Submission (3)
The sleeveless, patternless H-line long dress. The cardigan he’d tossed over saying it would be cold. The red choker that could almost pass for fashion. And the thing that couldn’t even pretend to be an accessory—a black collar.
“Hurry up.”
“It’s a walk. We should take it slow.”
If not for the collar, the outfit wouldn’t have looked strange at all. I wore similar things at home sometimes, and occasionally outside too.
“Haah…”
“What? I put you in decent clothes. Did you want something sluttier? A skirt short enough to show your panties…?”
“I get it, so just… stop.”
It only revealed my figure a little. Especially since I wasn’t even allowed to wear underwear underneath.
“Huu.”
We rode the elevator down, just the two of us. Slowly. Staying out of sight. I matched his stride as best I could, keeping the collar hidden against his body, and we stepped outside.
“It’s been a while since I went to the gym. My body feels surprisingly light.”
I wanted to tell him to shut up right then, but I knew if I did he’d only do something even more obvious, so I kept my mouth closed. All I could do was keep pace with him.
Down a dimly lit path. Into a deserted back alley.
“Maybe I should take a real break from the gym. It’s such a hassle.”
“Stop bullshitting. Kang Juhyuk, I know exactly how much you obsess over your body.”
“That was because… I was still playing baseball until last year. If I wanted to eat, I had to at least do that. Even though I can’t even throw the ball anymore.”
In the dark night street, he wore an oddly bitter expression that didn’t suit him at all. I simply played along.
“Haeun, you already know this, don’t you? If I wanted to find a team, I could. I’d only get the league minimum, though.”
“So what?”
“Even a guy like me whose shoulder is completely destroyed with no hope of recovery—there are still scouts who remember that one good year I had a few years back and want to roll the dice.”
I couldn’t tell if he was angry, regretful, or simply pitiful. The look on his face was impossible to read.
“Pretty stupid, right? Clinging to something that’s never going to work.”
It sounded like he was talking about me from not long ago. Or maybe he was talking about himself. Either way, he was opening up in a way that left me unsure how to respond.
“In that sense, I wasn’t that stubborn. After a few years of rehab, I realized it wasn’t happening and quit cold. Still… baseball. I gave it over ten years of my life.”
“What are you trying to say?”
“I’m not trying to say anything specific. Just… venting. To you.”
I had no idea what I was supposed to reply. Should I say I was sorry? Tell him to stay strong? Ask what he planned to do now? I wasn’t sure if someone wearing a collar around her neck even had the right to ask those things.
“Maybe I’ll use the money I saved and open a gym.”
“Suddenly…?”
“Haven’t you noticed lately? Membership has basically doubled since you started coming.”
“I did notice.”
“It’s all because of you. Honestly, if I just keep you, I don’t think the place would fail. Trainers? I know so many good ones I’d have to turn people away.”
He stopped abruptly and started laying out a plan that didn’t sound completely unrealistic. I didn’t know whether to tell him it was a good idea. Whether I had any right to involve myself in his future.
“I might need to take out a loan. Seems like I’m a little short.”
“Are you asking me to lend you money…?”
“That’s never going to happen, so don’t get any strange ideas. Besides, you don’t have any money anyway.”
If it worked out, would that mean he had the right to involve himself in my life too? The same way he was tugging on this collar right now?
“And if I have a gym, there are lots of things I could try. On closed days, want to film some content? I’ll make a separate channel. Women working out is popular these days.”
“You’re seriously thinking about doing this?”
“Of course I’m serious. Did you think I’d just roll around in bed with you at home for the rest of my life?”
Was it really okay to tie our lives together like this? Once we were bound, there would be no undoing it.
“It’s been a few months since I decided to retire. I need to figure out how I’m going to make a living.”
“Why are you telling me this…?”
“Should I ask Hinami instead?”
But if I didn’t tie him to me, he would just go put a collar on someone else.
“Now that I think about it, that might not be so bad. She’s doing well, right? Lots of money. She’s still young—her head’s basically a flower field. If I treat her nicely, maybe I could date her instead of just fucking her.”
“…”
“If I live with her, I wouldn’t even need to work. If I just keep that bitch’s sex drive satisfied, I could play and eat for free…”
“I don’t like it.”
“What?”
I hated it. More than anything.
“You fooling around with another woman.”
“Why?”
Because the leash around my neck would lose all meaning.
“You can just do it with me. You like it too, don’t you?”
I hated saying these words myself. I hated that he made me say them.
“What exactly do I like?”
“Having sex with me. You like it so much you’re going crazy.”
“Sex is just a means.”
“A means for what?”
“A means to feel emotion.”
He yanked the collar hard and pulled me into his arms.
“If I fucked you when there was nothing between us and no feelings, it would be worse than jerking off. It wouldn’t be any fun.”
“…”
“Do you know why I like having sex with you?”
His hands settled on my waist and hips with practiced ease.
“Because you hate me.”
“Of course I do.”
“Even though you hate me, you still can’t let me go.”
His hand stroked my hair so naturally.
“That’s what makes it good. The woman who used to treat people like insects a few years ago is now like this.”
“I never treated you like a bug.”
“Well, you treated me like something disgusting at least. Not just me—other people too.”
He released the collar and cupped my cheek.
“I understand. If I’d been born looking like you, I probably would’ve treated most men like bugs too.”
“…”
“But with this face. This body. You wouldn’t have gone without meeting men or making money.”
He pushed me against the rough wall and stared at me, whispering in a low, dangerous voice.
“That’s why I like you.”
“Don’t lie.”
He kept lying until the very end.
“I like how fucking stupid and clueless you look.”
“Shut up.”
“Why didn’t you have a boyfriend? There must’ve been a line of guys. You’d have them just walking down the street.”
“I told you. I was stalked in high school…”
“Then why me? When I was drunk and you let me into your house?”
He covered my mouth before our tongues could even meet.
“If you have something you want to say to me, say it.”
After toying with me so thoroughly, he was still forcing an apology out of me.
“…I’m sorry.”
I hated it. But he seemed pitiful. It felt like the reason he ended up like this was at least partly my fault.
“What are you sorry for?”
“Your shoulder… ending up like that. It feels like it’s partly my responsibility too.”
Whether it was my fault for getting irritated.
“How is any of that your fault?”
Or his fault for throwing a tantrum.
“I told my sister you had no manners…”
“We already talked about that. Is that all?”
Or my sister’s fault for speaking on my behalf.
“That she was going to tell Dad. I said I understood.”
“What exactly did you say?”
“I don’t know the details. Just… that your behavior was bad. That rumors were spreading.”
Or Dad’s fault for trying to send him to another team after hearing that.
“So after hearing that, the director worked my shoulder until it was destroyed. Right?”
“Yes.”
Or the director’s fault for using him until he couldn’t anymore before letting him go.
“Then what exactly are you apologizing for? From what I’m hearing, none of it was your fault.”
“Still…”
“If anything, shouldn’t I be thanking your sister? She got rid of a weird guy for me.”
“That’s…”
“She even let us use the house and gave us living expenses. So why are you badmouthing her behind her back?”
Maybe no one was really at fault. Not me for hating him. Not me for hating my sister. Not my sister for treating me like an idiot.
“You only did one thing wrong.”
“What?”
“Pitying me was the mistake.”
That day. The Kang Juhyuk I met again had lied and desperately begged for me.
“When I tried to rape you while drunk, if you’d just told me to fuck off, none of this would’ve happened.”
“…”
“But because I acted a little pitiful, you gave in. Was it because you’re a good person, or…”
“You are pitiful.”
For the first time since that day, I saw emotions other than lust in his eyes. For the first time, I saw a face that wasn’t lying to me.
“You were popular too. Because of me. Because of Yeeun. Because of Dad…”
“Is that why you feel so sorry that you’re doing all this with me?”
“I don’t know.”
Even as I told myself it wasn’t true, I pitied him. Like a puppy trying to comfort its sad owner.
“Seo Haeun.”
“Yes.”
“You really do seem a lot like me.”
“In what way?”
“Great body, but you failed at what you wanted to do. Then you met another failure and started fucking him. Exactly the same.”
“So…”
The man who had forcibly held me down, raped me, treated me like an idiot, played with me, handled me roughly, and put this collar on me.
“Since our lives were never going to go the way we wanted anyway… will you just give yourself to me?”
Someone like me.
“Let’s stick together, us failures. We can even drag the successful ones into it.”
To my pitiful master, I offered the shabby leash with my own hands. As an act of submission.
“Haeun.”
“Yes.”
As much as he had hated me, I had hated my sister just as much. Even if my ruined life wasn’t entirely her fault.
“You don’t have to speak politely anymore.”
“Okay.”
“They’ll do that for you from now on.”
So I offered everything—my heart that felt like it would burst, the reason that had tried to stop me until the very end—to this collar. I tied my fate to him so tightly it could never be undone again.