End and Beginning (2)
Swish—
“Once again today… thank you from the bottom of our hearts for gracing our Love Orphanage with your precious time.”
I hadn’t rehearsed it at all, and yet the words came spilling out on their own.
My forehead bowed toward the floor without me meaning to, my voice flowing out so naturally that I almost laughed bitterly to myself.
The beginning and the end were always this expression of gratitude.
To be precise, it was probably a proxy thank-you for padding the director’s wallet so they could feed their own warped desires.
We had never been grateful for a goddamn thing.
“You can get up now, Seol-ah.”
“……”
At her permission, I rose to my feet.
As far as I knew, some of the kids stayed bent over for hours.
If they weren’t told to stand, they couldn’t stand.
The fact that, in this hell, I was still being treated as “relatively” better than the others remained disgustingly nauseating.
“What are you standing there spacing out for? Come over here to noona already.”
“……Yes.”
At her words, I gave a small nod.
I looked at her for a moment, then lowered my gaze and started walking.
Yu Hye-in.
The third-generation heiress of the country’s number one chaebol family.
Chairwoman of the cultural and arts foundation under the group.
She was famous for collecting all kinds of artwork and for having a very definite aesthetic standard of her own.
She was also well known, famous enough that her influence had spread worldwide through her own works.
She had to be in her late twenties, I think.
Whether she was a psychopath or a sociopath, I couldn’t remember anymore.
Whatever she was, she was a fucking lunatic.
She was the kind of woman who never bothered showing her face at the orphanage, and yet for some reason kept pouring money into it.
I had no idea why she’d fixated on me of all people. The first time I was transferred to this orphanage, she had approached me faster than anyone else.
- If you try anything stupid, I’ll kill you. Do you have any idea how much money that woman shoves into our orphanage?
- Just go over there and smile, that’s all. You’re top grade, so she won’t lay a hand on you. Not yet.
She was the most talked-about and the most heavily invested-in donor that orphanage director had ever warned me about more than once.
Ironically, she was the one who had repeatedly told me, “I’m not like those filthy people who abuse you.”
She hadn’t crossed the line, exactly. But that didn’t mean she was normal, either.
“Haa… our Seol really is noona’s ideal, no matter when I look at you.”
“……”
“It sounds cliché, but you’re my perfect muse.”
She rose from her seat as I stopped before her.
She pulled me into her arms and slowly ran her hands from the back of my neck down my spine.
What am I supposed to do?
It had been years from now before I’d ever gotten out of this orphanage.
Only after I’d planned and planned some more, after my body and mind had grown enough, after years of preparation, had I finally escaped.
My mind might have been more developed now, but my body was still that of a twelve-year-old.
With a body that had virtually no physical strength, I had to get nearly twenty children out of here.
It was an hour by car from the orphanage to downtown.
The orphanage itself was guarded like a prison, with double-layered gates.
Unless it was the day of some social gathering, we were effectively being raised in the inner management room like livestock.
“Seol, why aren’t you reacting? Did something happen?”
“……”
“Tell noona everything. I can make anything you want come true.”
“……Heh.”
“You’re smiling again? I can’t tell whether you’re in a good mood or a bad one.”
At Yu Hye-in’s words, I gave a hollow laugh.
I had believed those words before. Back when I was young.
I remembered crying and clinging to her when Park Do-jun died.
Had I asked her to take revenge? Or had I begged her to make sure it never happened again?
- Well…. Seol-ah, his death has nothing to do with noona, does it?
- Why should noona lift a finger for that friend of yours?
A kid dying in some backwater orphanage didn’t matter one bit to Yu Hye-in.
To her, all the children except me weren’t even human.
And probably the orphanage director, and every other adult who used this place, looked no better than insects in her eyes.
- But if it’s a “request” from our Seol, I can do anything for you?
- In return, you’ll have to listen to noona’s “request” too, all right?
That was why she said things like that.
I still couldn’t forget that face, that smug, delighted smile she wore while watching me sob and beg.
“……”
Of course I was terrified, so I couldn’t do anything.
Pathetically, because I was still a child.
I was scared as hell. I didn’t want anything done to me.
The other kids went through it all, but I still hadn’t crossed that line.
I was afraid of escaping this cage called the orphanage.
More than my friend’s death, I was more afraid of my own future.
“Seol….”
“Don’t touch me.”
“Mm…. Fine, if that’s what Seol wants, I’ll do that.”
“……”
She looked startled for a moment, then smiled and stepped back.
She sat back on the edge of the bed, crossed her legs, and swept her eyes over me from top to bottom. I squeezed my eyes shut, then opened them again.
“Then will Seol touch me instead?”
Ah.
I hadn’t expected this to happen just because I tried resisting for once.
“……I don’t want to.”
“Seol, did you hear something strange from a friend or something?”
“……”
“Noona is different, okay? Noona really loves you. I’m nothing like those worms who chase a moment of pleasure.”
“Ah, fuck.”
Why did I have to hear that same “I’m different from other people” line straight from her mouth?
She was just as crazy, maybe even crazier, and yet what the hell was this bitch saying?
“……What did you say, Seol-ah?”
“Haa….”
My own honesty slipped out before I could stop it. I squeezed my eyes shut and opened them again.
Her eyes went round, her mouth curving into a twisted smile.
Anger? Delight? I had no idea what that expression meant, and I didn’t want to know, but gooseflesh broke out across my entire body.
“Do the other children talk like that? No, wait—was it the orphanage director?”
“……”
What the hell was I in this woman’s head?
Seeing her bite at her nails, trying to hunt down the cause, made my teeth ache with rage.
“Seol, have you been taken somewhere else?”
“……”
“Tell me. I’m serious now. Did someone else take you?”
Her eyes flashed wide as she asked whether some other “adult” had called me away, and I frowned.
Was she panicking that her work might have been damaged?
She sprang to her feet and checked my body all over, and I closed my eyes.
If I push this woman the right way, maybe I can find a way out.
I didn’t have much time.
I had no idea how much longer Park Do-jun could hold on.
What the scenario demanded from Park Do-jun and this Mind Tower might have had nothing to do with each other, but it wasn’t some grand principle that made me want this—I just didn’t want to see that sight again.
“Seol-ah, no, you can’t. You’re mine.”
“……”
“No matter what happens, I’ll carve you the way I want. Absolutely not. Who told you something like that? The orphanage director? Tell me quickly—do you want to see noona go crazy?”
I don’t care what this woman is thinking, or why she’s so obsessed with me, nor do I find it interesting—but──
It was a dream, after all. An illusion.
Just the past the Mind Tower was showing me.
My whole body was shaking like crazy just from standing in front of her. I felt sick just looking at her revolting face.
Swish—
“No alcohol either!!”
I should use everything I can.
After all, even if I died, I’d come back.
Crash—!!
“……!!”
“Hey.”
“Y-yeah. Right, Seol-ah, let’s put that down and talk, okay?”
I knew very well what she valued enough to die protecting.
With this body, which had not a shred of physical strength, there wasn’t much I could actually do.
Grip.
“You’ll get hurt, you’ll get hurt!!!! Let go of that hand right now!!!”
“Heh heh… ah, this is fucking hilarious.”
“Don’t say things like that. You shouldn’t say things like that, Seol-ah… okay?!”
I pressed the shattered glass bottle, still reeking of wine, against her throat.
Watching blood soak into the expensive carpet, I smiled thinly and looked at the woman before me.
Thud.
“Sit down.”
“Seol-ah!!”
“I said sit down, or should I leave an unforgettable scar on this body you want so badly?”
“……”
She talked as if she had all the power, but her voice was trembling.
The more I felt her eyes on me, the more my head spun.
So this is what a real lunatic looks like.
After meeting this woman for years, one thing I’d learned was this: that worried look in her eyes right now wasn’t concern for me. It was concern for the thing called “me.”
A look of fear that her own work, her own artwork, might be damaged.
I honestly didn’t think she’d care at all if someone else’s soul had entered my body.
If I’m going to wipe this fucked-up place out, I have to do the same thing.
I had to repeat, here in reality, what I’d done long ago.
What had once taken years of preparation had to be achieved now, in just a month or two.
Then I’ll have to do something insane.
“Why are you acting like this today, Seol? Did you not want to see noona?”
“Did I ever want to see you?”
“Noona’s been good to you. I’m just worried because you don’t know what happens if you go somewhere else.”
That… was true enough.
Just because I hated this woman didn’t mean I wanted to go somewhere else.
I just hated this reality so damn much.
Swish.
“See? If I say just one word, Seol, you’ll get in huge trouble.”
“……”
“You don’t know what happens if someone from outside gets called? Haven’t you seen the other kids get punished?”
At the sight of her rising to her feet, I closed my eyes.
Something terrible would happen, obviously. I’d get beaten half to death.
I’d be subjected to something close to torture, unable to eat properly or speak properly.
“I’m the one protecting you, you know?”
“……”
“When Seol’s old enough, you can come to noona and live happily forever, see? Hm?”
When her hand stroked my cheek, I swallowed hard.
The sensation of that filthy viper crawling over my body was vivid.
“Go ahead.”
“……What?”
Scrape—
“Ngh…!”
“Does it hurt? Then scream, why don’t you? Go call the orphanage director, or one of the staff.”
With the same shard of glass that had been pressed to my throat, I cut into her neck just as deeply.
I smiled bitterly at the sight of red blood soaking through the spotless white robe and kept going.
“……”
“If it had been before, I wouldn’t have known. But I guess getting older means I can see it.”
“Wh-what…?”
“You can’t ruin me. There’s no way you can stand seeing me hurt.”
I didn’t know what, in the end, she wanted to do with me, and I didn’t care either way.
“What a shame this isn’t real.”
Because there was no chance this would end the way you wanted.
Grip…!!
“Seol-ah, what on earth are you talking about—ugh…!”
“Was it fun, gaslighting a kid all this time? Did it feel good when I shook and obeyed?”
Yu Hye-in’s eyes were trembling.
They were trembling, and yet her mouth was still smiling.
Her cheeks held a faint flush, and she was excited for some reason I had no desire to understand.
Crazy bitch.
She was definitely smiling for reasons I never wanted to know.
Slash.
“Seol-ah!!!”
“It hurts, but… this is better.”
So I cut my own neck again.
Because her smiling face was pissing me off.
Watching her recoil with a horrified expression, her hands shaking violently, actually made me feel better.
My own hands were trembling too, from fear and terror, but knowing that this woman was ultimately not a demon, just a human being who could still be frightened, made me feel a little better.
If I’d still been a little kid, I never would’ve thought this way.
No, if I hadn’t really experienced death in the Tower, I might still have been trembling in front of her.
After experiencing real death.
After meeting a dead friend again.
Even after going through that wretched cycle, living a life that still trembled before you felt so heartbreakingly pathetic.
“Noona.”
“Se, Seol-ah? You just called me noona──”
“I’ve got one ‘request.’”
Grin.
“……Are you serious?”
“Yeah.”
So I might as well use her like this, at least.
“You want to get out of here or something—”
“It’s not that. Just one tiny favor.”
“……Fine. So what do you want to ask noona for, Seol?”
I had no intention of ever listening to your requests anyway.
“At the next social gathering, no matter what happens, just stay still.”
“What does that….”
“And while you’re at it, don’t say anything to the orphanage director either.”
“……Will you entertain noona, then, Seol?”
“I’ll entertain you so much you’ll be thrilled. You’d better look forward to it.”
“I’ll be looking forward to it, our Seol?”
Just by the look of it, you were definitely going to enjoy this a lot.
* * * * *
“Hey, Park Do-jun!!”
“……Ah, yeah, Han Seol.”
“You okay?”
“Of course I’m okay.”
It was the early hours of dawn, after the social gathering had ended.
I found Park Do-jun wandering around in a daze and hurried over to stop him and speak.
His eyes were red; anyone could tell he’d been crying his heart out.
“You did well.”
“……”
“You held out. It’s okay now.”
“Han Seol….”
I didn’t know how to comfort a child.
And there was no way I’d know what to say to a kid who had gone through something this cruel.
“You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re definitely going to be rewarded for all of this. You’ll get everything you want, and I’ll make sure your dream comes true somehow.”
“……”
But if it had been me, I would’ve wanted to hear those words.
Because I’d gone through something similar myself, if someone had said that to me, I would have thought maybe I could hold on just a little longer.
“Han Seol.”
“Yeah.”
“Let’s definitely ride a plane together.”
“……”
I bit my lip at his awkward smile.
I bit down so hard it hurt, clenched my fist so tightly my hand in my pocket started to shake.
“Can I ride without paying?”
“I’m going to get paid. So you should become rich.”
“……Okay. I’ll make a ton of money and sit in the most expensive seat.”
I forced a bright smile and answered.
“Park Do-jun.”
“Yeah?”
“Can I ask you for one favor? I need your help.”
“Anything. Just say the word. We’re friends.”
“……Right. Friends.”
Why the hell did pure kids like this have to suffer so much?
Seriously, what the fuck.
“What’s up?”
“……I thought about it, and I think it’d be better to do something I’ve already done once.”
“Huh?”
“Want to try playing with fire?”
“What is that, fire play? And not water play?”
“There is such a thing. It’s fucking awesome.”
I’d done that fire play late, calling it your revenge and all that, but this time, if I did it with you, it would be even more fun.
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