First Experience (2)
A weekend afternoon, right around the hour when the sun began to sting.
I walked with my eyes on my phone. On that palm-sized screen, Ban Soyoung stood against a hazy sea, one hand catching her windblown hair as she looked off toward something I couldn't see. I swiped, and there she was again, head turned back toward the camera. Another swipe, and this time it was the two of us side by side with the water behind us. Something about the faint distance between her and me in that shot pulled a smile out of me.
After that day, the album had filled up with pictures of us together. One of us with drinks at a café. One in front of a movie poster. There was even a shot of Ban Soyoung taking on a claw machine for the first time, mouth pressed tight, utterly absorbed, and a laugh slipped out of me before I could stop it.
"......"
I'd been staring at the screen for a while when I happened to glance down at the small shopping bag in my other hand. Inside sat a little plastic box, nothing to it but two red buttons and a tiny speaker hole, more toy than anything else. It was the birthday present I meant to give Ban Soyoung.
She'll like it, won't she?
Monday was her birthday. I'd gone back and forth for ages over what to get her, and in the end I'd remembered this recording box, the one my dad had given me when I was little. Press a button and a saved voice came out. A recorder, more or less. It wasn't anything special, and yet back then it had seemed like magic. I wanted her to like it the way I had, and once that thought took hold, I went ahead and got it ready.
I wanted to give her a new one, if I could.
I'd looked for the same model. I couldn't find it anywhere. Most of the similar ones were wrong in quality or in shape, nothing I could feel good about. So after all that worrying, I decided to just give her mine.
Dad would understand.
Summer break was nearly here, and I still couldn't get in touch with him. At first I'd worried something had happened. Now that it was closing in on two years, what I felt was resentment—that he'd thrown Mom and me away without a single word. I didn't want to become a man like my father.
...If I leave it like this, she'll find it, right?
When I reached the school, I slipped into the dark classroom and opened Ban Soyoung's locker. Just as I'd checked beforehand, there was no lock on it.
Yeah. Fits perfectly.
I set the bag with the gift inside as carefully as I could, then ducked back out. Picturing the look on her face when she found it after the weekend, I smiled without meaning to.
...I really hope she likes it.
I went straight home, and the moment I opened the front door—
"I'm ho... me?"
I stopped halfway through taking off my shoes, caught by a wrongness I couldn't name.
Huh?
The place was a wreck.
"Uh... Mom. What is all this?"
"Oh, Daehyun, you're back?"
She was in the middle of the living room, wrestling with an enormous box. I looked around with my eyes gone round. Clothes and belongings were stacked in neat piles among the boxes scattered everywhere. It was a scene I'd watched play out more than once.
No way.
Just then she paused in her packing, wiped her forehead, and said it.
"I haven't touched your things yet, so hurry up and get them together."
Exactly what I'd been afraid of.
"W-we're moving again?"
"That's how it turned out."
"Wh-when? Why all of a sudden..."
"...Daehyun."
She stopped what she was doing and looked at me, her face suddenly grave. She didn't explain. She didn't have to. I understood well enough. It was Dad again. Something had gone wrong because of him.
"The truck will be here soon. I found a place a lot like this one, so take whatever you want to keep."
The notice hit me harder than I was ready for. It wasn't as if we'd never packed up and left overnight before. But—
Why did it have to be now?
If only it hadn't been today. Resentment toward my father surged up hot in my chest. Not that there was anything I could do about it.
Damn it.
In the end I walked past her and headed for my room. Even if we had to move, if they could just have waited until the weekend was over—that was all I'd wanted. And here was my father, not so much as showing his face, and the bitterness only grew.
Damn it...
I pulled out the moving bag that was always kept ready and started shoving things into it, swallowing the anger as I went. Then a small doll caught my eye, set carefully at the edge of the desk. The first one Ban Soyoung had ever won.
"......"
I set the bag down and reached for it, careful, and lifted it into my hands.
If I leave like this, what happens to Ban Soyoung?
Obviously I wouldn't be going to the same school anymore. Chasing her down every break for some pointless little conversation. Spending the hours after class together, happy for no real reason. None of that would be possible.
...Still, it's not like I won't be able to contact her at all...
I didn't know yet where we were going, but however far it was, it would still be somewhere in Korea. If I wanted to see her, I could. I just hoped it wouldn't be too far.
"Daehyun! You packing? They said the truck's almost here!"
"...I'm packing!"
I forced myself steady and tucked the doll into the front pocket of the bag.
Better put my phone in too.
Afraid I might lose it, I took the phone out and slid it in right beside the doll.
Pack first. I'll contact her after.
I zipped the pocket shut all the way and went back to gathering the rest.
"You got everything? We're heading out."
"...Yes."
Getting ready hadn't taken long. We'd moved often enough that I'd picked up a knack for it, and there hadn't been much to take in the first place. Before long the truck pulled away, and we followed at an easy pace behind it. I leaned back in the seat and stared blankly out the window. Beyond the glass, the neighborhood I'd only just grown used to slid slowly past. I probably wouldn't be coming back here for a while. Maybe I never would.
...We're really leaving.
Every time I transferred there was a little regret, but this time it sat heavier than the rest. Heavy enough that I wished I could stay behind on my own.
I'd been watching the streets go by for a while when I reached down for the bag at my feet. I had a moment now. I was going to leave Ban Soyoung a message.
"...Hm?"
The pocket felt light.
"Huh...?"
All I could feel was the doll I'd packed, and a few bits of junk. I set the bag on my lap and started going through the pocket in earnest, and Mom, in the driver's seat, flicked a glance my way.
"What? Something missing?"
"No... my phone... it was in here..."
"Your phone?"
No matter how I groped around in there, it didn't turn up. Starting to panic, I turned the pocket inside out entirely. And still—
"Wh-what...?"
The phone wasn't there.
"Didn't you put it somewhere else? Look properly."
"I didn't. I put it in here earlier..."
Thinking I might have shoved it in the wrong place without noticing, I opened the bag wide. I searched every inch of it. The phone was nowhere.
My heart dropped.
"Why—why isn't it here? I know I put it in here, I know I did..."
Mom let out a short sigh, hands on the wheel.
"You need to keep better track of your things. It might've ended up in one of the boxes, so look for it when we unpack."
"......"
It felt unfair, and all I could do was fidget with the empty pocket.
A few hours later—
"It's not here..."
Even after we reached the new house, I never found the phone. I opened every box there was and turned over every place it might have been, and it simply wasn't anywhere. The frustration was enough to drive me out of my mind.
Where did it even go?
I sank down among the luggage I'd torn through and stared blankly at the wreck of my room. Of course I hadn't managed a single word to Ban Soyoung.
I should've at least memorized her number.
The thought that I'd been cut off from her out of nowhere had me grabbing at my hair for no good reason.
"You didn't find your phone?"
Mom came in from the living room, where she'd been sorting through the boxes. Heavy-hearted, I gave a quiet nod. She smiled, trying, it seemed, to comfort me.
"Aigoo... Mom will buy you a new one, so don't be too upset. All right?"
She crouched beside me and rubbed my back. But a new phone wasn't going to fix this. Losing Ban Soyoung's number was bad enough, and every photo we'd taken together was in there too. Never mind the messages we'd sent back and forth. My memories with her had vanished all at once.
Her number... I have to find her number first, at least.
I dragged myself back together, scrubbed a hand over my dry face, and racked my brain as hard as I could.
If I can just reach her somehow...
And then a good idea flashed through my head. Ban Soyoung was still at the same school.
Ah—! Right! Why didn't I think of that?
If I called the school and explained, getting a phone number passed along ought to be easy enough. Hope caught, and I looked up at Mom.
"Mom. You have my homeroom teacher's number, right?"
"...Your old teacher? Why would you..."
"I just—I wanted to ask for a friend's number...!"
For some reason, she didn't answer right away. She looked at my face in silence, then asked, low:
"This is about that girl, isn't it."
"...What?"
My heart dropped hard.
"The pretty one. Blonde. I'm right, aren't I?"
"?!"
I startled so badly I could only blink at her. I couldn't even get out a how did you know. She let out a small sigh, as if my reaction had told her everything she needed.
"When you were in the hospital, they said an incredibly pretty girl kept coming to see you."
"......"
The information had been leaking from somewhere I'd never thought to watch.
"You've been going around with her a lot lately, haven't you?"
"Y-you knew...?"
"Do I look that oblivious to you?"
My face burned. She'd never said a word, so I'd assumed she simply hadn't noticed. Apparently I was the only one who'd been working so hard to hide it. My head dipped on its own.
"...I'm sorry. I wasn't hiding it on purpose..."
It must have been around the time I first started elementary school. From somewhere along the way, Mom had started warning me not to get too close to girls. My ability might burst out before I even knew it was happening. Until I was used to handling it, I had to be careful. I still remembered those words clearly, so if she scolded me now, I didn't think I had a thing to say for myself.
"You like that girl that much?"
"...What?"
What came back was nothing like what I'd braced for. I glanced up at her. Her face was more serious than I had ever seen it. I hesitated, then slowly nodded. She was quiet for a moment. Then she sat up properly and began, her voice low.
"Daehyun."
"...Yes."
"I don't think it's wrong for you to like someone."
"......"
"But I can't just cheer you on, either. I'm your mother."
I couldn't make myself answer. I thought I could already tell, dimly, what she was trying to say.
"If you keep getting closer to that girl, what are you going to do later?"
"...That's..."
"Even if you don't want it to, something bad could happen to her. You know that."
I bit down on my dry lips, again and again. It wasn't wrong, the idea that I ought to keep my distance for her sake. Mom was the proof of it. She was a victim of the Incubus Affliction. Her crime had been falling in love with my father, and instead of being loved in return, she had spent her whole life running. I hated our family's ability because I had watched, from right beside her, what it did to her.
"I'm saying this because I'm worried about that girl. And about you."
Even so, it was also true that Ban Soyoung had stayed by me knowing all of it. And I had no intention of doing something irresponsible.
...Right. I'm not like Dad. I'm not that kind of man.
I clenched my fist hard and said it, careful.
"...That won't happen with me."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"Can you be sure? That for the rest of your life, you won't do her any harm at all?"
"Of course—!"
I opened my mouth and shut it again almost at once.
"...Of course..."
I remembered what Dad had told me the last time I saw him. The Incubus Affliction grows stronger the older you get. He'd said that he, like Grandpa, had come to control it properly as he aged. But he'd also said there were moments he couldn't. That you get dragged by the ability whether you want to or not, the way you get dragged through puberty. Back then I'd thought, vaguely, that being careful would be enough.
If... if that time comes, will I really be able to handle it?
I hadn't lived through it yet. I couldn't bring myself to answer easily. And there was more.
Once Ban Soyoung becomes a hero...
I'd only just heard that she was going to work as one. I hadn't asked why she'd hidden what she was, or why she was choosing to reveal it now. I simply believed she would do well. I had never seen a superhuman prettier than Ban Soyoung, or one with a greater ability. She'd get famous fast. She'd be on TV all the time. Famous enough that there wouldn't be a person who didn't know her. I'd even joked that when that day came, she ought to take me on as a sidekick.
If it comes to that...
My very existence would be a burden on her. I would become the one thing I had wanted most to avoid. Someone who brings trouble down on the person he likes. The reality of it hit me all at once, and I closed my eyes.
"......"
For a long while Mom said nothing, only held my hand. I gathered up what was left of my shredded heart and said it, sideways.
"......Then let me contact her just once. One last time."
"...Daehyun."
"Even so, I have to explain. I haven't told her anything yet..."
She looked at me steadily.
"I'll just make one call. That much is all right, isn't it?"
My voice shook a little as I went on. She didn't let go of my hand.
"If you contact her, will you be able to say it straight?"
"...Say what..."
"When that girl tells you she's fine."
"!"
"Will you still be able to tell her you should stop seeing each other?"
My breath caught. My lips moved. I'd thought I was prepared for at least that much. But—
Am I?
If she said it—if she really said she was fine—I knew I would want to lean on those words. Even now, deep down, that was all I wanted from her.
"......"
Mom didn't push me for an answer. I hesitated a long time, then tried once more to speak. However desperately I rationalized it, vanishing without a word wasn't right.
"But... not saying anything at all, like this..."
She shook her head, quiet. As if the more I cared for her, the more cleanly I had to end it. I had never been through anything like this. I couldn't tell which choice was the right one. The bridge of my nose began to sting. Looking pained, she brushed my bangs back.
"Later. Later, when you can handle your ability properly—when you've grown into someone bigger, and finer, than you are now—we'll think about it again then."
My vision blurred. I kept my lips pressed shut and sniffled. Without a word, she pulled me in and held me tight.
"Hk..."
Past the blur, I saw her for an instant the way she had been with the sea at her back, smiling at me. And so my first love ended, leaving nothing behind but the bitterness.