The Poison Dispenser Elder
The Dang Clan's nonsense—or rather, the cat's meowing—had reached a level of shamelessness that transcended all bounds, leaving the Do-eosa's mind momentarily frozen in disbelief. Then he exploded in fury.
“That—that makes no sense whatsoever!”
“We can hardly believe it ourselves. But what can we do when it is the truth? Would you prefer we lie because you refuse to accept it?”
“Is your face made of iron? Talking to you is utterly pointless. Fine. I shall verify whether that claim is true myself. You there. Go inside and prove your Clan Head’s words.”
One of the Dang experts pointed at by the finger raised his palm and answered.
“Me, sir? I believe in our Clan Head, you see.”
“I said prove it, not believe it.”
“If that is what you mean, then I saw that cat with my own two eyes, so there is nothing to worry about.”
The Do-eosa realized that pressing further would yield nothing. Yet if he were to storm the Dang estate with soldiers right now, they would surely scatter their prepared poisons in retaliation. Grinding his teeth, the Do-eosa glared.
Cheong watched the scene with sparkling eyes. She took two steps sideways and quietly asked the elderly man who had been introduced as some high-ranking elder.
“Excuse me, were we allowed to provoke them like that? You made it sound like we had to endure the humiliation.”
“Our side, you say. Ah, so my granddaughter has truly found herself a fine friend. How admirable. Take this.”
“Oh, thank you.”
The old man naturally produced something from his robes and placed it in her hand—a small vial no larger than two finger joints.
“It is a personally crafted batch of Gyeonhon-su. If you have someone you dislike, dissolve it in strong liquor and feed it to them. Within one gak, their muscles will loosen and they will soil themselves.”
It was a deadly poison capable of socially annihilating someone in a single dose.
“Wow! Thank you! Something this precious!”
Cheong beamed brightly as she accepted the special Gyeonhon-su. Her expression was so genuinely delighted that the old man’s face also broke into a smile.
Just who was this elder? A walking poison vending machine? Did he hand out items whenever someone spoke to him, like some village uncle?
The answer was that he was the Supreme Clan Head of the Dang Clan, the highest elder who stayed close out of concern for his granddaughter. He was also the very person who had nurtured Dang Nan-a’s interest in all manner of vile poisons by showering her with gifts since childhood.
Only after that did the Supreme Clan Head offer an explanation.
“The Dang Clan never forgets grudges. Daring to kick down the main gate of the Sichuan Tang Clan is a grave crime deserving death. Merely enduring that insult is already humiliating enough. So we might as well scratch at their pride a little, no?”
“Ah.”
“However, it would be even better if someone makes a major slip of the tongue. If we can seize upon their words as a pretext, we may draw our blades. That is how the Central Plains works, after all.”
No such law had ever existed in this world, from ancient times until now. Yet the wisdom an old man had gleaned from long years of living was not necessarily wrong.
“The problem is that if even one of us errs, our entire clan could be wiped out, while they only lose one man who can simply be replaced. It is an extremely disadvantageous fight for the Dang Clan. Do you understand?”
So we are allowed to provoke them? In that case, wasn’t this right up her alley?
Cheong’s eyes sparkled.
“Then, can I join in on teasing them too?”
“How admirable that you wish to help however you can. Take this as well. It is a personally crafted batch of Talbaek-mimang-san.”
The Supreme Clan Head handed over another small glass bottle containing three pills resembling goat droppings.
“If you force it into someone’s mouth and make them swallow, once the effects kick in it will arouse their lust while making them hallucinate. You will surely get to witness them thrusting at empty air—ack. I should not say such things to a young lady. How improper of me.”
“Wow! Thank you! It sounds fun, so I will definitely put it to good use.”
Yet another deadly poison that invited social death. Cheong still accepted it happily, though she had no idea what “personally crafted” meant in this context.
“Still, that fellow Tu-juk only managed to seize the Clan Head position because he has a silver tongue. No one in our clan can wag their tongue better than him, so we can leave it to him.”
Indeed, the Do-eosa soon withdrew as if he had no choice.
“Ahem. It seems the search will not proceed smoothly today, so we shall take our leave. See to it that you deal with the poisons and comply with His Imperial Majesty’s august command as soon as possible.”
It was a clear victory for the Dang Clan.
—
Since the Do-eosa had not come intending to simply take the humiliation lying down, his next move was to blockade the Dang estate. Soldiers surrounded every entrance, preventing not only people but even supplies from entering. Among those supplies were foodstuffs, and since humans could not survive without eating, the message was clear: starve to death or die for treason, as you please.
Yet Cheong ate well. So did the rest of the Dang Clan. After all, they already had several secret passages, so blocking the main gates was merely an inconvenience.
Since the Dang Clan needed time, they played along and pretended to suffer.
“Oh dear, my lord. How are we supposed to live if you even block our food supplies?”
“Ahem, ahem. We are only following orders as well.”
Such was the exchange.
By the fourth day, even the Do-eosa began to feel something was amiss. Had they really stockpiled that much food? Meanwhile, two more dots had appeared on the map of Sichuan—two more artillery positions had already been located.
Only on the seventh night did the Do-eosa realize something was wrong and come rushing back with his soldiers. This time, he was not alone. A group of martial artists clad in brilliant golden silk robes accompanied him.
“I warned you clearly, yet you still refuse to present yourselves as criminals.”
“Criminals? Where do you see any criminals here?”
“Hmph. Vice Commander Wi. Did I not tell you? Look at the shameless lies of those lawless traitors. We should storm in and slaughter them immediately.”
Cheong watched the scene and asked,
“Who are those shiny fellows?”
“They are the Jinyiwei.”
The Jinyiwei were, as the name suggested, guards clad in golden robes. Since these golden uniforms were reserved exclusively for the Emperor’s personal military force, every single one of them held a fairly high official rank. They were essentially the equivalent of the Imperial Guard from Cheong’s homeland when it had been an empire—soldiers, secret police, and the Emperor’s blade all in one.
The poison elder—rather, the Supreme Clan Head—explaining this had a slightly darkened expression.
“It seems His Majesty has made up his mind quite firmly. The Vice Commander of the Jinyiwei is the third-highest position in their ranks. They do not usually descend to the provinces.”
Regardless, another verbal battle over the clan’s fate was about to begin.
“Seven days have passed, so you must have completed the detoxification by now. This time, you will submit to the search.”
“Oh dear. Actually, a stray cat got into the warehouse last night and caused quite a ruckus. It so happened to carry off a pouch of extreme poison, so the entire Dang estate has become no different from a death trap.”
It was the exact same line, as if copied and pasted.
“Did you not say the same thing last time?”
“History repeats itself, does it not?”
“W-what? There is a limit to shamelessness!”
The Do-eosa trembled with a horrified expression. Cheong was simply impressed. What a magnificent technique. Moreover, the declaration of intent to repeat this three times, four times, even until everyone was sick of it, was clear. From now on, every night before the officials arrived, the invincible poison cat would steal an endless supply of poison pouches and thoroughly scatter them throughout the Dang estate.
However, the Do-eosa was no ordinary man either. Realizing that continuing the standoff would get him nowhere, he immediately turned to leave.
At that moment, Cheong suddenly raised her voice.
“Ah, right! Do-eosa-nim! Please wait a moment! I have something urgent to tell you.”
The Do-eosa, who had been about to take a step, turned to look at Cheong’s veiled face with a suspicious yet slightly expectant gaze.
“……What is it? If you intend to report those lawless rebels, I swear on my name that I will do my utmost to spare at least your life, young lady.”
Cheong then spoke to Dang Tu-juk.
“Well, Clan Head? Our food waste has been piling up lately and the smell is getting quite bad. Could we ask these people to take it away on their way back? They blocked the gates and would not let anyone through, so the ones who blocked it should clean it up.”
“Oh. That is a fine idea. Do-eosa, may I make a humble request? Our cooks have rather heavy hands, so it is only natural that we have leftovers even after feeding our entire clan generously.”
It was a taunt that no matter how thoroughly they blockaded the estate, it would be useless because there were other ways in. The Dang Clan members deliberately chuckled and laughed in response.
“Silence! Insufferable traitors! I will tear you limb from limb and feed you to the dogs! I will skewer you on spits, roast you, and feed you to your own children!”
“Ah. Are we discussing the fate of traitors? Then how about we stuff candles into their bellies and use them as candlesticks? The Do-eosa looks like he would burn for a good seven days at least.”
It was an elegant jab at the Do-eosa’s resemblance to Dong Zhuo in build.
“Y-you……! Let us go! You dog-bastards…….”
In the end, the Do-eosa stormed off, his face flushed crimson with curses.
Sichuan Tang Clan victory.
Afterward, the poison elder once again offered another vial.
“Your wit is truly excellent, child. How admirable. Take this. It is a personally crafted batch of Sinseon-pye.”
This time, it was an empty, sealed glass bottle.
“If you inhale it through your nose or mouth, it will turn your breathing into an ugly flute sound for fifteen days, making it rough and shrill. Your voice will also become even more ridiculous, so you will not be able to speak without bursting into laughter yourself. If you are someone prone to laughing, you might laugh yourself to death.”
Every single poison he “personally crafted” was obsessively aimed at destroying someone’s dignity.
“Wow! Thank you so much. I did not even ask for this. Hehe. I will put it to good use.”
Cheong accepted the bottle with delight once again.