Utterly Merciless
Mercilessly. Utterly mercilessly, my niece talks about me. She saw through her samchon long ago. How contradictory I am. What a pathetic fool I am. And like the clever girl she is...
“Please, just don’t talk about guilt. Of course, when I look at you, Samchon… you do seem a bit stupid. Like someone who’s never even jaywalked once in their life.”
She dismantles every excuse I’d come up with, one by one.
“But no matter what, if you’re going to use guilt as an excuse, you should never have confessed your feelings in the first place. You said you don’t see me as your niece anymore. You said you see me as a woman. If you hadn’t said those words, I wouldn’t have held onto any hope. I would have made up my mind to stay as nothing more than a normal uncle and niece.”
She erases every hiding place I have left. She leaves me nowhere to stand. She strips away every way I could hide my heart, forcing me to face nothing but the truth.
“At the very least, admit it. That woman disgusts you. Looking at her face is torture. Does my accent sound too strong? Then I’ll soften it a little. I’m better than her.”
So now I have to decide. What kind of desire I’ve been harboring. What I’m going to do with it. If I want to stop, I should do it as quickly as possible—before we destroy each other any further. But if I want to continue? If I want to keep feeling this way about my niece… if I want to possess her…
I couldn’t say a single word. I simply pressed my lips together and hung my head. I couldn’t meet her eyes. I needed to answer. She was waiting.
“Samchon.”
She calls my name. The hand that had been stroking my head slowly slides down. Even now I can’t look at her. The fingers that had been tracing idle patterns along my skin now toy with my ear. Then my cheek. Finally they brush across the reddened skin beneath my eyes.
“Samchon.”
She calls me again, wearing the expression of a cat staring at a mouse.
“Look at me.”
No matter what she says, I remain frozen. I don’t want to show her my twisted, ugly face. I don’t want to meet those eyes that see straight through me.
I threw a childish tantrum. Don’t look at me. No matter how pathetic an uncle I might be… to you… I don’t want to show my crying face. I don’t want to look this miserable in front of you.
“Samchon. It’s okay. We’re allowed to be sad together. We’re allowed to cry as much as we want. You can show those things only to me. Your struggling face. Your suffering face. Just like I have only you, Samchon… you have only me too. Right?”
She lifts my chin. Our eyes meet. It feels like I’ll be sucked straight into them. If I keep staring, I won’t be able to think. I won’t be able to move. I’ll simply be devoured by her. The moment we stop being uncle and niece, the moment we stop being human—
“Answer me. Tell me you have only me.”
“Yerin-ah.”
I try to turn my head, but my body refuses to obey.
“Tell me you know only me. That you’re only holding onto that woman for money. You can fix it now. Right? Say it. Not just for me… but for your own sake too, Samchon.”
The touch of a girl whose head barely reaches my shoulder.
“You’re struggling too, aren’t you? It would be easier for both of us if you just admitted it. Our real feelings. Okay?”
Even though I could easily push her away with strength alone, I remain paralyzed, as if bound by invisible chains.
“We… we might be mistaken. We’ve both been through so much pain. Maybe we’re confusing our affection for each other with love.”
“Samchon. I’m not an idiot. I know the difference between loving someone and pitying them.”
I want to beg her. Please stop looking at me. Don’t steal what’s left of my reason. Don’t make me want to pin you down. Don’t make me crave your lips, make me want to claim every part of you. It’s fine if we can’t be normal uncle and niece anymore. It would be better if we hated each other with all our hearts. For the sake of family loyalty. For the guilt I feel toward my sister. And above all, for Mina… Yes. For Mina…
Is she really the one I truly want?
Our lips hover so close they nearly touch. We breathe each other’s air. I exhale and she inhales. She exhales and I inhale.
“But. But…”
“Haa… Fine. I understand.”
My desperate resistance must have worked; she finally releases me. The places her fingers touched burn like fire. I hadn’t done anything, yet my breathing comes fast and shallow, startling even myself. When I snap back to my senses, my heart is pounding so violently it feels like it might explode.
“I get it now, Samchon. What you’re so afraid of. You really are a coward. How did someone like you manage to confess your feelings to me? You couldn’t sleep at night, could you? Because of me. Because you were too busy thinking about me. That’s how people end up like penders.”
“……I’m sorry. I have no excuse.”
“If you know that, then treat me better. If it’s this hard for you, Samchon, let’s do this instead.”
She plops down beside me. We’re usually so close she practically clings to me, but now there’s enough space between us for a fist to fit.
“After the Suneung. Once the results are out, we’ll talk about it properly then. We’ll figure out exactly what our feelings are. If we give ourselves time to reflect, we’ll know for sure—whether this is love or just pity.”
She steps closer. Her hair sways and brushes against my face.
“You’ll at least allow me that much, won’t you? I’m not asking you to decide right this second. Like you said, we might be mistaken. Let’s do it this way. I won’t make things difficult for you anymore either.”
“……Alright.”
Did I just buy myself some time?
We hadn’t reached any real conclusion, but maybe this was enough. Still… What the hell do I actually want?
I’m terrified of our relationship becoming twisted, yet the thought of my niece finding another man is something I could never allow. If she goes to college and falls for someone who isn’t her samchon, could I really smile and let her go? No matter how much I think about it, I know I couldn’t. Even this imaginary person who doesn’t even exist yet makes my nerves flare with jealousy.
Wanting to have her feels wrong. But the idea of someone else taking her fills me with rage.
My contradictions are boiling over so fiercely it’s disgusting.
“I was worried about the Suneung before, but after seeing how you’re acting, Samchon, I’m actually looking forward to it. Once it’s over, our situation will become much clearer too.”
“……Haha.”
My face stays completely blank; only my voice forces out a hollow laugh.
“Samchon. But you know this, right? Time moves faster than you think. The Suneung will be here before you know it, and most importantly… once it’s over, I’ll be twenty years old.”
She pats my shoulder and stands up.
“I’m going to study now. I need to work hard and get good scores. Later when I succeed, I’ll take care of you, Samchon. So don’t worry and just relax.”
“Thank you. I’ll be counting on my niece’s support in the future.”
“Mmm. By the way, Samchon, what are you going to do tonight? If you want… I could sleep with you. Like before. You can’t sleep without me anyway.”
She clasps her hands together, closes her eyes, and mimics a sleeping pose.
“Stop messing around and go study.”
“I am going to study. Adults are always like this. When someone tries to study, they tell them to study. When they’re about to do homework, they ask why they haven’t started yet. Samchon, when you’re resting at the company and finally try to get back to work, doesn’t it annoy you when someone orders you to do it?”
Instead of answering, I ruffle her hair roughly. The strands fly wildly, turning into a complete bird’s nest.
“What are you doing? It’s ruined. I made it pretty on purpose so I wouldn’t lose face in front of that woman.”
Watching her puff out her cheeks and huff, I poke her face with my finger. She makes a sound like air leaking from a balloon and blows her breath at me, as if telling me to look at her. When I poke her cheek again, she huffs once more.
“This samchon is going to get in big trouble. Where in the world is there an uncle who touches his niece so carelessly?”
“Look who’s talking.”
“What about me?”
“You’ve been kneading your samchon like rice cake this whole time. If you took my fingerprints right now, they’d all be yours.”
“Isn’t that a weird way to phrase it? How does comforting a crying samchon turn into that kind of interpretation? Should I have just left you sobbing then?”
When I squeeze her cheek with a little more pressure, she complains that it hurts. When I press my finger against her lips for acting so cheeky, she finally settles down.
“Anyway, what are you going to do? I know you can’t sleep, so stop being stubborn and come. It’s hard for me to sleep without you too. I feel uneasy leaving you alone out here. The sofa’s uncomfortable. It’s cold, too.”
“Alright. I’ll come.”
“Really? You promise you’ll come? Then I’ll clean up the room.”
“What do you mean? You should at least keep your room clean to live in it. How old are you?”
“Hmm… That’s true. How old am I that my samchon still treats me like a child? Well, whatever. We’ve made a promise now. As time passes, everything will be decided, right? How we’ll see each other from now on. Just so you know, sleeping together might be difficult then. When you use your arm as my pillow, I won’t know what kind of perverted thoughts you’re having while holding me.”
She really is a fox. A total fox. She never yields even a single word to her samchon. Why can’t I ever stand my ground against her? Even if I can’t be a dependable uncle, I should at least preserve some adult dignity—someone she can turn to when she’s struggling. Yet every single time, I end up completely flustered.