The First Sense (2)
Some days are like that.
Days when you miss someone too much.
Days when you thought the ache had dulled with time, only for that person to seep into your heart again, sharp and unbearable.
Today was not the anniversary of Lassen's death.
And yet, unable to overcome the impulse swelling in her chest, Elaine had come to stand before her brother's grave.
"..."
It was smaller than any of the other royal tombs.
Quietly, she read the words carved into the headstone.
Here sleeps Prince Lassen Castor,
Beloved by All
Big brother.
Her one and only brother. The person she had killed.
Lassen Castor.
The moment she called that name in her heart, her chest throbbed anew.
What am I supposed to say?
She didn't know.
She had heard far too many words already, and her mouth had long since sealed itself shut.
Only that very morning, the woman who was her mother had hurled a curse at her.
A scream on the edge of sobbing spun round and round inside her head.
She had heard those words for so many years, and still they lodged in her chest like a blade.
If she finds out I came here, to big brother's grave like this, Mother will surely fly into an even worse frenzy.
Elaine clenched the hem of her dress.
A black dress worn out of the barest courtesy, and a black mourning veil covering her face.
That was the best she could offer her brother.
Had she brought anything else, there was no telling what her mother would say this time.
So the moment she realized her mother would be attending the trial, she had come straight here.
Big brother... I miss you...
Her time had stopped fifteen years ago.
A gentle boy with the same green eyes as her own.
He was still vivid before her eyes.
Her brother, laughing with his whole face.
The warmth of his hand as he gripped hers in worry.
And even the name he had forced out through clenched teeth as her rampaging power crushed down on him.
"E-Elaine... big brother... is... okay..."
Her chest ached.
If I hadn't been a Talent Awakener, would Lassen have grown into a fine man by now, taken the throne like Father?
If my power hadn't done that to him — no, if I had died in his place.
The dark thoughts sank deeper and deeper.
She turned over countless hypotheses, countless what ifs.
What could she have done back then?
Should she have thrown her whole body into protecting Lassen?
If I failed to, if I was simply not enough, and that's why I suffer like this...
Just as her guilt toward herself turned into a blade once more, beginning to hollow out her heart—
Crunch.
Footsteps sounded directly behind her.
"!!!"
Elaine pulled her veil down deeper and spun around.
"Ah."
There stood a man with black eyes.
"Forgive me. I had no intention of startling you—"
Before he could finish, Elaine's hand pointed to the ground just before his feet.
Krrrunch. CRACK!
With an unearthly sound, the surrounding gravestones were torn from the earth and slammed down between her and the man with a thunderous thud.
Telekinesis.
The ability to interfere with objects through an unseen force.
Her blessed gift, her cursed power, sent the man an unmistakable warning.
Stay away from me.
But the words never left her lips.
If you don't want to get hurt too.
They couldn't come out.
Ever since the moment she killed her brother, her mouth had never once been able to release language.
"..."
But the man showed no trace of alarm whatsoever.
Instead, he simply stood where he was and regarded her calmly.
"I meant no disrespect. This officer merely... wished to pay his respects to the Prince."
At those words, Elaine lifted her eyes past the veil to look at his face — and froze.
The man's expression was exactly her own.
Regret, and longing.
And the withered traces of tears.
It was the face of someone who had lost a person dear to them.
Silently, I looked down at the gravestones that had torn themselves from the earth to bar my way.
A princess?
I knew it from rumor.
That someone who commanded objects with an invisible force existed in the royal family.
A Talent Awakener.
In this country, there was only one Awakener besides myself.
Princess Elaine Castor.
There was no one else it could be.
Which meant the woman standing before me was a princess.
But there were contradictions.
As I understood it, Princess Elaine was kept confined by the Queen.
The Queen was anything but merciful — she would never have allowed the princess who killed her own son to come alone to Prince Lassen's grave like this.
One only had to look at her conduct all this time to know that.
Besides, a princess traveling here unattended makes no sense at all.
Even daughters of mere count-level houses traveled with guards at all times.
And a princess of an entire nation?
At minimum, a dozen or so attendants should have been trailing her here.
One glance at her eye color — the clearest evidence of all — would have settled every question, but unfortunately she wore a black mourning veil, and her face was hidden.
Still, judging by how violently she'd reacted, she was clearly an unstable person in some way.
Perhaps someone who had loved Lassen.
Or perhaps the wizard who had once tutored the prince.
I turned my gaze slightly and read the letters carved into the stone.
Prince Beloved by All
If he had been a prince of wisdom and kindness from childhood, then perhaps one person, somewhere, still remembered his virtue to this day.
It could genuinely be the princess — or it could not. Both possibilities remained.
It might be better not to dig any deeper.
That was probably why she wore the veil.
Poking at this and getting tangled up with the royal family all over again was the last thing I wanted.
So I steadied my voice and spoke.
"You came to offer prayers for Prince Lassen, then. As I said, this officer had no intention of disturbing you."
We had little enough to do with one another; the meaning was simple — let each keep their own time and space.
I will cease my interest in you, so cease yours in me.
"..."
The woman did not answer.
Instead, she stared at me for a while, then turned her head away.
It was behavior more than sufficient to take for a yes.
I followed her lead and shifted my gaze as well.
Lassen Castor.
The son whom King Leo had loved desperately, and the tragedy of House Castor.
I stared at his grave in silence.
If the tragedy began with a son, what could ever bring that tragedy to an end?
Would he have to sever his own obsession?
Or overcome it through another child?
And if not even that — would he simply have to live inside the tragedy until his breath gave out?
My thoughts grew tangled.
The woman, too, kept her distance from me and watched over the grave.
Silence.
Nothing but the sound of breathing stirred between the two of us.
With ten paces between us, the woman and I mourned quietly, each in our own way.
And just as the woman finally turned to leave the prince's grave first—
"...There was someone precious to this officer, once."
I said it quietly.
The woman's face turned slowly back toward me.
"And by this officer's fault, that person died. It was, plainly and utterly, this officer's doing."
She looked at me.
Her wordless gaze carried the question perfectly: why are you telling me this?
But I paid it no mind and continued.
"Today is not the anniversary of her death. And yet I found myself wondering — will there ever be another day I miss her this much?"
There are truths only a stranger can show.
There are words only someone who does not know you can say.
A person who can be more sincere than a lifelong friend.
A stranger.
I did not ask who she was.
Ours was an acquaintance that would begin and end with a single meeting.
There would be no harm in showing each other our wounds.
So I spoke, quietly.
"This officer believes... that Princess Elaine is as pitiable as Prince Lassen himself."
The woman flinched hard.
I knew how dangerous those words were.
They were words that sheltered a royal who had killed another royal.
For a public official, they were words that should never, ever be spoken.
But I ignored that and went on.
I looked straight at the face hidden behind the black mourning veil.
"To condemn her as the woman who killed her own family... she herself must have suffered the greatest shock of anyone."
You are the one I pity.
You, who lost someone precious, just as I did.
And so I did not stop.
"With no one in the world to lean on, she was left with no choice but to bear the condemnation of everyone."
I don't know why.
Perhaps it was petty meddling, or pointless sympathy.
Or perhaps it was because she looked like I once did, when I had broken apart.
"But someday, I believe you will rise again."
Someday, she would have to forgive herself.
Forgive — but not forget — and stand back up.
Not rising in fury, like the King.
Not surrendering to madness and clinging to something, like the Queen.
"If not for your own sake, then for the sake of the one who left before you — you must stand again."
Just as Rene had once extended her hand to me.
I extended my hand to her.
The princess looked at me.
In her shock, Elaine remained rooted to the spot for a long while.
"..."
Even after every word had been spent, the man was still waiting for her answer.
For the first time, curiosity stirred in her.
Who on earth are you?
Someone who resembled her.
A man wearing the same expression she wore.
That man had said it too.
That he had driven someone precious to their death.
Elaine met his eyes through the veil.
Black eyes steeped in sorrow, yet glinting like the evening sky.
He was, without question, wearing her own expression.
Sorrow, regret, and longing.
But his gaze was different.
It was the look of someone who had resolved upon something, and committed to it.
In those deep, deep eyes there was no wavering at all.
How did he overcome that sorrow?
How can anyone carry it and still look like that?
Slowly, she raised her hand.
GRIND.
The gravestones returned to their places.
Now nothing stood between the man and her.
Elaine took a single, very slow step toward him.
Who are you, to say these things to me?
She had never heard words like them before.
This officer believes that Princess Elaine is as pitiable as Prince Lassen himself.
Words she had never heard from her father, her mother, or anyone at all.
Words that pitied her.
No — more precisely than that.
Words that understood her.
At a feeling she had never once experienced in her life, Elaine took another step toward him.
I want to know.
How you overcame it.
I want to hear.
What you went through.
She slowly reached her hand out toward the man.
Because if this was not a hallucination, she truly wanted to speak with him.
And at the very moment her fingers were about to brush the collar of his coat—
Step, step.
"So this is where you were."
People of the Queen's faction entered the royal cemetery.
Servants whose every duty was to report Elaine's every movement straight to the Queen.
"!!!"
The princess quickly backed away.
When they saw the man, their faces twisted.
"...Central Officer Nathan Kell."
The man called Nathan Kell gave a small nod.
"Good day to you."
"I see you have not yet returned to the Southern Border."
"There was time to spare, so I came briefly to see an old friend."
At that, one of the servants snorted.
"I was not aware you were acquainted with Prince Lassen Castor."
"I wouldn't say acquainted. The prince's grave simply caught my eye, all of a sudden."
"A prince who had no connection whatsoever to a Central Officer?"
"He has a connection to me as a subject of this realm, and as one of its royalty."
Sharpened words flew back and forth.
The servants' displeasure dripped from every line.
Elaine stared at it all in a daze — then flinched as she watched Nathan Kell bow his head toward her.
"Then this officer will take his leave. My lady of no name. Though our time was brief, thank you for listening to this officer's story like a friend."
If I linger any longer, we will both be put in a difficult position — so I will withdraw first.
Wait.
Startled, she opened her mouth.
"Ah..."
But what came out was nothing more than a meaningless breath.
And so her only kindred spirit turned without hesitation and walked away.
That night.
Having endured another torrent of abuse and curses from the Queen, Elaine returned to her bedchamber and sat staring into nothing.
Her mother's words still hurt — but something else had come to weigh on her mind even more.
Central Officer Nathan Kell...
The kindred spirit who had vanished without giving her a single chance to hold on to him.
Why did he say those things to me?
She wanted to ask.
But she could not, not anymore.
He was gone.
And besides, she was someone who could not speak.
Elaine gathered her courage and tried to make a sound.
"Ah... ugh..."
In place of clear words, only meaningless moans spilled out.
Central Officer Nathan Kell.
No matter how hard she pushed, the words caught in her throat as if snagged on an invisible wall.
"Na... Ke..."
In the end she gave up and sagged back down.
The familiar helplessness came creeping up on her again.
"Your Highness, you really must sleep now."
At the sight of her, the one person who always remained at her side — her maid, Hannah — approached carefully.
Elaine stared at Hannah quietly for a moment, and then felt a flash of inspiration streak through her mind.
She seized the maid at once and wrote, in handwriting, across her own palm:
A letter.
If she could not speak, she could write a letter.
Her mouth was sealed, but her hands were free.
If ordinary conversation was impossible, then she could simply converse by writing.
Why did I never think of that?
Hannah nodded with a dazed expression.
"Oh, a letter, Your Highness? I'll bring some right away."
In less than a minute, Hannah returned with a thick stack of writing paper.
"Phew..."
Elaine calmed herself, took up the pen, and wrote at the very top of the first sheet:
To: Central Officer Nathan Kell
She had no idea of his rank or station, but she remembered his name with perfect clarity.
Then she moved the pen to the very bottom of the page.
From: Elai—
Elaine had begun to write her own name, and stopped.
A worrisome thought flickered through her mind.
If he finds out I'm the princess...
Would Nathan Kell condemn me too, like everyone else?
She didn't know.
He had been the only person to show her any sincerity at all.
A man brave enough to lay bare his darkest past at a first meeting.
Her only kindred spirit — from him alone, she did not want to earn condemnation.
Then should I send it anonymously?
Just then, she remembered the last thing Nathan had said.
Though our time was brief, thank you for listening to this officer's story like a friend.
She hesitated a moment, then wrote a single word, short and simple.
From: A Friend
An awkward word.
A word that suited her not at all, and it stood out plainly on the page.
"..."
For the first time in a very long while, the corners of her mouth trembled.
Elaine spent that whole night, until dawn, writing and erasing the letter over and over.
Feeling, for the very first time, a new emotion spreading across her face.