How to Survive in a Good Small Guild — Episode 9
"Uuurgh…."
The next morning, we arrived at work as bona fide zombies. The Guild Master, who strolled in a whole two hours late, had the hangover from the previous night darkening her already gloomy face into a full shade of gray. Susanna, who'd been dragged along at my pace, showed up with her hair tied in a complete disaster.
I'll admit I was the least wrecked of the three of us — though my stomach kept churning on and off, so I wasn't exactly in great shape either….
We had each slumped into our seats, wearing blank, bleary expressions, when a man loitering outside the office appeared through the crack of the open door.
"What now? A client?"
The Guild Master muttered dismissively, then suddenly seemed to realize something and shouted:
"Wait — is that the applicant for the new position?"
"Doesn't look like…."
"Go bring him in!"
"Understood."
Following the Guild Master's orders, I walked over to the man. He hadn't expected the door to open, apparently, because his face went rigid with surprise.
Huh. And wow, he's actually gorgeous. No way someone like that is here applying for an entry-level job.
"Are you here to apply for the new position, by any chance?"
"Yes, yes? No, I…."
Then, all of a sudden, his expression shifted and he answered:
"Yes. I would like to… to apply."
No way! Someone had actually applied after seeing that godforsaken job posting!
"Do you have your application materials with you?"
"…I don't."
"Then would you like to fill one out now?"
Sure, the posting had been a hollow formality with no real application process behind it — but if someone was going to walk into this guild of their own free will, I wasn't about to let him slip away.
I hurried to fetch the paperwork, and after a moment of hesitation, the man wrote down his name.
— Employment Application —
Name: Cedric Alte
Work History: (blank)
He began filling out the rest of the application.
I couldn't stop stealing glances at the man's flawless face. He was undeniably handsome on the outside — but he'd applied to this guild willingly.
'He must have been blessed with a face by the gods and robbed of intelligence in return!'
After all, no one with a properly functioning brain would apply to a guild like this.
His work history was completely empty. Like the original Audrette and Susanna, he appeared to be some poor fresh graduate who'd blundered straight into the trap.
"Let's do an interview!"
The Guild Master declared boisterously, and I escorted him over to her desk.
"W-we're doing the interview right here? I mean — here?"
"That's right. We don't have a Guild Master's office or anything, you see. Hehe."
The man — Cedric, apparently — seemed to realize he'd gotten himself tangled up with something terrible, and his face darkened. But the Guild Master was never going to let a sacrifice who'd walked in on his own two feet go that easily.
"So, you've got no work history, I see."
"…No, ma'am. But I'll work hard."
"How's your alcohol tolerance?"
"My… tolerance?"
Signature move of the sketchy small company interview: asking about your drinking capacity.
"…I've never been drunk."
"Ohhoh…."
A spark of interest lit the Guild Master's eyes.
"A positive sort, are you?"
"…I will act positively."
"What do you think of companies that treat their employees like family?"
"Ah, family-run… I have worked at a family-run company before. There are circumstances that prevent me from listing it as experience, but…."
He'd worked at a family-run company. Poor soul. No doubt it couldn't survive the family running it and went under.
The interview carried on from there. The Guild Master seemed to think the new applicant wasn't half bad.
"However, there is one thing bothering me."
"…And what would that be?"
"Your face is no good!"
"……?"
Another signature move of the sketchy small company interview: reading your physiognomy.
Cedric wore the expression of a man questioning whether he'd heard correctly — but unfortunately for him, he had heard correctly.
"I don't care for faces like yours. Black hair and brown eyes are far too drab, your eyes are too big, and your nose is too high."
Isn't that just picking a fight with him for being too handsome?
"Assistant Manager Susanna, what do you think?"
I whispered to her under my breath.
"Hm?"
"Wouldn't having someone who looks like that in our guild count as a workplace benefit?"
"Oh, you're so right!"
For the first time, Susanna nodded along as if we were finally on the same wavelength. He really did have a stunning face — the kind that would brighten up the office just by sitting in it.
With our minds united, Susanna and I spoke to the Guild Master in unison:
"Guild Master, come on — he's worked at a family-run company, that's got to count for something?"
"Th-that's right! And he can hold his liquor!"
"Hmm…."
Just as the Guild Master continued to scowl in dissatisfaction, Cedric burst out:
"I-I would like to negotiate my salary!"
A salary negotiation? Out of nowhere?
As we all turned to him in confusion, the shocking follow-up came:
"I'd like to negotiate it downward!"
"……!"
Good heavens — such a deranged human being actually existed!
"You're hired! You're hired, I say!"
The Guild Master's face lit up with joy in an instant.
Well… I mean, sure, it was nice that a handsome new hire had joined us and all….
'But is his judgment actually okay?'
Could I really take this airhead under my wing as my junior and win him over to my side?
"Then Audrette, would you handle his onboarding?"
"Yes, of course."
Instead of a full-time position, he'd be working on a fixed-term contract for a few months first. On paper his hours would be shorter than ours — but there was no doubt whatsoever that overtime would be waiting for him anyway….
After Cedric passed the interview, fortune smiled on me: the Guild Master handed the onboarding off to me.
"Welcome to our guild. I'm Audrette Lavendel, and I'm an Assistant Manager. Everyone goes by first names here, so just 'Assistant Manager Audrette' is fine."
"Understood. Please call me by my name as well."
"Wonderful, Employee Cedric. First up, the break room is over here."
I pointed to a desk in the corner of the office. On it sat a few tea bags and a kettle.
"Didn't you say this was a break room?"
"Just call this space the break room and we're good."
"……."
Cedric's pupils wavered, but I turned a blind eye.
"Also, an Assistant Manager we used to have was forced to stock the snacks and tea bags with her own money — but she's gone now, so you don't need to spend your own salary refilling them. However…."
"However?"
"If you eat all of these and the shelf goes empty, the Guild Master will probably order you to restock it. So you must never, ever touch anything here. Consider it strictly decorative."
"…That is genuinely unjust."
When I whispered it just out of the Guild Master's earshot, he nodded along with a look of profound shock on his face.
"And Employee Cedric, this empty spot here is where you'll be working."
"…Isn't this desk a bit small?"
"Hm? It's a perfectly standard size."
"Is there perhaps a partition—"
"Of course not. And it's tradition for the lowliest newcomer to take the worst seat."
"Unjust… so unjust…."
Cedric's seat faced directly away from the Guild Master — positioned precisely so she could see everything he did at a glance.
His complexion grew a shade worse. Thankfully, it seemed his judgment wasn't entirely bankrupt.
"Every so often we get requests to track down cheating spouses — those are mostly handled by Assistant Manager Susanna, so you can learn from her."
"Hehe, nice to meet you~!"
Since this employee was contract labor anyway, I figured they wouldn't hand him the Temple subcontract work. The Guild Master had told me to keep it confidential for the duration of his contract, so I made no mention of the client on the receiving end.
At the mention of her name, Susanna thrust out her hand as if she'd been waiting for this moment. Cedric took it and shook it politely.
"I'm Susanna Herb! Feel free to call me Assistant Manager Susanna!"
"Yes, Assistant Manager Susanna. Though…."
Cedric hesitated before asking his question.
"Why are you doing calculations by hand instead of using a calculator…?"
"……."
"Assistant Manager Susanna doesn't trust machines, so she always does the math herself!"
"Ah. Is that so…."
Susanna, now on the receiving end of a poor simpleton look from the handsome new hire, shot a glare my way. But it seemed Cedric had already branded her as a total weirdo in his mind.