Vowing No More Regrets
My aspiration is to live without regrets. I don't even remember how I blew out the birthday candles. The three of us just ate the soggy jajangmyeon like that. Whether it was the noodles that were waterlogged or my eyes that were puffy, who knows...
Everything I'd done up to now was logged on the smartphone. Those days disgusted me so much I could barely face my mother's smiling face. And Min-ji, slurping away at her jajangmyeon? Even worse.
"Tasty?"
"Yeah..."
Just one word, and Mom beamed. Looking at her like that was torture. Her hand stroking my hair felt scorching hot. I almost shook it off out of habit but held back.
Min-ji, not even five yet, was devouring hers with black sauce smeared all around her mouth—clearly loving it. Mom locked eyes with her and asked,
"Is it yummy, Min-ji?"
"Yeah! Super tasty!"
"Don't eat all of your big brother's share, okay?"
Min-ji flinched at Mom's question. Mom sighed, noticing how the girl kept glancing at me. She knew I couldn't stand Min-ji. All she ever said was that she was just a kid, so I had to understand.
I set my chopsticks down at the sight of them. Min-ji looked terrified at my slightest move.
"Want some Choco Pie?"
"Finish your rice first."
"I'm full."
"...You're lying just to eat Choco Pie, aren't you?"
"No."
As I got older, I stopped talking to my parents. Facing Mom now felt impossible. Our conversations were always just blame and resentment, so what was I supposed to say anymore? I'd never once made them smile. No clue how to even start.
I just popped a Choco Pie in my mouth without a word.
"Next time... let's make it bigger?"
"...Yeah."
Min-ji eyed me warily as she ate her jajangmyeon. Regret. Was this regret too? My regrets felt more like karma piling up. No idea how to live without them.
...Should I have eaten the jajangmyeon with a smile? Regret? No, just disappointment. Yeah, disappointment. It could be fuel, not regret.
After the meal, I checked the smartphone, reading through what had happened. Then a new app appeared: Diary.
A birthday photo I hadn't taken myself.
February 10, 2000.
Regression.
One double-portion jajangmyeon, four Choco Pies.
Kim Do-hyun couldn't eat, overwhelmed by the regrets he'd racked up before regressing.
He couldn't smile in front of Kim Seon-hwa because of his own sins, couldn't even meet her eyes.
The family shed tears, leaving the pathetic birthday spread behind. Kim Do-hyun vowed never to forget.
Kim Do-hyun swore he'd never regret again.
I hadn't written it, but the diary filled itself. All that was left was disgust at myself—for always cursing and resenting my parents.
"Hungry, son?"
"Nah..."
"Your voice sounds off! You sick or something?"
Mom turned and touched my forehead. Her face was full of worry for her only son.
"You're burning up. We need to go to the hospital."
"I'm fine. Really."
"Your head's this hot!?"
She jumped up. I shook my head at her. Min-ji had dozed off on her little pillow, sleeping soundly.
"I said I'm not sick..."
"....."
Mom sighed and pulled me into a tight hug. Then she whispered in my ear,
"You know Mom loves you the most, right?"
"Yeah."
"Min-ji's little, so she needs me close. Can you understand?"
I'd heard this a million times. For me, always annoyed at baby Min-ji, Mom always said I was her favorite. But I never understood—instead, I got jealous even when Min-ji grew up. I thought Mom was lying to me, and glared harder.
"Of course..."
"My son's the best~"
Winter in our house without even coal briquettes to burn. We dressed inside, huddled together for warmth. The familiar scent of skin under the blankets dragged up the past.
"Love you, son."
"Uh..."
"No kiss?"
I didn't budge, so she planted one on my forehead and finally looked satisfied. That's when the door flew open—Dad was home.
"Do-hyun! Min-ji! Daddy's here~!"
"Waaah!"
Min-ji startled awake, bursting into tears. Mom yelled at Dad, who reeked of booze,
"She's sleeping! What the hell!?"
"Just excited to see her~"
"How many times have I told you not to drink and come home like this! You gonna put her back to sleep!?"
"Sorry~ Forgive me just this once~"
Mom snapped at his excuse,
"Once!? This isn't the first time!!!"
"Hey! I'm sorry, why blow up like that!? I bust my ass working, and I can't even see my kids!?"
Dad never talked back to Mom usually. He'd just take her nagging with a sorry look. But now? He seemed full of pent-up rage.
Mom shut her eyes tight and bit her lip at his outburst. Dad flicked on the light, but she nagged him to turn it off—electricity bills.
I stood and greeted him,
"Welcome home."
"My boy~!"
Dad slurped my cheek. He looked ridiculously young, way past youthful. Watching him, I made a vow in that moment.
Ding.
The auto-writing diary gained a new line.
I will restore Father's dream.
The chaotic day ended, and I headed to school. I wouldn't leave this neighborhood for another 15 years, so I knew exactly where Hanlim Elementary was.
"So... I really went back in time..."
Nine years old. Second grade.
I pressed a hand to my forehead and pulled out the smartphone. Walking while staring at a phone no one else could see reminded me of the old man's words.
'Thirty years... yeah, thirty years felt way too short to me. But if you went back, what would you achieve?'
He must've regressed 30 years ago. Or maybe he came back to 30 years prior, did what he needed in half a year, then passed the phone to me.
"Kim Do-hyuuun~!!!"
I turned at the girl's shout. A girl charging toward me... Hong... something? Her surname popped up, but not the rest.
"Why didn't you wait!? We were gonna go together!"
"Huh...? Oh, yeah? Sorry."
"Sorry? Buy me tteokbokki after school then! Got it!?"
"....."
I patted my pockets—empty. She clicked her tongue,
"Tch... Fine, I'll buy. Come on!"
Why did it end with her paying? I couldn't remember which class I was in for second grade. Big problem—until I remembered we had hero biographies. I whipped out the phone.
Hong Yu-bin. Right. Kindergarten buddy, super close back then... She transferred out, I think. Mom mentioned her once on TV, asking if I remembered Yu-bin. My messed-up life left no time for celebrities. Turns out this kid debuted as a child actress, becoming everyone's little sister, then first love.
But I paused at the info for three days from now.
"Do-hyun, what's up?"
"...Nothing."
Yu-bin got confessed to by a classmate, rejected him, then endured two years of bullying until transferring. That short note told the whole story.
Knowing didn't change much. I was too busy sorting my own tasks. But if it was logged here, it must tie deep into my life.
One of my 'regrets'? Reading more, I got why Yu-bin was listed: She asked me for help, but I was moving in three days and told her to handle it herself.
I knew the move was soon, just not that soon. The bullying got so bad her family found out and decided to relocate.
We headed to school in silence, and she piped up,
"You watch Inuyasha yesterday!?"
"...?"
"It was so good! How could you miss it!?"
Should've just played along. Like any kid, she chattered nonstop, not even pausing to breathe. Hong Yu-bin yapping about the manga was headache-inducing.
At the school gate, a boy waited. Hwang Jun-woo. Seeing kid Jun-woo froze me.
The guy who grabbed hold of me when I was spiraling.
My real benefactor.
'How'd you end up like this...?'
The one furious when Dad got cancer.
'You should've told me, you dumbass! Am I a stranger!? Do I look like a stranger to you!!!'
Raced to the hospital before me when he heard about Dad.
'What'd your dad do wrong to slave away his whole life...?'
Stabbed me where it hurt when I blamed my parents.
'Your wise mom tried starting a business to raise a punk like you right... and it all fell apart, you fuck.'
First to say I was the root of our poverty.
'By your logic... you're the one who ruined your parents' happiness... right?'
Born to a similar poor family, but lived totally opposite—grabbed every chance, ended up more successful than anyone around.
Jun-woo spotted me, waved wildly, and ran over.
"Do-hyun!"
"Hey~!"
"Hi... Yu-bin, hey."
Hwang Jun-woo, all shy. Looked like he had a crush on her. Right after my accident, he covered Dad's cancer bills and mine.
No idea how to repay that. I headed inside without a word to him.