Filming (5)
Ever since I was young, I had lived a life full of praise. I was the kind of child everyone loved, with no rough edges, and I had always believed that was the right way to live. I wanted more compliments from my teachers. I wanted my friends to think I was amazing. I grew up quiet and well-behaved without any incidents, until an opportunity came along that could make me even prouder of myself. I seized it. And as a result, I was now being strangled by my sister's boyfriend.
“…”
The spit I hurled didn’t even reach his face. How did things end up like this? I had never once strayed from the straight path. Until I became independent, I had attended church faithfully, just as my father ordered. Ah, maybe quitting church after I started as an idol was the mistake. …No, that couldn’t be it. If there really was a god, the world wouldn’t be this cynical.
“Why bring up the shoulder?”
“…Because that’s the only thing I did wrong.”
Honestly, I wasn’t even sure if that counted as my fault. All I had done was tell my father that the man on top of me had a dirty private life. The decision to kick him off the team had been entirely my father’s. The coach had been the one who decided to use him up while he was still on the team before sending him elsewhere. How much of the blame really fell on me? Besides, looking at what he was doing now, it wasn’t even a lie, was it?
“…You wouldn’t understand what kind of life I lived after that fell apart.”
“I don’t know. I think I know enough. Aren’t you living a depraved life, rolling around with my sister and cheating with Hinami—kghk…!”
“Shut up.”
Kang Juhyuk, stripped of all pretense and hypocrisy, had returned to the same enraged expression he wore when he tried to rape me. His eyes burned with fury as he tightened his grip around my neck. The moment I stopped talking, he eased the pressure so I could breathe, but his hand remained as a clear warning. I glared at him, refusing to let the venom leave my eyes as I sneered.
“…What’s so funny?”
Instead of cowering before his threat, I kept laughing. I mocked him endlessly, silently, until the rage filling his head became ridiculous. Still chuckling under my breath, I reached out and placed my hand on his left shoulder.
“It is funny, isn’t it? …It’s not my father or the coach doing this to me. It’s you.”
“…”
Though covered by his T-shirt, the scars were definitely there. The long surgical scar and the small one I had added on top of it. How deep did those scars run that he would go this far? Was he planning to do to me exactly what he had done to my sister? But I wasn’t my sister. I would never love him the way she did, not even if I died and came back to life.
“Does it feel good to lay hands on your daughter instead? …You already broke my sister. Are you getting excited thinking about breaking me too?”
“…Why are you so desperate to get cursed out?”
“…I’m already getting torn apart online anyway. Getting a little more from you doesn’t hurt any more than that.”
He let out a hollow laugh, genuinely baffled as he looked down at me provoking him. Maybe he didn’t even know why he was so angry. He was already living well enough that quitting baseball shouldn’t warrant this. He had already gotten his revenge on my sister, so there was no need to touch me. Why would someone who could have anything he wanted still try to put me beneath him? Because I was pretty and charming? …If that logic held, every man in the world would be like Kang Juhyuk. But they weren’t.
“Hey, Seo Jia.”
“…If you’re not planning to commit a crime, get out. If you’re going to strangle me to death, do it now.”
“Where did the girl who used to tremble go? What’s got you so pissed off that you lost all sense of fear?”
“I told you. I have nothing left to lose.”
“…If you really had nothing to lose, you wouldn’t have wiped your face earlier.”
“It’s the same thing you did. …You keep dirty videos to yourself and laugh at people in secret. I post photos anonymously and laugh at people in secret. That should’ve been enough. There was no need to give you an excuse to curse me out, was there?”
His expression turned hollow as he looked down at me. Then he placed his thick hand on my chest. The touch felt more painful than lewd, so I frowned slightly. He furrowed his brows in the same way.
“…Are you going to rape me now? Honestly, I was wondering why you hadn’t yet. I guess it was fun watching me tremble in front of you? Since I’m not reacting, you’re going to do worse.”
“I’m not. …What’s the fun in fucking you anyway?”
“If you’re not going to do anything, get out right now. Let me sleep.”
“You want me to do this that badly?”
“…Don’t you think what you just said sounds weird?”
What woman in the world enjoyed being raped? If someone wanted to be raped, could it even be called rape? I snorted loudly at his ridiculous words. He removed his hand from my chest, grabbed his own forehead, and climbed off me to sit on the edge of the bed. He picked up the bottle he had set down earlier and gulped it down, then let out a long sigh and pressed his lips shut.
The sound of his breathing continued for a few minutes. When it became clear he had no intention of leaving, I broke the silence first and sat up to touch him.
“…If you’re not going to do anything, get out. Now.”
“What do you want me to do to you that you keep acting like this?”
“I don’t want you to do anything. …You’re the one who wants to do something. Why are you asking me?”
“…”
In the end, he had always been the one with malice toward me. I no longer had any reason to mess with him. I didn’t want him interfering in anything I did. Whether I continued living as a celebrity while hiding my true feelings or returned to being an ordinary person, the thought of him intruding on my life was unpleasant. But I couldn’t shake him off on my own. He already held too many of my weaknesses in his hands. If he forced himself on me… I probably wouldn’t be able to resist. Honestly, I hated it. It was disgusting. I didn’t want to be touched by a man like him. …But the moment I showed that, I knew he would only become more interested in me.
“I can’t report you no matter what you do anyway. Do whatever you want. If you’re bored, please leave. I’m begging you.”
“…”
After all, I was an incredibly boring woman. Once he vented all the unpleasant feelings he had bottled up, he would probably get tired of me. Honestly, even I thought Hinami was far better. Why did I have to be interfered with by a man who had no reason to love me? Even if he said he loved me, I had no intention of accepting it.
“If you thought I’d be scared of you for the rest of my life, you were wrong. Do one or the other now—break your promise or keep it. …Ordinary people walking on the street scare me far more than you do now.”
“…Was getting some hate comments that stressful?”
“I don’t know. It was a little more annoying than you doing this in my house right now.”
“Yeah. I figured someone as rigid as you would react that way after doing something like a cult.”
Completely drained of interest by my flat bluff, he stood up. He turned off the lights, plunging the room into darkness. Then he climbed onto the bed and began stripping off his clothes one by one.
“…You were going to do this anyway.”
“If I leave you alone, you’ll probably slit your wrists or something. What else am I supposed to do?”
“Wait, what kind of misunderstanding are you—?”
“Think back to what you said earlier. …What, you have nothing to lose? You’re fine with being raped? Do you really think someone with a working brain would say that?”
“What are you—”
As he undressed, Kang Juhyuk started spouting nonsense, and even I was genuinely flustered. I had expected him to either lose interest and back off or explode with the rage he had been holding in. One of the two. But faced with this neither-here-nor-there outcome, I tried to push him off me in disbelief. He was ridiculously heavy and wouldn’t budge. After stripping completely, he placed his hand on my neck again.
“I’m not doing this because I like you. …If you lose your mind and go crazy only to end up dead, Hinami and Haeun will be screwed. That’s why I’m doing this.”
“Who said anything about dying? Do I look like the type to kill myself over a few hate comments?”
“The girl who used to sob and suck my dick because she was scared of being raped is suddenly telling me to do whatever I want. If that doesn’t make you worry, are you even human?”
“…”
…It was disgusting to hear a beast like him speak like a person. But his words made sense, so I couldn’t argue back. Of course, I had never even imagined something like suicide. But if I accidentally slipped and died, people would probably think it was suicide.
“…I have no intention of doing that, so calm down for a second.”
“Why? …Are you scared now because you think you’re actually going to get raped?”
“It’s not that I’m scared. It’s that you’re misunderstanding right now…”
But I still didn’t want to be raped by him for that reason. From the beginning, I had wanted him to get tired of me, not to take an interest in me. But of course, right? I was such an outstanding woman. I was Seo Jia, the flawless idol. That was why he was interested in me. If that broke, then to me anymore…
“Misunderstandings happen. …You misunderstood me too.”
“…What?”
“You thought I was trash, so I became trash. …I can also misunderstand you as a pitiful girl whose mind is broken and who wants to commit suicide. Don’t you think?”
“…”
I wasn’t supposed to care. So why was he smiling even more delightedly than before, looking down at me with eyes full of exhilaration? I hated him from head to toe. What part of him could I possibly find appealing?