Welcome to Voluntary Enlistment

I was tired. So, so tired.

I couldn't have said why, but my whole body felt wrung out. Being tired, though, wasn't what mattered.

It was hot. Unbearably, blisteringly hot.

"Gyaaah!! It's so hot!!"

The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was the sun.

"Gyaaah!! My eyes?!!"

I clapped my hands over my face and curled into a ball.

"What? Is she awake?!"

A voice I'd never heard before.

"W-what?!"

"Jack!! The kid's up!!"

A white man's face swam into view. No tattoos. No scars.

"You okay?"

"Kid looks pretty shaken."

"Ah. We're not bad people."

"If pirates aren't bad people, then who is?"

"Shut up, Coulson."

They laughed and needled each other like a pair of old friends. I looked myself over. Same ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠small, slight body as before, and my clothes were still in one piece. A bandage was wrapped around my right arm. The arm still wouldn't move.

"We found you collapsed and pulled you out."

"You're grateful, right? Go on, say thank you."

"Th-thank you."

I looked around. Nothing but ocean in every direction. The most despairing part of all: I was sitting in a rubber boat.

"How many days have I been out?"

"Two days?"

Now that he mentioned it, I was starving.

Grrrk—!!

"Looks like you're hungry. Here, eat this."

The red-haired middle-aged man they'd called Coulson handed me a fish. I'd never seen the species before in my life, but I wolfed it down in a few bites. Juicy, and so fresh it almost wriggled.

"Good, right? Just caught it."

"It's tasty."

I took whatever fish they passed me and kept eating.

"Thirsty too, yeah? Wanna drink this?"

My throat was a desert, so I took the yellow drink Coulson offered and knocked it back. It was pretty bitter. Cassia-seed tea, maybe?

"Ah. For the record, that's beer."

"Ahhh~ no wonder it tasted good~"

"Coulson! You lunatic!! You can't give beer to a kid!!"

"There's nothing else to drink!!"

"Whoa, whoa~ I'm fine. I like beer."

The one named Jack snatched the beer out of my hands and replaced it with something dark.

"It's cola. Better than beer, right?"

I wrapped both hands around it and drank.

I had a rough picture of what had happened. After I'd used Bombardment and passed out, these two had fished me out of the water. So righteous pirates like the ones in One Piece really did exist.

We talked, bobbing along in the rubber boat.

"So, kid, why'd you get captured?"

"I'm not a kid, I'm the Captain!! I got caught resisting on my own ship!!"

"Captain? You're saying you're a captain?"

"Isn't that obvious? Look at my hat!!"

"Oh. That's a navy cap, isn't it? So you're a Navy Captain, then?"

Anyway, I've been rescued. Time to go home…

That was the thought in my head when a blue window bloomed in front of my eyes.

Huh?

No, I just want to live peacefully? I tried the pirate-captain bit once and got a hole punched through my arm and almost got fucked to death by a guy?

Ah.

Yes, sir. Understood.

Fine. I'll give it a shot!!

"Ha. So how are we supposed to live now?"

"We're traitors among pirates, and Interpol's got warrants out on us…"

I reached for my hat… it was gone?

"Hey, misters. I've got a good idea."

"Hm?"

"Yeah?"

One of the few things I knew about pirates was that even they had places to settle. Every movie and anime I'd ever watched had a Pirate Island in it. And Pirate Island would be stuffed with ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠entertainment, and ships.

"So you're saying we go to Pirate Island?"

"Yep! Yep!"

"Steal a ship there and start a new life?"

"Obviously."

"Are you stupid?"

Huh? Was that not a good idea? Why was I the stupid one?

"Do you even know where we are?"

"The middle of the ocean."

"And do you know where Pirate Island is?"

"Nope! That's what you guys are for, right?"

"Aigoo… just grow up healthy, will you."

"I am healthy! Except for the arm!"

Aren't you two the stupid ones? You just open a maps app and it's right there.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket.

"Are you guys dumb? You can just search it on a phone."

Who am I? A Starlink owner, that's who~

The second I brought the phone out, both men's eyes went round as saucers.

"Y-you had a phone?"

"You guys don't?"

"Nah. Phones get confiscated on pirate ships."

Phones will be allowed on my pirate ship, then.

"T-then we should contact—"

"Who?"

"Interpol? 911?"

Nope. Absolutely not!! I'll die!!

"You two are Wales Pirates, right?"

"We are… yeah? Why?"

I typed Wales Pirates sentencing into my phone.

"Wow, you guys must've done a lot of bad stuff, huh."

"Ah, hell."

"Fuck."

"So! Come live a new life with me!? Yeah?"

My thumbs flew across the screen.

We were on a rubber boat now, sure, but this was a chance to become founding members of a company that might one day own an aircraft carrier.

"Perfect, right? Hurry up and join!?"

Jack and Coulson, however, looked extremely conflicted. If it were me, I'd have signed on the spot.

"I-it's just, we left because we didn't want to be pirates anymore. Going back to it is a bit…"

"No, no, no. What you guys actually hated was a lolicon captain and a crew that was obsessed with women, right?"

If that weren't true, these two never would have saved me. They hadn't even known I had a phone, which meant they hadn't gone rummaging through my clothes either.

"We can do it differently, can't we? Pirates like family!!"

A captain who was even a transgender—not really—perfectly in line with modern PC values!!

"W-well, that's true, but…"

"Jack. I'm in."

"Coulson?"

"Even if we turn ourselves in like this, it's the death penalty or rotting in a cell for the rest of our lives."

"Exactly!!"

"Why'd we leave our families in the first place? It was for the money, wasn't it?"

"…"

"Our hands are already dirty."

I could see Jack wrestling with it. Then Coulson held his hand out to me.

"Looking forward to working with you, little boss."

I took it.

"Excellent, crewman!"

Jack held his hand out too.

"Ah, screw it. Let's give it a shot. Pleasure working with you, Captain."

"Mmkay!!"

I grabbed both of their hands at once.

One day, people would call this the dawn of ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠the Great Pirate Era.

We took up the oars. Fortunately, Coulson knew where Pirate Island was, and I had a phone, so we could navigate by the screen. We rowed in shifts all day long. Pirate Island turned out to be ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠closer than any of us had expected, but it still ate up a full day to get there.

"Uuugh, I'm wiped."

Jack piggybacked me onto Pirate Island. My first impression of the place:

It looked like Seoul.

Hotels everywhere. Buildings stacked high into the sky. Casinos lining the streets, and more bars than there were fried-chicken joints back home.

All we had to do now was resupply and steal a ship.

Together, we walked into a building with a sign out front.

The inside was… something else. Pink lighting washed over everything, and the place was packed with men.

"Popular shop?"

"Seems that way, Captain."

For the record, I had never told them to speak formally. They'd insisted a captain's authority wouldn't stick if they didn't, so I'd graciously allowed it.

The men coming out of the equipment rooms mostly wore deeply satisfied looks. Just how good was the gear in here?

I slid down from Jack's back and used my small body to cut the line, slipping inside.

And the sight that greeted me was…

Yeah. This was the moment I realized the place was a brothel.

A woman with a chest that could only be described as aggressively overflowing walked up to me.

"Little miss? What are you doing here? Looking for your daddy?"

"W-why is this place named like that?"

"Hm? Ah. You don't know, do you?"

I didn't know why it was called Ship Outfitters, and I really didn't know why anyone would run a brothel under that name.

"Do you know the three things a ship needs?"

The three things a ship needs? Captain, food, and crew, right?

"Captain, food, and crew, isn't it?"

"Must be because you're a little miss. Not quite."

Without a captain, a ship doesn't run. Without food, people die. Without crew, you can't even call it a ship. And that wasn't the answer?

"The answer is women, booze, and crew."

Excuse me?

Booze I could more or less follow. Women?

"Without women… it's truly dreadful, you know~ So most of them rent girls from a brothel."

"…"

"When our little miss grows up, I think you'd do wonderfully at our shop. Well, you could work now, too. Need money? Call me?"

She fished a business card out of her cleavage, kissed it, and handed it over. I stuffed it in my pocket and walked out. Honestly, I did briefly consider kissing the card myself. Decided that wasn't it.

"Crew… we're leaving."

"Pardon? Captain? We haven't even bought weapons yet."

"You don't need to know."

"Ack!! Jack, this place is a brothel!!"

"What?!"

I left my two stunned crewmen behind, walked outside, and dropped onto a bench.

"Haa."

I bought a cola from the vending machine beside the bench, drank it, and opened the community forums. I was going to drown this shitty feeling in posts.

What the hell??

The United States was going to save me?

Is this for real?