to rely even more on the drugs. He also found out that at some point, she had started getting the drugs from the doctor. He must have seen the sentence 'It doesn't hurt when I take the medicine' dozens of times. He should have known sooner. Was he not interested in Seo-ah? That couldn't be. It was too late. His vision kept trying to blur. He felt like he was going to throw up. "Why." Why did it turn out like this? Why? Who created this situation? He felt nauseous. She was his pure and bright childhood friend. The Yoo Seo-ah in the diary had been constantly asking Han Si-hoo for help. Of course, the request was never heard. And, as expected, no help came. He didn't want to think anymore. But he had to. "Why..." Why did this happen? A question he asked over and over. He clutched his head. Han Si-hoo tried desperately to find a reason. Why, out of all the people in the world, did this have to happen to Seo-ah? Why did the doctor give her the drugs? He didn't know. Only the fact that he had failed to protect Yoo Seo-ah remained. Isn't there something more? There had to be something else in the house that could provide information. -Clatter. The desk drawer was pulled open with a rough sound. Inside was a broken tri-color ballpoint pen. That was all he could find in the drawer. He staggered to his feet. He took the notebook. He still didn't know what the pile of scrap metal in the room was. He didn't know why the mirror was broken. He didn't know exactly when she had started injecting the drugs. "...

I have to go back." He had to go back to the dorm and ask Seo-ah. Did he think making her a leisurely breakfast would solve everything? Did he think they could just talk as if nothing had happened? Did a few apologies make everything that happened disappear? Did he think a little effort would bring back their peaceful daily life? Was it over just by getting her some rest and treatment? What must Seo-ah be thinking? Han Si-hoo asked himself. He just wanted to run away. He was instinctively rejecting a truth he didn't want to face. This escapism had to end. "I have to go back." He had to find out what happened. He couldn't guess. No, there were too many possibilities. Things that might have happened to Seo-ah. The scope of bad things just kept expanding. He considered the worst-case scenario. There were too many worst cases for it to be meaningful.