Like Mother, Like Daughter
When I watch Samchon, I get so frustrated. What’s the word for it? Good-girl syndrome? That’s exactly what it feels like. He can never raise his voice, never push back. He just does whatever Grandma and that woman tell him to do. Even with us, it’s the same. I’m the one involved, and I’m telling him it’s fine. I’m giving him permission to do whatever he wants with me. We already know how we feel about each other, yet he keeps hesitating, hovering at a distance and only stealing glances at his niece. We’re already a total mess, Samchon. Idiot. Once you’ve fallen into the swamp, why are you panicking over your wet feet? You’ve already been dragged under. And now I can’t turn my heart back either. I like Samchon. I’ve become a fool who knows nothing but him. In that sense, mother and daughter really are identical. Loving someone we’re not supposed to love.
My father was a promising young professor, Mom used to say. Excellent research results, a long list of published papers. Everyone acknowledged that he showed incredible potential at a young age. The only problem was… he was a married man. Mom often told me she thought she’d been drawn to a man like him because her own father—our grandfather—had died early. His gentle nature, the way he seemed so family-oriented. So she got greedy. She wanted him all to herself. And of course, an entire family collapsed. A talented professor became a shameless adulterer sleeping with his student. The promising student became the fox who seduced a married man. Everyone pointed fingers at them. After I was conceived in Mom’s belly, the contempt grew even worse. But they said they truly loved each other. Sincerely. Even if he could never stand at a lectern again. Even if family and the whole world cursed them. As long as they had each other, they were happy. Because of me, Mom was happy. She was glad I existed. I was the proof of their love, and raising me together with Dad brought her unimaginable joy. The fruit of their love.
Perhaps… no. Of course. Samchon once told me I was exactly like Mom. It’s natural for a daughter to resemble her mother, but to be identical in personality and behavior too… Don’t ask me why I like him. There’s no neat formula for why one person falls for another. I just like Samchon. My heart races when I see him. I feel happy. It isn’t some childish crush. It’s just… my heart keeps drifting toward him. When I’m next to Samchon, I find the courage to keep living no matter how hard things get.
When I throw a tantrum, Samchon lies down beside me until I fall asleep. After we confirmed our feelings, he seemed to try to avoid sharing the bed on purpose… but I told him I hated that. I said he had to stay next to me. That I couldn’t sleep at all when he was far away. That I tossed and turned all night in misery. I even threw fits saying if I failed the exam it would be entirely his fault, so he’d grumble but still offer his arm. Use it as a pillow. He acts like he can’t sleep without me either. The man only listens once he’s good and frustrated. I just want us to stick close together, but he’s so dense. Anyway! We climb into the same bed, tossing and turning. I pretend to adjust my position and burrow into his arms, and his scent surrounds me. It’s somehow warm and cozy. The longer I breathe it in… the safer I feel. I don’t know if every man in the world smells like that. It’s the first time I’ve been held against a man’s chest since Dad used to carry me on his back when I was little… but the two of them have a similar scent. It calms my mind and makes me strangely languid. Sleep comes easier. That constant feeling of safety. When I cling to Samchon like that, he falls asleep first. He must be exhausted from the company; his breathing grows soft and even, sweet little puffs near my head. Then, carefully, I reach out and stroke the sleeping Samchon. His straight nose, just lightly. Everyone in our family has one. Mom said our grandfather was very handsome and had a great nose. She said even her younger brother had a pretty nose from a young age. Then his red lips, just a brush of my fingers. We’ve touched those before, lightly. Maybe he’s restraining himself; Samchon only lets our lips meet for the briefest moment before pulling away. But someday. Someday we’ll do more than that. My first kiss, my first everything… all with Samchon.
Suddenly I feel irritated. If only Samchon and I had met earlier. I know the age gap makes that impossible… but I can still be jealous, can’t I? What about that woman? What was it like between Samchon and her? They were lovers, after all. She’s insanely good at wagging her tail and latching onto him, the slut. They must have kissed. Maybe even more. She’s an annoying bitch who only has money, but she’s drowning in it. Maybe she threatened Samchon with it. Tried to control him however she wanted. I can tell just by seeing how that not-even-that-pretty, foul-tempered woman stays by his side. My Samchon is so precious. It has to be because of money. If it were just him supporting me, taking care of Grandma, and saving for himself, it wouldn’t be a small amount. If it weren’t for me, Samchon wouldn’t have to worry about her at all… It’s so frustrating. He could throw a woman like her away anytime, but the money makes it hard. That damn money. If it weren’t for the money, we could do whatever we wanted. Samchon’s conscience must be bothering him. In some ways he’s a timid person. Even if his niece gives permission, even if his heart wants it, something decisive inside him won’t allow it. As for loyalty to that woman—throw it out. Loyalty? Their relationship is already ruined; he’s just making up excuses to try to patch it together. Now the one holding Samchon’s heart is me. I have no intention of allowing anything else, and it pisses me off. All those cozy stories with his ex. That’s why I’m frustrated.
Samchon should just take her money and be done with it. Our relationship can stay ours. If we meet in secret, no one will know. Who in the world would… suspect us? It’s not like Samchon is taking her money for free. He works hard for it. All he does is company work. I’ve never seen him rest. He goes in on weekends if needed. And from what I can tell, he occasionally plays the loving partner for her too. Samchon has already given that woman and her household more than enough service. He doesn’t need to watch his step anymore… He just has to follow his heart. All he needs to do is realize who he truly loves. All he needs to do is accept that it’s me.
Touch. While Samchon is asleep, I press my lips to his. As expected. When he’s sleeping, my heart doesn’t pound like it does when he’s awake. It just feels soft, warm. It doesn’t make me so restless I can’t stay still. That woman has done it plenty. She dared to paw at my Samchon and play with him as she pleased. From now on I’ll be with Samchon far more than she ever was. She’s already had her turn. So I’m allowed to be greedier. It’s not jealousy. I’m simply taking back what’s mine. While Samchon sleeps, secretly. I’ll press my lips to his more, cling to his chest more, breathe in his scent more. I’ll hang on his arm more, tell him I love him more. While I’m with Samchon. While I spend my whole life with Samchon.
Samchon. I already told you. There isn’t much time left. After the Suneung is over, while you’re happily looking at the mock results, I’ll say it clearly, enunciating each syllable so you won’t forget. I’m turning twenty soon. When I become an adult… no matter what I do to you, there won’t be any problem. Because I want it. You just have to accept it. Once I’m twenty, I can throw all that guilty conscience nonsense away. I kiss his cheek because his startled little flinch is cute. I’m just telling you to keep it in mind, but Samchon acts like I might jump him any second. I’m not that bad. If that bitch acts like a slut, I’ll behave like a princess. If she threatens him with money, I’ll persuade him with love. He’s mine anyway. But I can’t have him yet. It’ll take time. Time for this love to bear solid fruit. For us… to confirm each other’s hearts completely.
Samchon said that once the exam was over it would be fine, but I know those are just words. I know he doesn’t actually hate falling asleep with me. He’s only looking for reasons to run away because he’s scared of how deep our relationship is becoming. That’s why I don’t need to feel hurt by his stupid excuses like some fool. “Samchon. Just… stop complaining and stay by my side. The exam ending doesn’t mean everything’s over. We still have a long time until I get my acceptance.”
After that, I became more blatant. I’d cling to his chest even though he wasn’t asleep yet. I’d wrap my arms tightly around him. I’d rub my cheek against his chest. I’d stroke his face for no reason. I’d tease him while he squirmed in discomfort. And then we’d fall asleep in each other’s arms. Just a little longer and I’ll be twenty. Just a little longer… and no one will be able to say anything about my love.
But… that damn bitch. She came wagging her tail at Samchon again. This time she says it’s to celebrate my passing. No one invited her, but she’s showing up unannounced at the house where Samchon and I live.