Falling Into the Swamp
I was falling. Beneath the dark surface. Into the swamp of the depraved. Getting sucked down deeper and deeper.
"Stop... Hey. Stop it!"
I couldn't see a thing. But Kang Juhyuk, standing right in front of me, simply held my wrist and remained still. Was he watching me? Watching Hinami? Or just pretending not to care? I couldn't even tell that much.
"Why? You're the one who started this, Jia."
"..."
"You did that shit to me because you thought it'd be fun, right? ...Or do you actually like me? If that's the case, I might let it slide."
Hinami, pressing tighter against me from behind, lifted my soaked t-shirt and slid her fingers into my cleavage.
I never should have fallen for their trap. Challenging people with no sense of decency or morality was the first mistake. No matter how hard I tried to steer things the way I planned, they always slipped outside my expectations and left me stunned.
People I could never understand.
Kang Juhyuk, at least, I could somewhat predict. If I dropped to my knees and pressed my forehead to the ground, he'd pin my neck under his foot and rape me. That much I could see coming.
My sister made some sense too. I couldn't comprehend how or why she'd fallen for Kang Juhyuk, but aside from that, I could frame her as a woman who got violently jealous.
But you...
"Why aren't you answering? ...If you don't answer, I'll strip your swimsuit off the same way."
I couldn't understand any of it. Why she liked him. Why she'd come to treasure him more than me after all the years we'd spent together. Whether she hated being an idol or loved it. Just... why. Why she wasn't even jealous.
Everything about her defied understanding. A person completely outside my frame of reference.
The fact that this was my only friend made my head spin even worse.
"You're so quiet, Jia. ...Should I take it off? You threw yourself at him anyway, so showing your tits shouldn't matter, right?"
"...Hinami."
"What?"
"You... Are you really the Hinami I know?"
A completely different person. Someone else wearing the face I knew.
The Hinami I'd lived with had her delinquent, eccentric sides, but she'd always stayed within the bounds of common sense. She became an idol because she wanted moderate fame. She nagged me to drink with her when she wanted to blow off steam. She whined about wanting a normal romance and clung to me about it. She was an ordinary girl who enjoyed playing at love with a man like Kang Juhyuk—someone whose only real asset was his height and build.
Even if it wasn't exactly moral, she was the type you could dismiss with a fond well, that's just Hinami.
So why?
Why was she doing this to me... and enjoying it?
"What are you talking about? I've always been like this. We acted super close on broadcasts too, remember?"
"That was... a joke, right? This isn't a joke anymore..."
"Then what about you? Did you strip me earlier as a joke, or because you had real perverted thoughts?"
"I was just... annoyed with you..."
"Then it's the same. ...I'm doing this because you annoy me too."
I was only trying to get revenge because you betrayed me first.
I never betrayed you.
An idol who sneaks around meeting men and takes photos that could leak at any moment—why the hell are you getting angry at me—
"Ugh..."
Her hand dove under my swimsuit and brushed my nipple. The baby-soft touch of Hinami's skin mixed with the revolting feeling of another woman touching my most intimate place, dragging my heart down into even darker depths.
It didn't feel good. It didn't excite me. Just an unpleasant, clammy experience.
"...They're big, huh? Your breasts. I'm jealous."
"...Shut up."
I tried to shake off Hinami's mocking voice as she bluntly offered her opinion.
I never wanted to experience anything like this with you.
Sometimes you'd jump on me, hug me with that tiny body, and treat me like the baby of the group. It annoyed me, but it never felt this bad. It got to the point where I thought being touched by a man would be preferable.
Back then, when Kang Juhyuk had forced me—
"Haa..."
"What? Ahaha..."
The chilling memory resurfaced. I shook my head hard, trying to erase the horrible image, and did my best to ignore the thick fingers still gripping my wrist.
No matter how much I hated Hinami.
No matter how disgusting it felt to have another woman groping me.
It couldn't possibly be worse than what Kang Juhyuk had done to me.
Nothing was more terrifying than being unable to do anything by my own will—
"Ah..."
The grip on my wrist loosened. My raised arm slid slowly down into the water.
Now the only thing holding me was Hinami.
Just one girl who was far shorter than me and weighed much less.
"...This feels really strange, Jia. It was fun when I played with Haeun unnie. Why isn't it fun with you?"
By my own will. However I wanted. I could do anything.
As long as it didn't upset him.
I could overpower this little brat with pure strength.
"Is it because your chest is smaller than unnie's? Hers are seriously huge. Ahaha..."
I could rip the blindfold off right now and shut that mouth.
I could grab her white hair, shove her under the water, and make her beg me on her knees.
I could hold back and not do anything that extreme.
But.
Even though I could do whatever I wanted...
Why did it still feel so awful? Much worse than before. Far worse now.
"Jia. You know how you always treated me like a kid? It secretly pissed me off. We're only a month apart, but I'm still your unnie. Yet you acted all mature like you were above me. Every time I acted cute in front of the cameras, the way you looked at me like I was pathetic really got on my nerves. ...But now that I think about it, it's kind of cute? When you really think about it, Jia, you've never even done anything naughty before. You're still a baby. A total baby."
"..."
"Oh, want to try calling me unnie? Hinami unnie. Yeah? You call all the other members unnie. Why do you only use casual speech with me?"
Was this what anger felt like?
More disgusting than being groped by a man I despised with every fiber of my being.
My closest friend in the world.
Mocking me while she groped me.
Was that even more repulsive?
"...Hinami."
"I told you to call me unnie."
"Shut up."
"What...?"
"I said shut the fuck up."
Because you're beneath me.
"Fuck, you're so goddamn noisy. With your tiny little body..."
"...What?"
"Do I look stupid to you? Hey, is having a boyfriend and having sex really that big of a deal?"
Much shorter. Smaller breasts. Narrower hips than mine. Weaker. Can't even sing properly. The only thing you're good for is acting cute and fawning over male fans. A flawed girl whose only real assets are a pretty face and decent dancing skills.
That's why it was so disgusting to watch someone inferior to me try to stand above my head.
"As if I... couldn't have sex?"
"..."
The only people allowed to stand above me are those who are better than me. Experienced, capable celebrities. Seniors who already walked the path I'm on and are now stepping down. People who are obviously more talented than me in every way.
To people like that, I could bow my head a hundred times and show respect.
But not you.
Hinami, you're nothing but a pet who rolls over and acts cute for Kang Juhyuk.
"I can do it too, fuck... Do you think getting fucked by that man makes you special?"
"..."
"If I asked Kang Juhyuk to hold me, you really think he'd turn me down?"
I ripped the blindfold off.
Shoved away the Hinami who had been groping me.
Pressing down on the shoulder of the now-frozen Hinami as she stared at me with icy eyes, I whispered into her ear.
"...It's seriously fucking hilarious. You're just the second anyway. After unnie."
"Hey."
Ahaha. Puhahaha.
The smiling mask had finally cracked.
You tried so hard to pretend otherwise, but in the end you were still someone I could understand.
Without common sense or morals, but... at least the instincts remained.
"Ah, seriously. I was so sick of listening to the nonsense from a girl who thinks she's all that just because she has a pretty face. ...Just look. Look at how ugly the man you cling to so desperately really is."
"..."
I pushed away the girl who glared at me with eyes cold enough to kill, burning with pure malice.
Then I walked over to Kang Juhyuk, who had been watching us with an intrigued gaze, ran my fingers over his chiseled abs, and whispered to him.
"...You can do whatever you want to me. Anything at all."
His eyes, dark with lust, stayed fixed on me. I didn't look away.
While sneering at Hinami's desperate, furious stare.
I rose onto my tiptoes and spat on the lips of the man standing there motionless.
"You want revenge on me too, don't you? ...Am I wrong?"
"..."
He wiped the spit away with his wet hand.
Like I'd seen in a movie once, I slowly pushed my thumb between his lips.
Using the most seductive voice I'd ever produced in my life, I tickled his ear.
"...Interesting."
He let out a small chuckle, wrapped an arm around my shoulders, and squeezed my breast hard.
"It's been a while since anything was this fun. ...It's refreshing."
He roughly yanked off my half-removed t-shirt, wrung the water from it, then wrapped it around my head once and stuffed it into my mouth.
"...Oppa."
"Come here."
Splashing through the water, he dragged me toward Hinami.
"Ah, he... mmph..."
While kneading my breasts. While slipping his hand inside my swimsuit, pinching my nipple between his fingers and tugging it however he pleased. Without even looking at me.
He turned his head and kissed Hinami.
"Mmph... ugh..."
Unable to spit out the wet cloth or pull it free, I could only watch as he kissed her deeply, not me.
"Puhah... Ah. Ahaha..."
While she kissed this pathetic man.
While she looked at me like I was an idiot and laughed.
"...I'm prettier though, right, oppa?"
"Yeah."
"I dance better too... and my tongue. I bet mine looks way more lewd."
"...Your hips are sluttier too."
"Really? Ehehe, such high praise— ah, ngh... chup..."
I finally understood, bone-deep, why my sister had hated me so much.
And why she no longer hated me that way.