The Tale of Lee Soo-rim — Chapter 5: Who Am I?
I watched Jung Ha-neul clean up every last bit of the meal on the table, and suddenly I asked,
“So why did you come to school?”
“Oh, I had a counseling session with my academic advisor this morning. It was the last one.”
“Aah. How’s the professor doing?”
“Yeah. He was worried about me because I took a medical leave.”
My academic advisor was a teacher I knew well. I had attended many of his classes and he had always looked out for me.
I should send him a quick message to check in later.
“What about your grandmother? Were you planning to go visit her?”
“No… visiting hours are still prohibited right now.”
My grandmother had already been in poor health even before I was admitted with SCPRS.
When my aunt’s mother-in-law and I lived together, it was fine, but after she passed away my grandmother’s condition deteriorated rapidly.
I had wanted to bring her to Seoul to live with me, but she refused. Sometimes I would travel down to take care of her.
Then her health worsened further and she was admitted to the hospital, and while she was there I contracted SCPRS.
While I was unconscious in the hospital, Ha-neul had gone to visit my grandmother in my place once before.
Back then I was sure she would remember him, but on that final visit she had no recollection at all. Of course I didn’t recognize him either.
That made sense. After all, a stranger calling her on the phone and speaking in a completely different voice.
I tried explaining for a long time, but she still couldn’t understand. Eventually I had to hang up.
“So… once my grandmother’s condition improves a bit, let’s go visit together.”
“Of course.”
“Then did you tell anyone else that I’m sick?”
“Yeah… I just told a few of the people who contacted me.”
“People? Who?”
“Friends like Jae-won or Do-hyun.”
Fortunately, several friends had reached out first after hearing that I was hospitalized.
Even though the treatment and recovery left me in a constant state of exhaustion, I had given them a brief explanation of my situation.
The school affairs office staff and my professors might already know. Since I had attached the medical documents for my leave, they were informed.
“But I decided not to say it myself. I was the one who got sick. After the semester starts and I go to school, it’ll come out eventually anyway.”
“Yeah, smart thinking. You didn’t have to announce it yourself. You don’t have any friends anyway.”
“Facts.”
That was true.
You needed friends to talk about something like that.
“You’re in your final semester, right?”
“Yeah. I graduate in autumn. What about you?”
“I’ve got two semesters left.”
Ha-neul had returned from military service, enrolled without a term break, and was now in his seventh semester. I had finished six semesters when SCPRS struck.
“So how many credits are you taking this final semester?”
“Six, probably. But it has to be perfect when I register tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow? Registration is tomorrow?”
I quickly checked the academic calendar. It was indeed tomorrow—February 10th, starting at 10 a.m.
Wow, I had almost missed it.
“Wow.”
“You didn’t know?”
“I was so wrapped up in everything I completely forgot.”
I was lucky I hadn’t messed it up. Later I would have to check the course list at home.
If I couldn’t register this time, graduation would be delayed by another six months, so I had to do it somehow. Even though illness had left me distracted.
It was good I caught it now.
While Ha-neul finished eating, I sipped water and we talked about everything. My condition, the things that happened in the hospital, the civil servants who visited this morning.
When I mentioned that I could receive a monthly emergency support fund of one million won for a year, Ha-neul asked me if there was any place I might catch SCPRS.
“You don’t have to hide it from me. Tell me too.”
“I want to know that as well. How did I end up like this?”
I let out a sigh.
I had only the memory of working part-time until my head felt like it was splitting. My condition had been bad for a while before, but who would think that meant I was becoming a woman?
I woke up to find my entire body tied down and that I was a woman.
It was a disease, a viral one, and while it wasn’t contagious, its minimal transmissibility was something of a relief.
If it weren’t for that, I might not even have been able to walk around like this now.
I might have been locked in a closed ward, unable to do anything, mourning my lost freedom.
While I was lost in thought, Jung Ha-neul wiped the floor clean with the last bit of seasoning and then dried his mouth.
He ate well. I was envious.
“Should we head out?”
“Yeah, I need to use the restroom for a bit.”
I stood up to go to the restroom. I had drunk a lot of water, so my bladder felt somewhat full.
I walked toward the restroom next to the first-floor kitchen. The men’s was on the left, the women’s on the right.
My legs felt heavier now. Uhh… come on. I flung open the door.
“Mommy, student! Over there!”
The owner came running out from the hall.
“Y-yes…?”
“The women’s restroom is this way. Oh man, these days if you do that you’ll have a huge~ problem.”
The owner opened the door for me instead.
Not the left one, but the right.
The door to the women’s restroom.
Oh.
“Ah… th-thank you.”
I closed the door behind me and stepped inside.
I… no, that’s right. Yeah, that’s right.
Now I had to use the women’s restroom.
In the ward there was no need to use the women’s restroom. There was a separate private restroom for patients inside the isolation room that didn’t distinguish between men and women.
Since most SCPRS patients were alone anyway, that restroom was never used by others.
I had used only that one until my body recovered, and even after I could walk better I still didn’t use the public ones outside.
SCPRS patients had extremely fragile bones and joints during recovery, and a caregiver had to follow me everywhere. Going to the restroom together would have been… embarrassing.
Inside the ward I could move freely, so when I needed to go I would simply return to the isolation room.
“Uuu…”
So,
This was the first time.
Using the women’s restroom.
In over twenty years I had never seen a women’s toilet.
Instead, there were several high-partition toilets, each in its own enclosed stall.
The doors were closed.
No one else was there. So it was just me. Probably.
But I knew that,
For some reason I kept imagining people behind each of those closed doors.
Standing there in confusion, the door suddenly opened and someone shouted “What are you!” staring at me like I was a stranger…
No, no. Why was I thinking that? Snap out of it.
It was just a restroom.
I flung the door open and stepped inside.
No one was there. Just an ordinary restroom with toilets.
I finished quickly and rushed out.
I washed my hands fast. While pumping the soap I sighed to myself. Something felt pathetic and filled me with self-loathing.
… Yeah. Becoming a woman meant this was normal now.
I had to get used to it. Get used to it.
I went to turn off the faucet to dry my hands… but the water kept flowing. Huh, I definitely turned it off.
I looked at the sink,
And beside it,
There was a woman. She was staring at me oddly through the mirror.
“Eek!”
W-w-what, what. When? When?
B-but I definitely felt no presence earlier.
When I moved around by myself, her gaze shifted from curiosity to suspicion.
“Y-you’re Song-hee!”
I backed out of the restroom in a hurry. Fast, fast, get out. Ah, the bill. The bill.
I took out my card and walked to the counter. The owner smiled and waved.
“Your boyfriend already paid and left~.”
“Ah, ah, y-yes. Thank you. And he’s not my boyfriend.”
I had to do what I had to do.
Ha-neul wasn’t my boyfriend.
Just thinking about it made me want to die. Ugh, gross.
Ha-neul was waiting outside the store, staring at his phone.
When I came out, his expression looked a little brighter than usual.
What was that look? It felt weird.
“What. Why.”
“The other day if you do that you’ll have a huge~ problem. You really should check the restroom after you go.”
“Xkid, just drop it.”
“You don’t have any friends anymore.”
“Damn it. Don’t remind me.”
“Did anyone come to the restroom?”
“Yeah. It was embarrassing as hell.”
“Yo, seriously, man… sorry, but just laugh a little.”
Ha-neul twisted his body and laughed. That loud laugh felt really bad.
How could I not laugh back? A kick to the shin?
I lifted my leg, then lowered it again. My thighs and Ha-neul’s thighs looked at least three times thicker.
If I kicked him now my newly broken bones would snap right away.
Ha-neul stopped laughing, still smiling brightly.
“Yo, the restaurant auntie seems to like you. She told me your girlfriend is really pretty.”
“My girlfriend… damn, who has a girlfriend. And you have a girlfriend.”
As a friend it felt a bit awkward to say that, but Ha-neul was the kind of person who carried himself well.
With a few close friends he could drop the act and act like an idiot, but with most people he remained consistently nice and kind.
He looked out for seniors and juniors, classmates, hometown friends—there was never a shortage of people around him.
He had a handsome face, tall height, great body, and a good personality.
Born naturally as an extreme introvert and a master at being alone, he and I were too different.
Anyway, from the day I met Ha-neul in middle school, someone had always been by his side.
Even before I fell ill, he was dating a girl for over a year. I had heard the rumors.
But Ha-neul only raised an eyebrow.
“We broke up.”
“Huh, when? Really? With Ji-yeon?”
“Yeah. About two or three months after you collapsed.”
Oh no… I didn’t know that. I felt sorry.
I remembered that Ha-neul’s girlfriend—well, former girlfriend now—and Ji-yeon had gotten along well. Their personalities matched.
“Did you not date anyone after that?”
“Yeah. I was too busy with work. I’ll have to find a job soon too.”
“…”
If that was how he felt, I had nothing to say.
While we were chatting, the intersection between the side door and main gate appeared. From there we could walk down to Gongdeok Station to catch the subway, or go up the hill to my boarding house.
“Are you taking the subway?”
“Yeah.”
Ha-neul’s house was near Oksu Station. He could get there directly on the Gyeongui-Jungang Line.
“I’ll just go up the hill then.”
“Yeah, be careful.”
“Yeah. See you at the gate.”
I turned to head back up the slope.
“Yo, Lee Soo-rim.”
Ha-neul called me.
I turned around. Ha-neul looked at me with a faint smile, the playful glint gone from his eyes.
“You’re still just you. Don’t worry too much.”
Then he turned and walked down the hill.
What? What did that mean?
I climbed the hill back to my boarding house. There were still patches of snow, so it was slippery—be careful, be careful.
…
Who am I, really?
Am I still me?