Chapter 187
Chapter 187
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Translator: Vine
Chapter: 187
Chapter Title: The Feeling Called Love
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***
By now, the night was deep.
Twilight had settled thickly, stealing the light from the land. Kalli was resting in her own mansion.
“…”
Though it was time to rest for the coming day, she was behaving strangely, her lips hesitating and her brow furrowed.
Thump. Thump…
Pacing the room as if she couldn't stand still, she found no peace. Then, she stopped and let out a heavy sigh.
“Haaah.”
Even as she roughly ran a hand through her hair, the turmoil in her heart showed no signs of abating.
*—I really, more than anyone… lo… no, I like you.*
The words Cadet Han Cheon-seong had spoken to me, even hours later, refused to leave my mind. They kept resurfacing, shaking my heart again and again.
‘What did Cadet Han Cheon-seong mean by… those words?’
Looking back, when I brought up the topic of his ‘opening,’ Cadet Han Cheon-seong’s reaction was different from what I’d expected.
He seemed pleased, even though he couldn’t have fully understood what it meant. His reaction itself was satisfying.
Although I had impulsively mentioned the opening, I didn't feel any regret.
I thought it was early, but Cadet Han Cheon-seong was worth it. I held him in such high regard that I was certain he would one day become a pillar of the Empire.
However.
“Haa…”
A deep sigh continued to escape my lips.
“This is… driving me crazy.”
I messed up my hair in frustration, but the turmoil remained. At that time, I couldn't even continue sparring properly with Cadet Han Cheon-seong and had to end our session right away.
It was an act so unlike me, and I didn't feel like I had been of any real help to him.
Seeing me frozen and unlike my usual self, Cadet Han Cheon-seong had acted with extreme caution, as if he were walking on eggshells around me.
Slowly.
I covered my face with my hands, trying to calm my mind for a moment. My heart was pounding fiercely. A searing heat coursed through my entire body… I couldn't possibly sit still.
I felt like I wasn't myself at all.
Just like last time, I was experiencing that same feeling again.
'When I'm with Cadet Han Cheon-seong…'
I would always be swept up in this strange mood. But now, I thought I finally understood the reason.
Tightly.
I bit my lip as my thoughts began to clear.
The meaning behind Cadet Han Cheon-seong’s words. I understood it now.
“But I’m an instructor…”
I couldn't believe a situation like this could actually happen.
*—I lo… no, I like you.*
Cadet Han Cheon-seong’s voice echoed in my head again. He had looked as though he couldn't hold back his feelings, expressing them with raw intensity.
‘Still, to say, “I like you.”’
Just from the way he had changed his words midway, I could tell he was trying to hide his true feelings somehow. That’s why I had an idea of what Cadet Han Cheon-seong originally intended to say.
“For ‘like’ to come after ‘lo’… it must mean…”
I could guess what he was trying to say.
Gently.
When I brought a hand to my cheek, it felt hot.
No matter how many times I mulled over the meaning of his words… there was only one conclusion I could reach.
—Cadet Han Cheon-seong has feelings for me.
Realizing that fact, I couldn't help but feel this turmoil.
I knew he wasn't saying he liked me with the proper respect a cadet should have for an instructor.
“It means he sees me as a woman.”
As I finished my sentence… my heart continued to pound. Anyone who wasn't a fool would have been able to recognize his feelings.
Perhaps I had been too slow to realize Cadet Han Cheon-seong’s heart.
Thump.
I sank onto the bed, my mind dazed.
After long deliberation and contemplation, I had reached a conclusion. Now, I had to decide how to respond to it.
How I should treat Cadet Han Cheon-seong starting tomorrow…
Slowly.
I lay down on the bed, and another deep sigh escaped me.
“Really… I’m an instructor.”
Muttering the same words again, I felt as if all the strength had drained from my body.
I thought I finally understood why I had felt so strange whenever I was with Cadet Han Cheon-seong.
…It should have been easy to figure out from the start.
Because I had been just as conscious of him.
I, too, hadn't been looking at him merely as an instructor views a cadet. I had been seeing Han Cheon-seong as a man.
Spending so much time with someone of the opposite sex, not far from my own age, my heart being shaken to the point of acting unlike myself over and over—anyone would have come to the same simple conclusion.
Why I had been so agitated…
Perhaps I had been deliberately ignoring it.
But today, with Cadet Han Cheon-seong expressing his feelings to me directly, I finally understood with certainty.
What kind of feelings I held, and why I had to feel that strange mood—all of it.
“I… like Cadet Han Cheon-seong.”
As I spoke my feelings aloud, an even greater heat rose within my body.
The belief that I knew myself well was nothing but sheer arrogance. I was only now realizing my own emotions this late.
…The feeling was so unfamiliar and different, I hadn't even tried to properly identify it.
Was I afraid of acknowledging this emotion?
And yet, my feelings were a mixture of many things.
‘I don’t… hate this feeling.’
No, in fact, there was a part of me that was a little happy.
The moment I heard him say he liked me, the shock was immense. Yet, I could feel with certainty that I didn't dislike Cadet Han Cheon-seong.
“But, I’m an instructor.”
I muttered blankly, feeling the complexity of it all.
I truly was an instructor. Right now, I was deliberately trying to force myself to acknowledge that fact.
An instructor must strictly separate public and private matters and maintain a clear line in their relationships with cadets. Therefore, the answer I had to give was already clearly set. An instructor is a presence at the academy to teach cadets, not to… date them or form a personal relationship.
“…”
I knew the answer I had to give. And yet, I was hesitating to choose it.
Thump.
I placed a hand on my chest… and tossed and turned on the bed.
Rustle.
With the soft sound of my pajamas brushing against the sheets, my gaze turned to the ceiling.
My heart, beating faster than usual, seemed to send its rhythm straight through my hand.
Thump.
Thump.
I realized that this was the first time I had ever felt the emotion called ‘love.’
…Of all times, while I was here at the academy as an instructor. I was feeling love for a cadet.
“I feel like I’m going to lose my mind.”
If I were to say this out loud, it would surely cause a huge scandal. My reputation was not insignificant; I was called a pillar of the Empire and had even been granted a title.
For someone like me… to feel love for a cadet.
Even though I knew the right answer, my reason seemed to be clouding over.
Only now did I understand why people let their emotions rule them, why they couldn't make proper judgments.
“Is this why… everyone becomes a fool?”
Such a foolish thought escaped my lips.
Back when I was a cadet, not an officer.
There were a few times I had watched cadets neglect their training after falling in love.
Back then, I had found them so pathetic, thinking them idiots who didn't even know why they were at the academy.
But now that I was experiencing love myself, it was so different.
“…I really hate this.”
I muttered candidly, feeling helpless.
I know the right answer, but my heart refuses to choose it.
But as time went on, I came to understand clearly why I had developed feelings of love for Cadet Han Cheon-seong.
The times I had cared for and treated him with special attention weren't just out of affection for a cadet, but because I had begun to see him as a man and harbor love for him…
“…”
I dazedly raised a hand through my disheveled red hair.
My pale hand, visible beneath the ceiling, was faint in the darkness.
“I…”
What should I do? If I know the answer but don't want to choose it, then what? Could I really choose something other than the right answer?
If I were to ignore all external circumstances and accept Cadet Han Cheon-seong's feelings. Would I have the confidence to move beyond our current relationship of instructor and cadet, to develop something more?
…Slowly.
As the thought crossed my mind, I found myself shaking my head without even realizing it.
I could feel it in an instant.
“If that happens, I…”
I would be the one to ruin Cadet Han Cheon-seong with my own hands.
The weight of my reputation, my title, my status as a pillar of the Empire was one thing. But beyond that, I felt I would destroy him.
Here was Cadet Han Cheon-seong, growing so brilliantly, manifesting his talent more than any other cadet. I could almost see a future where I would be the one to ruin him.
Setting aside the improper nature of a relationship between an instructor and a cadet, a sense of alarm that I would destroy his future filled my heart.
‘If I accept Cadet Han Cheon-seong’s feelings…’
Days like these would never be possible again.
That much was certain.
Gulp.
“…”
I swallowed hard and gently touched my lips.
I didn't usually touch my lips, so the heat rising to them now felt incredibly intense.
It was as if it was reminding me just how unlike myself I was being. Simply acknowledging my emotions was making it harder to control my heart.
‘So I really… like him too.’
As I felt the magnitude of my own feelings, a hollow laugh escaped me.
Just knowing that we had feelings for each other brought a small joy to my heart.
However. That alone wasn't enough to ignore all of reality.
It was dangerous for me to be with Cadet Han Cheon-seong.
“We would surely… end up craving each other immensely.”
I had only imagined accepting his feelings, but I truly believed it would happen that way.
If the boundary between us as instructor and cadet were to crumble, what would come after? We would come to desire each other.
More than anything, I didn't have the confidence to see Cadet Han Cheon-seong as an instructor anymore.
Right now, that was what I feared most.
The strange, peculiar feelings I had experienced while with him. I had desperately suppressed and tried to erase them.
Because I thought I wouldn't be able to help him properly as an instructor.
Now that I had clearly identified this emotion that I must now call 'love,' could I truly teach Cadet Han Cheon-seong properly…?
“Haaah…”
A great sigh escaped me as my thoughts deepened.
And ironically, not long after, I was able to make up my mind.
Even though there was a correct answer, my heart didn't want to choose it. The reason was that I, too, had feelings for Cadet Han Cheon-seong; because I loved him.
But beyond that.
As I considered the hypothetical of our relationship developing, my hesitation vanished, and I was able to make a decision.
It was a very simple answer.
“…Cadet Han Cheon-seong.”
As I spoke, his face seemed to shimmer before my eyes.