Earl Grey, Breaking Herself

I received my name from Earl Grey.

"Evan."

It wasn't a name that just rolled off the tongue.

"It's the name of the saint who baptized the Lord. Someone who gave a new beginning to someone else. Just like you did for me."

I scratched my head for no reason. I couldn't say anything for a long while. Earl Grey had given me a name. My heart pounded at that fact, and I felt good. Suddenly, the thought of ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠my mother, who had named me, crossed my mind.

Well, what can you do? They say once a man or woman leaves home, they're practically a stranger. I guess it's fine to keep a name for myself... right?

Evan. It was the moment I, who had been ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠a spectator outside the screen, received a place to stay within this world. It wasn't bad. If Earl Grey had chosen it herself, I would have been happy to live with it forever. ...I had a time when I thought that, too.

Three days had passed since then.

"Evan, open up."

"...Yes?"

"Ah."

Earl Grey held out a fork. A piece of white fish meat, cut from the fried fish, was dangling at the end. To explain how I ended up in this state: ever since I received my name, she had become much more affectionate toward me.

She felt more like a mom than a Saint. Wait, Earl Grey as a mom? Mommy? That's not too bad, is it?

Don't look at me so weirdly.

A friend who loves mecha anime once said: the stronger the pilot, the more they project their mother onto women. So, as the strongest, it was inevitable.

And so, I was slowly tearing apart a mother's heart. Sorry, Mom.

...The pretext was rehabilitation.

Even though my legs didn't have any strength, it was embarrassing to be supported by her, wearing only a coat over a patient gown.

It was a picture where you couldn't tell who the patient was, but no matter how much I tried to stop her, she insisted on being part of the rehab.

Honestly, I liked it.

Using rehab as an excuse to get fed street food like this, it was almost like a date. I pretended to be embarrassed and accepted the fish meat.

"Score~"

"Evan, what did you just say?"

"It's just your imagination."

And the moment the fish meat touched my tongue.

It was fucking salty.

I'm serious.

Back in the day, when I went on vacation to a rock salt cave.

I had licked a salt wall with my tongue once.

It was exactly that kind of pain.

Why did I lick it, you ask?

...Yeah, why did I do that back then?

"Oh, it's really delicious."

I tried to hide my expression, but I couldn't.

The corners of my mouth twitched.

<The food in the Southern Cross is salty.>

Despite living off a vast maritime trade network, they lacked decent spices, so their entire food culture had shifted toward being salty for preservation.

If British cuisine undergoes dark evolution, this is what it would feel like.

When I read it as text, I just glossed over the setting.

But that setting was currently exploding on my tongue.

"Was it too hot?"

Earl Grey blew on the steaming fish meat.

My brain stopped.

'This is a reward, too.'

Another bite. It was the same fish, the same lump of salt, but strangely, it was delicious. Since my favorite character was feeding me, my sense of taste must have been paralyzed.

Is the secret ingredient Earl Grey? I hid that unpleasant thought and smiled nonchalantly.

"It's delicious."

"That's a relief."

She let out a sigh of relief. I felt like I could swallow ten more if she fed me just one more time. But good times are always short.

"Oh my, look at that."

A sharp voice cut in.

Three women in Saint uniforms walked by on the other side of the road. Behind them, they trailed a line of escort knights. The epaulets on their shoulders, the luxurious accessories.

Even with all that wrapped around them, they couldn't even reach the tip of our Saint Earl Grey's beauty.

Judging by the emblem on their epaulets, they were from the 2nd Saint Faction. The Southern Cross selects seven Saints with high Divine Power from high-ranking families and has them form their own factions.

Earl Grey is the Saint Leader of the 7th Saint Faction. What does the 7th Saint Faction do, you ask? As if there's such a thing. It's what you call an "exclusion group." It was merely the result of the Saints' insidious social lynching to ostracize Earl Grey, who only had high Divine Power.

In particular, the 2nd Saint Faction was a pathetic bunch that took out their frustrations from being suppressed by the 1st Saint of the Twining family every day on Earl Grey, who was also a Twining.

"An incompetent Saint is enjoying a cozy date in a place like this."

"Since she can't even play the role of a meat shield to draw the Advent's attention, she has to at least be good at seducing men."

"How desperate for an Apostle must she be to bring in a spy from the Kyungdanryeon? The name of the prestigious Twining family is crying."

Snickering laughter.

One of them scanned me up and down with a side-eye.

"Still, for an Oriental, he's not bad to look at."

"A barbarian is still a barbarian, no matter how handsome he is."

"And she's sharing a meal with something like that. Her stomach must be pretty strong."

Sorry, you guys aren't my type.

Beside me, Earl Grey slowly lowered her fork.

Her head dropped, and her shoulders hunched.

"Wouldn't it be okay to fire back at least once?"

At my words, she bit her lip and shook her head.

If I left it like this, it looked like this woman would eventually apologize to them first. You, who are crushed by your family, pressed by duty, and only carry everything on your own.

"I'm sorr..."

This wasn't a screen; it was the real world. So, there was no reason for me to stay still. Above all, every time I played the game, I wanted to give those insidious bitches a taste of their own medicine at least once.

"You're from the 2nd Saint Faction, right?"

The three women stopped at the same time.

"The ones who looked down on the Lipton family as nouveau riche last time and ended up in a huge fight at the council. You're famous for losing your entire port rights because of that, aren't you?"

"Evan!"

Earl Grey tried to stop me, but the smiles vanished from their faces. It was to be expected. An Oriental they were seeing for the first time was reciting their faction's dark history. Of course, it was thanks to me memorizing the entire setting book.

"You said she was an incompetent Saint."

I continued slowly.

I also mentioned she was a meat shield.

"During the last raid, I understand that because Saint Earl Grey, the head of the 7th Saint Faction, drew the attention of the Kyungdanryeon, the Saints of other factions were safe. I guess that didn't happen for the 2nd Saint Faction?"

It happened. Of course it happened. While Earl Grey, exposed to the enemy's path, drew their attention, they finished their evacuation safely.

"You blame her for not being a shield, yet you have sisters who survived precisely because of that shield."

I put the salty fish meat in my mouth and chewed slowly. Their expressions were my side dish. Oh, how sweet it was.

"It seems your stomach is the one that's stronger?"

Silence. The three women's faces turned beet red. They opened their mouths to retort, but it seemed they couldn't find the right words. Because it was all true.

"W-what did you say?"

"Forget it, let's just go."

In the end, they dragged their escort knights and disappeared with quick steps. They glared at me subtly on their way out, but I didn't care. I chewed another piece of the fried fish. It was definitely sweet.

"Evan."

Earl Grey looked at me with an angry face.

"Saint-nim. First, let me say this. I'm sorry for stepping in suddenly. But."

Before Earl Grey could finish her sentence, I cut her off.

"What kind of Apostle just stands by when their Saint is being talked about like that?"

"...Still."

"Did I say anything wrong?"

Her lips parted.

"...Thank you."

"If you're thankful, don't apologize next time when you haven't done anything wrong."

I shrugged my shoulders.

I acted nonchalant on the outside, but my heart was pounding on the inside. I had tried to look cool in front of my favorite character, and I was worried about what I'd do if I didn't look cool. Still, looking at her face, it seemed I could put that worry aside. Her ears were red.

"The reason we get cursed at is ultimately because we have no merit."

"Then let's earn it together. Merit."

I said this while stuffing the bag that contained the food, which was a clumsy imitation of fish and chips, into the trash can.

"Yes?"

"The reason you couldn't earn merit, Saint-nim, was because you didn't have an Apostle. But now you do. Let's earn it together. So that people like them can't even open their mouths in front of my Saint-nim."

Based on game knowledge, it was a perfectly possible story. Earl Grey's Divine Power output is top-tier. It was just buried because she didn't have an Apostle to work with.

But now, the king of the veteran players, Raven, Kim Min-ho... no, Evan, is attached.

Whether it's the rank 1 player or whoever, as long as my body holds up, I was confident I could step on them and climb up.

...As long as my body holds up. Earl Grey's face slowly brightened. Then, as if she had bumped into something, it darkened again.

"Is there a problem?"

"Ah, no."

She cautiously held out her pinky finger.

"You're promising, right?"

"I promise."

I hooked my finger with hers. It was when we were passing through a slum alley.

"Saint-nim! Is that Saint Earl Grey?"

Someone recognized her. The person was a man wearing rags. In case he pulled out a knife, which would be a catastrophe, I quickly blocked the front of Earl Grey.

Fortunately, it was a groundless fear. The man was not armed.

And people flocked behind the man. A woman holding an injured child, an old man limping.

"Please... my daughter..."

Earl Grey didn't hesitate. Before I could even react, she moved toward the woman holding the child without a moment's thought. With a body whose wounds hadn't even healed yet.

"Earl Grey-nim, you're still recovering..."

There was no time to stop her. She knelt in front of the child and reached out her hand. Light emerged, but it soon scattered faintly.

Divine Power depletion. It was obvious. She was someone who couldn't even take care of her own body. She was pouring all her Divine Power into her own rehabilitation and recovery, so where would more Divine Power come from? Her expression hardened. And from her pocket, she took out a small knife. Oh, don't tell me, this person—

"Wait."

I was one step too late. Divine Power becomes stronger in the face of a life-or-death crisis. The more one's life is pushed to the edge of a cliff, the greater the miracle they spew out.

So, what Earl Grey is trying to do right now is. Something red spread along her wrist. I belatedly grabbed her wrist.

"Saint-nim. Stop. Right now, you are not in a body that can draw out Divine Power."

Divine Power amplification through self-harm

"Let go."

Unlike before, her voice was too calm. Strength entered the hand holding her knife. Blood continued to flow.

"It's not too late to come tomorrow."

"By tomorrow, someone here might die."

"Then what about you, Saint-nim?"

"What does someone like me matter?"

I was speechless.

She muttered softly.

"To prove that someone like me has the value to be alive, I have to do at least this much."

This person was broken. She was so beautifully and elegantly insane that no one had noticed. She placed her hand on the child. The light spread throughout the entire alley.

I couldn't stop her.

The miracle was exercised equally on everyone in the slum. I hugged her, as she was completely exhausted. If Earl Grey dies living like this, everything is over.

Just now, this woman slashed her own wrist to save people. There was no hesitation. It was a movement that didn't even seem to have considered thoughts like, "What if I die?"

When I played it as a game, this was just the result of one 'choice.' An ending where Earl Grey dies, a branch where Earl Grey gets hurt.

I just let it flow by as a line of text, and if she died, I started the next playthrough. I can't do that here.

There was a fishy smell from her wrist. The smell of death was close. ...Yeah. I have watched her move toward death in this way 90,000 times. What on earth was I thinking while watching this terrible sight all this time?

"Are you worried about me?"

Her face was red.

"Even for someone like me... I'm happy that I've realized I have an Apostle."

It was a voice that wanted to be confirmed that she ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠was the only person who would stay with her, someone who couldn't live as a human without doing at least this much. I couldn't answer right away.

Anyway, saying she's happy. Is that what you say after slashing your own wrist? The inside of my solar plexus turned cold.

As my emotions were suppressed, rational judgment began to take place. This person didn't even know what kind of danger she was risking. No, she knew, but she believed it was natural. That's why I must become her Apostle even more.

Seeing this scene just now, I was certain. This fragile sunfish heroine who rushes toward death, my idol Earl Grey, will die without me.

She could die at any moment.

Holding her hand, where she had barely self-healed her wrist with a miracle just before dying of excessive blood loss, I tried to open my mouth.

At that moment.

"Well."

A woman was standing at the entrance of the alley.

Ivory hair and amber eyes.

She was identical to Earl Grey.

Except for the temperature in her eyes.

Earl Grey's face turned deathly pale.

"Mother."

I know that woman too. I read it in the setting book. The de facto head of the 1st Saint Faction.

The head of the Twining family, Assam Twining.

"It's been a while, Earl Grey. And."

Cold eyes pierced through me.

"You must be the Oriental who came in as that Apostle. I'll speak directly."

There was no greeting. Because that's only for those worthy of such courtesy.

"Quit being Earl Grey's Apostle."

"...I don't want to."

I just got hired for my life's job, so why should I quit? Her eyebrows rose slightly. There was contempt, as if she had seen a bug wriggling.

"There are three reasons why ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠you shouldn't be Earl Grey's Apostle."

She held up her fingers.

"One. If an Oriental with an unclear identity becomes an Apostle of the Twining family, the family's honor will fall. You must have heard just now what this child's reputation is like, right?"

Earl Grey flinched.

"Two. There are people who will be troubled if this child suddenly starts earning merit. People like us who have treated this child like leftovers until now. You can't come today and start honoring someone you pointed at as a defective product until yesterday, can you?"

She was shameless. They were the ones who trampled on her, and now she was saying it was embarrassing for their face if the child tried to stand up. What kind of parent is like this?

I scoffed.

"Is that all? If it's just that much, you can just ignore it."

"...You're quite something."

Assam smiled faintly. It wasn't a compliment.

"Good. Lastly, the third reason. If you hear this, you might change your mind."

She slowly opened her mouth.

"The more you ride the Logos, the shorter your lifespan becomes."

"...What?"

"An Apostle who boards a machine equipped with a 4th generation Covenant like the Logos will have their nerves collapse, and eventually, they will wither away."

...When I was saved by Earl Grey, it seemed she had let slip something similar. Yeah, I remember now. I was so distracted by Earl Grey that I had forgotten.

Assam didn't let the opening I showed slip by.

"In your case, it will be faster. You should have died instantly the moment you boarded the Logos, despite having almost no aptitude. Right now, you're barely blocking it with this child's Divine Power. But that's just like sticking one finger into a dam to stop it. How long do you think that finger will last?"

Her voice grew distant.

"Your lifespan won't be long since you've already boarded it. So, use your remaining time wisely."

Assam's voice flowed past my ears.

Logos. A scrapped, sealed piece of junk. They said it was a failure. The reason why no one could ride it was never revealed.

There should have been a clear reason. And coming here, even after facing the Logos, I could have thought about that reason, but I didn't think about it very deeply.

Because I was a human outside the screen. Even after falling into this world, I had imagined Earl Grey dying countless times. But I had never once imagined that I could die.

Game Over was always Earl Grey's share.

It had never been mine, as someone outside the game.

"Do you know now."

Assam's voice was heard from a distant place.

"Even if you stay by Earl Grey's side, you're just adding one more corpse to her side."

I wanted to retort with something. I wanted to find an answer, as I always had. But my mind went blank, and nothing came to mind.

Crushed by the word "death" that Assam had thrown.

I just stood there, blankly.