Fragments of Memory
The memory of my sister had been shattered into a chaotic mess, and part of that was because of my dreams. I would vaguely recall what happened inside those dreams and mistake them for real memories. It was the same this time. Even though I already knew my sister had left me. Even though I knew we could never meet again. Once more, I met her in a dream. It could only be a dream. I knew that, yet inside it, I was always the same—clinging to her hand. I demanded the affection and childish whining that our strict mother would never allow. I pestered her, craving it all without restraint.
My sister always looked down at me with gentle eyes. Even now that I was much taller than her... she was still as kind as ever. Before I knew it, we were at the sea. The sound of waves. The sound of wind. The soft rustle of sand slipping between our toes. The laughter of a brother and sister. Happy voices. The sun, the clouds—everything was both faint and vivid. It felt like we were wrapped in fog, yet the light that was my sister radiated a soft, warm glow toward me.
“Sister.”
I called her name, but the sound came out muffled and sank back into my stomach. It was suffocating and painful.
“Sister.” Again. Sister. Sister. The sister who once seemed like she would stay by my side forever began to drift away from me, little by little. Even though a wave crashing in from afar might swallow her, even though a strong wind might push her away, she simply... she simply moved farther from me.
“Sister!”
I clutched at my chest and called out to her. I would dig my nails in, tear my mouth and tongue apart—anything to keep her from leaving me. To make sure she could never abandon me again. My sister... my sister...
“Haa, haa, haa.”
When I opened my eyes, my heart was pounding violently. The funeral rites and the transport of the coffin were completely over, and I must have dozed off while sitting for a moment. Only after the scenery of the memorial hall I’d been staring at became fully familiar did my mind finally catch up to the situation.
Well, I guess I stayed up for three full days straight.
As sleepiness washed over me, the memory of the dream grew hazy. Soon, everything became confusing except for the fact that my sister had appeared. Maybe she still had something she wanted to say to me. I quietly stroked the memorial portrait of my sister that I held in my hands.
Don’t worry, sister. I’ll take good care of your daughter. I’ll use everything I have so you can rest peacefully in the afterlife.
By the way, where’s Yerin?
I rubbed my forehead and looked around urgently. What a pathetic bastard. Here I was, her uncle, not even thinking about looking after my own niece. How could my sister rest easy if I was acting like this?
Fortunately, my niece was dozing off just a short distance away, nodding her head the same way I had been. Her slightly parted lips let out soft, steady breaths as she wandered through dreamland. I thought about taking off her suit jacket for her, but I noticed that the top of her school uniform was already draped over my shoulder. I couldn’t imagine how she must have felt, taking off her clothes to cover her sleeping uncle...
My face grew hot. I couldn’t even lift my head.
Up we go.
I rose quietly from my seat so Yerin could sleep a little longer. The memorial hall where my sister now rested was the same one where my father had been enshrined. It had been my mother’s suggestion while we were debating where my sister should have her final resting place. Something about family staying close so they could find each other easily in the afterlife. If there was any comfort in that, it was that I had been able to show Yerin her grandfather’s face.
Father, please beat up my brother-in-law in my place.
If you were going to take my daughter with you, the least you could have done was make her happy for the rest of her life. Why did you have to take her so soon? I’ll watch over Yerin while she’s doing well, and when the time comes, I’ll follow and join you. Just like my sister, you were also disowned by the family, so... there’s no point in arguing about it now.
At this rate, brother-in-law, I won’t even be able to resent you properly.
If only we had met sooner and shared a drink together.
The sky was as gloomy as my heart. It looked like it might start pouring rain at any moment. I had been staring blankly outside when I heard movement behind me.
“Ah... um, I woke up and you weren’t there...”
Yerin, holding both my jacket and her own in an awkward bundle, bowed to me.
“Did you sleep a little?”
“Yes.”
“You look exhausted. It’ll be tough, but try to rest a bit when we get home.”
I fumbled around and pulled out the condolence money and the list I had received this time.
“And take a look at this. I checked the amounts and the names myself, but just in case. If you have an account you usually use, let me know. I’ll deposit it on the way.”
“Ah......”
Her hands trembled as she accepted the bag full of money. Because money carried the weight it did, both the one giving and the one receiving felt overwhelmed. Before I knew it, tears were welling up in my niece’s eyes.
“Grandmother insisted I shouldn’t give this money directly to her granddaughter, that either she or I should hold onto it... but I’m going to trust that my niece is a smart girl. Don’t waste this money on anything foolish. Use it only when you really need it in life.”
I gently wiped away her tears as I spoke firmly. This was the first time I’d ever dealt with something like this, so I wasn’t sure if I was handling it right, but I believed this was the correct thing to do.
“That doesn’t mean you should use it for college, though. Everyone around here is making a fuss about sending my niece to university. Grandmother, my... I mean, my girlfriend, and me too. Later, you can use it toward buying a house or for your wedding.”
There were also my sister’s insurance payout and documents to handle, among many other things. There was a lot I needed to explain, but first, I had to calm Yerin down.
“It’ll be hard... but I hope you remember that there are many people cheering for you, Yerin. There are the friends who came just yesterday. And our family too.”
I never imagined that comforting and soothing someone could be this difficult. Min-a always said out of habit that I would make a good father, but here I was, struggling to come up with even one warm word for my crying niece. What a joke.
Yerin roughly wiped her tears with the back of her hand and nodded.
“Yes. Thank you, Samchon.”
“And one last thing. Both your grandmother and I think it would be good if you lived with us at least until you become a college student. You might think you’re all grown up, but to adults, you’re still a child. We... don’t want to leave you home alone.”
For now, I’d send her to her grandmother. She was the type of woman who only knew how to nag, but she would take good care of her own granddaughter.
“Or your homeroom teacher seemed to be offering as well, so you could go there. Whatever is most comfortable for you, Yerin.”
“If I live together, does that mean living with you, Samchon?”
“Me?”
“Ah, no. Not just you. Not only with you. With you and Grandmother.”
“I live separately, so it would just be Grandmother. If that’s uncomfortable, the homeroom teacher is fine too. Friends are not an option. If you say you’re going to a friend’s house, I’ll stop you.”
I knew what kind of friends she had. Since she was my sister’s daughter, there was no way she would have turned out twisted, but I still warned her just in case.
“Why not friends? You saw them, Samchon. My friends.”
“They all seemed like good kids, but you never know. There might be other friends I don’t know about. If Grandmother is uncomfortable, go to your homeroom teacher.”
Seeing how affectionately she treated her students, I didn’t think she would mistreat my niece. I would also drop by from time to time to check if she was doing well.
“The teacher is fine.”
“Why? She seemed like a good person.”
“She’s not family. You’re here, Samchon, and so is Grandmother. Why would I...”
Family. That’s right. We are family.
Even though I was an uncle she had only met a few days ago, she still acknowledged me as family. How should I describe this feeling? My heart felt strangely full.
“Then can’t I stay at your place, Samchon?”
“My house?”
No matter how much she was my niece, bringing her into a single man’s home didn’t feel right. No matter how much I cherished her, there were people in the world who would look at it with needless prejudice.
For example, someone like my girlfriend.
“Grandmother is a little scary. Ah... she said she’s getting married. With that Sungmo.”
“She’s not Sungmo yet.”
“But it’s basically a done deal, isn’t it? What did Sungmo say?”
“Sungmo...”
“She says she doesn’t care. Honestly, it’s weird that she even gets a say. Who is she to decide?”
It was the first time since meeting the woman named Min-a that I had gone against her.
“Really?”
“Of course. Honestly, even if she complained, it wouldn’t be Sungmo who has the right to say anything—it would be the bank. Half that house belongs to the bank.”
“What? Then the two of us might get kicked out by the bank.”
“It’s not that bad.”
“Hey, Samchon, you’re using casual speech.”
“It’s fine, isn’t it? I’m your uncle.”
I could clearly picture her about to say something else, about to tease me again. Even though I could see it coming, the sight of my niece looking happy made none of it matter anymore.
Because Yerin is happy.
To someone who had been living meaninglessly, powerless, a person had finally appeared who I needed to make happy.
“Then I want to go to your house, Samchon. Your house should be fine, right? It’s not like there’s only one room.”
“Don’t worry. There’s a room for you.”
“What about Sungmo? What will she do?”
“She lives alone in a house several times bigger than mine, so don’t worry. She’s been pestering me to move in with her while renting out this place.”
“Then why don’t you?”
“Just... it feels burdensome.”
“So Samchon is full, huh?”
“Well, that’s why I can take you with me. If you go to Grandmother’s, she’ll nag you every day.”
My niece handed the bag back to me. It was heavy, so she wanted me to carry it. It felt like we had grown a little closer. Like I could finally act like a proper uncle.