Goblin Slayer

I watched, every muscle drawn tight. But what ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠came rustling out of the brush was—

"Gora, gora!"

A water deer. Wait. Did water deer even sound like that? Was this another setting change?

"Kyaaaaah! Kyaak!"

Yeah. That was more like it. That's how a water deer ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠was supposed to scream.

The thing scanned the clearing, then bolted off somewhere else entirely.

A sigh leaked out of me on its own.

Goddammit. It was just a water deer. Fucking water deer.

Still, the scare bought me enough breathing room to actually think.

Anyway, if goblins are showing up at the tribal level, something's definitely going on. Goblins don't go on expeditions if they can help it. They'd rather dig a hole or throw up a camp and hunker down wherever they already are.

Not that I didn't know how to hunt them. Monster lore was more or less the same between the game and the original novel.

"And how wilt thou fight them? A single goblin tribe numbers in the dozens, I am told."

"Goblins are thinking creatures, in the end. Cut off the heads and the rest scatter on their own."

"Is that not the difficult part? By what means?"

"First… does Your Divinity know how hunters actually hunt?"

I asked it carefully. Isis answered without missing a beat. And hearing her like this — damn, the goddess had a hell of a voice. Like some sultry, husky veteran voice actress leaning into the mic.

"Thou intendest to set traps, then?"

"Exactly. Unless they're a chieftain or a craftsman-class, goblins are stupid and weak. I'm going to use that."

I took a look around. Among the things wandering nearby were squirrels and chipmunks about the size of a puppy.

Those weren't animals. They were monsters. The weakest of the weak, even among F-ranks, but still.

Carnivorous squirrels and carnivorous chipmunks. I'm going to need those. So…

I picked a decent spot and started digging with both hands. I carved out a pit deep enough to swallow me to the waist, climbed out, then hauled river water over in my canteen and filled the hole about a third of the way.

Slaaash. Slither.

Isis sounded genuinely curious about what I was doing.

"What is it thou art attempting?"

"Goblins aren't the only stupid things out here. Just watch."

The fun part was about to start. I finished pouring, then tucked myself into a decent hiding spot and waited.

Before long, the carnivorous squirrels and chipmunks started gathering, one by one.

This was it.

Pat-pat. Splash! Ta-ta-tak. Splash!

They started jumping in, one after another.

A little time passed, and then the welcome notifications began rolling in, one after another.

Those things were monsters too, in the end. The points were small, but they stacked up nice and steady.

Hell yes. This was going to feel great when I dumped it into my stats.

I figured Isis would be wondering, so I explained.

"Carnivorous squirrels and chipmunks are idiots. They kept the exact same instincts as regular squirrels and chipmunks."

"Ah. Now that thou mentionest it — I have heard they sometimes fall into standing water while trying to drink, and drown."

"You nailed it. That's exactly what I was counting on. And their corpses are going to make excellent bait."

Watching the plan click into place exactly the way I'd pictured it felt too good. So this was why the scheming villains in movies and web novels were always grinning. My mouth kept trying to twitch up at the corners. I could barely hold it down.

I stood up at last. When I went over to look, more than ten of them were floating face-up, drowned.

This is why they're F-rank monsters — the weakest of the weakest. They're a pain if you bump into them out in the field, but with a trick like this they're complete trash.

That settled my nerves. So even in the original novel, this mechanic hadn't gone anywhere.

Hah. That's a relief.

I fished the corpses out one by one and posed them as naturally as I could. Then I set the smashed-face gnolls' armor and tools down close to my own position, and arranged two or three bodies near each pile.

Spread thin, across as many spots as I could manage. Close enough that they all sat inside my line of sight, far enough that goblins at one pile couldn't interfere with another.

And then I waited.

From here on out, it's a battle of patience.

I drew my sword and evened out my breathing. My first real fight against a monster. I'd already gone up against the necro-slime, but that had been fighting a human in all but name.

This, maybe, was the real game.

I waited until I was just about bored out of my skull. Then a pair of goblins on patrol came into view, working in a two-man team. They spotted the squirrels and stopped.

"Ooh, food! Food!"

"But why here? Suspicious!"

One of them swept the area with its eyes.

Not bad. This one's actually using its head.

The goblin studied the surroundings with real care. There was no bait anywhere else. It seemed to register that too — and then its cheekbones twitched.

"Hehe, gnolls must've left it! Nice gnolls!"

"Gnolls stupid, weak! Eat!"

Yeah. That's more like it, you morons.

I rose slowly, watching the goblins lose themselves in the bait, and closed the distance with my footsteps killed as far as they would go.

"Nom nom, so tasty!"

"Hehehe. Uhehehehehehe!"

Crunch. Chop-chop. Crack!

The sound of skin being peeled, meat being chewed — and under it, the sound of bone being cracked and eaten the way a hyena would. Goblins couldn't chew through human bone, but the bones of something like a carnivorous squirrel they managed just fine.

Monsters, after all.

I closed to where I could have reached out and touched them. Then I drove my sword in a single thrust. The first one.

"Gyaak!"

"What the—?!"

In the same breath I swept the blade through the other one's chest. A clean, satisfying cut traveled up my arms.

I'd only managed it this cleanly because I'd ambushed them. In a straight fight I would've had a rough time. My stats were still garbage, after all.

Fssshhh!

The goblins I'd killed dissolved into light and vanished. The Dawn Guardian's passive effect kicking in.

Whoa. Corpses turning into light and disappearing. That's actually badass.

Saves me the trouble of cleaning up, too. Nice.

"Thou fightest well, my Apostle. Truly a famed blade is a famed blade! Like the very sun!"

"This is only the start. I want to grow it as fast as I can."

I was curious what other abilities it might unlock. Maybe something that fired like a beam? Heh.

I settled in to wait again. While I did, I allocated my stats.

What I need right now is Strength. One point into Strength first.

I was sitting on seventy thousand points — all of it hoarded, none of it spent.

My Strength ticked from 14 to 15, a hundred points gone. At the same time my level, which had been sitting at 0, became 1.

Strength again.

Two hundred points drained away this time, and I hit level 2.

That was how the level-up system in Asgard Chronicles worked. I kept going like that until I was sitting at 15.

I thought about pushing them higher, then left it. I still had something I wanted to tell the goddess later.

Come to think of it — World Influence? What the hell was that? A concept even I didn't know had just shown up.

Huh? What kind of jackpot was this?

My Force Heart went up just from leveling a bit? I was Runner Mid now?

Wait. Is this bloodline privilege?

From the original Lashu's memories, something my mother used to say all the time floated up.

Huh. Back on Earth I was a dirt-poor slob staring down military enlistment, and here I was a bloodline-cheating, plot-conveniently-handsome shota?

A snort of laughter escaped me. This was going to be a hell of a lot of fun.

I kept taking goblins apart the same way as before. I needed to thin their numbers a little, just in case.

After I'd killed about ten more, I deliberately left one alive.

The pinned goblin shook like a leaf, tears running down its face.

"H-human! Scary! Spare me!"

"Don't act."

"Not acting! I weak!"

"And the second I let my guard down or turn my back, you'll cave my skull in with a rock. Do I look that stupid to you? You piece of shit?"

One of the most common ways beginners died in Asgard Chronicles was goblins. Goblins put on a performance when they were about to die. Plenty of new players bought it, turned around, and ate a backstab for their trouble.

I'd fallen for it once myself. Wrote the whole damn thing in my diary that night. I'd been furious.

I shifted into a stance that said I was about to swing, and the goblin made a dying noise.

"Please spare me, hiiik!"

Then something seemed to occur to it. It pointed at me, its face gone deadly serious.

"Strong, and short too… our kin, yes? Half-goblin?!"

"The fuck? You want me to cripple one of your legs and we can have ourselves a mixer, you piece of shit?"

Fucking hell. Of all the things it could have called me, a half-goblin? Kin?

Oh, this one was dying. I'd been planning to kill it anyway, but still. The goblin started rubbing its hands together, begging with both palms.

"Sorry, sooorry!"

"I'll let you calling me short slide. That's just a fact."

The goblin looked up at me, startled. I kicked it in the chest with everything I had.

Thwack!

"But I will not stand being mocked as a short little shit!"

"Kehek! What are you even saying…?!"

Isis started laughing. God, this body of mine, I swear. Anyway. Time to do what I came to do.

I tossed it one of the intact pieces of bait.

"Eat up. Truth is, I want to be friends with you."

"Friends? Lie!"

"It's true. If I was going to kill you, I'd have done it already. Right?"

"Uh, uhh…?"

"I don't actually have any friends. I'm really lonely. That's why I did all this — I wanted to get close to you. See? I'm even giving you a squirrel."

Complete, unhinged nonsense. But the goblin stopped shaking long enough to manage a shaky smile.

It was buying this? This thing needed to be drawn and quartered.

"You, human, good human!"

"That's right, pal. Eat as much as you want."

"Thank you, om-nom. Tasty!"

Look at it go. All right then — time to break out the diplomat-grade silver tongue.

Not that I really needed to. I clapped the goblin on the shoulder.

"Patrol's hard, huh? You get pushed around? The females pretty?"

"Tch. ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠I strong. But chieftain and his pack jealous of me, bully me!"

"Yeah. I had that too. It was exhausting, and it wasn't fair."

"Then how you get strong?"

"You get stronger if you have sex with a human woman."

I tossed the bullshit out casually, and the goblin's eyes blew wide. Its pupils shook like they were about to roll back into its skull.

"H-human woman? Finest of all females! I like too, human woman!"

"Then do me one favor, friend."

"Ooh, what?!"

"I'll go chew out your chieftain and your shaman for you. Is there a way to meet just those two without anyone knowing?"

I needed a back road. That was the whole strategy.

I wasn't some overpowered isekai munchkin. I couldn't just walk in alone and wipe an entire goblin tribe. Higher stats wouldn't have made that possible. A higher level wouldn't have either.

But slipping in and taking only the heads? That I could do. I'd cleared more than a few early key quests exactly like this.

"I know way."

"Then tell me. I'll even introduce you to a human woman."

"Haaah?! Really?!"

"We're friends, aren't we? Friends keep their promises. I'll introduce you to a woman and send you somewhere nice."

However the goblin parsed that, it already had a hard-on.

Ugh. Disgusting. I wanted to cut the thing off.

"Okay. I tell you! We friends!"

"Friends!"

The goblin gave me the location. Apparently that wasn't enough, because it drew me a map to go with it.

Damn. That's service. Better than those telecom companies back home that treat you like a king until you sign, then ice you out like a girl who's just keeping you on the hook.

"I really appreciate it, friend."

"Hehe. When you introduce woman?"

"Goddess?"

I called for Isis. She let herself appear for a moment. The goblin's cock twitched at the sight of her.

"Ooh, a woman! Female, female smell!"

Shhk!

I took its head off on the spot. Isis sighed and asked,

"Didst thou summon me forth merely to deceive the eyes of this vulgar creature?"

"Of course not. I wanted to show him the most beautiful thing in the world before he died. That's the Lashu Funeral Service guarantee."

"Didst thou not say thou wouldst send him somewhere nice?"

"I did, didn't I?"

Isis laughed at that. She looked down at the vanishing goblin corpse and I went on.

"All right. Let's move. A goblin tribe falls apart the moment you kill the chieftain and the shaman. That's what I'm aiming for."

"Hoh. Truly thou art sharp of mind."

"Let's go put an end to this."

"Fufu. That is why thou art my hero."

I had no interest in wasting any more time on this. As I left, a new title appeared.

Beating the crap out of goblins was about to get even easier. And a stat bonus on top of that.

A quest followed right on its heels.

That's right. This is only the beginning.

I put on an exaggerated grin and started walking. Chieftain. Shaman. Just you wait.