The Hearts of Children
The dining room fell briefly into silence.
It’s poop! It’s poop! It’s poop!
Reni’s shout seemed to keep echoing in the air.
Fortunately I was the first to snap out of it. I wrapped my hands around Reni’s shoulders and said,
“Reni, no matter how angry you are, you mustn’t say things like that to your hyung.”
At the slightly stern edge in my voice, Reni flinched and trembled. Big tears quickly welled up in his wide eyes.
“But, but! Hyung started it first……”
“I know. So Tony is going to apologize to you, and you’re going to apologize to Tony hyung too.”
But Tony simply stood up from his seat and walked straight outside. Sister Marisa gave him a pitying smile and followed after the boy.
Reni looked ready to burst into tears again any second. It wasn’t so much because of Tony; the shock of hearing me speak sternly to him for the first time seemed to have hit him hard.
“Daddy, do you hate me?”
“Of course not. Never. Daddy loves Reni so much.”
I pulled the sniffling child into a tight hug as I spoke. Only then did he let out a little hiccuping sob and bury his face against my side. I patted his back and said,
“Reni. When you say mean words, the sharp little thorns of those mean words poke right into your own heart. That would hurt a lot, wouldn’t it? Daddy doesn’t want Reni’s heart to get hurt. So let’s not say mean words.”
In a muffled little voice Reni answered, “Okay.”
“That’s my good boy.”
I stroked his hair, then scooped both him and Jennyfer—who had been sitting quietly the whole time—into my arms and carried them over to the living room, settling them on the soft sofa. After that I wheeled over the stroller where Luca was still sound asleep and parked it right beside the sofa.
“Can you two wait here just a little while? Daddy’s going to go talk with Tony hyung for a bit. If Luca wakes up and starts crying, come tell me right away.”
“Yes!”
“……Okay.”
Jennyfer answered briskly; Reni’s reply was more reluctant.
Thinking I would need to talk with him again later, I stepped outside the building. Sister Marisa was gently stroking Tony’s back; we exchanged a look, and I sat down beside him.
“The children are all in the living room.”
Sister Marisa gave a small nod and went back inside.
Tony had drawn his knees up and buried his face in his arms. I called his name softly.
“Tony.”
“Jennyfer’s mom told her she’d come pick her up after Jennyfer slept a hundred nights.”
“……Ah, is that so.”
“But that’s a lie, right? She’s not really going to come. That’s why I told her.”
The words poured out of him as if he had been waiting for the chance. I offered no argument; I simply listened.
“Grown-ups always lie. They say they’ll come when they won’t, they say they won’t fight and then they fight every day……”
“……”
“……My mom and dad said that too. That once things got better they’d come back for me.”
“……”
“But I know they’re not coming. Mom was packing bags in secret so she could go far, far away.”
I patted the back of the child who already seemed to understand everything. I knew any hasty words of comfort would only become another wound.
“I hate them. All of them.”
With that, Tony broke into full, loud sobs.
From an age when a child barely even understands what it means to trust someone, he had trusted his parents with his whole body and heart. And one day he had been forced to accept that they had abandoned him.
“Hwaaaah……”
No words could comfort him. A careless “It’ll be okay” would only turn into one more lie. The children who came here probably shed more than half the tears of their entire lives in this place, and they grew up far too soon because of it. All I could do was stay beside him, so I kept rubbing his back.
After a long while of crying, the boy rubbed his reddened eyes and lifted his head.
“Still…… I hope Mom is happy.”
“……You do?”
“Yeah…… When we were together she cried every day, so even if it’s just her by herself, I want her to be happy.”
“Tony really loves his mom, doesn’t he?”
He nodded and added,
“I’m going to grow up fast.”
Tony’s words suddenly jumped tracks. He must have believed that becoming an adult was the only way to solve everything happening around him. Considering how the grown-ups in his life had completely upended his world, it wasn’t an unreasonable belief. But still……
“You don’t have to, Tony. You can grow up slowly.”
The bigger you get, the more you realize that even being this big still doesn’t fix anything—and that only makes it harder.
“But I’m still little! I can’t do anything!”
“Tony. Even when you become a grown-up, you still can’t control other people’s hearts however you want.”
“……You can’t?”
Sniffling with his flushed eyes, the boy asked as if even the last bit of strength had drained out of him.
“That’s right. The only heart I can control is my own.”
“……”
“That’s why it means so much when someone else decides to like me.”
I kept gently patting the back of the child who was still catching his breath in uneven little gasps.
“Tony. From now on Reni and Jennyfer are going to be your new friends and family. You’ll eat together, play together, study together, and sleep under the same roof.”
“……”
“If you keep the feelings you have toward them nice and kind, I think Reni and Jennyfer will look at you kindly too.”
“……Maybe they won’t.”
“You’re right. That could happen.”
When I agreed so lightly, Tony looked up at me with a sulky face. I smiled a little and ruffled his brown hair.
“But you still have to try. You’re the hyung, the big brother.”
“That’s not fair. We’re only two years apart.”
“Oh dear, you don’t know? Six-year-olds know a whole lot more than four-year-olds.”
Tony answered right away.
“I know that. Reni and Jennyfer can only count to twenty.”
“Right. But Tony can count to a hundred, can’t he?”
“I can count to two hundred.”
I smoothed the hair I had mussed and gave him praise.
“Really? Tony really is super smart.”
“……Sister said once I go to school I’ll be able to count even more.”
“That’s true. Once you start school, I bet Tony will be able to count all the way to nine hundred ninety-nine.”
The number nine hundred ninety-nine seemed to impress him; Tony made a small sound of awe. I smiled and continued.
“Besides that, there are so many things Tony will get to learn and so many things he’ll be able to do.”
“……Yes.”
“And if Tony stays good friends with his own heart, he’ll be able to do all of it even better and happier.”
“……That’s not a lie, right?”
“Mm. This is something nobody can lie about. Your heart is always yours.”
I learned that far too late; I hope you never do. Stroking the boy’s slightly flushed cheeks, I prayed it silently in my heart.
When the calmed child and I came back inside, the kids were chatting quietly with Sister Marisa. I put a hand on Tony’s slightly shy, hesitant shoulder and said,
“All right. Now let’s apologize to each other and have fun playing together from now on.”
Tony stepped forward with a face that was now pink for an entirely different reason. But Jennyfer was faster.
“Oppa. You were wrong first, but I’ll forgive you.”
“Huh? Uh, sorry……”
Jennyfer crossed her arms primly and smiled. What a bold little lady she was.
Next Reni stepped forward. In a small but clear voice he said,
“Hyung, you’re not poop……”
Tony nodded with a slightly awkward expression.
“Yeah. I’m sorry I called the slime doll poop……”
Reni smiled a little and nodded.
“I knew it! Hyung wants a slime doll too, right?”
“Ah, no……”
Tony looked helplessly at Sister Marisa, then at me. I couldn’t help bursting into laughter. Sitting down beside Reni—who seemed to genuinely believe that every person in the world loved slime dolls—I calmly explained.
“Reni, not everyone likes slimes.”
“……”
The child opened his eyes wide as if struck by lightning.
“Aigoo, did our Reni get a big surprise?”
“……Yeah. How can that be? Slimes are soft and squishy and sparkly.”
“I think maybe Tony hyung likes soft and fluffy things more than soft and sparkly things.”
Looking thoroughly wronged, Reni pressed the doll and mumbled in a fading voice,
“But it is soft and fluffy……”
“Why don’t we just ask Tony hyung what kind of doll he likes?”
“Hyung, what slime do you like?”
I leaned in and whispered into Reni’s ear.
“You have to ask what kind of doll hyung likes.”
“Oh. That.”
At Reni’s question Tony seemed to fall into deep thought. After a long moment the boy’s eyes lit up.
“I like the penguins that live in the North Pole.”
Penguins live in the South Pole, actually……
I was still debating whether I should correct him right then when the children were already gathered around looking at the penguin Tony had drawn in his sketchbook.
“Oppa, this penguin is doing banzai.”
“Yeah, it’s a baby penguin doing banzai.”
“Why is it doing banzai?”
“I know! Because it got first place?”
“First place in what?”
“Dunno? Swimming?”
“I can swim too.”
“Then let’s draw a crown on it too.”
“Okay.”
Before I knew it they were sitting together like a little flock of chicks, peeping and chattering away, and I would have loved to leave them just like that—but it was time to head home. I caught Sister Marisa’s eye and signaled that we needed to go. She clapped her hands twice.
“All right, Reni will come back again on Saturday. Jennyfer and Tony, let’s go study with the sisters now.”
“Yes!”
“Yes.”
The two children went out first after Sister Marisa. Jennyfer skipped along holding the sister’s hand; Tony followed them, glanced back once, and waved at me one more time. I smiled gently and waved back.
Next time I come, I should make him a penguin doll at least.
After checking that Luca was still fast asleep with his little mouth slightly open, I took Reni’s hand, stepped outside, and sat down on a bench. I opened the app to call a taxi and was checking the remaining time when Reni suddenly grabbed my hand.
“Daddy.”
“Hm?”
“Are you everybody’s daddy?”
“Huh?”
“Earlier, why did you only go outside and talk with Tony hyung?”
……Oh no.
“You’re our daddy, so why did you only talk with hyung?”
I slipped my phone into my pocket and sat up straight. Every single word needed care. Unlike Luca, Reni didn’t explode with complaints on the spot. He had waited patiently until now; in exchange he demanded a proper explanation.
Making something up would feel like deceiving him, so I decided to just be honest. I told him that Tony had gone through the hard process of being separated from his parents and had come to live here because of it. That he was having a really hard time right now, and that children who are hurting need grown-ups to stay close to them.
“……Okay.”
Reni listened quietly, then gave a small nod.
“But I am only Luca and Reni’s daddy. You don’t have to worry.”
“……Really?”
“Of course. So just the three of us are going home. And later, just the three of us are going to take a picture to put in Daddy’s book.”
Only then did a little smile return to Reni’s face; he kept lifting and dropping his small hands. Then, as if a new thought had struck him, he asked,
“Then does Tony hyung not have a mom or a dad?”
“Well. They seem to be far away right now. It’s the same for Jennyfer, right?”
“……Yeah. I see.”
Until now he hadn’t had the chance to wonder, but he finally seemed to understand that the other two children were in a different situation from himself.
“……What do we do? Then are hyung and Jennyfer sad?”
I pulled the kind, confused child into another hug.
“I don’t know. But your friends’ sadness is something Reni can’t fix by himself.”
“Mmm……”
“Still, if you’re worried, maybe next time we see them we can just play really hard together? If you’re having fun playing and studying, there won’t be any room left to feel sad.”
“……Okay.”
I leaned in and whispered into Reni’s ear like I was sharing a secret.
“And next time we come, let’s make a banzai penguin doll. Then Tony hyung will be so happy.”
The pure, good-hearted child’s face lit up all at once.
“Okay!”