Surrender (2)
I don’t know. I have no idea what to do.
“Hey, Kang Juhyuk…. Cleaning. You don’t have to do it today….”
“You skipped it yesterday too.”
“….”
I don’t know how to handle him, sitting there cleaning with that infuriatingly calm face. I hate the sight of him. I want to throw him out. But that’s impossible. And reporting him now? After living together for months? Even if something came of it, the thought of Kang Juhyuk ending up in prison…. It’s not that I don’t want to see it happen. I just don’t know what he’d do once he got out. And—
“What should we eat for dinner later, Haeun.”
“…Anything.”
Because if this man disappeared, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. Could I keep running the YouTube channel the way it is? He said wearing something a little sexy would be enough, but would that really work? If it all fell apart, what then? I don’t know how to do anything else. Should I start looking for some decent guy now and get married? …Among those stiff-necked church guys my dad would introduce?
“If you say ‘anything,’ I’ll just butter some bread, slap five slices of cheese on it, and grill it.”
“No, then. Just…. I’ll do it. Today.”
“Yeah? Alright then.”
Even if I miraculously met someone decent among them and got married, what if this man found me someday? …Would he threaten me, saying what if my husband found out, and demand my body again? Maybe. …He might not even let me take the pill. And if I got pregnant, he’d tell me to raise the child with my husband.
“Ah, by the way, do you even know how to cook?”
“I do. I lived alone even when you weren’t around.”
…Even these horrible thoughts are only if I’m lucky. Maybe I’d end up with a man worse than Kang Juhyuk. Someone who can’t cook as well as him. Someone who doesn’t care about cleaning at all. Dirty. Filthy.
“Really? Then…, I’ll look forward to it. Lunch was honestly pretty good too.”
“…It’s what you were already eating.”
…Without even these pretenses. Just lusting after my body. After being blackmailed by Kang Juhyuk, calling me a slut. If I got abandoned. Maybe this man would abandon me too.
“As long as the eggs are boiled right, that’s what matters.”
Thinking that way makes me hate it. Tomorrow doesn’t feel like the day before yesterday anymore. Naming that unwatched video “Affair.”
**
“…Uh, Kang Juhyuk.”
“It’s pretty good, actually.”
The soft tofu stew I made after a long time. I used to cook it often before Kang Juhyuk showed up. Thankfully, those old memories hadn’t completely rusted over. …Though I did have to look up the recipe because I got confused.
“If you’re decent at cooking, why did you keep pretending you weren’t? All this time.”
“No, I never did that….”
Surprisingly, instead of frowning, seeing him eat with obvious enjoyment makes the tension ease a little. I’d been worried he’d complain that I cook worse than him. At least there’s that. If he used it as an excuse to walk out again….
“At this rate, you can just handle the cooking from now on. I’ll take care of more of the cleaning and dishes.”
“Ah, that. I don’t really know anything else….”
“If you can make stew, everything else is just following a recipe, right? I’ll make Western food sometimes.”
“….”
…If he leaves, he leaves. I could eat and live alone without him. Laundry and cleaning would be cut in half.
“What, why aren’t you answering? So, are you going to do it or not?”
“….”
“Why. …Planning to live off my cooking for the rest of your life?”
“…Ah, seriously. I’ll do it, okay….”
…But. I don’t like that. Like yesterday. Being left alone in this house. If this man disappears, I’d have to cling to my sister again, or. …Some other man who isn’t Kang Juhyuk, someone who just wants my body. Having to depend on someone just to survive.
“Then I’ll ask for the same as today. The stew’s good, honestly.”
“…It’s because I only put in good ingredients.”
“Just accept a compliment when you get one.”
“What would I even…! …do with a compliment from you.”
…I hate it. Until the day before yesterday. I liked it.
“When you get praised, you just take it. Why make such a fuss? You compliment me sometimes too, don’t you?”
“When did I….”
“When we’re in bed.”
“….”
The days when I was dragged around by Kang Juhyuk without thinking. It was nice because it was comfortable. Nothing was ever my fault. Everything was—
“…Want to sleep together later?”
“….”
…Because it’s this man’s fault. Even if I nod at words like that. It’s not my fault. My mind feels at ease. Rather.
**
Night. But still a little early for bed. The usual pajamas. The usual underwear. A slightly flushed face.
“Ah, that feels nice.”
“…I’m sleepy.”
Kang Juhyuk wearing only a pair of shorts. …We didn’t shower together. Just in case it turned out like yesterday.
“Then…, let’s just go to sleep.”
“…Yeah.”
I nod and bury myself under the blanket, waiting for him. …Now it’s okay not to do anything. He’ll take care of playing with me. Yesterday’s incident, that horrible video I woke up to. It’s okay not to think about it. Just like this. It’s okay not to watch it.
“Hoo….”
He slips under the soft blanket. Slightly rougher than the blanket, the large towel spread across the sheet keeps brushing against my skin. …Laundry—he’ll do it anyway. Since I said I’d cook starting tomorrow.
Would it be okay to moan a little louder? This isn’t a soundproof booth. Probably fine. There’s no one to hear anyway.
“Really warm.”
“…Yeah?”
“Yeah. It’s really hot.”
His hard upper body, still outside the blanket, presses against my back. Gradually, his large, hard hand slips under the covers. Slightly cold at first, but quickly warming. His slightly rough, hot breath brushes against my neck. …Why is it that this sly skinship makes my chest sink….
“…Lift your hips a little.”
After stroking my lower abdomen a few times, he slides his fingers into my pants. Pulled by that force, I naturally raise my hips without thinking. So the panties and pajama pants catch on my hips. Swish. The fabric rustles softly.
“….”
Then come the soft clicks as he undoes the snap buttons. From collarbone down to my pubic bone. The only thing left covering me—now just a bra.
“…You’re wearing one?”
“…Why.”
“No reason. I thought you wouldn’t bother. …Since we’re sleeping.”
His hand that had been moving up past my navel touches the remaining bra and lets out a quiet snort. …He’d complain if I took it off anyway. He likes stripping it off himself more.
“When did you buy the front-hook one?”
“…It’s always been there, you pervert.”
“Now that’s more like you.”
His hand that had been on my back moves to the front again, easily strips off the bra, and cups my breast. As always, using the curses I spit out like an aphrodisiac. Breathing a little rougher. His mouth gradually closer to my ear.
“…What did you do yesterday.”
“…Nothing.”
“Really? …You just slept after I left?”
“…Is that not allowed?”
…Blowing breath against me to force memories I don’t want to recall.
“I went out to have fun, so I figured you did too.”
“…I slept. Just.”
“Want me to show you what you were doing while having fun?”
“Hey, Kang Juhyuk…!”
Forcibly shoving memories I don’t want to see right in front of my eyes.
-Ahem, um. Ah. Uh…, what was I trying to say again?
-Why are you asking me that?”
-Ah. Right. Greetings. Hello. I’m Hinami. Nice to meet you.
A video of a man and woman sitting side by side on the bed, awkwardly introducing themselves.
“Anyway, you probably already watched it. Playing around with her….”
“Kang Juhyuk.”
…This man brazenly pushes it in front of me. Still treating me like an idiot.
“Why. Feeling bad?”
“…Wouldn’t you feel bad if you were me?”
“I don’t feel bad.”
“But why…!”
“I told you. …I love you.”
“….”
Words that aren’t even in his heart. Over and over. Pressing down on my chest.
“…Of course you’d feel bad seeing the person you love fooling around with another man, right?”
“…Don’t joke around.”
“Why. You wouldn’t feel good seeing me cheat either, would you?”
“Of course…! …….”
…This. Kang Juhyuk having sex with another woman.
“You said there’s nothing between you and me. …Then who am I abandoning to cheat with her?”
“….”
Making me say that I’m the one being abandoned and cheated on. …He keeps tormenting me. Transmitting his hot body heat that I can now feel even through the blanket.
“…Are you just going to keep your mouth shut like that?”
“….”
I need to answer. I need to decide now. Tell him to get out of this house. The rape of my first time, my first kiss, cumming inside me without a condom whenever he wanted. Grabbing my breasts so hard they hurt. I’ll pretend none of it ever happened. Just don’t ever appear in front of me again.
-The person next to me is Jia’s boyfriend…. No, Jia’s older sister’s boyfriend. I almost messed up.
-He’s not her boyfriend. She just got dumped, remember.
Like the voice flowing out. This kind of man isn’t even a boyfriend or anything. I dumped him because I didn’t like him. That’s enough. …I can meet a better man. There are truckloads of guys who try to get my number while I’m just walking down the street.
-Ah, right. Not a boyfriend…, roughly master? Right?
-…Something like that.
Among them. A man better than this bastard. A decent man rather than one who treats me like a pet with his own mouth. At least one….
“…Seo Haeun.”
“….”
“It’s hot, so I’m going to get some air.”
Even leaving a woman like me behind. A man who doesn’t…. get air or anything. At least one.
“I’ll go for a walk and come back, so sleep first.”
“….”
“…Goodbye. See you tomorrow.”
…There should be. There must be. Overflowing with them. But. Why. I—
“…What are you doing?”
“…Let’s go together.”
…Did I just grab this man’s wrist? Pants half off. Top and bra slipping down. In a pathetic state.
“Let’s go for a walk together, you bastard….”
“…Then get ready.”
Am I following this man? Kang Juhyuk?
“…What?”
“Clothes. …And the leash.”
Just like that crazy bitch said. …This man.
“If you have no intention of coming….”
“…What clothes.”
“What?”
“What clothes should I wear. …Me.”
As if I’m… becoming his master too.