Ha Ildo Appears on TV with the Nymphs! # 3
“Mwheheh! This is a painting created by the great Illinoi herself…! The price? One hundred million won…! At this rate, it's practically a giveaway…! Are you filming this properly…?”
Illinoi showed the broadcast crew her hand-painted artwork the moment they'd set foot in our house. It was a piece of crayon and watercolor slapped on canvas in every direction at once, with artsy titles like Dog-Squirrel and Self-Portrait.
Kim Aeho, the PD who looked a few years younger than me, nodded along as she studied the painting. “I see. It's a lovely piece.” She seemed generous and kind-hearted by nature.
Soon Oinoi came trotting over with her piggy bank and held it high in front of the camera. “Oinoi has gathered a great many sponsor coins, as is proper…! Mysterious coins keep popping up under the bed and beneath the refrigerator, they do…! And if one scratches thus, with the Filial Piety Hand—”
Shwik—
Oinoi's exclusive tool, the Filial Piety Hand. With the long-handled back-scratcher she'd received from the grandmother next door, she went shwik shwik, scraping under the bed and around the fridge.
“Hieeek…! There is nothing today, there isn't…! But tomorrow, coins shall surely appear…! They will be gifts sent by kind-hearted souls for the sake of this Oinoi…!”
Unfortunately, it looked like broadcasting her mysterious sponsor-coin mining operation had fallen flat.
“What adorable nymphs. So—where are the animals we're supposed to film today? We'd love to see them, if you don't mind—”
“Ah, the animals? They're right here. Keong-keong-i. Ang-ang-i. Kwang-kwang-i.”
Shwik—
At my call, the animals crept out from who knows where. They were all terribly cute, and simply watching them made my heart go warm and soft.
━Woof-woof…!
The liveliest of the bunch was Keong-keong-i, my Prime Dog-Squirrel. She grabbed the hem of PD Kim Aeho's pants, scrambled up her leg, and hopped atop the cap of the camera operator, buzzing around with boundless energy.
Watching her, PD Kim Aeho marveled, “They look a bit bigger than the dog-squirrel photos I saw on the internet!”
“That's right. Keong-keong-i is a Prime Dog-Squirrel. 'Prime' means the chief among all dog-squirrels. She can even do this. Keong-keong-i! Flame Breath!”
━Grrr…!
Fwoosh—
A tiny puff of fire burst from Keong-keong-i's mouth, and the whole film crew went “Whoa!” in unison. I found myself feeling pretty good about the whole thing. When Keong-keong-i got compliments, my own shoulders squared right up.
So I decided to show off Ang-ang-i next. “Ang-ang-i does the laundry and the dishes. See all those bowls stacked there? That's what Illinoi left in the sink after eating cereal.”
━Zzji…!
Soon Ang-ang-i was washing dishes under running water. The sight of a golden ant scrubbing bowls was utterly surreal—amazing even to me, who had long since gotten used to it. The crew watched in open admiration.
“Wow, an ant really is doing the dishes.”
“Does it do laundry too?”
“Laundry, cleaning, cooking—he does it all. Honey ants love things to be spotless. These days, without Ang-ang-i, our house basically doesn't function. Now, want to see something even more amazing? Kwang-kwang-i!”
Shwik—
I lifted the RGB spider Kwang-kwang-i out of her cushion, where she'd been curled up asleep. PD Kim Aeho jumped. “Whoa, that's a spider, right!? A venomous one! I've never seen anyone keep a spider out in the open like this! I did raise a tarantula as a kid, but… doesn't it bite you when you touch it?”
She looked genuinely worried as she studied Kwang-kwang-i. Unlike the well-documented lives of dog-squirrels and honey ants like Keong-keong-i and Ang-ang-i, Kwang-kwang-i was a Ghost Spider—a wolf spider subspecies and an extremely rare specimen. Honestly, a palm-sized spider could look scary to the untrained eye.
“Kwang-kwang-i doesn't bite people. She's incredibly sweet and gentle. She even dances and sings. Watch closely—make sure you get this on camera. Ready? Kwang-kwang-i!”
Shwik—
Kwang-kwang-i gave a little shiver on my palm. Apparently she'd just woken up. When I stroked her back, the Ghost Spider seemed to brighten and began to sing—Hio-ong, hio-ong—while waving her front legs left and right in a bow. She was so utterly harmless, like a scene straight out of a picture book.
“Goodness, that's incredible.”
“A singing spider? No program anywhere in the world has ever filmed one of these.”
“I've never seen anything like it either.”
Watching the crew gush made my chest swell with pride. On a roll now, I wanted to show off Kalinoi too, but she apparently disliked crowds and seemed determined not to come down from the rooftop.
“These are all wild animals, aren't they?”
Someone addressed me just then—a man in his forties, perhaps, wearing glasses, his hair going white at the temples. “Mr. Ha Ildo, I'm Bang Saenghyeon, director of the Wild Animal Research Institute. I hear you brought all of these animals in from nature.”
“Yes, every one of them came from the wild. Some of them gave me quite a hard time during training, too. Kalinoi and Kwang-kwang-i especially were very wary of strangers at first…”
“Wild animals are naturally cautious of humans—that's as it should be. But live alongside people long enough, and they lose that wildness. They forget how to survive on their own. That's not good for the animals.”
We moved out to the yard. The plan was to run a training exercise meant to foster the animals' wildness and self-reliance.
Shwik—
Bang Saenghyeon pulled something from his pocket: a live grasshopper. “Now—any wild spider would have to catch this fellow and eat him.”
Shwik shwik—
He waved the grasshopper this way and that. Kwang-kwang-i didn't so much as glance at it. Which was only natural—she lived on dew, honey, or the sugar water I fed her by hand. In fact, she turned and fled at the sight of the grasshopper.
━Kwang-kwang…!
“A spider running from a grasshopper. Her wildness is gone. Left in nature, she might not even be able to hunt for herself. And this dog-squirrel won't eat the mealworms either.”
At the mealworm wriggling in front of her, Keong-keong-i went Grrr…! and bristled every hair on her tail. That meant she was furious. Her whole bearing said: You dare offer me such a thing to eat?
“What does this dog-squirrel usually eat?”
“Well, she's been on macadamia nuts lately. She also eats snacks the neighborhood elders give her, and strawberries, watermelon, grapes, apples… basically anything a human eats, she'll eat.”
“I see. This is what happens when they grow accustomed to human food. It'll take an enormous amount of time to rebuild her wildness from here.”
Soon enough, Bang Saenghyeon brought out a tank packed full of loaches and set it down in front of Kalinoi, who was resting in the shade of the yard. “Come now. Hunt.”
Thwap, thwap—
The loaches flopped about in every direction. Kalinoi barely spared them a glance.
“You see? A wild owl would have to hunt them, but she isn't. That's a problem. How do you normally feed this owl?”
“I grill beef for her. It's the only thing she'll eat. But Kalinoi isn't actually an animal—she's a giant nymph. A nymph of a great beast.”
“A nymph? A giant one?”
“Nymphs who grow up alongside the gods sometimes grow enormous themselves. From what I've heard, Kalinoi was raised in the Moon Forest alongside the Moon Goddess, and that's what made her so big…”
“I see. But the other animals aren't nymphs, are they? They're all wild creatures.”
“That's true.”
Somehow, I felt like a criminal on trial. Had I really been infringing on my animals' instincts and wild nature?
“Animals that once lived in the wild are best returned to nature. Let's train the animals you're raising, Ildo, and release them back into the wild. Until then, we'll schedule a special broadcast around it.”
What—!? Release Keong-keong-i, Ang-ang-i, Kwang-kwang-i, and Kalinoi?
I was floored. PD Kim Aeho looked just as shocked. “Director! We only came to film for today! That was the agreement! A special series? Without any prior arrangement, that's way out of line!”
It was clear the PD and the director were at odds. But Bang Saenghyeon didn't back down an inch, speaking with steely firmness. “Animals are happiest in nature. The dog-squirrel, the honey ant, the remarkable spider, this owl—returning them to the wild is the rightest thing to do.”
I found myself turning it all over in my head. Keong-keong-i, Ang-ang-i, Kwang-kwang-i. I'd thought we'd shared plenty of time together, but had I ever once asked myself, Are they truly better off staying with me? Was I, by needlessly keeping animals that could live happily in the wild, stripping them all of their wildness—?
Shwik—
Then the director pointed a finger at Oinoi. “The nymphs are no different. I'm told nymphs are spirits of nature. Doesn't it grieve you, seeing them eroded by twenty-first-century civilization? I believe they, too, must be released back into nature.”
He had a point, in a way. Nymphs were, at their core, spirits of the natural world—fairy folk who lived in forests and mountains where clear ditch water and stream water ran free. Oinoi, longing for exactly that kind of nature, tended her vegetable garden and planted trees. She missed her homeland, too.
So I gave the director's words real thought. Were the nymphs actually happy here, in a twenty-first century city of back alleys and high-rises?
At that moment, Illinoi exploded in rage. “You dare propose taking the latest-model Nymphtendo from the great Illinoi…? This Illinoi will NOT be returning to that nymph-phobic thing called nature…! Nature is no-funny, it is…!”
Nature was nymph-phobic? I was utterly thrown by this bizarre turn in the conversation. Oinoi, meanwhile, reeled as if struck by lightning.
“Hieeek…! If Oinoi returns to nature, she will have to go rummaging through trash cans for food again, she will…! Do not take away Oinoi's comfy bed, her water purifier, or her shower, do not…!”
Oinoi trembled violently, angrier than I had ever seen her. Then, seething, she balled her tiny fists and shouted, “Oinoi shall beat this wicked nymph-phobe senseless…! No one has the right to steal Oinoi's pleasant today away from her, no one…!”
“Of course…! Our nymph sisters are already feeling very-good here in the twenty-first century…! We shall inflict punishment upon this nymph-phobe…! Let's do it…!”
Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo—
The nymphs descended upon Director Bang Saenghyeon and beat him soundly.
“Attempting to abandon the great Illinoi in the wilderness…! This is a flagrant violation of the Nymph Preservation Act promised by Abraham's Lincoln…! I am suing…! Someone call me a lawyer, they will…!”
“It's you who should go back to nature, you wicked nymph-phobe…! Stop driving cars, cover yourself in leaves, and eat your meat raw, you will…!”
“AAAAHHH~!”