What Even is Masturbation?
“What even is masturbation?”
“Nah, no way.”
Even though my body had changed like this and I'd seen a woman with one of those attached, there was no way this was a real other world.
“The cosplay tech these days is pretty impressive, huh?” Medieval knight concepts were common enough, after all.
“Yeah, right.”
So, I figured the bustling square in front of me and all these people milling around it were just staff members.
Clang-!
“Eek!”
“Hey, what's with all the muttering you've been doing since earlier?”
But regardless, this person had been threatening me nonstop. Now, as she dragged me along in this iron-barred mobile cage, she was banging on the bars just because I'd muttered to myself a bit.
“Uh, um, that is…”
The problem was that I really did mutter a lot to myself, and the real problem was how my heart pounded like crazy when I got caught doing it. My head was spinning so bad I thought tears might spill out.
“…You seem like an 'outsider', so where are you from?”
Right then, she shot me a glare and suddenly struck up a conversation.
“O-outside? Like, a foreigner?” I'm Korean.
I wanted to answer honestly, but something told me she'd just say she didn't know.
…Still, maybe I should say it.
“I-I'm from Korea…”
“Korea? Where's that?”
See? We're talking in Korean, but she doesn't know Korea.
“…No idea where it is, but sounds like a big city.”
She muttered to herself with a genuinely puzzled look. Watching her, an oddly random thought popped into my head—my real reason for going on this trip: making friends. For that greater cause, maybe I could actually pull it off right now.
“Um, excuse me…”
And so, for the first time in two years, I spoke up first.
“C-can I… ask your name?”
Not the best thing to say in this situation, but she seemed to mutter to herself a lot too. So maybe she was like me, and that meant we could be friends?
“Why the hell do you care about that?”
But the result was a total disaster.
“Uh, um, eh…?”
“You don't seem to grasp your situation. Right now, you're under suspicion by us Gray Mane folks.”
Clang-!
“If it turns out you're lying to me or anything else suspicious comes up, you won't get off easy.”
“……”
“Looks like you get it now.”
…I'd finally come outside after two years, and not only did I fail to make a friend, I screwed up reading the room again.
Maybe that's why that awkward feeling from my first year of high school started bubbling up again—back when I was chattering away with classmates, just trying to get close…
'Dude talks way too much.'
'Hey, cut it out. Kid's gonna cry lol.'
And suddenly I was alone again…
“S-sorry…”
Drip-, drip-.
“I'm sorry…”
…I just wanted to make friends.
Those old memories flooded back, and like an idiot, tears started pouring out.
“W-wait, why are you crying all of a sudden?”
“Hic, sob…”
“Hey, hold on…”
Whoosh-.
“Captain, you called?”
“Stop the carriage for a bit.”
“Stop the carriage?”
“Yeah, it's still a ways to the castle, so let's give the horses a rest.”
“We're almost there, though?”
“Jeez, just stop if I say stop!”
Screech-.
“…Hey.”
“……”
“Sniff, I don't know why you're crying all of a sudden, but how about calming down a bit?”
“…Can't I even cry if I want to?”
“…No, that's not it.”
Scratch-.
“I can't just leave someone crying alone—it's the knight in me.”
“…Why?”
“That's what a knight does.”
“……”
Those old memories had me slamming my head in shame and crying, but suddenly the carriage stopped, and the same person who'd just said those sharp words was comforting me. She wasn't patting my back or anything, but she was definitely trying to accommodate my state.
“…Well, even if I weren't a knight, it seems like there's some misunderstanding.”
She continued awkwardly.
“What I said earlier wasn't because you were babbling pointlessly. I was literally just asking why you wanted to know.”
“Then…”
“…Ellie.”
“Huh?”
“Ellie Roais. My name.”
“Y-your name?”
“Wasn't that what you were curious about?”
The knight named Ellie pulled a small bead from her pocket and handed it to me.
“This is…”
“…It's usually a snack for patrols, but take it and stay quiet till we get there.”
What she'd given me wasn't a bead—it was candy.
“Why give me this…”
“I answered your question, shared my snack—consider the misunderstanding cleared. I hate that kinda stuff.”
She grabbed my hesitating hand in front of the candy and shoved it into my palm. Then she returned to her spot up front and ordered the carriage to move again.
Grab-!
“Wh-what?”
I ended up grabbing her hand.
“Y-you're actually a kind person…! I-I was scared earlier and thought friendship was hopeless, but giving me candy too…”
It's totally that, right? Like on the first day of school when someone shares candy.
“It means 'let's get along,' right??”
“Wh-what…”
Smack-!
“You and that other guy, treating me like a joke?”
“Eh.”
“Friends? Don't make me laugh.”
She suddenly got mad and snatched the candy back.
“Candy confiscated.”
Munch-.
“Behave till we arrive.”
“…But it was already in my mouth.”
Pfft-!
“Wh-why'd you take it out after putting it in your mouth?”
“It was my first gift ever, so I wanted to savor it…”
Before I knew it, the scenery around us had changed as I chatted with Ellie—my first friend (not yet, but soon to be a true one).
Screech-.
Sure enough, the carriage stopped at its destination, and the door to my iron-barred cage began to open.
“Get out.”
As soon as the bars opened, she drew her sword and demanded I step down.
“I wanted to talk more.”
“…Pull yourself together from here on.”
Shing-.
“I've been indulging you with a knight's leniency so far, but if you don't get your head straight now, it could get dangerous.”
“Th-then, after this investigation thing, can I see you again, Ellie?”
“No idea. Managing suspects like you is my domain, but the actual judgment's handled by someone else.”
In other words, any reunion would have to wait until I was cleared as non-suspicious, she said.
“If you get it, go on already.”
“O-okay…”
…Whoa, a real castle.
Right in front of where the carriage had stopped was a grand castle straight out of a novel illustration. It made my earlier denial that this was another world feel ridiculous. Unreal as it was, it hit home just where I was.
“…Why aren't you getting down?”
Anyway, to do anything, I had to get through this investigation first. So I wanted to hop down like Ellie said, but…
“I-it's too high…”
Like I said, the drop to the ground was too far, and my legs were shaking. I'd always had a fear of heights, but with my shrunken size, even this was enough to make me tremble.
“Haa, really…”
Whoosh-.
“I'll catch you—hurry down.”
Seeing me like this, Ellie extended her hand. As expected, tough exterior or not, she was potentially my warm-hearted future friend.
“Th-thanks…”
Slip-.
The moment I tried to step down, my fingers slipped, and I lost my grip on Ellie's hand.
“Whoa…!”
Naturally, my body pitched forward, the hard ground rushing up to smash my face with less than 5 cm to spare.
Thud-.
“Phew, that was close…”
But just for a moment—I'd grabbed Ellie's arm and avoided falling. I'd snatched it in surprise, but my body was safe.
“You…”
“S-sorry! I almost fell…”
Looking at her face, Ellie seemed startled too. No wonder—I'd grabbed her arm out of nowhere…
“……”
…But why does her arm feel like it's getting bigger? Maybe it was my imagination, but it felt kinda… wriggling.
“…What exactly are you grabbing right now?”
“Huh?”
When I looked down at that weird sensation, that's when I realized it wasn't her arm I'd grabbed.
“Hiiik!!”
By then, it was too late—I yanked my hand away like I'd touched something burning.
Of course. What I'd grabbed right before falling wasn't Ellie's arm, but…
“S-s-s-s-sorry…!”
…her big, sturdy thing.
“…Nah, no need to apologize that much. Happens when you're falling—you grab the dick instead of the arm sometimes.”
…Is this really no big deal?
“You're the one overreacting just from grabbing a dick.”
Ellie kept reassuring me it was fine as I bowed repeatedly. I had no idea what kind of worldview this world had, but apparently grabbing a dick out of the blue was totally okay here.
What the heck is this place?
“Anyway, time for your investigation… ngh…!”
Right then, Ellie let out a weird noise and started crossing her legs uncomfortably.
“Wh-what's wrong…?”
“S-sudden ascension…”
“Ascension?”
The reason? Her… no, her dick had ascended.
“Wh-why all of a sudden…”
“…Dunno. Ascension just happens without reason.”
“But this time… it feels like it's your fault…”
“M-my fault?”
Ellie blamed me for the ascension, but I had no choice but to accept it. Separate from not knowing about erections, I'd just accidentally touched it without thinking.
'And she hasn't been wearing anything under there since earlier…'
…But seriously, how do you have something like that and not know about erections? Or even why they happen? That's definitely weird.
…Anyway.
If this was a culture where casually flashing something like that was normal…
“If it's really uncomfortable, couldn't you just… relieve it?”
“Relieve?”
“You know, masturbate.”
“Masturbate?”
At that moment, she gave me the same puzzled look as before and asked right back.
“…What even is masturbation?”