The Guild's Finest Benefit Is the Restroom
"The restroom is around the back of the building. It's the new model, so the facilities are excellent. And best of all, it's a restroom with separate men's and women's sections. That's the greatest benefit our guild has to offer."
"Ah, that restroom…."
Heh heh. A workplace with separate men's and women's restrooms, no less — that was honestly one of our little points of pride. I'd wrangled it out of the crown prince's commission through sheer effort, after all.
"Assistant Priest Cedric, your main duties will be helping Manager Susanna track down affairs, guiding visitors when they arrive, and agonizing over what to have for lunch."
"I beg your pardon? Did you say… lunch menus?"
"That's the most important task of all, so you'll need to put real care into it. Observe closely what the Guild Master likes to eat."
"……."
Cedric fell silent for a moment, then asked in a half-dazed tone, "Will I, by any chance, receive paid annual leave…?"
"Pardon? Where would you get that idea? This is a Workplace with Fewer than 5 Employees, you know?"
"Then what about the weekly rest allowance, or overtime pay?"
"Ha! As if anything like that would exist here!"
"…The labor conditions of a workplace with fewer than five employees are an evil of the empire, it seems."
An evil of the empire, even? Watching him go on about justice since earlier, I could tell he really did view the world through an enormously grand lens.
"Well then — any other questions?"
"…What is it that you do, Assistant Manager Audrette, if I may ask?"
"Oh, me?"
Whenever I did something wrong, I got hauled to the temple and chewed out. But since I couldn't mention that, I decided to boast about my single legitimate accomplishment instead.
"Now and then, when a big commission comes in, I'm the one who handles it. Just recently I closed two major cases and brought in a huge sum of money."
"If you bring in a huge sum, do you receive a performance bonus?"
"Have you been joking this whole time?"
"…That was a slip of the tongue."
Cedric stole a glance at my face, then pressed on. "Then how is it that you, Assistant Manager Audrette, are entrusted with such major work? This guild doesn't seem to have a well-established information network…."
"Naturally, that's thanks to my refined expertise. A true information guild operative can unearth information even in the most resource-starved environment."
"I see…."
"Well then, may I ask you a question?"
"Yes?"
"Why did you apply to this information guild?"
"Ah, that's…."
He fidgeted before answering. "I've always been very interested in information guilds. But I didn't have any suitable experience, so I ended up applying to a small place like this one…."
"I see. So a small place like us is where your information-guild career begins — not exactly an auspicious start…."
Ah, no. That's no way to talk to a new hire.
"But let's work hard together here from now on! This guild is only going to keep growing!"
"Thank you very much."
"Oh, and one more thing I'm curious about. The family-run company you worked at before — what kind of place was it?"
"A f-family-run company?"
His face turned visibly flustered in an instant.
"That family-run company had… a great many employees, but the hierarchy was absolutely brutal."
"I see."
"And there was, um, a lot of office politics…. When the CEO came to work, everyone would rise from their seats and greet him with full formality…."
A thoroughly ordinary company, bloated with hollow ceremony, then. Cedric must have suffered quite a bit. Feeling a pang of sympathy for his past, I simply gave his shoulder a pat.
"Oh — it's almost time. Assistant Priest Cedric, the hour has come to begin your most important duty!"
"You mean…."
"Time to pick the lunch menu!"
"……!"
His face went taut with tension. A moment later, he whispered to me, "Would it be possible for you to review my ideas before I commit to one?"
"Yes, I'll help you for the time being."
Can't have the new hire bolting for the door, after all.
"How about something safe, like a rib-eye steak?"
"You're joking, right? Who eats something that expensive for lunch?"
"…Then truffle potato gnocchi?"
"Truffle? If we're going that far, we might as well just boil a potato."
"Or perhaps a salmon ceviche?"
"Haah… Assistant Priest Cedric."
I heaved a deep sigh.
This was a problem. This new hire seemed like he'd listen well enough, but his judgment appeared a touch off. Then again, what kind of normal person would walk into a piece-of-crap small company like this of his own free will, even negotiating his salary *down* to get in?
After finishing lunch with the menu we'd settled on with my guidance, we had just stepped back into the office.
Once we'd each taken care of our personal upkeep — brushing teeth and so on — I struck up a conversation with Cedric.
"Assistant Priest Cedric, I'll give you the money, so go buy some coffee from outside, would you?"
"Coffee? But during the handover, the Guild Master said she hates…."
"Buy yourself one on your own dime, too, and she'll like it fine."
"…I see."
"There you go — take this and make the run."
I handed him my wallet. My precious, hard-earned money… But for the greater picture, I could endure this.
A short while later, Cedric appeared carrying four coffees. I inspected the drinks he'd brought with the eyes of a hawk.
No, wait a moment! I was just planning to nitpick, but this is genuinely, seriously wrong!
"Assistant Priest Cedric! What is the meaning of this?"
"Yes? Is there some sort of problem…?"
Anxiously, he double-checked the coffee he'd bought. "One americano for you, Assistant Manager Audrette, a signature latte for Manager Susanna, a chocolate latte for the Guild Master, and I bought the cheapest thing on the menu for myself…."
Up to that point, there wasn't a single flaw to find in the arrangement. The problem lay elsewhere.
"You should have gotten the stamp card! That place stamps coupons!"
"A… coupon?"
"Collect ten stamps and your americano is free!"
"Is that really so important?"
"Good grief, of course it is."
Exasperated, I unleashed a stirring speech upon him. "Even the price of a single americano is worth saving! Do you have any idea how expensive coffee is these days!"
"Ah — understood. I will bear it in mind from now on."
"Whew. There really is a lot I need to teach you. All right, enough of that — time to get down to actual work."
Shaking my head, I settled into my chair and gestured for him to take his seat.
"Now then, the Guild Master has instructed us to compile this quarter's commissions into a report. Twenty pages long."
"Understood. What is the deadline?"
"Before we clock out today, obviously."
"Pardon? There are only five hours left…."
"Which is why."
"……."
Strictly speaking, this was Susanna's work, but I'd decided to shovel it onto Cedric instead. Handsome or not, my own survival came first, and Susanna gave me a light wink in return. She wasn't foolish enough to take on overtime just to curry favor with a pretty face.
"But are there really enough commissions to fill twenty pages?"
"Nope? This quarter we've had exactly five. And I handled four of them."
"…Might two of those, by chance, have been commissioned by the same person?"
"Yes, correct! Oh? Looks like you did some studying earlier."
Demanding a twenty-page report, handwritten, within five hours, was simply too cruel. Time to dangle the carrot.
"Don't worry — I'll share a secret technique with you."
"There's a secret technique?"
"Set the font size big, and add illustrations partway through. The illustrations just need to be black-and-white sketches, roughly colored in."
"……?!"
Cedric's face went through a brief shock, then he nodded with grim resolve. "Understood."
Hmm. Still, I couldn't help worrying. While tending to my own work, I kept sneaking glances at how he was getting on.
"No, Assistant Priest Cedric!"
"Yes? Is the font too large? I set it to sixteen points per the imperial official typeface…."
"Sixteen points is far too small. Write it at thirty-two points!"
"Isn't that… not a report, but simply a children's picture book?"
"The Guild Master has presbyopia. It has to be at least that big."
"…Understood."
Looking oddly existentially defeated, he began writing in big, bold letters. Mmm, now it feels satisfying. At that size, he'll finish in time, no probl… wait just a moment!
"Assistant Priest Cedric! What in the world is that illustration supposed to be?"
"My apologies. I suppose my drawing skills really are rather poor…."
"No, you're supposed to draw it even MORE roughly than that! When you draw people, you use stick figures!"
"Er…? I'm fairly certain I drew better than that, even back when I *was* a child…."
"That is the standard of our guild."
Cedric pressed his lips shut. And then, wearing the face of a man who had given up denying reality, he began smoothly sketching out stick figures. Oh, look at that — the little rascal draws a perfectly straight line.
"If you ever need anything else going forward, just say the word. I'll help you out a lot!"
"Thank you very much, Assistant Manager Audrette…."