The Secret (2)
The sound of the shower comes and goes over my eardrums, muffled by the blanket. Then the rustle of someone struggling into clothes. The door opens and shuts. Damp footsteps pad closer—thud, thud—until they reach my bed.
“Ah, that feels good…. Jia-ya. You’re still awake, right?”
“….”
“Since you’re up, I’ll just dry my hair real quick~.”
My heart feels ready to explode. Hinami stands there drying her hair under the single stand light, and for the first time in my life she looks terrifying.
…What the hell is this, really. I’ve heard rumors about the older members two-timing, but never anything about them sleeping with multiple people at once.
“Haa…. Ah. Messages….”
Even after doing something like that, Hinami casually reaches for the phone she left on the table. Her voice cuts off. A tiny snort follows. The phone clacks back onto the table, she finishes drying her short hair, and then she dives straight into bed with me.
“Hey, Seo Jia! Why are you pretending to sleep?”
“….”
…Did she catch me? Did she realize I saw? That I know her secret?
“Still faking it, huh? Eit, eit.”
“…Cut it out.”
…Maybe she didn’t. She’s always been careless. She probably didn’t even notice one notification disappearing.
“You were awake the whole time, so why keep pretending?”
“…I’m sleepy. Seriously.”
She turns off the stand light. The room goes pitch black. She lies down at a careful distance. The only sounds are fabric brushing skin and blanket. Noises I never used to notice when we shared a dorm.
“…Asleep? Jia-ya.”
“I told you I’m sleepy.”
“C’mon. I wanted to chat after so long.”
But those ordinary little sounds keep scraping at my ears. …Even when my friend was rolling around with my sister’s boyfriend, these same sounds must have filled the room. Maybe my sister was here too.
“Huu…. Ah, I’m gonna step out for some air.”
“…Going to smoke your vape?”
“I quit. …It wasn’t doing it for me anymore.”
Is that why she sounds so calm about quitting? She used to ignore every warning I gave her about getting caught. Now even that kind of petty rebellion isn’t enough.
“….”
Hinami slips out of bed, grabs her phone, and leaves the room. Maybe she’s contacting him. At this hour. Close enough to send those kinds of photos. Maybe they’re having some secret dirty talk right now. …The thought makes my chest feel heavy. I’ve watched how hard Hinami worked to get here. She’s not the kind of girl who’d fall for just any guy. I know that. The fans know that.
“Mm…. What. …You really asleep?”
“….”
“Guess not. …Then let’s talk, Jia-ya.”
She’s back quickly. This time she lies facing my back and pokes my shoulder—tuk, tuk.
“…Jia, have you ever dated anyone?”
“Hey, you—!”
“What? Why so shocked? …Dating isn’t that big a deal.”
…She’s so careless she didn’t even notice I peeked. Now she’s bragging about it.
“Idols aren’t allowed to date or something? …Everyone does it. As long as you don’t get caught, it’s fine.”
Words I can’t agree with. Values that clash with mine.
“Is it… because you like someone?”
“…What if I do?”
“That’s…, well….”
“Actually, I’m already seeing someone. …Who it is is a secret, though.”
She sounds like a girl in love—shy, nothing like her usual self.
“Well, I’m famous, so we can’t really go on dates…. …But we can still meet at home.”
“…So that’s why you moved out of the dorm.”
“If it wasn’t for that, then what? They tell us to handle our own privacy. Once you’ve got enough seniority, you’re supposed to be careful and not get caught.”
Like any ordinary person. Idol image be damned.
“You should try dating too, Jia. …Having someone you can secretly talk to about everything makes things way less exhausting. Work feels more fun, too.”
“…I don’t need that.”
“You only say that because you’ve never tried it. …Having your boyfriend come hug you after a long schedule—do you know how happy that feels…?”
“Hey.”
“What? …Sex is fine too. I’m an adult.”
“….”
She drags that photo I never wanted to see back into my mind.
“He’s…, really big, you know? Tall, lots of muscle. Down there too…, huge. Honestly, it was a little scary at first….”
“….”
A world I know nothing about. Something I can’t argue against.
“…It was way more intense than I expected. I was surprised. It was my first time…. He was gentle, so it didn’t hurt.”
“….”
“And during it feels good, obviously…. But after, when you’re both exhausted and just looking at each other and laughing, or kissing…. That part is really nice. …Ah, and sitting on his lap with no clothes on, or showering together. That feels amazing too. You can feel his body heat, his muscles are hard but his skin is soft….”
I can’t scold her. Not when her voice is so happy. I have no right to dismiss something I’ve never experienced.
“…Hinami.”
“Yeah?”
“Do you… really like him?”
“Yeah…. Yeah, I do.”
“….”
…But pretending not to know feels too indecent. Too shameless. Too wrong.
“…We met yesterday too. There’s a place we can go without being seen. We met there and…. did it again. Had sex.”
“…”
“Ah, I’m using proper contraception, okay? You’re on the pill too, right? Since we’re in our active period.”
If the man weren’t my sister’s boyfriend, I could have treated this like any other friend’s first-love story. I could have let it go.
“I’m not stupid enough to get pregnant by accident, so don’t worry. Jia-ya. …The older members change boyfriends all the time and nothing happens.”
“….”
“Fans already assume we have boyfriends anyway. As long as we don’t get caught, it’s fine.”
“…That’s not the point.”
“Hm?”
If she weren’t my groupmate, I could have brushed this off as just another dirty entertainment-industry story.
“Not getting caught doesn’t mean it wasn’t wrong, Hinami.”
“…Wrong? Me?”
“At least while we’re promoting…. I think we shouldn’t.”
“Why?”
I don’t believe that ridiculous line about living only for the fans. Still, the reason I became this famous, the reason I could rise this high, is because fans found something charming in me. Whether they see me as an idol or feel some kind of pseudo-romance toward the young, pretty version of me—either way.
“Jia, you’re really straight-laced. …Is it because you’ve never been in love?”
“Hey….”
“If you met someone good, you’d change your mind. …Ah, what about Manager Oppa? He’s obviously into you.”
“Hinami.”
So at least I wanted to keep some ordinary sense of right and wrong. Because I don’t think I could live with that kind of guilt. I don’t want to sing about love to fans who spend their money and time on me while my lips still taste like another man’s kiss.
“See? You’re getting serious too. Manager Oppa is nice and sincere, but he’s not attractive, so of course you’re not interested.”
…But.
“If you meet someone actually charming, your thoughts will flip. …No matter how bad he seems, you’ll still be drawn in. You’ll want to be held. Pinned down. Kissed.”
I’m not clean enough to laugh off her sincere, shameless words as a joke.
“You act like you care about fans, but you frown every time you read comments on your fancams. At fan meetings, if a sweaty fan gets close, you look so uncomfortable.”
“….”
Because I hate it too. The idiots who can’t even eat properly and still pant over my chest during choreography. My own fans who push through crowds reeking of sweat just to grin at me. The manager who pretends to be the most sincere, nicest guy but whose eyes always drop to my thighs. I hate all of them.
…Other people have probably done the same things. Even that man I hate looked me over the first time he saw me. When I tell myself I hate it, it’s my fans who come to mind first.
“If you live too stiffly, you’ll explode one day. …Live a little looser, like me and the unnies. Jia-ya. Nothing motivates you like love.”
“…Shut up.”
“Fine, fine. I’ll stop talking. …Let’s sleep.”
Her naked body, happily chattering about that grotesque relationship. His naked body, shamelessly excited between my friend and my sister. Both images keep circling in my head, whispering the same thing.
…You’re no different from us.