Full
That was me.
Lee Soo-rim.
After I had declared who I was, Ha-neul’s first words weren’t “how have you been” or “are you okay” or even “what happened.”
“Bullshit,”
Ha-neul said, eyes widening.
“Seriously, man. Whoa. Bullshit.”
…. I felt a strange chill settle over me.
Just what kind of reaction had I been expecting, anyway?
Actually, I hadn’t been expecting any kind of reaction at all, but starting with “bullshit” was… a bit much.
Or was it? It made sense.
If Ha-neul had turned into a woman, how would I have reacted?
[Wow, bullshit. Is this real?]
Probably. It would have been similar.
“Wait, is this really Lee Soo-rim? Are you filming something? That kind of thing? Or is Soo-rim hiding somewhere?”
“Shut up, man, will you?”
“Yeah, it’s definitely you. Dude, I can’t even recognize you. I was about to ask for your number.”
“Fuck. How disgusting.”
Ha-neul coming over to take my number?
I’d rather have that nightmare than the one I’d already had last night.
Why had she become so sharp while I wasn’t looking?
Because I kept being so hateful, maybe he’d thought, “okay, that’s enough joking,” and stopped.
“Still, it doesn’t look like it hurts much. Can you walk around normally?”
“Yeah. I still can’t jump or anything. The doctors said the joints aren’t ready for it yet.”
I lifted my leg.
A leg that was nothing like the one I used to have—delicate, fragile, almost fragile.
“Hey, what kind of clothes are those?”
Ha-neul pointed at my outfit.
The black long padded coat I wore over my joggers. More precisely, the black long parka with “Dohwa University Hospital” written across the chest.
“There’s nothing in my closet that fits anymore. The hospital gave me one.”
“Ah, right. If you shrink that much, everything would be too big.”
Unfortunately… that was exactly what had happened. When I got home I looked through everything I owned and found nothing that fit. Even the basic T-shirts I used to wear hung off my shoulders now and looked like they belonged to someone else.
They could have been forced down, but the pants kept slipping no matter how I tried to tie them. Coats were basically stolen from Ha-neul.
I really should clean out my closet. Ugh, when was I going to get around to it?
“Well, anyway, it’s good to see you. Let’s get inside somewhere and talk. It’s freezing out here.”
“What do you want to eat?”
“Woo-ri Doo-ri?”
Woo-ri Doo-ri was a local Korean restaurant right next to the side gate of Dohwa University. It was famous for its affordable Osam-bulgogi served at two-person portions for five thousand won.
It had been one of the places Ha-neul and I went to for lunch back when we were students. The two of us ordering Osam-bulgogi with an extra bowl of rice each would finish the meal in no time.
“Let’s go. Did they open today?”
“Yep. I saw it on my way over earlier.”
Woo-ri Doo-ri sat right beside the side gate. The moment I stepped inside, the familiar face of the owner greeted us with a bright smile.
“Hello~”
“Long time no see, students? You’ve been hard to spot lately.”
“Hehe, I went home for a bit.”
“Really? Come more often once the semester starts~. Sit right here in front. I’ll get you some water.”
“Thank you. Umma, two portions of Osam-bulgogi and two extra bowls of rice, please.”
“Okay~…. Oh? Can you really finish that?”
The owner took our order and looked at us with a puzzled expression.
Normally, whenever we came here, the owner would quietly add an extra bowl of rice for each of us without being asked. I glanced at Ha-neul.
We exchanged a look that said, Why is he doing this?
Ha-neul’s eyes narrowed for a moment.
“Umma, just one extra bowl, please.”
“Coming right up~.”
The owner disappeared into the kitchen, and Ha-neul whispered in a small voice.
“You ordered exactly the way I used to. Two bowls of rice.”
Ah. Now that he mentioned it, that made sense. I wasn’t the old me anymore.
I looked down at myself. Even under the thick padded coat I was still small.
When I was at the hospital, the only thing they served was liquid food. The first real meal I’d had after returning home, I could barely manage half of the portion I used to eat.
Any more than that, and my body felt like it was rejecting the food. I’d even tried to force myself to eat more for the calories and ended up throwing it back up.
Two bowls of rice was way too much for the current state of my stomach.
Two bowls—half for meat and sides, the rest to mix with the sauce and bean sprouts. Tch.
I watched Ha-neul peel off his padded coat. He still looked like the same big guy.
The muscles showing beneath his black sweater were still thick and solid. He could probably eat three bowls without a problem.
…. Had Ha-neul always looked like this? Something about him seemed… a little taller than I remembered. His sitting height was noticeably higher, his nose higher too. I guess he just looked bigger to me from below…
“You still working out?”
“Huh? Yeah, I do, but not as much as before. I almost got a herniated disc from squatting once. Why?”
“No, I just thought you looked bigger than I remember.”
“What? No, it’s because you’re smaller now. I’ve actually lost weight lately.”
Ha-neul said, chewing on the side dish of roasted chestnuts.
Oh. So it was just because I was smaller that it looked like that.
Right. Before, our eye levels were about the same, but now that I was so much shorter, the way people looked really did change.
“H-how about me?”
“Huh?”
Ha-neul, who had been crushing the chestnuts in his palm, looked at me.
“You’ve changed. There’s still a bit of your old self left, isn’t there?”
Ha-neul set his plate down and stared at me slowly. His eyes were sharp, no trace of a smile in them.
While I was under that gaze, an unfamiliar unease crept over me.
I didn’t know what it was about. I was just uneasy. The way he was looking, the sharpness of his eyes, the thoughts hidden behind pupils that never gave much away.
“Honestly, at first I thought you were completely different.”
Ha-neul picked up his salad plate this time.
“But now that I look at it, I can still see a little of your old face.”
“Really? Where?”
“I don’t know. Nowhere specific, but… eyes? No, maybe not eyes. Just… you.”
Ah. That was good.
Relief washed over me as I watched Ha-neul destroy his salad.
Because it was Ha-neul—the one person I had known the longest and understood me best—who was telling me this.
That I hadn’t become some completely different person. That I still had parts of myself left. I liked it.
“Hey, Ha-neul.”
“What?”
“Bring more salad and chestnuts.”
While Ha-neul went to get the side dishes, the food arrived. But as I stared at it, I felt an impulse I had almost never experienced in my life.
I wanted to shove everything into my mouth right then. Stuff my cheeks until they burst. Fill my body until it looked ready to explode.
The sizzling Osam-bulgogi. The beautifully grilled pork belly. The plump squid. Mountain-like piles of bean sprouts and green onions.
And over all of it, the bright red, spicy sauce that coated everything.
“Hey, hey, eat it properly.”
Ha-neul stirred the sauce with the side dishes.
The flavors soaked in, the cabbage turned silky, the thick sauce thinned out, the onions went soft.
Honestly, before I met Ha-neul my stomach had been empty, but I hadn’t felt like I was about to starve to death.
Even before I became a woman, I sometimes skipped meals when I was busy.
I could enjoy delicious food, but it never gave me that big rush of happiness.
But now I finally understood. My appetite had shrunk, and it wasn’t all my fault.
The bland, soft hospital food had been suppressing my instincts.
I scooped a wide portion with my spoon. White rice. Kimchi powder. Sesame oil.
I couldn’t hold back anymore and brought the spoon to my lips.
“It’s insanely delicious.”
“That good, huh?”
Ah, I should have just ordered another bowl of rice earlier. I could have mixed it all with the sauce and finished it.
I stopped talking and started moving the spoon. Ha-neul didn’t say much either and ate quietly.
Happy. Satisfied. Refreshing. Tears almost came out.
The thoughts I’d been having about my existence and the changes felt like they belonged to someone from years ago.
Ah, internal struggles—why do they ever seem so pointless?
Existence and non-existence, all remnants return to Osam-bulgogi.
“Were you hungry?”
“Yeah.”
“I see…”
When you thought about it, I had been hungry. I’d left the hospital and hadn’t eaten anything except water or drinks.
So I really needed to eat properly here.
I had to eat…
But an unpleasant feeling was rising from my stomach.
I paused the spoon. The Osam-bulgogi was still mostly left. I hadn’t even finished half the rice bowl.
There was still so much food left, and I hadn’t even reached the peak of fullness, yet
I felt it. Fullness.
“Why aren’t you eating?”
Ha-neul said, chewing his rice.
He scooped some rice, placed pork belly and squid on top, dipped them lightly in the sauce, and brought them to his mouth.
Chew, chew.
But I couldn’t swallow.
It was clear. My stomach was completely full. I couldn’t eat another bite.
“I’m full.”
“…What?”
Ha-neul looked at me blankly.
I sighed.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but when I couldn’t even finish the hospital food, I thought it was just because it tasted bad.
It turned out my stomach had shrunk to an F-tier size.
“I can’t eat anymore. You eat it.”
“Yeah, okay…”
