Chapter 104: What Must Explode Will Explode (4)
104. What Must Explode Will Explode (4)
The first place Hajin headed after pulling himself together was the shower.
Though his body was in the exact same state as when he'd washed and slept just yesterday, the "real" Hajin's perception was entirely different.
"......"
He scrubbed himself clean and changed clothes. Even though he thought, I'll just regress again anyway, he meticulously recreated his "original" daily routine—one he'd previously neglected. He even forced down breakfast, which he'd been skipping due to lack of appetite. By the time he finished, it was already around 11 AM.
Ah, now...
The endlessly repeating day flowed exactly the same as always. Because Hajin still hadn't made any different choices to change this day.
Then there's still... about an hour left.
Yu-geon, whom he and Si-woo had locked in a room to cool his head, always packed his bags and left the dorm around this time whenever his withdrawal request was denied. It was lunchtime, so both trainees and staff would be away.
What should he do for this hour?
Would that hour even come?
What if someone did something differently and the flow changed?
What if he ended up regressing again?
Once the thoughts started, they bred more thoughts, coiling around his mind like chains. The serpentine tangles of anxiety now felt like shackles gripping his entire body.
At that exact moment, he didn't know why these words surfaced:
My grandmother used to say—when you're scared because you're thinking too much, just stop thinking.
But who had said that to him? More fundamentally—was it even possible not to think?
Hajin was someone who had to think endlessly. A person who lived by understanding, agonizing, and remembering everything. That's why this current situation was unbearably painful. There were simply too many things he had to remember.
When was it... when was it that I managed to stop thinking?
Hajin thought again.
Then, from the countless repeated days, moments when he'd most easily shaken off distracting thoughts came to mind.
Hajin rose and headed somewhere.
"......"
He arrived at a practice room on the fifth floor.
<♥Candy Crush Team's Love-Filled Practice Room♥>
The door was plastered with an incongruously cutesy sign covered in cramped handwriting. Hajin knocked.
Three loud raps—knock knock knock.
Almost immediately, footsteps rushed toward the door.
"Who is— Oh? Hajin-hyung?"
"Haru."
"Y-yes?"
"Tell me something funny. Hyung's depressed."
Haru blinked his round eyes at Hajin's abrupt demand after knocking. Who even is this guy? Behind him, Tae-hyun approached the pair.
"Hajin-hyung suddenly told me to make him laugh!"
"What? ...Sigh. I can tell without looking. Come in first."
Tae-hyun, who'd already heard the gist from Eun-chan and Yu-geon, ushered Hajin inside. Practice seemed to be in full swing—teammates of Tae-hyun and Haru greeted Hajin.
"Guys, let's show Hajin-hyung our stage once. Cool?"
"Wait, really? Hajin-hyung's scary though."
"Huh? Hajin's scary?"
"No way! What if Hajin-hyung's a spy?!"
As Hajin expected, Tae-hyun's Team 2 members were all noisy and lively. Dragged by Tae-hyun's hand, Hajin sat with his back to the practice mirror. The sensation against his skin was beyond cool—it was icy. Somehow, it made him feel alive.
The stage Candy Crush Team had prepared was quite fun and cute. Whether to emphasize being the team with the lowest average age, every segment overflowed with adorable, refreshing energy.
Our team's stage is fun too.
Watching them, Hajin recalled their own preparations.
The choreography Won-ho completed with Yu-geon's help was impressive even by Hajin's standards.
Doha and Yu-geon's rap synchronization was coming along, and for trainees still awkward with "sexy," Yu-geon's instinctive, wild gestures served as excellent reference. Above all—Yu-geon, wearing a choker at center, radiating intense energy, had looked cool.
"......"
While lost in thought, Candy Crush Team's song ended.
Haa, ha— Catching their breath, the chick-like kids stared at Hajin with eyes mixing anticipation and dread. We did well, right? We did good, yeah? Their pride seemed equally matched by wariness of Hajin's brutally honest feedback since Team B days.
Hajin studied each trainee's expression before standing.
"Hajin-hyung! How was it?"
Haru asked with sparkling eyes, as if wagging an invisible tail.
The corners of Hajin's lips curved beautifully upward.
"Good. You'll take first, guys."
"......!"
"Gasp. Thank you!"
"...If only our team weren't in the running."
"......!!!"
Ah, hyung!
At Jae-young's complaining tone, Hajin's face regained its usual mischievous edge as he blinked his neatly groomed brows.
"Jealous? Then show your abs~"
"How can we show abs with our concept?!"
"Whoa, abs in that? Cheating! Foul!"
"He is a spy! Just scouting our stage—how cowardly!"
Lightly ignoring the noisy reactions, Hajin left without farewells. As he slowly headed back toward the dorm area, the time had nearly come.
Hajin's steps instinctively led to the emergency exit stairs.
Rrrrr— The sound of rolling luggage echoed.
Last time, that noise had made him see red—he'd lunged at Yu-geon and tumbled down the stairs. Without immediate regression, Hajin had spent hours with a fractured leg.
Of course, that was all erased now.
"Leaving now?"
"...Ah."
Yu-geon, sneaking downstairs with his suitcase, startled at Hajin's voice and stepped back. His luggage nearly tumbled down again, but Hajin deftly caught the handle and righted it.
"...Sorry to you hyungs. I'll live regretting this forever."
Before Hajin could speak, Yu-geon led with apology.
Only now did Hajin realize—
Through countless repetitions, Yu-geon's first words were always "I'm sorry."
...He was only seeing it now.
"Yu-geon."
"...?"
"Before leaving, have one meal with me. With hyung."
So Hajin decided—today, he'd try making a different choice.
"......"
"......"
The silence wasn't awkward for Yu-geon. The situation was.
Just me and this hyung? Eating? Pork belly rice at that?
"What. Don't like pork?"
"Ah, no. I'm not picky."
"Eat up. You'll need stamina to drag that home."
Hajin jerked his chin toward Yu-geon's suitcase.
What's this? A guilt trip?
But Hajin's expression remained remarkably nonchalant. Layering lettuce, perilla leaves, and pickled radish, he expertly wrapped a huge bite and devoured it. He ate so deliciously that even Yu-geon—who'd lost all appetite since Episode 3—felt his stomach growl just watching.
...Well, refusing free food would be stupid.
Unable to resist Hajin's wrap attack, Yu-geon naturally picked up his chopsticks. About to load just meat—skipping veggies—perilla leaves suddenly covered his meat before he could blink. He'd somehow become someone who ate meat topped with leaves.
"...?"
"Wrap it properly, kid. Digests better."
"You're worried about my stomach now?"
"You're always popping digestive pills. From bad digestion."
Casually eating soybean paste stew, his tone suggested he'd genuinely been watching Yu-geon all along.
What's with this hyung? Yu-geon's face seemed to ask. Hajin, crunching into a cucumber dipped in ssamjang, suddenly pfft-laughed.
"So who did you think brought pain patches and digestive pills to our practice room?"
"That'd be manager hyung... Ah."
The rookie development staffer in charge of Yu-geon and Blue Flare Team had been fired after the recent incident.
Another staffer temporarily handled both Candy Crush and Blue Flare, but only the fired one had known about Yu-geon occasionally needing digestive pills.
"So you brought them? Why?"
"Si-woo hyung told me to."
"Huh?"
"Si-woo hyung knew. That you sometimes take pills and always apply patches before practice. Saw it during special class and Team A missions."
"......"
This too was unexpected.
To Yu-geon, Jung Si-woo seemed the trainee least interested in him. Frankly, it'd be lucky if Si-woo didn't dislike him—Yu-geon knew rumors about himself had affected Si-woo too.
That Si-woo knew his habits—even asked Hajin to look after him—felt strangely new.
"Ever done part-time?"
"Part-time? Suddenly?"
"I worked at a BBQ place. You?"
"...Are you flexing part-time jobs at Alba-mon in this era?"
Yu-geon's shoulders, tensed anticipating persuasion, abruptly relaxed.
What? Did he really just want one last meal together?
That was nice, yet somehow disappointing. But since he had no answer if asked to stay, this conversation suited him better.
Once the ice broke, things flowed smoothly.
Hajin excelled at drawing out topics without triggering discomfort.
And truthfully, Yu-geon wasn't the type to dislike conversation. People just avoided approaching him, intimidated by his looks.
"Finished eating."
"Yeah."
"Wrapping makes it tastier, right?"
Hajin had topped every piece of meat with greens until Yu-geon emptied two bowls.
At that point, Yu-geon could've wrapped some himself, but stubbornly kept eating just meat until this happened.
Putting veggies on meat to force wraps? Stuff tiger hyungs did in elementary.
Remembering his younger brothers (Yu-ho and Yu-rang), Yu-geon's movements slowed.
After a solid meal and casual chat momentarily distracting him, reality began resurfacing.
If I quit... will I only get half the appearance fee? Since I'll leave the agency too, living costs... Maybe I should drop out. Shouldn't have quit the convenience store. Need to contact the manager—
One, two—the thoughts swarmed until his vision darkened.
But backing out now wasn't easy.
He still had no intention to debut, life was hard, and he lacked confidence his attitude would improve.
Anyway, these hyungs... need my spot filled, not me specifically.
With their outstanding skills, they'd quickly cover for someone like him. Though now they're panicking over the gap, once they practice as five, they'll think it's for the best.
Hajin spoke exactly as those thoughts mushroomed to consume Yu-geon.
"Yu-geon."
Will he tell me not to quit again? Say "stop the irresponsible talk and return to practice"?
Though Hajin had never actually said that, Yu-geon somehow feared his next words.
"Won't you regret it?"
"...?"
"Really quitting now—won't you regret it? Our stage?"
"......"
Contrary to worries,
"I'd regret it too much. Our stage."
Hajin's words and voice were warm, kind.
Perhaps the exact comfort Yu-geon needed.