Massage
I looked at Rahi as she sniffled, then pressed the lock on the front door.
"Come here. Let's have a cup of coffee. You're cold."
"...Okay..."
She followed me inside with her head hung like a criminal's, my hand caught in hers. My eyes landed on the washing machine, and only then did I remember I'd thrown the sheets in. I hadn't taken them out in time, so they were sure to be a wrinkled mess, but there was nothing to be done about it.
"Sit for a minute."
"...Okay. Sniff..."
The little sniff nearly made me laugh. She'd worn the face of someone whose world had ended, and I'd been wondering what on earth was wrong. I slipped a capsule into the coffee machine and pulled the sheets from the washer. Rahi's panties came out tangled with them, but sadly, this was no time for teasing. I left them in the machine, gathered the sheets, and started for the bedroom—and when Rahi made to get up, I stopped her.
"Ah, I—I can..."
"Stay sitting. It won't take long."
"...Okay. I'm sorry..."
"You can do it next time."
At that she teared up all over again, scrubbing at her eyes with her wrist. Keep that up and the skin around her eyes was going to swell completely. I let out a small sigh; she flinched and drew both knees back up to her chest. I spread the sheets over the bed, and by then the capsule machine had started. I went over and brewed a second cup for myself.
"Here."
"...Thank you..."
She took the mug in both hands, stared blankly into it, then sniffled and drank. She looked so cute that I propped my chin on my hand and simply admired her face.
"Was it really that sad?"
"...Yes. Y-you went to so much trouble to hold me..."
"Why would that be trouble?"
"...Sniff."
"I held you, and you held me. It isn't a matter of one person giving and the other receiving. Am I wrong?"
"...Shinwoo..."
"I held you because you're lovely, and because you're cute. You think people say making love for no reason? Or wasn't it like that for you?"
"N-no! I... I like you too, so..."
"Then isn't that enough? If we want a child, there's always next time. Don't tell me you were thinking of not seeing me anymore."
Startled, Rahi wiped roughly at her tears with her palm and hurried to answer.
"No. It's not like that..."
"Then what's the problem? If your period started, we just try again once it's over, don't we? Things are tight right now, but we already said we'd look at houses together. Weren't we going to live together?"
"...Ah..."
Her eyes filled all over again. I reached out and wiped the tears away. Just as I'd thought—the skin of her reddened eyelids was so swollen it looked ready to go raw.
"I actually like it. Means we get to roll around in bed even more."
"...Shinwoo... Sniff..."
"Crying again. You don't really trust what I'm saying, do you."
"It's not that... I'm grateful, and I'm happy, that's why... Even though it's my fault..."
"How is that your fault? Did you think getting pregnant was that easy?"
"...B-but... I'm healthy, and you're healthy..."
"Health is part of it, sure, but the odds of conceiving aren't as high as people think to begin with. There are people who get pregnant every time they try, of course. We just weren't those people."
"...Okay. Sniff."
Only after a long while of soothing did Rahi seem to settle. Cute, though. It was a little absurd, the way the sobbing and carrying-on that ought to have come with a pregnancy had been swapped for this.
"Not that I don't have anything to regret."
Rahi, carefully lifting the mug to her lips, flinched and looked at me in a rush.
"Ah, I knew it..."
"Not like that. I can't be with you while you're on your period."
Her face went bright red. Embarrassed, she swallowed a mouthful of coffee and avoided my eyes.
"...I-if you want to..."
"No. The skin gets fragile, so it's easy to get hurt. You know how bad it is if that turns into an infection inside."
I didn't want to injure that precious place of hers, clean as it already was beyond measure. I knew well enough that something like vaginitis was a kind of common cold, but I didn't want Rahi catching even a small thing like that. And I didn't want her enduring every symptom that came with it.
"...Even so. I-if you want to, Shinwoo, as much as you like..."
"It's all right. Just being here with you like this is enough for me."
"...Me too..."
"Come here."
I tipped my head toward the space beside me. Rahi, who had been watching, crawled over on her knees and sat down. As she slowly leaned her head against my shoulder, I stroked her hair. We stayed like that without speaking, and little by little I felt the warmth returning to her body.
"Feeling a little better?"
"...Yes. Shinwoo."
"Hm?"
"...I love you."
For a moment she whispered the word I had been consciously avoiding. I'd used the language of love while comforting her without quite meaning to, but the sense had been different. What I'd said was closer to the act than to affection—though to Rahi it might have sounded like both. I wondered how long it had been since I'd said it aloud. Even so, there was no reason not to give it back. It was about time I let that memory go, too.
"...I love you too."
"...I know it's soon. But I... I can't hold it in anymore..."
"No. I told you. We're as good as family now."
"...Yes."
"Don't even ask me to step back. You knew what you were doing when you registered, didn't you?"
"...You're my man, Shinwoo. I'm never going anywhere..."
I met her eyes as she looked at me and stroked my cheek. Her face was still a mess, but that hardly mattered. The unwavering way she looked at me made even my heart tremble a little.
Our lips met lightly, and we felt each other there. I tasted the soft sweep of her tongue, kissed her slowly, and drew back. Then our eyes met again, and I quietly stroked her cheek.
"Then I suppose it's time you got scolded."
"...Ah..."
"Come in."
I slowly spread my legs. Rahi swallowed as she watched me, then crawled up into my arms, and I held her without a word. She pressed in deeper still, burrowing against me.
"Don't be careless with your body. All right?"
"...Yes. I'm sorry..."
"Does anything hurt?"
"No..."
"Is it usually like this? Or just this time?"
"I-it was always like this... It only hurt a little at the start..."
"And?"
"Th-this time it really started without me feeling anything at all..."
At that I stroked her body and ran a gentle hand over her stomach. She didn't look much different from usual. Even so, I asked once more.
"You're really all right?"
"...Yes. I... I only realized when it started to flow. Usually I get a sign..."
"So innocent. This would be a perfectly good time to say it hurts. Is my touch not to your liking?"
"No... It's so warm..."
As I kept stroking her belly, the strength gradually left her, and she leaned into me as if it felt good. No matter how much she insisted she was fine, I wasn't stupid enough to torment a woman on her period.
It wasn't as if I'd only been burned once or twice.
However fine Rahi claimed to be, this was actually what scared me more. Somewhere even she couldn't see, an enormous emotional bomb might be waiting. For someone sensitive, this was the kind of stretch where running away was the smart move.
If she isn't in pain, maybe she'll be all right. Still, I need to keep my head on straight.
But running didn't make the anger and the irritation disappear, so I figured soothing her properly like this was better. Until I learned where Rahi was likely to blow, I'd stick to the warm, civilized-man act.
"...Thank you... It's warm..."
"Did you eat?"
"...Yes."
"Then how did you spend today?"
"A-after we parted?"
"Yeah. I want to know how your day went."
"...Okay."
I listened to the soft, steady voice that followed and let my hand drift over her. As she murmured through what had happened, her expression had already gone gentle. There was nothing like sadness in it. Then, midway through a story about a friend, she suddenly stopped, swallowed, and her body stiffened a little.
"What's wrong?"
"It's... I... I told my friend about you..."
"Hm, did you? Everything?"
"...Yes. Haa..."
I studied her profile in silence, then began to stroke her breasts, slow and gentle. It was something I'd already heard from Hyunji, too. The moment I started kneading them without a word, the body that had gone briefly rigid burrowed deeper into my arms, as if she had been waiting.
"Were you waiting?"
"...Yes... Y-you weren't touching me..."
Listening to her admit she'd been waiting for my hands, I swept slowly over her breasts and caressed them. Full to the point of being firmly knotted, they felt unmistakably different from yesterday. Of course, with a bra and a T-shirt in the way, I couldn't be completely sure. I hadn't expected them to change this much in a single day. And from the slight furrow between her brows, there seemed to be a little pain in it as well.
"They really did get bigger."
"...Ah, it's still early..."
"...They get even bigger than this?"
"Haa... Yes... But... normally, haa... they just swell. This time they've gotten a little lumpy..."
It was the sort of thing that made me think she had no choice but to prefer a sports bra even on ordinary days. As I kept toying with her breasts, Rahi, who had been squirming, slowly stretched both legs out. I watched her toes fidget below them and whispered.
"Does it hurt?"
"...A little. Haa... I-it's only this time... Haah, it really isn't like this normally... I'm sorry... P-please don't mind it..."
I went on stroking her breasts as she answered in a voice thick with worry, rushing as if to make excuses. I had a rough idea why she was like this.
Fertilization might actually have happened.
I thought back to the conditions under which the mammary glands developed. From how firm her breasts felt, it seemed things had gotten as far as fertilization. She had simply failed at implantation. Of course, it was something I'd heard in a general-education class my freshman year, ten years ago, so I could be wrong. The memory was hazy, and it hardly mattered in the first place. I didn't want to confuse her with bad information, either. I kept my mouth shut and went on stroking her breasts.
"Haa..."
"...Feel good?"
"Yes... Haah... Your hands, Shinwoo... They're so gentle..."
"Tell me if it hurts."
"...It doesn't... hurt... It feels too good, if anything..."
"You're still working out even like this?"
"Yes... They make good sports bras these days..."
"They're pretty firm, though."
"Ahn... i-it's strange, isn't it...?"
"No. I like it."
"More— gulp... Please touch me more..."
Sexual pleasure was one thing, but breasts that were already full on an ordinary day had no business being fine after swelling like this. And yet, perhaps because of the stimulation caught between pain and pleasure, Rahi's breath began to come hotter and hotter.
"Haah... Your hands... They're so warm."
"I like my Rahi's breasts, too."
When I pressed my lips to her cheek and her neck, she swallowed and slowly tilted her head to the side, making it easier for me to kiss her.
"So. What did your friend say?"
"...Ah... Well... Sh-she said she wants to meet you once..."
"We'll be going to the gym together anyway."
"...Yes. Hnn... Sh-Shinwoo..."
Calling my name in a rush, she began to grip my thigh tight. Thinking I might have hurt her, I quickly loosened my hand and asked.
"Did that hurt?"
"N-no, I... I th-think I'm going to come..."
"...What? Already?"
"I-I don't know, it's rising too fast... Haah..."
"It felt that good?"
"Yes, ahn, i-it's strange... It feels too good, ah..."
The faint pain seemed to have fanned her pleasure instead. I watched her like that and slowly kept my hands moving.