The Narcissist and the Mesugaki
"Ooh, Master, you're on fire. Can't I take the wheel for a spin too?"
"Not happening, Tirga. Only the chosen one gets to drive this thing."
Tirga kept pestering me, insisting she wanted a turn, but I shut her down cold. Judging by the way she carried herself, anyone riding shotgun while she drove wouldn't live to see another sunrise. Still, I had to wonder—could anyone besides me actually control my summons?
"Boss, didn't we just run someone over…?"
"Relax, Lati. A monster or a bandit brat—same difference. That wasn't a person. Just another worthless monster."
This was another world. No pedestrian right-of-way, no criminal rights. Which meant I could flatten some parentless thief trying to pick pockets and nobody would bat an eye. What a fantastic world. No wonder everyone wanted to come to a fantasy realm. I should summon Tiger and the angels later and actually try it out.
Ground vehicles were a hassle—random idiots kept getting in the way—but the fuel efficiency was way better, so I had to live with it. Driving like I was in a game, wild and reckless, we eventually reached our destination. Tirga was having the time of her life, Lati looked like her soul had left her body, and the driver was clearly unhinged. Honestly, everyone thinks it while driving: I want to ram that reckless bastard right now. And being able to actually do it? Exhilarating.
"Master, did you see the look on that guy's face when he went flying?"
"Nope, missed it."
"Ugh, Boss, my butt hurts…"
"Sorry, Lati. I'll make it up to you tonight with a nice rub."
Lati's face turned bright red. Whoa, easy there in broad daylight. Calm down, my penis. I dismissed the vehicle and strolled toward the dungeon entrance like we'd just walked the whole way.
Near the dungeon was a campsite the adventurers had set up. The Hureyu party was probably holed up there. According to the receptionist, dangerous monsters swarmed the area, so small-fry adventurers couldn't even get close. We'd been smashing both bandits and monsters with the car the whole trip, so we hadn't really felt the danger.
"Master, this seatbelt thing is crushing my chest. Can you massage it for me?"
"Later. Listen up—we're going to play at being adventurers. I'm a mage who uses lightning magic, and Tirga's a ridiculously strong warrior. Lati, what about you?"
"I'll just be the porter."
Come to think of it, this wasn't really acting—it was basically our normal setup. I'd hired Lati as a porter on paper, but I didn't dump all the grunt work or treat her unfairly like some novel's baggage carrier. She was just another beastkin companion and one more sex partner for the nighttime. Three was more fun than two anyway.
"Alright. We'll approach while pretending to be adventurers. Then we wait for an opening and wipe out Hureyu and everyone around him. Just make sure his head stays intact."
"Tch. I was gonna just run him over."
"He's an S-rank adventurer, and we don't know the full strength of his group. We need to be careful."
These guys were nothing like the adventurers we'd met in the village we'd bombed. Once the strategy meeting wrapped up, we casually approached the campsite. The adventurers grabbed their weapons and eyed us warily, but I pulled back my hood and greeted them naturally.
"Nice to meet you. Are you adventurers by chance?"
"Who the hell are you?"
"My apologies. I'm also an adventurer—Marquelon. I came here because the dungeon interested me. Didn't expect to find others already here."
"You look like a total rookie. This isn't a place for someone like you. Turn around and leave."
I'd wanted to settle things peacefully, but apparently my charm and speech stats weren't cutting it. Right—I didn't even have a status window. And status windows were for losers anyway. If words didn't work, force it was. These idiots had spent so long kissing up to someone stronger that they thought they were hot shit themselves. They needed a little electroshock therapy. I should've skipped the acting from the start, but caution never hurt.
"I'll be direct. Where's Hureyu?"
"What? You dare speak Lord Hureyu's name so casually—"
"Handle it, Tirga."
The adventurer who'd puffed up his chest without a clue got struck by Tirga's lightning and turned into a charred lump. Hureyu's followers panicked at the sudden bolt from a clear sky, but Tirga gave them no chance to counterattack. We weren't cartoon villains. We didn't give mages time to chant. Her lightning shocked the enemies instantly, and they collapsed without resistance. Even the loudest drunk in a bar quieted down after a taser hit. Electricity really was something else.
"Master, I sense movement in that tent."
"Rip it open, Tirga."
Tirga pulled out her twin hammers, wound up like a batter, and swung with full force. A massive shockwave launched the tent into the air like it had been hit by a typhoon. Inside, a man wearing glasses was tangled up with four women in a very explicit scene. The self-proclaimed hero had traveled with three women, but Hureyu apparently had the stamina to handle four.
"Kyaaah!"
"W-who the hell are you?!"
"Nice to meet you, Hureyu. And goodbye, Hureyu."
I fired a lightning arrow from my finger-gun, but it was blocked by something—probably a spell. S-ranks really were different. Hureyu ordered his women to fetch his gear. He threw on a robe and grabbed his staff. Finally, a decent opponent. Ready to fight even in the middle of sex? I should take notes.
"That last attack? I'd give it a 3.5 out of 5."
"What? You're rating my attack?"
"Correct. It's a bit unusual and crude for magic, but it had decent power. Consider it an honor."
"I'm not exactly normal myself, but you're a special kind of crazy."
When Hureyu struck a pose, the women around him praised him enthusiastically. He'd trained and brainwashed them well. The sight of them spreading their legs for this pretentious prick was something else. No wonder there were only men outside—he'd been busy enjoying himself with the women.
"Master, let me handle that unpleasant man."
"Keep everything above the neck intact."
"Oh? What a waste to kill such a fine lady. How about coming to me instead of that uneducated, barbaric man? The great archmage Hureyu shall personally dote on you."
"With all due respect, go fuck yourself."
Apparently I wasn't the only one annoyed. Dark clouds gathered overhead and thunder began to rumble. Lightning rained down on Hureyu like a storm. I should call this technique Tirga's Wrath. Hureyu deployed a hemispherical barrier to protect himself and his whores. First time anyone had actually blocked her lightning.
"Unpleasant man. Try blocking this too."
Tirga instantly grew to giant size. Even the once-confident Hureyu paled at the sight of a real giant. Hard to blame him—when a twenty- or thirty-meter-tall giant glared down at you like it wanted you dead, anyone would be terrified. Lightning gathered around Tirga's legs before she stomped down on his barrier. Cracks spread instantly and the shield shattered. His loyal prostitutes fled for their lives.
"Tirga! Kill every last one of the runners. No witnesses!"
"Understood, Master."
Compared to Hureyu, the women had no combat ability. They simply dropped after being struck by lightning from above. Left alone, the narcissistic mage desperately fired spells at Tirga, but even an S-rank adventurer couldn't stand against an SSS-rank summon. Tirga's massive hand grabbed Hureyu, and he lost consciousness under overwhelming fear and force. The fight ended far more easily than expected.
We bound the unconscious Hureyu's hands and feet with rope and cleaned up the area. There was that old saying—those who leave should look beautiful doing it. We burned the useless junk and corpses with Tirga's lightning, then sold anything valuable through the remote shop. Not having an inventory was annoying, but at least the shop existed. By the time we finished, Hureyu had regained consciousness.
"Cough, cough."
"Awake already, Mr. High-and-Mighty? I had high hopes for an S-rank adventurer, but you're complete trash. Oh, by the way—your staff was pretty nice. I already sold it for cash."
"What?! You sold my precious staff? Do you have any idea how valuable that was?! A commoner like you would never even see one no matter how hard you worked!"
"Yeah, trash, trash~ Getting beaten by a commoner, losing consciousness, and now tied up, yet still running your mouth. Pathetic. Truly pathetic~"
So this was the true joy of being a mesugaki. It felt a bit cringey coming from a guy, but it was effective at getting under someone's skin. Hureyu screamed and denied reality, which only made teasing him more satisfying. No matter how great a narcissist he thought he was, he was powerless before overwhelming strength. Tirga, annoyed by the noise, walked over and slapped him across the face. The crisp sound sent his head whipping to the side, and he blacked out again.
"Good work, Tirga. Time to get to work. Lati, hand me an axe or something sharp."
"Yes, Boss."
Lati passed me the axe. I took it and brought it down on Hureyu's neck. It didn't come off cleanly like in games. The pain jolted him awake and he started screaming.
"Graaah! It hurts! It hurts, I said!"
"Hey, Hureyu. Did you know that back in the day, they used to hire clumsy executioners on purpose to make executions more painful? Sometimes they deliberately avoided cutting the head off in one go."
I kept hacking away, but it only sprayed more blood without actually severing anything. I had no choice but to ask Tirga for help. She grabbed the axe and cleanly decapitated him in one swing. The robe was soaked in blood—I'd have to throw it away. Didn't matter. I'd already made money, and more was coming in. I grabbed Hureyu's head and slipped back into mesugaki mode.
"Look at you now, trash without a body~"
"Master, what exactly is that tone you're using? If you keep it up, I might do something bad to you."
"Fine, I'll stop. Anyway, Tirga, clean up the body. Burn this bloodstained robe too."
I wrapped Hureyu's head in several layers of cloth and stuffed it into a sack lying around the campsite. When someone died, a body remained. A body meant murder. But if the body disappeared, it was just a missing person. Sergeant Richel had said it herself—adventurers going missing was extremely common. And since this dungeon was notoriously difficult to clear, our dear Hureyu had simply ventured inside and vanished.