Chapter 146
Chapter 146
“Alright, big smiles~”
The shutter clicked. The members of TeSTAR, sitting by the pool with their arms around each other's shoulders, smiled for the camera.
Naturally, I was among them.
“The photos look great. Good work, everyone!”
“Thank you!”
Since we were already in the US, we were filming a Summer Package—a bundle consisting of a photobook and simple reality video content.
For the video portion, the production crew requested we film 'combinations of members rarely seen together,' which led to the roommate assignments.
In other words, Park Moon-dae and Ryu Cheong-woo were sharing a room.
Ah, and he’s speaking to me right now.
“Moon-dae, here’s a towel.”
“…Thanks.”
I snatched the towel and wiped my neck. My stomach churned.
‘Whew.’
I was trying my best to hold it in, but I didn't know if the camera was catching it or not.
‘…Damn it.’
I knew. I knew it wasn't Ryu Cheong-woo’s fault.
But what the fuck was I supposed to do when I couldn't stop thinking about it? Every time I looked at him… it all came back.
Thanks to that, the roommate content was a total disaster. We barely even spoke in the room.
This was my limit.
One way or another, I just hoped no discord rumors would break out. For now… for now, once we got back to Korea and spent some time apart, it would get better.
‘……This is driving me crazy.’
As soon as the break was announced, I stood up.
It looked like they were going to make the roommates ride some water slide together soon, so I planned to stay away from him until then.
But I picked up a tail.
“U-um…”
“What?”
“T-this.”
Seon A-hyun, who had followed me, held out a takeout cup. Steam was rising from the drink. Seeing a cup in his own hand as well, it seemed the staff had been handing them out.
“…….”
I took the cup. If I didn't, he’d just keep trying to talk to me.
Even after giving me the drink, Seon A-hyun didn't leave; he sat down at an awkward distance. However, instead of speaking, he just stole glances at me while sipping his own drink.
It was quiet.
“…….”
The tension left my shoulders.
I sat on the edge of a flower bed and brought the hot drink to my lips.
‘It’s hot chocolate.’
It was sickeningly sweet.
*
After riding a water slide that went through a shark aquarium, we moved on to a Q&A session.
It was bearable.
“Alright~ Let’s pick a question!”
Keun Se-jin smiled as he pulled a card from the container.
“Hmm, ‘The member you’ve become closest to recently.’ I probably won't get many votes for this one. Since I’m! Already close with everyone~”
Let’s get this over with.
“I’ll go with Lee Se-jin.”
“Whoa! Moon-dae, you’ve been leaning on me a lot lately, haven't you? I’m so touched! I’ll pick Moon-dae too~”
Keun Se-jin, shifting gears instantly, laughed and patted my back.
“Now, what about our Yu-jin?”
“Bae Se-jin hyung! I like my roommate.”
Since it moved on to the next person immediately, I didn't need to say more. My answer was funny enough that it wouldn't seem strange.
“Hahaha, me again?”
The sound of laughing and chatting continued for a while.
After several questions passed… it was finally nearing the end.
The last question came up.
“This is the last question card. ‘What is a life experience that was difficult but you overcame?’ Hmm, I think this is a question that could bring up many examples.”
“…Ah~ Is it a bit too gloomy for the finale? How about a chance to pick one more?”
“…? I think it’s meaningful and good!”
Following Kim Rae-bin’s response, the answers began to circulate.
…Starting with Ryu Cheong-woo.
“Hmm, an experience I overcame. Actually, the reason I had to quit archery… wasn't by choice. I heard that when I was young, there was a car accident during a family trip.”
Stop.
“It was because of the aftereffects from that time.”
…No, we’re filming. Think about something else.
“But because I met all of you and was able to debut and promote like this, I can now accept it as a turning point in my life. Thanks, guys. And thank you, Loviewers!”
“Great!”
“…Is it okay to talk about that?”
“Haha, I think this is the first time I’ve talked about it in front of a camera, but I did it because the fans will be watching.”
“Oh, Cheong-woo hyung’s experience is too powerful~ Let’s just admit defeat and pick a new one. Yu-jin needs to pick one too!”
“I’ll pick!”
I felt like I was going to throw up.
“…Park Moon-dae!”
“Wait. Bathroom.”
I stood up from the sofa and left the brightly lit room. I ran down the dark connecting hallway and ducked into the restroom.
“Heave.”
Fortunately, nothing came up. No, was that actually fortunate? If I could focus on the physical act, I might be able to stop thinking about…….
“Shut up.”
I turned on the faucet and shoved my head under the water.
The cold water felt good.
“…Moon-dae!”
“Moon-dae-ssi, are you okay?”
“Hyung!”
I heard them calling from outside. It was a relief this was self-produced content. If it had been a regular broadcast, it would have been impossible to fix.
‘I have to go out.’
But I couldn't lift my head. Just a bit longer… just a little more….
“Stop it.”
I lifted my head from the water.
After roughly wiping off the moisture, I opened the bathroom door.
A few staff members and the group were standing outside.
“…I’m sorry. My stomach just… felt a bit off.”
“No, it’s fine. Are you okay? Can you continue filming?”
“……Yes.”
Keun Se-jin cut in.
“Park Moon-dae. They said it’s okay to push the filming back a bit. If you need to rest…….”
“It’ll be the same either way. Let’s just do it.”
After shaking off the remaining water, I continued the shoot.
And this time, it finished without any major issues.
“See you again, Loviewers~”
But I realized something.
At this rate, things were going to get seriously fucked up.
‘I need to come up with a plan.’
In the evening, after all the official filming was wrapped up.
Instead of returning to the room where Ryu Cheong-woo would be, I went to the garden behind the hotel to sort things out.
To put it bluntly, my current state was pure PTSD. There was no room for debate.
The problem was that I thought it would subside with time, but seeing it reach this point, I was starting to feel skeptical about how long that would actually take.
‘…There’s no answer.’
If it took more than two or three months for me to recover, it would cause problems for TeSTAR’s future activities.
If that happened, I’d have to hope that even if I died from a status effect, a restart would be possible.
‘…The fact that I’m starting to think it would be okay if everything just ended is the bigger problem.’
Something was definitely wrong with my head. I let out a sigh.
Vrrr— Vrrr—
At that moment, the phone in my pocket vibrated.
When I pulled it out to check, an unexpected name was on the screen.
[VTIC Cheong-ryeo Sunbae-nim]
It was Cheong-ryeo.
“……Sigh.”
Normally, I would have just ignored it. But right now, I felt like I should pick up.
I couldn't not ask if he had ever received a reward for this goddamn status effect.
“…Hello.”
When I answered, a slightly puzzled voice responded.
—Hmm, I didn't expect you to pick up right away.
“Yeah. I see. What do you want?”
—I’m just calling after a long time, don't be like that… How have you been?
“If you don't have anything to say, I’ll start with my business.”
—Haha, alright.
“Have you ever seen, like, hallucinations?”
—…Hallucinations?
“While doing missions.”
—…….
There was silence on the other end for a while before an answer finally came.
—Ah, so a problem has come up.
“……!”
—Grades? The company? No, it wouldn't be that… Is it a more uncontrollable factor? Then, human relationships?
“…….”
—It’s human relationships.
What kind of crazy bastard is this?
—It sounds like you’re under extreme stress, but… since you said it only stresses you out more when I talk, it’s hard to give advice.
He seemed to think I was seeing hallucinations because of stress.
If that was the case, then for now, this guy had never received a status effect reward.
Advice, huh.
“Go ahead.”
—Really?
Yeah, sure. At this point, I didn't think anything he said would affect me anyway.
Let’s see what he has to say about restarting.
Then, a calm voice came through the phone.
—There’s no need to be stressed.
“…….”
—Because once you go back to the beginning, all this emotional consumption becomes meaningless anyway. Just… think of it as something to exclude next time. That’s how you should think.
“…….”
—Because it’ll all disappear anyway.
…Disappear.
For the first time, I clearly entertained the hypothesis.
Let’s say I really could go back.
Let’s assume that if I failed, I’d return to the 20-year-old Park Moon-dae’s birthday.
Then, everything the 22-year-old Park Moon-dae had done up until now would be erased, and I could start over from scratch.
Since I’d already done it once, it would certainly be easier. If I just took a lottery number with me, I could live in a place with decent security from the start.
And I could do better from the beginning. Because I already knew everything.
I could avoid all the tiring and embarrassing things that happened from the first filming of Idol Inc. until after the debut, and form the group with even better members…….
‘No.’
…I didn't want that.
It was funny, but even if I could overcome all the status effects that way….
I didn't think I’d like it more than I did now.
Because all that hardship and annoyance, everything I built with these young brats… at some point, I had started to consider it my own achievement.
And even if I made it again, it could never have the same meaning as it did now.
Of course, the situation was shitty right now. But the cost-benefit analysis didn't add up to giving up on the present because of this.
My head felt a bit clearer.
I opened my mouth.
“Since it might all disappear, I guess I should try even harder.”
—……That’s.
“Thanks for the advice, Sunbae-nim.”
—You’ll regret it.
“Well, I probably will. Who wouldn't, no matter what they do? I’ll be heading in now.”
I hung up.
And I thought to myself.
‘That bastard can actually be helpful.’
Surprisingly, it seemed my straying sanity had returned through the call with Cheong-ryeo.
Now, let’s look for the best objective choice in the current situation.
If there was no sign of recovery at this rate… there was only one answer.
‘A hiatus due to health issues.’
From experience, if I spent about a month in seclusion while taking medication, I’d probably be okay. This was better than discord rumors.
If the company refused, well… I’d just have to endure the discord rumors.
If I roughly explained to the others that I felt like I was going to become a psychopath every time I saw Ryu Cheong-woo’s face, they would do their best to minimize contact between Park Moon-dae and Ryu Cheong-woo.
It would be uncomfortable for everyone, but since it was the company’s fault for holding onto someone who needed to recover, I’d have to tell them to complain to the company.
Still, I wanted to go with the option that caused the least damage, so I hoped the company would accept the hiatus if possible.
‘Is this about it?’
I left the garden and started heading back to the room.
Now that I had calmed down, I felt like I could at least manage a greeting with him.
‘I’ll endure somehow until this Summer Package shoot is over.’
There was no other way, and since all that was left was to get the ending shots when we left tomorrow anyway.
I just had to bear it.
But when I opened the door and walked in, I saw a sight I never could have imagined.
“…You’re here?”
Ryu Cheong-woo was sitting in a chair with an overflowing amount of alcohol bottles on the table.
“…….”
I slowly backed out of the room and was about to close the door again when…….
“They collected all the cameras. You can drink.”
“…….”
At that moment, I realized how desperately I wanted to drink.
‘Damn it.’
I knew drinking in this situation wouldn't lead to anything good. But…….
“Here.”
I reached out and took a bottle. Then I popped the top.
I brought it straight to my mouth.
Only then did I realize my lips were trembling. I could hear the sound of my teeth clinking against the glass bottle.
“…….”
Standing with my back turned, I continued to pour the alcohol down my throat.
I couldn't think of anything.
Then, a voice spoke.
“You’re holding something back from me, aren't you?”
“…….”
“You’re holding it in because you’re afraid that if you let it out, things will become irreversible. Right?”
I heard the sound of carbonation escaping.
“Just say it. I don't get hurt easily by things like this.”
That’s why, you fucker, even if I tell you, you won't understand.
This… this wasn't a situation that could be understood with common sense.
And it wasn't even this guy’s fault.
Given that I didn't even know his name before, he was just a distant relative I barely knew. Since the Pungsan Ryu clan did so many things together, he probably just ended up going along by chance.
‘And since he was in such a big accident, his parents wouldn't have had the mental capacity to worry about anything else. That’s why I didn't see them at the funeral either….’
I brought the bottle to my throat again.
I couldn't stand it, fuck.
I grabbed a new bottle. The calm voice spoke again.
“…Fine. Then just tell me as much as you’re comfortable with. I promise I won't tell anyone.”
“…….”
“I won't mention the company or a hospital either.”
At that moment, words I hadn't even considered flew out of my mouth.
“Because I’m envious.”
“?”
“I said I’m envious.”
And as I said it, I realized it at the same time.
I was envious of this guy.
I wished I had gone on that trip like Ryu Cheong-woo and gotten hurt, so my parents would have gotten into the ambulance with me instead of going to that goddamn pension.
It wasn't just that the accident was being recalled; I was resentful of him.
Seeing him talk about the greatest stroke of luck in his life as a trial made my stomach turn.
“I’m envious… that your parents are fine and you’re living your life doing everything you want to do.”
“……!”
I set down the empty bottle and gasped for air.
I had just blurted out such crazy bullshit… but strangely, I felt relieved.
Ryu Cheong-woo didn't respond for a long time.
Then, after a moment, he handed me another bottle.
“Did you remember while you were sleeping?”
“What?”
“I heard from Rae-bin. That it seemed like you were recalling old memories in your sleep.”
“…….”
“Me bringing up the aftereffects of the car accident… must have sounded like the complaints of someone who has it all.”
…It seemed he misunderstood that ‘Park Moon-dae’s’ parents had died in a car accident.
He must have felt like he was whining about car accident aftereffects in front of someone whose family had died in one.
…It was, well, similar.
“I’m sorry for saying that.”
“It’s not something you need to apologize for.”
“Still, hearing an apology makes you feel a bit better, doesn't it? Look, we’re finally having a conversation after a long time.”
“…….”
“Moon-dae. It’s okay to… talk about these things comfortably.”
Ryu Cheong-woo opened another bottle.
“When faced with fear and pain… it’s okay for people to get a bit angry and blame others.”
“…….”
“I was like that even when I just had to quit archery. I was probably a total nightmare.”
Ryu Cheong-woo gave a faint smile.
“But it seems like you can't do that. It’s okay, so do it now. How can a person be rational every single time?”
“…….”
I set the bottle down. My hands were shaking a bit.
“…I wanted to live a life that wasn't hard.”
I thought I had been doing reasonably well.
I received support from various places until I graduated high school, and since I was good with my hands, I managed to make a living somehow.
I didn't think it was the absolute worst, but I guess I only endured it because I had no choice, and I actually hated it.
“But since I can't live like that, it’s fucking shitty.”
“……Yeah.”
“It’s a bit… overwhelming.”
I opened a new drink.
I thought I’d naturally feel awkward after saying something like this, but surprisingly, I was fine.
Maybe it was because of the alcohol… but anyway, for now, that was how it felt.
I slowly moistened my throat.
I wasn't sure because I was drunk, but I think I kept rambling after that, just dropping words and sentences without much context.
Ryu Cheong-woo didn't particularly interrupt, but he reacted occasionally.
Then, only at the very end, did he speak.
“I promised not to talk about hospitals… but still, it would be better to get counseling once we get back to Korea. Along with A-hyun.”
“…….”
“I’m not saying this because you seem crazy, but because you seem like you’re struggling.”
“Fine.”
“You’ve made a lot of money, so spend some on yourself.”
“Fine.”
I swallowed the alcohol.
“But it’s still hard to look at you.”
Ryu Cheong-woo looked dazed for a moment, then he laughed out loud for the first time.
“Haha, let’s take it slow. It’s not like we’re only going to see each other for a month or two; it’s fine to spend some time with a bit of distance.”
“…Yeah.”
He was right.
“But Moon-dae. Use honorifics. Why did you suddenly drop them?”
“……!”
I had… completely forgotten.
I resumed using honorifics as requested and continued to drink.
The conversation topics drifted a bit and we didn't sit facing each other, but it wasn't that uncomfortable.
I found out the next day that those bottles were all room service and cost an insane amount, but I didn't really regret it.
And after returning to Korea, fortunately, a new schedule was waiting for me—one where I could spend time alone between group activities.
It was an individual appearance that had been postponed because of the US trip.