Revenge and Anxiety
Whether I knew it or not, that maid clearly did not sit well with him at all.
It felt as if my innermost thoughts had been laid bare, and I unconsciously averted my eyes from His Majesty’s gaze.
“There must be a reason you oppose it so strongly. Very well, Ishtel. Do as you wish.”
“Are you truly certain it will be all right?”
A needless wave of guilt made me ask. His Majesty simply nodded, telling me not to trouble myself.
“I simply felt uneasy about it.”
A bitter undertone lingered in His Majesty’s voice.
“That maid seemed to be around your age. Similar in years, similar in her gaunt frame… For some reason, she kept reminding me of you.”
“……”
“She is at an age when she should be making friends, meeting a good man, and marrying… Seeing her face smeared with dirt while performing such grueling labor stirred my pity. There is no deeper reason, so pay it no mind.”
That afternoon I went alone to the imperial hunting grounds. Gun in hand, I focused every ounce of my attention on the red target.
Bang—
Another perfect hit. I set the gun down for a moment and drank the water Molly handed me.
The autumn sky was a brilliant, piercing blue, breathtakingly beautiful. Yet because my mood was so dark, even the generous sunlight felt irritating.
“Let’s go back now, Molly.”
“My lady, has something upset you?”
Short, stout Molly rose onto her tiptoes to peer at my face.
“Your expression has been terribly gloomy these past few days.”
Molly was the most sensitive to every shift in my mood. My nanny and I usually shared all kinds of trivial conversation, but when it came to her, I could never speak freely.
“It’s nothing.”
Just then a single mallard flew overhead—one of the ducks bred for the imperial hunts. Someone must have missed their shot.
Now that I thought about it, other gunshots had been echoing alongside mine for some time. I cut across the grounds in the direction the duck had come from.
“Your Grace, I’ll launch another!”
The servant hurled the duck he held high into the air.
The bird spread its wings against the blue sky. Yet as it flew into the distance, no shot rang out.
“Archduke Illid?”
When Illid turned and saw me, his face flushed at once. Being caught simply releasing the duck seemed deeply embarrassing.
“Ah, so the gunshot I heard from the other side was from Duchess Regentera. I assumed it was Hellion.”
“I heard the shots and thought it was Archduke Hellion as well.”
“It couldn’t have been him. That man never lets his prey escape.”
Illid awkwardly swept a hand through his jet-black hair again.
“Now that I think of it…”
His blue eyes sparkled as though a memory had surfaced.
“Hellion came to me earlier today and apologized. About the maid incident.”
“Oh, that’s good to hear.”
“He’s been cold every time we’ve met these past few days, yet suddenly he offered an apology. Which makes me wonder… did you perhaps go to Hellion and tell him to apologize to me, Duchess?”
“I did say something of the sort, but Archduke Hellion wasn’t listening at the time. It probably wasn’t because of me.”
“Hmm. It seems he must have heard after all. Northerners have fierce pride; they rarely apologize first. Given Hellion’s temperament, I doubt he would have done so voluntarily without someone prompting him.”
“Is that so…”
I recalled my visit to Hellion’s quarters a few days earlier.
I had told him to apologize to Archduke Illid, but he had been fast asleep after drinking the herbal tea. There was no way he could remember my words.
Yet if he had been even slightly conscious, it wasn’t entirely impossible.
Wait. Then wouldn’t he also remember that I kissed him?
It had only been on his forehead, but a kiss was still a kiss.
I had been swept up in childhood memories and the moonlight’s atmosphere; there had been no other intention. Yet suddenly cold sweat slid down my spine.
“What are you thinking about so deeply?”
Illid studied my face with open curiosity.
Yes, there was no chance he remembered. I deliberately pushed all thoughts of Hellion aside.
“It’s nothing. But what brings you to the hunting grounds, Archduke Illid? I thought you didn’t enjoy hunting.”
“True, but… Hellion’s words kept echoing in my mind.”
“Because he called you a coward? Don’t dwell on it. I’m sure Archduke Hellion spoke in the heat of anger.”
“Even so, the words weren’t entirely false, which only makes them linger.”
Illid picked up the gun he had set down and shouted to the servant holding the duck.
“Launch it.”
Flap—
The mallard soared into the sky once more.
Bang—!
White smoke burst from Illid’s gun. Blood sprayed from the duck’s falling body, spattering across the Archduke’s pale face.
“Archduke! Are you all right?”
Alarmed by the blood on his face, I hurried over. He had once told me he feared blood. Yet contrary to those words, Illid remained remarkably calm.
“I’m fine.”
He wiped the blood from the corner of his eye with his sleeve, then pointed at the fallen duck as though nothing had happened.
“Whew. At any rate, I succeeded. I didn’t want to look foolish in front of you, Duchess. I’m relieved.”
“You needn’t force yourself to do something you dislike on my account.”
“Still… the human heart doesn’t work that way. Especially in front of someone you wish to impress.”
Illid winked at me. Any other day I might have blushed, but not today. I answered with a weak smile.
“I thought you’d praise me once I caught the duck…”
My listless reaction left Illid looking disappointed.
“Ah, no. You did very well. Bravo.”
I clapped belatedly, but even I could hear how hollow it sounded. Illid had clearly noticed that my mood was off.
“Are you feeling unwell somewhere?”
He searched my face, worry clear in his voice.
“You don’t look well.”
“It’s nothing. By the way, you’re quite skilled with a gun, Archduke Illid. I had no idea.”
“I said I disliked blood, not that I couldn’t shoot. And stop changing the subject. The atmosphere today feels strange. Has something unpleasant happened?”
I gave a small shake of my head, but the gesture only seemed to convince him further.
“All of you return to the palace first. I have something important to discuss with the Duchess.”
At Illid’s command, Molly and the servants quickly gathered the equipment and left the grounds.
It was a sunny, late afternoon.
The imperial hunting grounds lay covered in lush green, and only Illid and I remained.
He asked me nothing. He simply stood beside me, waiting in quiet patience.
I recalled the conversation I had shared with His Majesty about Karina before coming here. A headache began to bloom. At the same time, an inexplicable anxiety surged forward.
Why did she unsettle me so deeply?
She was only a maid. Even if her identity were revealed, it would bring me no harm.
The authority to deal with Paviel Regentera and his descendants belonged to our house. The Emperor merely gave approval; the decision to let her live or die rested entirely with me and my brother.
As His Majesty had said, she might even find the right herbs to ease his pain.
His Majesty was infinitely precious to me. If only he could be free of further suffering, I would ask for nothing more.
So why… was I hesitating to keep her at his side?
“Are you familiar with the civil war in the Regentera ducal house?”
After long deliberation I finally spoke. Illid nodded.
“I am. Every person in the Tebron Empire knows of it.”
“You also know that my grandfather banished every noble who rebelled against him from the capital?”
“Yes, I know.”
I had no intention of telling Illid about Karina. I simply wanted advice on the situation I faced—from someone intelligent and politically astute enough to help.
“Not long ago, one of the banished fallen nobles came to me. Desperate for a way to survive, he revealed his identity and begged for a position.”
I deliberately blurred the details of status and gender as I spoke.
In reality, after my grandfather’s death some defeated nobles had returned to the capital and taken minor posts. The story I fabricated was entirely plausible.
“Though his origins worried me, his circumstances seemed so pitiful that I gave him the position he wanted. Yet his abilities must have been excellent, because he quickly caught His Majesty’s eye.”
“I see.”
“Yes. Now His Majesty wishes to keep that servant at his side. It has become quite the headache. Keeping him near His Majesty makes me uneasy, yet refusing His Majesty’s request feels wrong when the servant seems genuinely helpful to him.”
“You need the servant’s abilities but hesitate because of his background.”
“Exactly.”
Clever Illid had pinpointed the heart of my dilemma at once.
“I feel terribly selfish. To hesitate over something that could help His Majesty simply to ease my own mind…”
What tormented me most was the guilt.
What if Karina truly could help His Majesty and I was the one standing in the way? The thought pressed on my heart like a boulder all day long.
“It’s only assigning one servant to His Majesty. Why should something so simple torment me this much?”
Illid, who had listened in silence, shook his head.
“No. It is more than enough reason to be troubled. Do not blame yourself. Even I would have agonized over it through the night.”
His empathetic answer brought a measure of comfort. After drawing a deep breath, I asked him earnestly.
“Archduke, can you tell what this anxiety I’m feeling truly is?”
“It’s difficult to define in a single word, but…”
He seemed to have an idea yet looked reluctant to speak it. I urged him on, saying it was all right.
“I believe it may be a trace of anxiety concerning revenge.”