Confession Under the Lamplight
The young lady and I sat around the table in a room lit by only a single lamp. Our hands were clasped together, fingers fidgeting restlessly. Even with my eyes closed, I could recall the exact shape of her cool fingers. The sensation was vivid. Yet closing my eyes at a time like this would be a luxury. I kept my gaze fixed on her face, drinking in every detail of that glorious sight.
She was beautiful. She had been from the very first moment I laid eyes on her. I had merely spoken the feelings I had long carried in my heart, nothing more. If someone else had witnessed it, they might have asked whether I felt no shame confessing such emotions to the mistress I served. My answer to that would be simple: “How could I not? Damn it all.”
I had always known such an act would not be easily accepted. Still, if there was even the slightest chance she would not think ill of me for taking one step closer, I was prepared to offer everything. So here, in this moment, I intended to confirm her feelings. Even if Hilken had pushed me forward, I would not know the truth of her words until I faced them myself.
Yet the brief silence while waiting for her answer gnawed at me. My mind churned with doubts about whether my actions were right. Still, I had to maintain an attitude of fearless advance and unwavering courage. Once a man draws his sword, he must at least cut something, even if only radishes. I knew that much, no matter how dense I could be. If there was something I wished to claim, it was only proper that I, as a man, express it first.
Then the young lady parted her firmly closed lips.
“Why would you say something like that to me?”
Thud. Her strangely cold tone made my heart sink. Why, she asked.
“I was simply stating what I felt…”
“Hearing those words… confuses me.”
Damn it. Confused? Was she about to scold me for overstepping my bounds as a servant? I was finished. Ruined. Had I moved too soon? In the original story, she… No, forget that. I was confronting the woman I had come to know, watch, and feel for with my own heart.
Unable to properly read the meaning between her words, I felt as though I might go mad wondering if I had made some mistake.
“Confused… How am I supposed to interpret that?”
So I could do nothing but ask for her true meaning.
“If you suddenly call me pretty like that, I’ll end up thinking I really am that kind of person…”
At her honest confession, my heart loosened with a soft click. Before I could think of any clever response, she took the hand she had been holding and pressed it to her cheek, rubbing her skin against it. The young lady’s cheek was as cold as if frozen by frost, yet it was soft and smooth beyond words.
“Did you know? You’re the first person to ever say something like that to me.”
“Ah…”
It felt as though every worry I had been carrying was washed away. Describing that look in her eyes with words was impossible. The only word I could manage was… wow. She was lovely. That was all I could think.
She glanced at my hand and whispered in that sweet voice.
“The scars on your hand… they’re still there.”
Scars… Ah, she meant those. They had accumulated from rolling around in various places, but there was only one thing the young lady could be referring to here. Yet this was both my pride and my glory.
“Are you speaking of the wounds I received while saving you in our youth? I consider them scars of honor…”
“You haven’t changed at all. Even now, you’re always saving me.”
At my words, she narrowed her eyes, emitting a beautiful light as she asked in a firm voice that could only speak the truth.
“I always wonder… Am I someone worthy of receiving salvation from a great person like you?”
“Surely you didn’t expect me to give a negative answer, did you?”
“I don’t understand why you cherish me so much. Everyone else has abandoned me and pays me no mind. Why are you the only one?”
She shifted her gaze from my hand back to my eyes.
“So I truly don’t know what your real feelings are.”
The moment our eyes met, the world seemed to collapse.
“You like me that much?”
……
……
Damn it.
“Yes. More than like. I find you lovely.”
“…Ugh, ah.”
“Do you know what it means to find someone lovely?”
Her silence stretched on. But prolonged deliberation often leads to poor moves. So I simply laid out every feeling I held, exactly as it was.
“When I see you sitting still, I want to stand beside you and cast a shadow. When you walk, I want to stand at your side and share that time. When you sleep, I want to lie next to you and wander the same dream, even if it is a sleep that never ends.”
“W-wait, Yohan. Yohan…!”
“It is the same when I watch your sorrowful fate from beside you. I simply wish to walk that path quietly together with you.”
My hand trembled. I moved my hand from her cheek to her hair and gently stroked it.
“Can you explain what this feeling is called, my lady?”
“…I don’t know. I don’t understand any of it.”
“That’s why I don’t understand why I’m like this either. But the world calls this…”
I swallowed. “Simply put, they say it’s liking someone. So I said it. Liking you felt too weak, so it seems I love you.”
Would this be enough explanation? A non-violent conveyance of the heart. But whether she would accept this one-sided attitude of mine remained uncertain. If not, I would have to accept it humbly.
Yet the young lady spoke.
“Yohan.”
“I’m listening, my lady.”
“You don’t have to call me ‘my lady.’ At times like this, you can just call me by my name.”
“That would be disrespectful. I cannot do such a thing with a clear mind toward someone as great as you…”
“What about that time on the platform? You did it just fine then. It was the first and last time, though.”
She had struck at my logical weakness. She had a good memory, so it could not be helped. After hesitating, I reluctantly moved those three magnificent syllables to my lips.
“…Karalin.”
Then she smiled faintly.
“Yohan.”
“I’m listening.”
“I still don’t understand what this feeling is at all… but if I’ve been thinking about it since long ago, then the only companion I’ve ever imagined for my life is you.”
I see. So that’s how it is. Hah, haaah—!! Did that mean she accepted me? That she was declaring she would accept even a worthless man like me? But why did she have to phrase it that way? She could have just said it plainly like I did. My head was spinning. An unbearable desire boiled up within me.
“Don’t change the subject.”
I could not hold back. I lifted her into my arms and threw her onto the bed.
“—Kyaa.”
Even if she was my lady, her habit of being evasive was bad. This was punishment. I had to punish the wicked woman trying to feed me vague sweet potatoes. But she lay on the bed and looked at me teasingly.
“…I won’t allow anything right now.”
“Ah, that…”
At her warning, I transformed into a dog with its tail between its legs. Yes, damn it. That was just like me.
“…Come here.”
But she tapped the spot beside her on the bed. Like an obedient dog, I hurried over and, not knowing where to put my hands, ended up wrapping them around her waist.
“I don’t know about anything else. But for now, just hold me tight. Calm my racing heart. I’ll only allow that one thing today…”
Her slender waist could be covered by just one of my arms.
“Was saying I love you not enough, my lady?”
“I told you not to call me ‘my lady’ when we’re alone…”
“Ah, that… It’s become a habit.”
Just as I had done once at her bedside, I now embraced her delicate body with a clear mind, breathing in the deep cedar scent that filled my nose, and spoke.
“One day, I will become someone truly worthy of you. I have never once thought of you lightly.”
At those words, the silence she offered felt like the greatest support that could overturn the entire world. And because she did not reject me even to that extent, my wildly beating heart easily calmed. The sense of accomplishment and excitement that came from having my desires fulfilled was one thing, but it felt as though something that had wandered for a long time had finally settled. It was as if I had returned home. Living… was a good thing.
***
Not much time had passed since that incident, yet a great change had occurred at Sigmund Academy. They had announced a “short-term closure.” The reasons were to handle the aftermath of the forest training incident, to mourn, and because of the changing situation within Sigmund itself.
Well, unlike when I had faked my death during the forest training, this was not the death of a single student. The academy itself had caused incident after incident, resulting in the deaths of twelve students and injuries to countless others. Everyone had expected this. Especially since even Karlangk had been locked down, the expectation had been closer to certainty.
The announced period was about two weeks. The young lady, who had just woken up, and I read the morning newspaper delivered to my room from Figaro.
“…That’s what it says.”
“Yeah… it does.”
However, there was something even more surprising than this obvious news.
─── Jurchen, the eldest son of the Laghound family who caused the major incident of civilian violence within the academy, has been suspended indefinitely… Even the maximum punishment under school rules, “voluntary service as a tower keeper,” has been imposed, making his release unlikely… ───
“Voluntary service as a tower keeper is just the academy’s way of dressing up locking someone in a tower, isn’t it, my lady?”
“Yeah… he’s locked up…”
“Haha, damn it. I knew it.”