An Unintentional Stress Interview
Having wrapped up a not-quite-a-meeting meeting with the heads of the other national branches stationed in the Milano System, we returned to the office.
“Hoo-hahh, sss-haaaah!”
“Heheh, what an incredibly stupid face.”
“This is the supreme, the sacred, the ultimate of all rewards! Trrrre-biii-en!!!!!!!!!”
“Uh.”
“Haaaamoniiiiiiic!!!!!!!!!”
“‧‧‧‧‧‧Wow.”
“Truly, thank you so much. Thanks to you, I, Heisenberg, have found the courage to go on living.”
“Eeeeh.”
They'd all worked so hard in my stead, you see, so as a “reward” (Ilena had already received hers in the form of a little cheek-rub), I tossed them the over-knee socks I'd been wearing, exactly as they'd wished—and what followed was, in a word, spectacular.
Like a mackerel yanked straight out of the water, Heisenberg convulsed madly, sniff-sniffing away with the most thoroughly unhinged expression imaginable. He buried his face in one sock and let out a howl; at one point he even pulled the other clean over his head like a hood, transforming himself into a bona fide monster. I recoiled in pure horror at the sight.
And so, the morning after witnessing that spectacle of madness—
“You seem to have slept rather poorly, Doctor.”
“I guess Heisenberg's madness was just too strong. I slept a solid eight hours, but I feel like I dozed off curled up like a shrimp.”
“‧‧‧‧‧‧.”
Whereas my bedhead and disheveled state were on full display for anyone to see, Ilena—who by all logic should have been working far harder than I was—was somehow sporting taut, glowing skin and eyes absolutely brimming with energy.
“Assistant, come here.”
“Yes, Doctor.”
“Mmmph, squish-squish.”
“‧‧‧‧‧‧.”
Determined to erase the memory of the vicious, depraved monster that was Heisenberg, I resolved to purify my mind and body by fiddling with Ilena's cooling pouches.
But as I sat there savoring the soft, yielding feel of those cool little pouches, I suddenly recalled something I'd completely forgotten about.
Namely, the reinforcements we'd received from the Demonia Empire homeworld right after toppling the former Milano central government.
“Assistant, assistant, come to think of it, I've never once met the commander of that fast squadron, or the marine battalion commander who just arrived?”
“Given the circumstances at the time, only provisional transfer reports were filed, and they were deployed on system stabilization operations alongside the other ships and troops.”
More precisely, I'd never met the commanders of the 1345th Fast Squadron and the 593rd Marine Battalion—the direct combat forces among those reinforcements.
The transfer paperwork itself had been completed, of course, but the moment I heard that these people I'd never so much as laid eyes on were currently working hand in hand with Majors 'Strasse' and 'Homeros' from before, it occurred to me that the stabilization work should be finished by now anyway.
So I decided it would be a good idea to have them submit their formal transfer registrations and meet face to face. And Ilena—who at that moment was quietly radiating magical chill from the breast pressed against my side, cooling down my overheated body—left behind an approving little squish of agreement.
Thus, about ten minutes after Ilena excused herself, rose from her spot, and departed to arrange everything just as I'd asked‧‧‧‧‧‧
“Doctor, I have brought the commander of the 593rd Marine Battalion.”
“Huh? Already?”
“Stabilization operations have concluded, and he happened to be standing by at the Demonia branch rest facility inside the central administration building.”
“Good. So who is it? And what about the squadron commander?”
“The squadron commander is currently aboard ship on the return trip, and reports it will take roughly thirty minutes to arrive.”
“Ah, I see~.”
I was at that very moment beholding the marvelous spectacle of Ulongi gripping a different cleaning implement in each of its ten arms, wiping the office down without a single speck of dust remaining—when Ilena reported that she'd brought our guest back faster than expected.
I nodded, halted Ulongi's cleaning operations on the spot, and resolved to get a look at the marine battalion commander's face now, with the squadron commander to follow later. Though honestly, speaking of the new battalion commander's transfer report—much like the two who'd come before—he didn't have any particularly eye-catching appearance whatsoever.
“Long live Demonia! Lieutenant Colonel Alass Omitron, commander of the 593rd Marine Battalion!”
“Yeah, yeah, Alass—so, a Lieutenant Colonel, huh. Does that make you the highest-ranked of the bunch?”
“I was promoted just before my deployment, so my practical experience is no different from the other battalion commanders!”
“Huh. Is it usually like this, Assistant?”
“Unlike Darven Ancio, who came before, you may take this as evidence that the homeworld has sent genuinely reliable personnel.”
“Ah, so that's what that means.”
And so, after being treated to some wholly unintentional TMI, the encounter wrapped itself up with the side effect of—quite accidentally—re-establishing a proper chain of command among the marine battalions under my wing.
“Right, right, then keep up the good work.”
“Yes, ma'am! I shall devote my utmost loyalty! I take my leave now, Consul Benya Tomiri!”
“‧‧‧‧‧‧Assistant, what exactly did I ever do to make him that terrified of me?”
For some reason, the Lieutenant Colonel had withdrawn in a state of jaw-rattling military formality, just like every other battalion commander, and Ilena seemed genuinely puzzled by it.
“That would be because of Captain Darven Ancio and his faction, of course—and in addition, word of how the Jacomo gang was dealt with has spread far and wide as of late.”
“Ah.”
“What's more, the Doctor is currently keeping 'something' very similar to that 'former' Captain Darven Ancio right beside you at this very moment. If he weren't feeling the pressure, that would be far more alarming.”
“You could've warned me, you know.”
“Powerful combat units such as marine battalions must be firmly dominated early on. If you come across as soft and ingratiating from the outset, they may come to take you lightly and attempt to devour you in turn.”
“Eeeeeh‧‧‧‧‧‧.”
“To reign above others, one must sometimes possess a modest degree of notoriety.”
“That is not a 'modest' degree of notoriety.”
“‧‧‧‧‧‧Other Consuls are much the same, differing only somewhat in intensity.”
And thus it came to light that the true culprit was none other than 'Ulongi', which I had absentmindedly left standing right beside me after halting its cleaning, without a second thought.
So he kept getting super scared stiff during his transfer report and I was like why
Then I realized I'd left Ulongi standing right next to me, frozen mid-cleaning
My assistant is teasing me about having no situational awareness ;ㅅ;
I mean it's not like he's Darvena, who wrecked a fellow marine battalion commander, so why's he acting like this T_T
The instant I heard that explanation, guilt welled up inside me—I realized that from the Lieutenant Colonel's perspective, I had effectively subjected him to a full-blown stress interview.
And now that I knew the truth, when Ilena informed me shortly after the battalion commander's departure that the commander of the 1345th Fast Squadron had arrived, I moved with great haste.
I quickly stuffed Ulongi into the bio-storage tank built into the office wall to hide it—a modest bit of sleight of hand.
And while I was busy doing that, I asked Ilena about the incoming squadron commander.
“Oh, right, Assistant. What's this squadron commander like?”
“Certainly. Their abilities are unquestionably outstanding—it would be no exaggeration to call them exceptional at hunting down space pirates. However‧‧‧‧‧‧.”
“However?”
“To speak frankly, I've heard they are rather notorious for a peculiar personality, as well as for a disorderly private life.”
“Huh.”
“That said, it is not my place to render a direct judgment, so it would be best for you to see for yourself and form your own evaluation, Doctor.”
“Wait, haven't all the malicious judgments already been handed down by now?!”
Thanks to that vaguely suspicious reaction, a flicker of worry rose unbidden the moment I heard it: Don't tell me she's some promiscuous 'town bicycle' type or an NTR character?!
But such thoughts lasted only a moment—because the instant the office door swung open and the person in question stepped inside‧‧‧‧‧‧
“Nice to meetcha~! Colonel Emilia Barbel of the 1345th Fast Squadron, reporting in-mda!”
“‧‧‧‧‧‧Assistant, I'm now certain of exactly one thing.”
“And what might that be, Doctor?”
“That the rumor about the squadron commander's 'disorderly private life' is, first and foremost, complete and utter nonsense.”
“Is... is that so?”
What had appeared before me, dressed in a military uniform much like Ilena's, was what the forum users would call 'an otaku gyaru who's kind to fellow weebs'—greeting me in that sing-song contracted military drawl of hers.
Gazing at Colonel Emilia Barbel, who radiated untouched innocence to anyone with functioning eyes, I found myself concluding that the rumor of her being a 'town bicycle' constantly fooling around with everyone was slander, pure and simple.