Evan, Who Will Break for You

I, Earl Grey Twining, wanted to deny it. I wanted to scream that Mother's words were wrong, that it wasn't like that. But the words wouldn't come out. My mother, Assam Twining, didn't miss that silence.

"You're quite selfish too, Earl Grey."

Her low voice pierced my chest like a dagger.

"You're dragging that young man to his death just for your own happiness. You know well, don't you? You, who know very well what Logos is."

"...That's not it."

The words that barely came out were so small.

"Not it? Then let that child go right now. Break the Apostle contract and never keep him by your side again."

Let go. Let Evan go. As I brought that word to mind, a corner of my heart ached.

I wanted to refute it. That it wasn't like that, that I just hoped he wouldn't get hurt. But the more I tried to put those words into my mouth, the more Mother's words felt correct.

He was the first person to choose me. He was the first person to get angry on my behalf. A person who tried to protect someone as lacking as me. How could I let such a person go? I don't want to lose him. But. That very heart, not wanting to let him go, what was it if not the selfishness Mother spoke of?

Mother knew me too well. She was someone who had spent her whole life studying human psychology, knowing exactly where to stab so the words would sink in the deepest. My heart hurts so much.

Assam's gaze shifted to Evan. To him, standing there with a blank face, unable to escape the weight of the word "die."

"Young man. Let me tell you one thing. What happened to this child's previous Apostle candidate."

At those words, I stopped breathing. Anything but that. I didn't want this person to come to hate me. I didn't want such a sad ending.

"He was someone who cherished this child since she was young. He even promised to become her Apostle someday."

Memories surfaced. The hand that used to stroke my young head. The promise that he would become my Apostle someday. The nights I fell asleep believing in that promise.

"But do you know what happened to him after he got close to this child? All sorts of misfortunes befell him. The incidents piled up, and when he was even targeted by Logos, he eventually left ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠as if running away."

"...That is."

My mouth, trying to make an excuse, was immediately blocked.

"It wasn't just because of Logos. Most of the misfortunes that befell him happened even before he was designated."

It was true. He became unhappy just because he was close to me. I knew it in my head. It was a coincidence. Misfortune follows human life. I had nothing to do with his misfortune.

But.

My heart, which had spent a lifetime believing it was "my fault for being lacking," couldn't accept that coincidence as a coincidence. Once doubt seeped in, the past partings came to mind one after another in different forms. The guards who died fighting for me. The people who turned their backs on me.

Slowly, Mother's words felt more like the truth.

"Destroying everyone who approaches while pretending to be kind. That is this child's nature. She doesn't know it herself. She doesn't even know she's doing it. That's why it's even scarier."

Nature.

That word was the final blow.

Maybe that was the answer. Why everyone by my side left. Why those who fought for me died. Why, no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I put others first, I ended up losing everyone.

If it was all because I, as a person, was poorly made. Everything was explained so perfectly.

All the good deeds I had done until now felt like a disguise to hide that nature. All the kindness I had shown felt like a trap to lure people in and destroy them.

"Keep this in mind, young man from the East. If you get entangled with this child, you will become unhappy. It's the same even if it's not Logos. Someday, caught up in schemes or political maneuvering—one way or another, you will die by this child's side."

From that moment on. Something collapsed inside me without a sound.

The one pillar that had supported me until now. The belief that if I was kind to others, I could still be a useful person—that was snapped in half. I am a useless, selfish woman. Is there a reason for me to live, when I kill those around me just by existing?

ㆍㆍㆍ

I ran away.

"Saint-nim!"

Evan reached out his hand. But I had no right to hold that hand. My shoes came off while I was running.

My bare feet stepped on the cold stone floor. I heard Evan calling me. My heart felt like it was tearing, but I didn't stop.

If I keep him by my side, he dies. Just like everyone who has brushed past me until now. If it is my nature, as Mother said.

I ran, turning corners and turning again. I didn't even know where I was going. Just in a direction away from him. Believing that the further I went, the more he would live.

I was out of breath. My unrecovered body screamed. The place where my legs gave out and I collapsed was a dead-end alley under a collapsed wall. There was nowhere else to go.

I sat down and buried my face in my knees.

I wanted to hold Evan's hand. Because he was the first person to choose me. To think that the small wish of wanting to get an Apostle and be happy was this scary. My wish is dragging that person to his death.

I found myself unbearably disgusting.

Assam left with a smile, and I stood there for a while.

'Die,' huh.

That word kept rolling around in my head. Hearing it directly, what followed the shock was a strange acceptance. An 'Ah, I see' kind of feeling.

Maybe it was natural. A human with no aptitude riding an unknown Advent. It couldn't be fine. I just didn't want to think about it. Because I didn't want to see it. I relied on the complacent belief that the human outside the screen is invincible, that they can overcome anything somehow.

Assuming on my own that I would be special.

My thoughts slowly organized themselves. Assam said I was already on borrowed time. Yes. That won't change now. Once I accepted that fact, my head actually became calmer.

So I thought about what came next.

Why did I play this game?

I, who hated mecha games to death. I cut down on sleep, cut off contact with friends, memorized stats I would never see in my life, and even reached world #1.

Because I liked this game? Not even once.

It was because I wanted to make the Earl Grey on the screen smile. I wanted to see the one and only happy ending for you, who died endlessly in misfortune. I replayed it tens of thousands of times to find that one line.

And until just a moment ago, that woman was right in front of my eyes. The person I wanted to save even if I had to pour my twenties into it, was standing in front of me until just a moment ago. There was no reason to run.

Above all, what meaning does this world have for me without Earl Grey? What I wanted wasn't this world, nor this game. It was Earl Grey Twining's happy ending, just that one thing.

Then the answer was set.

I have to go find her.

Even if there is no place for me in that happy ending. If it is for that one line where she survives and smiles, I will use the rest ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠of my lifespan on it.

Strangely, I wasn't scared. Rather, I felt relieved. It felt like I could finally see the end of the road I had been wandering for so long.

"...Let's go find her."

Earl Grey.

That was when it happened.

The sky tore open.

At first, I thought it was thunder.

Kwaaaaaang!!!

At the second explosion, the ground shook. I managed to lift my head. Black dots appeared beyond the gray sky. And soon, they revealed their forms.

"...What is this."

The words leaked out on their own. Three Advents were visible. Each Advent was advancing, neutralizing the defense facilities of the slum where I was. And the marking engraved on the machine caught my eye.

Kyungdanryeon.

My spine chilled. It was an attack by Kyungdanryeon.

The Advents unleashed firepower. Not far away, a building collapsed entirely. The shockwave pushed all the way to the alley, and I slammed my back against the wall. Dust entered my mouth. Screams of terrified people erupted from all sides, and the street turned into a living hell in an instant.

The smell of gunpowder. Collapsing concrete. It was the same smell as the day I first fell into this world.

My heart was beating like crazy.

I'm scared. But I can't just tremble forever. Their goal is obvious. It will be the same as last time. They must be aiming for Earl Grey. The moment that thought reached me, the trembling stopped.

She was alone right now. With her heart broken, she was wandering in the middle of this hell without a single guard. Kyungdanryeon would not show mercy to her circumstances. Once discovered, her happy ending would end there.

My body moved. I ran across the collapsing street. Through the explosions, through the gaps in the buildings, against the people scattering. Every step I took, my unrecovered body screamed, but I ignored it.

The problem was where to go. The streets of this slum are wide. I can't find her by running around aimlessly.

So I stood still and racked my brain.

Think. Remember what you saw in the game. Think about Earl Grey's train of thought.

First, Earl Grey's current state. With an unrecovered body and barefoot, she couldn't have gone far. Because she wouldn't be able to run for long.

And her psychology. She wants to avoid people right now. She interprets everything as being her fault, and the vague fear that someone will die again must be dominating her. So she wouldn't have gone to the main road where people gather, but would have dug into a place with no people.

As I unfolded the map in my head. A few candidate locations came to mind. The knowledge I had memorized by repeating the playthroughs was now shining.

I ran.

The first alley was empty. Only collapsed cargo remained.

The second alley was crowded with people evacuating. Naturally, she wasn't there. The explosions were getting closer. The flight sound of the Advents rang out. There was no time.

Third candidate. To the most remote, dead-end alley.

I turned.

ㆍㆍㆍ

Found her.

At the dead end of a remote alley, Earl Grey was sitting with ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠her back against the wall. She was crying. Without making a sound, just shaking her shoulders. With her face buried in her knees.

The heart that wanted to hold onto the person who first stepped up to be her Apostle. Believing that Earl Grey's greed of wanting to be happy was dragging me to my death, and crying because she found herself disgusting.

"Earl Grey."

At my voice, she lifted her head. Her face was a mess with tears. When she saw me, her expression twisted even more. My heart, looking at those eyes filled with guilt, also wavered.

"...Why did you come."

"We have to run. The Kyungdanryeon bastards are coming soon."

"Don't come."

She shook her head.

"Don't... come near me. If you're with me, you too—"

"Saint-nim."

"Rather than living based on someone's death,"

Earl Grey's voice trembled.

"I'd rather die."

I, who ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠read this woman's monologue as a script, know. This line is a clear death flag. So I couldn't leave those words as they were. Death flags had to be cut off in advance. Because I had decided to protect her life even if it meant trading it with my own.

"...It's too late."

I knelt in front of her.

"I'm a terminal patient anyway. That won't change."

If Assam's words were true, my lifespan must have already started to shorten the moment I rode Logos. Her eyes widened.

"So I'm going to live the rest of my life coolly. I'm going to use this life for the person who saved me."

"...That..."

"It's not because of you. I decided to do it myself. So don't say that."

Earl Grey's expression crumbled.

"...No."

She burst into tears.

"No. If you get involved with me, no matter where you run, no matter what you do, you'll eventually die with me. Everyone did. All because of me—"

She was panicking and rambling.

I reached out and pulled her up into my arms. She was light. But the weight of the life that the slender woman carried was by no means light. So I will carry it with her. Until I disappear.

"...Then I'll protect you."

She stiffened in my arms.

"That death you say you drag around. I can just take it all away. I'll block it, so you don't need to run."

"...Who,"

She looked up at me with trembling eyes.

"Who on earth are you?"

She wasn't asking for my name. She wasn't asking where I came from either. It was a look that said she couldn't understand at all why I would volunteer for death for someone like her.

I thought for a moment about what to answer. I couldn't say I was Kim Min-ho from South Korea, I couldn't say I came from outside the game, and saying I was your die-hard fan was even more out of the question even if I died and came back to life.

"...Why."

She sobbed.

"Why are you helping someone like me?"

Someone like her, she says. It was that again. That was the phrase I hated the most. What is lacking in this person?

"I have seen your kind side more than anyone."

It was the truth. In any moment, she put others before herself. Even while dying without receiving a single reward.

"You've never been rewarded even once. You always poured yourself out for others, and you yourself never received anything."

She stopped breathing in my arms.

"Someone who devotes themselves to others like that. Isn't it okay for at least one person to recognize that?"

I've said it several times, but that was the reason I started this game. I wanted to save you. And you, whom I wanted to protect so much, are standing here right now.

"I will be that one person."

Earl Grey burst into tears. Something she had endured all her life burst out at once. She buried her face in my chest and cried like a child.

I took slow steps while holding her. Explosions rang out behind my back. Kyungdanryeon's Advents were getting closer. There was no time.

How much time would be left until Logos kills me? It didn't matter. There was no value in worrying about such things when it came to wiping those guys out.

The current me saves the Earl Grey in front of me.

That is the only thing I have to do.