Should I Start by Sawing Off Your Legs?
I had no idea what to do about this. No, seriously—how the hell did she even find me? She really, truly tracked me down in the end. My former party member, one of those insane women: Rahel.
I cracked my eyes open just a sliver, pretending to still be unconscious, and carefully observed her. “Mmm~ Hmm-hmm~♪”
Dressed in her robe, she had me tied tightly to a chair and was humming cheerfully while sharpening something with intense focus. Scrape. Scrape. The unpleasant sound of metal grinding against metal filled the room.
Luckily, it seemed she still thought I was out cold from that hammer blow. Come on, I’m an S-rank adventurer who’s been through every kind of battle. You think one hit from a hammer would knock me out? Sometimes she could be surprisingly naive and—
…Wait, what the hell am I thinking? Have I lost my mind? There’s no way Rahel could ever be innocent. She’s a hardcore yandere living at the very bottom of the deep end!
The moment my survival instincts screamed in warning, the traumas I’d tried to bury came crashing over me like a tsunami. The time she hurled an axe at a tavern waitress just because I’d exchanged a few light jokes with her. The suffocating memory of her drawing a blade to my throat and forcing me to accept a date after I tried to refuse. And the time she spent months subtly tormenting the pretty new vice-guildmaster until the woman finally quit the guild of her own accord.
The more I remembered, the more my stomach churned. How could I have forgotten these nightmares? Maybe my brain had blocked out the terror, but my body remembered perfectly—that’s why it was instinctively playing dead right now.
Please, please, just don’t do anything… I prayed silently in my heart.
Right at that moment, the sound of sharpening metal abruptly stopped.
Huh? Is she done?
“Wake up, Park Mujin. I know you’re not really unconscious.”
Hiiik! Cold sweat poured down my spine like a waterfall. She knew I was faking it! Of course there was no way that devilish woman could ever be naive.
“O-oh, really? Haha… I was just trying to make things easier for you by playing along…”
I forced an awkward laugh and lifted my head. The first thing that filled my vision was the saw she had been so lovingly sharpening just moments ago.
W-wait a second.
“Rahel? W-what are you planning to do with that…?”
“What do you think? I told you I’d make sure you can never run away again. If you want to stay by my side forever, what do you think we should do?”
S-surely not…
Rahel’s lips stretched into a grotesquely wide grin as she pressed the cold saw blade against my thigh.
“I suppose I should start by sawing off those two legs of yours, right?”
A chill shot up my spine. This was no empty threat meant to scare me. I had personally witnessed a cocky mercenary get his legs cut off at the knees exactly three seconds after she flashed that same twisted smile and raised the saw.
Think, damn it. What’s the fastest, most reliable way to stop that saw?
I frantically dug through the survival instincts and desperate memories that had been seared into my bones after years of rolling around with these crazy women. Of course, no amount of battle-hardened experience was going to give me a perfect counter against a genuine lunatic trying to saw off my thigh right now.
Still, I had to stop my legs from being cut off at all costs. A farmer’s legs are his life!
I forcibly pulled my trembling facial muscles into the most blissfully happy smile I could manage, showing every tooth and gum.
“R-Rahel! Let’s calm down first… How about we talk this out, yeah?”
“Talk about what? I don’t believe a word you say anymore.”
Rahel’s blood-red eyes flashed with a terrifying gleam.
“You’re just planning to sweet-talk me with that flashy tongue of yours and run away again, aren’t you? I’m not falling for that trick anymore. Oh! Maybe instead…”
She smoothly slid the saw blade from my thigh up to my chin.
“Should I cut out that seductive three-inch tongue of yours first? Hehehehe.”
Hiiiiiik!
I’d tried to save my legs, but now I was facing an absolute crisis where even my tongue might get confiscated. With threats like this being an everyday occurrence, how could I have possibly stayed and endured instead of running away in the middle of the night?
This was a life-or-death moment. I had to find some way to overcome this situation using the very same seductive three-inch tongue that had nearly been sawed off moments ago.
My survival instincts had been screaming at me since earlier. There was one “magic cheat key” that could instantly subdue Rahel—the one thing she went absolutely crazy for. The problem was, the moment I played that card, my peaceful life as a human being would be over forever.
…Actually, the moment Rahel broke in, my peace was already shattered, wasn’t it? Even so, I wanted to protect at least that last shred of human dignity!
While I was desperately racking my brain, Rahel tilted her head.
“Hmm, or maybe I should gouge out those pretty eyes? Then you’d have no choice but to depend on me for the rest of your life, right? Wow, just thinking about it makes me so excited!”
C-crazy! First the legs, then the tongue, and now the eyeballs?! Was she seriously planning to turn me into a living doll?
If I kept my mouth shut any longer, the list of body parts about to be sawed off would only keep growing in real time. Ugh, I have no choice. Survival first.
“R-Rahel… I actually have something I really need to tell you…”
“Oh? What is it? I’ll listen to whatever you want to say before I rip your tongue out. Of course, I’ll only be listening.”
I forced moisture into my eyes until they glistened with fat tears. Time to channel an award-winning actor.
“Do you know… why I quit being a guild adventurer and settled down in this remote countryside village?”
“Why?”
“That’s because…”
I looked up at her with the most wistful, fatally charming gaze I could muster.
“…It was all so I could give you a surprise gift. I wanted to live here quietly with just the two of us, without any interruptions. How does that sound? Do you like it?”
“……”
Rahel stared at me piercingly, her smile completely gone. D-did it work? As expected of my survival acting—!
Clang!
The saw blade suddenly thrust right under my chin.
“Looks like I should start with the tongue after all. Look how shamelessly you’re lying through your teeth.”
“H-hiiiiik!”
No! It didn’t work at all! I could practically hear my meager pride shattering into pieces.
“I get it!! It’s all my fault! I’ll be your dog! I’ll be your loyal hound who only looks at you for the rest of my life!!!”
I finally spat out the ultimate trump card I had been holding back. In that instant, Rahel’s lips stretched into a grotesque grin that reached all the way to her ears.
“…You’ll become my dog?”
“Yes! Your dog! I’ll be the perfect mutt who bites when you tell me to bite and barks when you tell me to bark!”
I screamed it while swallowing bloody tears inside. Dignity? There was no way that pathetic pride could be more important than my two legs. For now, I would bend completely. Adventurer’s pride or whatever—first I had to survive with all my limbs intact.
Clatter!
Only then did Rahel toss the saw onto the floor. Then she lunged at me like a wild beast and wrapped me in a crushing hug.
“Ugh…!!”
I-I can’t breathe! On top of the physical pressure, the enormous mass of her chest was smothering my face.
“Haa… I’ve finally found the right position, my pretty puppy.”
“Mmph, mmph! B-breath… let me breathe…!”
When I started struggling, Rahel reluctantly loosened her embrace. But she immediately grabbed both my cheeks with her hands and stared straight into my eyes.
“Hmm? That’s strange. Why is a dog speaking human words?”
S-surely she doesn’t mean… She was going to make me do that humiliating play for real?
“You have to bark, my little poop puppy. Say ‘woof woof.’”
Haha, maybe it would’ve been better if she just cut out my tongue.
“B-but… I’m still technically a human, so actually making dog noises is a bit…”
The moment I hesitated and mumbled, the smile vanished from Rahel’s face and her gaze returned to the saw on the floor.
“I-I’ll do it! I’ll bark! I’ll bark, so please stop looking at that saw!!”
“Good boy. Now let me hear you bark prettily.”
Gulp. I swallowed dryly and squeezed my eyes shut. Fine. I’d just bark. Resisting here would only lead to a “thigh amputation ending.” The only current survival strategy was to act like I had completely surrendered and lull her madness to sleep.
Throwing away all shame, I switched into perfect pet-dog mode.
“Woof… woof!”
“What was that? It’s too quiet.”
Damn it!
“Woof woof! Bark bark!! Grrr, woof woof woof!”
“Kyaaaaah! You’re so cute! Now you’re perfectly my pet dog, my dear Mujin!”
The moment I started barking like a dog, Rahel let out a joyful cry as if she owned the world and began hopping and skipping around the small house like a madwoman. Tied to the chair, I quietly shed tears while watching her deranged tap dance.
My peace… goodbye.
Then the tap dance suddenly stopped. Rahel froze like a machine that had been switched off, and with an eerily calm expression, she began walking toward me.
Again?! What now, you crazy woman?!
“But Mujin. Now that I think about it, you said the exact same thing last time. That you’d be my dog for the rest of your life.”
“T-this time I mean it! I swear! There’s no one to interfere anymore, and it’s just the two of us!”
“It’s true those two annoying bitches aren’t around anymore, but… no, I’m still anxious.”
Rahel’s red eyes darkened.
“My little poop puppy might break his leash and run away again, right?”
Damn it, I even barked for you—what more is making you anxious?!
“I’m telling you, I’ll really, truly become a dog that only looks at you for the rest of my life! Bark bark!”
“Hmm… Words aren’t enough. I need a clear ‘mark.’”
A mark? What kind of mark? Was she going to heat up an iron poker and brand me?!
“R-Rahel…! W-we don’t need something like a mark between us—mmph?!”
In that instant, everything went dark as Rahel’s soft lips crashed violently against mine. Taking advantage of my surprised, parted lips, her hot tongue pushed inside without hesitation and began exploring my mouth.
Slurp. Chuuup—
A kiss?! Of course it was a hundred, a thousand times better than being branded with a red-hot iron…! But if things went this way… Hngh.
How much time had passed? By the time I was gasping for air because of the ropes binding me, Rahel slowly pulled her lips away. Her cheeks were flushed bright red, her eyes were glazed with seductive haze, and a thin string of saliva still connected our lips.
Breathing heavily, she whispered stickily into my ear.
“Haa… It’s been so long since I tasted these lips. Hey, Mujin.”
Her cool fingers slowly traced down the back of my neck.
“Our pretty puppy. Tonight, you have to play with your Owner until we’re both completely exhausted. Got it?”
Haa… I’m so screwed.
Forget my peaceful retirement life as a farmer—at this rate, I’d be lucky if I could even walk on my own two feet tomorrow morning.