I Feel Like I'm Going to Die
The cold... I feel like I'm going to die. My forehead burns like a ball of fire. The throat that had felt stuffy since yesterday is now completely locked up. Swallowing saliva is a struggle. It's probably that brutal summer cold everyone talks about. Thinking about it, it's not surprising at all. After getting drenched in the rain like that yesterday, it would have been strange if I stayed fine.
"Haah..."
Dragging my half-conscious body, I turned on my phone. It was ten minutes before the manager was due to arrive. ...I need to shower. I have to take medicine and push through today's schedule. First, I forced a banana down my stinging throat, then found some Tylenol and swallowed a pill. Whether the medicine was kicking in immediately or my body was simply broken, my head spun so violently I couldn't stay seated. I gulped down the rest of the water to replace the fluids I'd lost through sweat, staggered back to bed, and collapsed.
"...I feel like I'm going to die."
It wasn't a joke. I meant it. If I closed my eyes now, I had no idea when I might wake up again. Even lifting my eyelids felt like too much effort, and consciousness slowly slipped away. Just as sleep was about to swallow me whole—
"Ah."
The phone rang. ...Right on time. Time to go to work again.
"Hello..."
"Hello..., Jia? You sound terrible."
The manager's voice came through the receiver. Normally I would have hidden the pain somehow and pretended everything was fine, but—
"Yes, Manager..."
"Did you catch a cold?"
"...Yes. The fever's pretty bad."
I didn't know anymore. I had no passion left to force myself to work hard with a body this sick.
"I'll take you to the hospital. Can you come down—"
"...It's not that serious."
"...Then should I at least pick up some medicine for you?"
"No. I have some.... I think I'll feel better if I take it and sleep."
"Then could you take your temperature and send it over? It doesn't look like you'll be able to handle the schedule today. I'll report it for you."
"...Yes."
It wasn't a fake illness or a lie. The fact that I felt like I was dying was true, and the stinging pain in my throat with every word was true too. Still... if this had been even two days ago, I probably would have forced myself through the schedule somehow.
"I'll hang up then. Rest well. I'll handle everything else."
"Yeees..."
I let the manager's words go in one ear and out the other, ended the call, and buried myself in the bed. I let go of everything and closed my eyes.
...Oh. They asked me to send my temperature. Where did I put the thermometer again….
"Hey. Wake up."
A familiar voice, though it felt strangely unfamiliar these days. The scolding tone pulled me back to consciousness. I slowly opened my eyes, brushed away the damp cloth on my forehead, and with great effort sat up in bed.
"Eat this porridge. I bought it."
Through my hazy vision, I saw my older sister. My blood-related sister, Seo Haeun.
"...What are you doing here, sis?"
"Did you give my number to your manager?"
I ignored her immediate nagging and checked my phone. It was already afternoon. Several more missed calls from the manager, plus messages on my personal phone from the members.
...Ah. I never sent my temperature. So that's why she came.
"Hey, Seo Yeeun. Did you give them my contact info or not?"
"...No. I think I gave it to the company a long time ago."
"...Then eat the porridge first. And take your medicine."
I clutched my splitting head and took a spoonful of the porridge she had brought. My throat felt slightly better than it had that morning, so it went down, but my forehead was still burning and my mind remained foggy.
"What on earth did you do to catch a cold in the middle of summer? Your temperature was 38.8 degrees."
"...I must have caught it during the last Japan trip."
No matter how out of it I was, I couldn't admit the truth—that I'd caught it from getting caught in the rain. Even I knew how stupid that sounded. I didn't have to do that. I could have just calmed down, gone back upstairs, and grabbed an umbrella. Why had I acted that way? Why had I wanted to throw everything away?
"Anyway, finish the porridge, take your medicine, and rest. Oh, and say thank you later."
"...Thank you."
"Not to me. Say it to Juhyuk. He was the one who bought the porridge."
"..."
I had almost forgotten the reason. The moment I heard it, the memory sharpened into focus. It was all because of that man.
"You seem well enough to talk now. I have to get to work, so I'll head out. Contact the company yourself."
"...Okay."
"The medicine is on the table. Make sure you take it."
"Okay."
With what seemed like affection—or maybe none at all—my sister waited until she saw me properly eating the porridge before grabbing her phone and leaving. After all, she hated me. This much attention was probably a lot for her. I wasn't particularly hurt that she hadn't stayed to nurse me. Only one thing bothered me.
The fact that Kang Juhyuk had bought the porridge.
Logically, it was just an errand. But knowing his true nature, it was impossible to accept it as simple kindness.
"Haah..."
Still, the porridge had done nothing wrong. I scraped the bowl clean, filling my empty stomach, then stood up. I rummaged through the plastic bag on the table, took out the Tylenol, and swallowed one. From the fridge I pulled out the leftover chocolate from yesterday, letting it melt on my tongue. Only then did my head feel a little clearer.
...It really is quiet. Being alone at home like this. How incredibly languid.
"...Maybe I'll play some games."
I couldn't move my body anyway, and I'd already slept too long to go back to bed. After brushing my teeth, I returned to bed, grabbed my phone, and first sent a message to the manager. The moment I received a reply saying it was fine and they understood, I pulled the blanket over myself, lay on my stomach, and continued the game from yesterday.
Without a single thought. Without a single worry.
Not as the idol Seo Jia, but as Seo Yeeun, the fresh high school graduate. I savored the kind of rest I hadn't felt in a long time. Until my eyes grew tired and I fell asleep without realizing it.
A day passed. My body felt considerably better, but strangely the fever hadn't dropped much. Still 38 degrees. It wasn't at a level where I absolutely couldn't handle the schedule. But I didn't leave the house today either.
...Even if I went out, I had no energy to work hard.
"Hey, eat the porridge."
"Okay."
Today I sat at the table instead of in bed. I accepted the porridge from my sister, who had become noticeably softer than she was a few months ago, and ate another meal. Yesterday my head had hurt too much to notice, but my sister had always been extremely sensitive around me. Whether it was discomfort at having her younger sister as a tenant or simple inferiority, I wasn't sure.
"...I'll head downstairs then."
"Okay."
Right now... she really seemed to have no particular thoughts. But that personality change was probably because of that man too. After all, Hinami had changed after meeting him.
"..."
Including the holidays, it had already been three days since I'd seen the members. Had there ever been a time I went this long without seeing anyone's face? It felt like the first time since the last break before my trainee debut. The one good thing was being able to spend time without caring about anyone's gaze. I almost wished the fever would last a few more days.
While eating the porridge with the game open, a message that always greeted me arrived. I exchanged casual pleasantries while continuing my meal, and before I knew it the bowl was clean. I sat there without clearing it, thoughts stopped, simply letting time burn away.
"Seo Yeeun. What are you doing? Sitting there after finishing your food."
Had she forgotten something? My sister had returned.
"...Hello."
...Together with that man.
"Hello... Kang Juhyuk."
"Yes. Is your body feeling better?"
"Yes. Thanks to you. ...I really appreciate it."
Dutifully, I bowed my head to my sister's boyfriend who had brought me porridge yesterday and today. I slipped my phone into my pocket, stood up, and greeted the guest.
"Haeun was so worried that I got worried too. I'm glad you're okay."
"Hey, when did I ever—"
"It's just a cold. I'll get better if I rest."
Even though the man I hated enough to want to kill was standing right in front of me, looking down at me like this, strangely I felt almost nothing. I simply wished he would disappear immediately.
"Did the porridge taste all right? I bought the most popular kind."
"Yes, well. It was good."
However, I could see right through the man pretending to be a good person and an affectionate brother-in-law in front of my sister. Just from the way he looked at me. He was lecherously scanning my sweat-dampened, slightly moist body. Even when I shot him a warning glance, he simply smirked.
"By the way, why did Kang Juhyuk come all the way up here...?"
"Ah, it's nothing special. I heard the house got messy because you were sick, so I came with Haeun to help clean."
...So brazenly. Announcing that he was going to rummage through someone else's house. To that man running his mouth, I picked up the cup of water I'd poured earlier for my medicine. With a quick motion—
"Kang Juhyuk."
"Yes."
"...Would you like some water? Your lips look dry."
"...Yes. Thank you."
Pretending to throw it, I offered him the glass instead. There was no point in fighting. I had nothing to gain. I looked away from him gulping the water down and turned toward my sister. She didn't seem to care about her sister at all—her eyes were completely fixed on his moving Adam's apple.
...Is this what happens to every woman when she falls in love? I never imagined even my sister would end up like this.
"Then we'll take care of the dishes and cleaning, so Jia, you go rest."
"Yes."
"Oh, if there are any clothes to wash, give them to Haeun."
"..."
To the very end, the man kept pretending to be good in front of my sister. I nodded reluctantly. Even the sanctuary I had wanted to protect with everything I had... I ended up lending it to them for a while. I could have refused. But it wouldn't have changed anything anyway.
The chance of my sister returning to her old, sensitive self. The chance of Hinami returning to her old, cheerful self. ...The chance of me returning to who I used to be. None of those things existed anymore.