A Man Worse Than Trash
"Good morning, Assistant Manager Kim."
"Ah... yes."
I wonder what her father said to her. Min-a's face as she arrives at work is bright and cheerful. Even though our relationship is no longer a secret that needs hiding and everyone already knows, she pours especially thick affection into the way she addresses me. So much that it becomes burdensome for anyone listening. Soon she'll probably let it slip to those few gossip lovers, and in a few days the entire company will know about the marriage.
'Marriage, huh.'
I always knew it would happen someday, but what am I supposed to say... It doesn't feel real, as if this has nothing to do with me. For Min-a's sake, and for my own. I need to steel myself.
'And... for my niece's sake as well.'
I have to snap out of it. If not for anyone else, then for my niece. Otherwise what the hell am I even doing? Am I really going to lay my hands on my own niece? Will I only be satisfied once she's underneath me, moaning? I'm worse than trash.
What about your sister in heaven? What about your brother-in-law? How will you ever face your mother? In the end it only proves I took my niece away just to commit something vile. These feelings are filthy.
I should stop now, before it becomes impossible to turn back.
Yet for some reason my mind stays hazy. I know I can't accomplish anything in this floating state, but I keep wearing this stupid expression and failing to focus. Slapping my own cheeks or rubbing the back of my neck does nothing. As I continue struggling, a voice calls out.
"Assistant Manager Kim. Are you feeling all right?"
Min-a speaks from behind me.
"Why suddenly?"
Caught in guilty thoughts, I flinch hard without meaning to. Cold sweat seems to bead along the back of my neck.
"It's nothing. You've been restless since earlier. You're usually so serious, so I thought something might be wrong. If you need the bathroom, go ahead. It's not like I'd stop you."
She says it like a joke, but I'm in no mood to play along. Because of the sin weighing on me, even her innocent actions feel like thorns in my side. Somehow they grate. Somehow they sound offensive.
"Nothing's wrong. It's really nothing."
I should step outside and breathe some fresh air. Thinking it would at least change my mood, I rise from my seat, and Min-a immediately follows, sticking close.
"Aren't you working?"
"What about you, Assistant Manager Kim?"
"I've been sitting and working until now, so let's rest our butts a little."
"Then I'll have to follow. Until I spoke to you, Assistant Manager Kim, I was just staring holes into the monitor."
When we reach the break room, it's just the two of us. In the company we don't need to worry about being overheard during personal talk.
'I can already guess what she'll bring up...'
"Have you completely settled on a date now?"
I sigh. Of course. The marriage talk again.
"That's right. We can't keep talking about it vaguely forever."
I do my best to appear calm, forcing a casual expression. Pretending to be happy I've been chosen by you. Pretending to be glad. Pretending to wait joyfully for the marriage that is the fruit of our love. My conscience stabs like a needle. I can't hold my head high in front of my niece or Min-a. I'm simply a piece of trash. I can only tear myself down as someone who deserves to die.
"Dad was so happy. He said his son-in-law has finally made up his mind. He told me not to feel too slighted. Someone like you would have had plenty of women eager to say yes, so it's natural to feel conflicted about marriage."
Min-a slips her arm through mine. She seems to have mistaken the self-mocking smile born of my self-loathing for one of joy. Beaming, she continues happily.
"You're really saying that because you don't know, right? You only have me. What other woman is there? Why would she talk about her own son-in-law that way? I almost told Mom everything so she could scold her."
"Haha......"
What would happen if I told you the truth? That my real feelings aren't like that at all. That at some point my niece took over the deepest part of my heart in your place. Whether it's lingering attachment to the sister who left me, or this repulsive desire. Whatever the reason, it's twisted beyond repair and I can't accept you.
"Anyway, we need to start preparing. Deciding on a date isn't the end of it. We have to find a venue, look at dresses, and check photography studios."
"Why prepare so early? The ceremony is next spring anyway. We can take our time looking and deciding."
"Jiho! You really don't understand. Popular places book up fast. I'm worried it'll be too late even if we start now. That's men for you."
Min-a chatters excitedly about everything she's arranged. The talk with Dad is finished. Of course an extravagant wedding like those of chaebols or celebrities is impossible, but we've been allowed the best venue our circumstances permit. The dress will cost this much, the ceremonial gifts that much.
"Wait, wait. What costs how much?"
The staggering numbers that refuse to register at once fly past my ears. They say it's a once-in-a-lifetime wedding, but a lavish ceremony doesn't guarantee two people will live happily forever. The sorrow of the poor. With that money, rather than— Instead of making it so extravagant, if we used it somewhere else.
"Don't worry. I only got rough estimates. We can discuss and adjust everything before we finalize."
"Even if we adjust, the first digits won't change. How on earth are we supposed to come up with that kind of money?"
"What do you mean, how? Unless it's some half-hearted ceremony at a neighborhood hall, this is what you have to expect. Besides, it's not all on you. Dad said he'd help, so why are you like this?"
"Enough, enough. Scale it back. That ridiculously expensive hotel wedding hall you mentioned—do something about that too. One wedding doesn't require tearing up the foundation."
"I told you we're handling everything. It's already been discussed with Dad. We didn't choose a place like that to burden you, Jiho. Please stop worrying and just focus on the wedding."
"How can I not feel burdened? Marriage is between two people. No matter how poor our family is, does this make sense? Am I just being sold off?"
"Your wording is strange, Jiho. Sold off?"
"It's not wrong. Ask any employee in the company and they'll all know. That I'm this family's matrilocal son-in-law."
I mustn't forget. That I have no voice. Knowing there's not even a speck I can decide for myself, I only end up with a sore mouth for nothing. In an instant the atmosphere turns cold. Far from a change of mood, the back of my neck grows stiff again. Suddenly I wanted to see my niece's face. I wonder what she's doing right now. Is her studying going well? Just what wish does she want to ask me for?
'No. I can't be like this.'
Why did I decide to go through with this marriage? So I wouldn't waver over my niece anymore. So I could settle my own heart, I need to do this properly. Stop paying attention. Stop agonizing.
"Min-a. It's... you know it too. That our family... compared to yours... isn't exactly well-off."
To her glaring at me with our arms linked, I stammer out the words.
"Even if I try not to feel inferior, it's hard. The way your father and mother treat me so well. Your love too... it's difficult to accept without any burden. I feel like someone who can't give you anything."
"Come on. Who says that?"
"Just. Me. My own heart."
"Sigh. You idiot. I thought you were smart, but you're just a fool. Who told you to care about things like that?"
Pat, pat. Min-a pulls me into her arms and rubs my back. It seems my tangled excuses and true feelings somehow reached her the right way.
For some reason I can already picture our married life. When two people from completely different stations live together. When I, a mass of inferiority, live with Min-a, who bristles with self-confidence, will there truly be no problems?
"No one in our family says anything like that. Rather, everyone feels reassured. They say our thoughtless daughter has finally matured after meeting a reliable son-in-law."
"But......"
"If Dad's help burdens you, just treat me that much better. Or work harder at the company. It's all ours anyway. The company is mine. And since I'm yours, Jiho."
Even as I try to return her embrace, my arms refuse to move. Liar. Liar. A disgusting liar hiding his true heart. A pathetic liar busy only with concealing the truth.
"Jiho, now that I know your true feelings, I feel good too. Dad was worried, but you really do your job well. He just says you don't assert yourself enough. It's fine if you're going to quit after living as a salaryman, but someday you'll have to take over the company after him. It would be troublesome if you're still like that then."
"What, that's subtly unfilial. Your father is still so healthy."
"He always says he wants to hand it over quickly and go on a cruise with Mom. I told him to promote you soon. Next year you'll be Manager. Later Director. Then President, and you'll change too."
"Just advertise that I'm a parachute hire."
"If someone parachutes in like you, Jiho... they'd say it's like airborne troops or special forces. And you know... can I stop by your place this evening?"
"Why?"
"Why not? Can't I visit your house? It's nothing else. I have a favor to ask your niece."
Min-a's expression is bright. On the contrary, I have no idea what face I'm making.