Because Your Heart Is Like a Star - 2
Someday.
After I ran into Dr. Jang again, there was a day when I drank soju with him until I was absolutely wrecked at a jokbal place. It was the kind of restaurant that filled up so tightly by evening that the backs of the customers in the next seats were practically bumping into each other.
The voices of drunk patrons mingled together and gathered like a cloud.
Murmur murmur
The doctor and I sat there quietly, waiting.
“...”
“...”
After a little while.
The auntie came over and slammed a bowl of jokbal down with a thud.
“Enjoy!”
“!”
“!”
True to its reputation, the spread was generous. The jokbal was piled high, almost collapsing under its own weight. Beside it, soondae soup was bubbling away, and a riot of side dishes filled every corner of the table in bright colors.
Dr. Jang grinned and poured the soju.
Drip.
Clear liquid flowed into two transparent glasses.
We each took one.
And then...
Clink—!
With the crisp ring of glass against glass,
we drank down the bitter soju.
Dr. Jang let out a satisfied kyaa and grabbed a piece of jokbal.
“You know, eating here means you don’t have to suffer through a hangover afterward. At this age, if you don’t hold your liquor with a proper chaser, your stomach turns inside out the next day. You’ve got to coat it with something oily.”
“Thank you for bringing me to such a famous place.”
“Oh, come on. Anybody who lives in Seoul knows this place.”
“...”
We filled each other’s glasses again.
Clink—!
Once more,
the clear, bitter liquid slid down our throats.
One bottle,
and then another...
By the time a green wall of bottles had risen beside the table,
both of our faces were flushed red.
We drank with our heads bobbing,
moving like wooden dolls.
“Kraah!”
“...”
“Taek, you’re better at holding your liquor than you look. That’s what I like about you.”
“Is that so?”
“You’d be surprised if you knew it’d been decades since I’d sat down with someone and drunk this long. A friend with the right tolerance is... rarer than a friend who can hear your soul.”
“You mean jium, then.”
“Exactly! You understood me right away! That’s jium! Hahaha!”
“...”
As you’d expect from a former musician,
he seemed attached to the word jium.
Dr. Jang slapped his thigh and looked off into the air. His eyes had gone faintly distant. Maybe it was the liquor, making them wet and shining all the more.
“Jium. Hearing that word makes me think of an old friend.”
“Was he a musician too?”
“No, not exactly... He was in the culture business. Said he could sing a little in his own way. But to my ears, he was never much of anything. Just a fellow who could handle money in a room.”
“Money?”
“Yeah, well... he was kind of a big shot.”
“I see.”
“You probably wouldn’t know him. This was about twenty years ago, I guess? He had a rough time toward the end. Hung himself.”
“...”
Dr. Jang drained his soju in one go.
“Kraah... Anyway. That’s not the important part.”
“...”
“What’s strange is how I met that bastard.”
“How was it?”
“Neither he nor I had any reason to meet. Different workplaces, different personalities, different hometowns. We weren’t the sort to go looking for each other. And yet we kept running into each other by pure coincidence, somewhere or another.”
“...”
“Once on a train. Once at a provincial university. And finally, on the train ride back...”
“...”
“So I went up to that fool, who’d only been watching me out of the corner of his eye, and said...”
The violinist with the sharp gaze.
Jang Chul walked straight up to the man.
-We keep bumping into each other. Might as well introduce ourselves properly. I’m Jang Chul, from the National Orchestra. I handle the violin.
-!
The businessman who had come back from America.
That man, hair slicked back with oil, said to Jang Chul:
-My name is Jeong Cheol-yong. I work in the culture business.
The two of them shook hands.
An absurd meeting.
An almost forced introduction.
And yet they became friends for twenty years.
Hometown,
personality,
job,
hobbies,
everything about the two of them was different.
And still, they became bound by a single handshake.
“...”
“...”
Dr. Jang went on.
“I didn’t know it then. I just thought it was some joke, shaking hands with a skinny little runt like that... Never imagined he’d come back to me as the only friend I’d still be thinking about decades later.”
“...”
He said quietly,
“I should’ve treated him better. Met him more often. Stopped pretending to be shy just because I was getting old, brought a good bottle of liquor over, asked him what was wrong when things got hard...”
“...”
“That’s what bonds are like.”
His eyes were troubled.
“They show up so ridiculously that you don’t know how precious they are. They’re the sort of thing you’re supposed to hold on to no matter what.”
“...”
Dr. Jang took another drink.
“You’ll have a bond like that too.”
“I’m not sure.”
“You will. Definitely. Don’t let it go until the very end.”
“...”
“I still think about that sometimes.”
“What do you think about?”
“Back then. Twenty years ago, when Jeong Cheol-yong shut himself up in the house. If I’d gone over there with a bottle of makgeolli and said, ‘Is there no one who’ll drink with this poor old beggar!’...”
Like that train station.
If I’d just grabbed hold of him like a fool.
“Maybe then I could’ve stopped him from hanging himself so pointlessly.”
“...”
He said,
“So...”
“Yes.”
“Don’t let go.”
*
-And don’t give up...
“!”
I sat up in the grass.
A streetlamp flickered overhead, washing me in a pale light.
“...”
It seemed I’d been dreaming.
I looked around.
The sun had already set completely, and darkness had fallen.
This was somewhere in Hangang Park.
Beside me lay the unicycle I’d been riding all night and the backpack I’d been lugging around. Apparently I’d dozed off from exhaustion after spending the whole night out on a cycling wander.
No matter how many times I regress, my stamina doesn’t improve. Guess I just flopped down by the road and passed out.
Far off, people were still passing by. Even at this late hour, some had spread out mats and were lying down, while others were sharing late-night snacks together.
And since I’m not in a one-room apartment, I guess I haven’t regressed yet.
Not yet.
It was still the thirty-first.
What time was it?
I pulled out my phone.
“...”
The screen was black.
The battery must have died.
In the end, I just shoved it back into my pocket.
“...”
I sat there blankly.
What now?
“...”
There was nothing to do.
The Big Plan A corporation had already changed its structure long ago. Even without my approval, it could now use funds as long as they were legally documented as operating expenses for ABCDRD.
I don’t know how responsibly they’ll spend it, or how efficiently... but still.
Twenty billion won.
And if the remaining 8.7 billion sitting in my account gets transferred automatically on August 1...
Twenty-eight point seven billion.
At the current rate, wouldn’t I be burning through 700 million a month? If the accounting team just managed the advance funds decently, it could automatically earn four to five hundred million on its own.
Then that would be forty-one months.
Three years and five months.
Big Plan A could hold on for about that long.
I’d missed a lot, but even so, there was still this much left.
“...Still. I should’ve earned more.”
If I’d at least hit the maximum safe ceiling of one hundred billion, I wouldn’t need these petty calculations. I wouldn’t have to watch the numbers, calculating operating costs and corporate funds with bated breath.
Then I really could’ve given it wings,
made a lot more people happy.
“They’d have done live shows, not live viewings.”
Out of regret,
I kept muttering to myself.
“...”
Still.
There was nothing I could do.
It was over now.
The promise had been kept,
and they had climbed aboard their little ark and set out to sea.
“...”
Now was the time for me to let go.
There was nothing left but regret.
I had to empty myself out and prepare for the next regression.
But then.
A voice sounded in my head.
-Don’t let go.
“...”
-And don’t give up.
“...I’m about to regress.”
-You mustn’t become like me.
“Dr. Jang will forget me too.”
-That’s what friends promise each other.
“...Hah.”
I lifted the corners of my mouth and smiled.
“Heh, heh... Look at me. I’m happy. This was a wonderful round, with wonderful people like you, Miss A-young, and Dr. Jang. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.”
-Then live happily.
“...”
Would I, really?
There was one thing, one promised thing, that still stung.
A-young had kept every promise.
Except for the one promise she could never keep.
-Next time, I’ll remember for sure.
“...”
-I won’t forget, not ever.
“...”
-I’ll treasure it.
“...That’s hard. That one.”
I got to my feet and said,
“After the regression, you’ll forget too, A-young. So let’s just pretend that promise never existed. That’s enough.”
Muttering that to myself,
I started walking, one step at a time.
Leaving countless people behind.
From far away, I heard the news playing on an electronic billboard.
A frantic voice came from it.
-The scene is currently in total chaos! Smoke is rising from the protest tents and the demonstration site where the repeal rally was gathering! An emergency response committee, including the military, police, and fire department, has been convened, and...
“!”
On the screen,
flames were surging up somewhere in downtown Seoul.
People passing by started murmuring.
-Whoa... what is this, some old-school protest from the 1980s?
-Is that actually okay?
-No wonder fire trucks have been passing by like crazy since earlier.
And I was powerless.
“...”
There’s another fire in another place.
The final event to occur on the thirty-first.
A fire always broke out where the protesters demanding the abolition of the Seonjin Management Act had gathered.
The problem was...
Every round, it happened in a different place. Even if I reported what I’d seen in a previous round ahead of time, they treated it as a malicious prank call and phoned me back for questioning.
So...
“...”
...at some point, I gave up.
I couldn’t stop that.
It was a disaster that regression itself could never prevent.
I can’t stop the bill from being introduced either. Myeong Gi-jun always moved in complete secrecy with bodyguards in tow. If I tried to approach and dismantle the structure, someone would block me.
I was useless.
Because of regression.
To myself, everything was meaningless.
“...”
So I looked away.
But my chest throbbed.
It hurt too much.
I squeezed my eyes shut and ran away.
And I covered my ears so I wouldn’t hear the news.
I’m sorry...
Helpless,
cowardly,
and then...
I ran again.
I’m sorry...
From the system,
from the people,
from everything,
emptying myself out bit by bit of all the things I’d filled my heart with.
I ran.
With my eyes shut, I kept running.
For a long while.
In the dark.
“...I’m sorry.”
What I finally arrived at was a convenience store.
All the lights were off, and a bleak, lonely atmosphere hung over the place.
“...”
Shamelessly,
and without the slightest shame,
I had come back in search of the one meaning I’d managed to build.
There was only one bond left.
A bond I’d been hurt by countless times,
a bond I’d been too frightened to make over all those long rounds.
A bond.
“...”
I walked toward the outdoor table.
After running so long, my legs had gone weak. I pressed my sweat-soaked cheek against it. The cool plastic seemed to soothe me.
“...”
I lifted my hand.
And tapped.
Tap
Tap
“...”
It sounded like the day I met A-young.
Tap
Tap
It sounded like the night I drank with Dr. Jang.
Tap
Tap
The taste of the potato pancake Father Joo had made for me...
Tap
Tap
Pastor Kim, Father Kwon, Mr. Dodam, A-young’s mother, CEO Baek Su-cheol, Clara, Berry...
And then.
And then...
“...”
I bit my lip.
I didn’t want to go back.
There was still too much I wanted to see.
Still.
Still...!
-Jumjjang-nim!
“Taek oppa?”
“!”
It felt like my heart stopped.
I turned around.
A-young was there.
She came out of the convenience store building, breathing hard like me under her baseball cap, her eyes uneasy. Yellow hair reflected the light of the streetlamp.
It shimmered.
I let out a low groan.
“...”
...If this was the end, I didn’t want to see her.
Because then...
it would only hurt more.
Thinking that,
I muttered blankly,
“A-young.”
“Oppa—!”
She ran toward me.
Tap, tap.
And then, standing there,
she took both of my hands in hers.
They were warm.
A-young frowned and said,
“Honestly! You didn’t answer my calls all day, and when I came to the convenience store you were nowhere to be seen... And then, and then...”
“...”
“What is that document supposed to be?”
“...”
“Why did you give it to me...? Why the convenience store...?”
“...”
So she’d seen it.
A-young said worriedly,
“Is something wrong? Are you sick?”
“...”
I tried to open my mouth and answer.
Tick.
Tick.
Something cold was closing in.
The awful feeling just before regression, mastered through hundreds of repetitions.
Tick.
Tick.
My hands began to shake.
“...”
The colder my hands grew,
the more painful that warmth in her grip felt.
I wanted to look away.
But I couldn’t turn my eyes from the star looking down at me. So I could see the way her expression shifted, worry blooming on it moment by moment.
“...”
“...”
Somehow.
To her, at least.
I wanted to say it.
Following Dr. Jang’s advice.
At the very least.
At the very end, at least...
Like a fool.
“A-young.”
“Yes?”
“Time keeps turning back.”
“Huh...?”
“It keeps, keeps going back to May 1.”
“Wh... what...”
“No matter what I do, I can’t get out.”
“...”
Tick.
Tick.
Cold sweat ran down me.
Still holding her hands, I rambled like an idiot.
“May, June, July... dozens of times, hundreds of times... I keep circling through the same span of time. By now I can tell you everything that happens in these three months with my eyes closed.”
“...”
“Stocks, weather, everything. I know it all.”
“...”
“But it all disappears. Some things even happen at the very end of July, like they’re mocking me.”
“...”
Tick.
Tick.
[July 31, 11:58:32 PM]
“No matter how much I cherish them. No matter how hard I try to save them... Three months is too short. There’s nothing I can do, even if I struggle alone.”
“...”
“I keep wanting to see them, to save everyone.”
“...”
“But everyone... forgets me. Because it’s always only me who goes back to May 1 again.”
“...”
“So. So...”
“...”
My words kept tangling themselves up.
“...”
No.
No...
That’s not what I wanted to say.
What I wanted to say at the very end was...
“...”
Tick.
Tick.
[July 31, 11:59:11 PM]
I said it honestly.
“Even if I’m gone,”
“...”
“from now on,”
“...”
“keep going,”
“...”
“and be happy.”
Then I smiled brightly.
“The live was wonderful. I’m proud of you.”
“...”
For a moment, silence fell.
“...”
“...”
That was enough.
I’d said it.
That was...
that was enough...
[July 31, 11:59:32 PM]
“...”
Enough.
And then.
A-young said,
“Then what about you?”
“Huh?”
“What do you mean?”
“I want you to be happy too, Oppa.”
“I’m fine.”
She shook her head.
“No. You’re not fine.”
“What...?”
A-young smiled.
“Because I like you, Oppa.”
“That...”
[July 31, 11:59:54 PM]
[July 31, 11:59:55 PM]
[July 31, 11:59:56 PM]
Tick.
Tick.
“So.”
She tightened her grip on my hands.
[July 31, 11:59:57 PM]
[July 31, 11:59:58 PM]
[July 31, 11:59:59 PM]
“Let’s get through this together.”
“!”
With A-young’s smile,
light suddenly burst from the bracelet.
Flash—!
『The bond was continued.』
“?”
Bond...?
From there, I heard countless voices.
All of them were voices thanking me.
『Thank you, Bigman.』
『I like you, Taek oppa.』
『Thank you, Bigman.』
『Thank you, Taek-i.』
...
...
...
Tick—!
And then the world went dark.
My vision was slowly swallowed by darkness.
It was regression.
“Ah...”
An endless curtain.
I was being pulled into the dark.
All sensation was disappearing.
Time was empty,
and everything was being reduced to nothingness.
“...”
So in the end.
I’m regressing.
But...
I told them everything, so I don’t regret it...
Far away, a light flickered.
Flash!
“!”
As I was being dragged into the darkness,
I strained to turn my eyes.
Far away, a cluster of bright light was shimmering. It was the first thing I’d seen like that through hundreds of regressions.
What in the world is that...
A faint voice reached me from there.
From somewhere far away.
『Karma and bonds.』
“?”
『Choose.』
“...”
What was karma,
and what were bonds?
I was confused.
“...”
But.
-Don’t let go of the bond...!
I couldn’t ignore my friend’s advice.
“Bond.”
『....』
Something answered.
『...Understood.』
And light returned to the world.
*
Tick—!
“...”
I sat up on the shabby mattress in my rundown one-room apartment.
“...”
I looked to the side.
Through the open window, the familiar apartment complex outside came into view. I could hear birds chirping. The creak of cheap furniture was still the same.
I looked down.
The Aki-chan T-shirt was gone, replaced once more by a drab, colorless shirt. I opened my backpack, but there was no All-Star Box inside.
“...”
I picked up my phone.
[May 1, 07:02:12]
“...”
Again.
It had started.
“...”
Regression.
was still there.
Without warning, laughter spilled out of me.
Laughter with no feeling in it at all.
“Heh, heh, heh... heh...”
Hah.
Hah-hah.
Hah-hah-hah.
“Hahah...! Hahah...!”
What on earth...
had I been expecting?
“Hahah...”
Hah.
Hah-hah-hah.
Hah...
“...”
I should go buy a lottery ticket.
Thinking that,
I tried to stand up.
Ping!
“...?”
I froze.
I looked at the phone.
On the first day of a round... who had messaged me?
No.
This had never happened before.
What was this.
What was this...?
What in the world...?
And then it rang again.
Ping!
“?!”
With trembling hands, I picked up the phone.
[A-young: Taek oppa T_T when is your shift?]
[A-young: I have a broadcast even on Saturday....]
“Ah.”
Saturday.
It was seven in the morning.
The convenience store shift handoff time.
“...”
But.
That was...
from the previous round.
The regression had already passed.
Then why?
“...”
Why...
“...”
As if possessed, I stood up.
And opened the door and stepped outside.
“No way...”
This was.
something that had never happened before.
“No way!”
Feeling the morning air on my skin,
I started running like a madman toward the convenience store.