The Doctor's Wavering Heart
The Doctor lay on the medical equipment table, eyes rolling restlessly. Even after eight rounds of treatment, she kept her hands folded obediently over her stomach. For all her complaints and protests, it seemed the procedure had hurt far more than she let on.
After confirming on the monitor that her body had generated immunity and that most of the virus had been eradicated, Jihyeok spoke.
“All done.”
The Doctor slid off the table, slipped on her sandals, and shuffled toward him, still a little dizzy. “You should go inside. I’ll monitor you…” She couldn’t even meet his eyes. That was only natural. After surrendering to desire and sharing such a fierce kiss with him, how could she?
Jihyeok smiled brightly and shook his head at the Doctor, who kept stealing glances at him. “I’m fine.”
“Fine…? The virus must have entered your body too…”
“Why?”
At the mischievous question, she shot him a glare. Chuckling, Jihyeok continued. “Don’t tell me you actually believe in that silly old superstition that you can catch a cold from kissing?”
“Th-that’s not it, but… you coughed in the middle of it. Just to be safe, you should get treated too—”
“I’m really okay. If I feel sick, I’ll get it taken care of then.”
“Ah… I see…”
Right after answering, the Doctor fidgeted with her fingers and fell silent. The atmosphere had grown unbearably awkward. The treatment room stayed so quiet that not even an ant could have crossed the floor.
Deciding this was enough, Jihyeok called out to her. “Doctor.”
“What…?”
“Shall we head out?”
“Yeah… let’s go.”
“Where would you like to go?”
“Huh?” The Doctor’s head snapped up, startled. “What are you talking about…? Why are you asking me that?”
“Why not? You agreed when I said let’s go. Is there something you want to eat?”
“I-I thought you just meant leaving the treatment room…”
Of course any ordinary person would have taken it that way. This had been Jihyeok’s deliberate wordplay, a little trap meant to tease her.
“Let’s eat together.”
The eyes of the woman who had been squirming with unease suddenly sharpened with resolve. “No.”
It seemed she had decided she couldn’t allow herself to be led around like this. After thoroughly exploring the inside of his mouth with her tongue, she still reacted this way. Unlike Sehwa or Yuria, she had a delightful tsundere flavor to her resistance.
“Understood, Noona.”
“Wh-what?”
At the word “Noona,” the Doctor’s eyes widened. Her voice trembled as though she had heard something utterly unimaginable. “Why?”
“You…”
Without another word, Jihyeok stepped close and took her hand. When he laced their fingers together, she squeezed back in surprise. Yet unlike at the park, she made no attempt to pull away. It was satisfying to see exactly how far things had progressed.
“If you’re not going to eat with me, I’ll just stay like this.”
“Are you joking? Are you threatening me right now?”
“The fact that you heard it as a threat—does that mean you feel uncomfortable around me, Noona?”
“It’s… not that… And stop calling me Noona.”
“Why? Does it bother you?”
“Not exactly, but…”
“Then I’ll keep calling you Noona. Calling you ‘Doctor’ feels too cold.”
At his playful tone, the Doctor’s expression shifted completely. She yanked her hand free and pointed sharply at the lab door. “Go home. Now.”
“I—”
“Get out!”
Her sudden shout didn’t surprise him. Jihyeok hadn’t miscalculated. Her heart had already opened; she simply needed time to sort through her thoughts, just as she had after the park yesterday.
He gazed at her quietly for a moment, then suddenly pulled her into his arms.
“Song Jihyeok! You—”
“Just ten seconds. Then I’ll leave.”
“…Haah…”
The Doctor let out a shallow sigh and went limp in his embrace. After holding her for a full ten seconds, Jihyeok pressed a kiss to her neck and released her.
She stared at him with a stunned expression. Offering her a faint, tired smile, Jihyeok said, “I’ll be going now.”
Without a trace of reluctance, he turned and left the lab.
When the Doctor returned home, she opened the refrigerator and immediately cracked open a bottle of vodka. After taking a long, deep swig, she set the bottle on the dining table and slapped her own cheek with a loud smack.
“I’m losing my mind…”
She had kissed a man young enough to be her little brother. A man who already had a girlfriend. Even if the first kiss had been forced by Jihyeok, the second one she had willingly dove into. She had been swept away by the love brimming in his eyes and practically thrown herself at him. The sweetness of a kiss after so many years had apparently severed her reason.
Sweet? No… that’s not it…
Jihyeok’s kiss had been nothing like her husband’s. Her husband had always prioritized her wishes and followed her lead. But Jihyeok had taken control directly, as if determined to stand above her in their relationship. The novelty of it had thrilled her. When he had grabbed her backside, she had nearly lost consciousness. The way he had grinned right after their first kiss, licking away the saliva and gently wiping her lips, had the same effect. Her soul had left her body. It was an entirely new kind of kiss. Feeling sweetness from it felt absurd.
After the treatment, they had even intertwined their fingers like lovers. The sensation of being toyed with by Jihyeok. She knew she should have pushed him away coldly, yet she couldn’t. It felt strange. Like she had inhaled some powerfully addictive drug.
And then there was the way he called her “Noona.” With nearly twice the age gap between them, he still called her Noona. Hearing that title in his sweet, honeyed voice had made her feel young again, as if a spring breeze had swept through her mind.
Having thought that far, the Doctor suddenly screamed.
“Aaaah!”
She shook her head violently, trying to erase the memory of their secret moment. But every sensation came back even more vividly—the feeling of his tongue brushing the edges of her teeth, tapping against her gums, tangling with her own and sucking greedily. Her breathing grew ragged as she reached for the vodka again.
She slammed the bottle down with a loud clack and suddenly began worrying about Jihyeok. Was his cheek all right? She might have hit him too hard… The weak smile he had shown her at the end lingered in her mind as well. She regretted speaking so firmly to someone who genuinely cared for her. Remorse flooded in.
Ed…
Calling out to her husband in her heart, the Doctor went to the bathroom and splashed water on her face. Then she headed straight to the bedroom and collapsed onto the bed.
What would her husband in heaven think if he saw her now, so shaken? He would probably be angry. He had once sung that he wanted her to be happy, but… she no longer knew.
While her thoughts spiraled, her phone vibrated.
The Doctor tilted her head. Doctor? He had clearly called her Noona earlier. Why had he switched back? Maybe because she had raised her voice? It seemed likely. She hadn’t truly been angry, yet the realization left her strangely disappointed. She tapped out a reply, letting her sulky feelings show.
It was a short, curt message that offered no opening for further conversation. She was clearly broadcasting her bad mood. Feeling a twinge of regret, the Doctor began typing another text, but Jihyeok’s reply arrived first.
The period at the end felt final. The Doctor let out a long sigh. Her emotions were far too unstable right now. The fact that even this small thing bothered her proved it. She clutched her head and ruffled her hair roughly.
If she didn’t continue the conversation she would feel disappointed, and she worried Jihyeok might be hurt. Yet continuing made her feel guilty toward her husband… Caught between the two impulses, ten minutes slipped by.
Finally, the Doctor brushed her messy hair back and picked up her phone again. She decided to reply after all. It would feel worse if she ignored him and he ignored her in return.
The instant reply made her want to scream. She wished he had just ignored her… She was going insane. At the same time, relief washed over her. The fact that he had suggested meeting meant he wasn’t angry with her.
Should she reply? If she let this slide, Jihyeok would only grow bolder with time. Once Polymus arrived, she would need to focus on building the Device. She couldn’t allow herself to become addicted to an Apostle. She had to stop this. She had to keep her distance.
Even as she told herself this, the Doctor’s fingers moved on their own.
Intellectually she understood what she should do, yet her heart kept steering her actions. She felt utterly pathetic. The Doctor stroked her husband’s framed photo. She asked Edward over and over in her heart whether this was acceptable, but of course no answer came. Still, simply looking at her husband’s face—the pillar of her heart—helped calm her somewhat.
This can’t continue.
This was wrong. She would tell him cleanly tomorrow that he should just date Sehwa and live happily. That was why she had agreed to meet. Having won this mental victory, the Doctor carefully set the frame down and buried her face in her pillow.
The next morning, the Doctor arrived at the lab right on time. She wore a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up, tucked neatly into bright skinny jeans. Arms folded, she paced the room until the door opened and Jihyeok entered, dressed in a dandy style.
Like her, he had rolled up the sleeves of his slightly oversized white shirt and tucked it into beige banding slacks. Standing side by side, anyone would have mistaken them for a couple. What are the odds… The Doctor stared at him with a serious expression.
She had to say it. They should stop this and remain good research partners.
“You’re here?”
“Yes, Noona.”
At those words, her expression changed. The stern look melted into one lacking confidence. She had prepared an important speech, but that bright smile and the word “Noona” made every intention vanish, leaving only a warm breeze blowing through her heart.
“Why were you making such a scary face? I wasn’t late, was I?”
“That’s…”
The Doctor chewed her lower lip. Jihyeok approached, bent his knees slightly to meet her eye level. The gaze filled with worry and affection drained all the strength from her body. She looked down and offered a ridiculous excuse.
“I was just… going to scold you if you were late… but you came right on time…?”
“Is that so?”
“Yeah…”
“Hmm…”
Jihyeok stroked his chin with one finger, looking skeptical. The Doctor hurriedly changed the subject. “Where are we going today?”
“I haven’t decided yet. Is there somewhere you want to go?”
“Anywhere is fine with me… You choose.”
“All right. Also, your makeup looks beautiful.”
“……”
She couldn’t fend him off at all. Why did he keep doing this? The pleasant scent of his shampoo, the way his muscles shifted beneath his shirt, even his ever-changing expressions—she liked all of it. Until a few days ago she had seen him only as a cute assistant and research partner. The sudden change was driving her insane.
After losing her husband, many men had approached her. She had looked down on those who fawned over her. But Jihyeok was different. He was special. Perhaps it was because his passionate interest in future science and his slightly eccentric personality reminded her of her husband.
The desire to kiss him again, just like yesterday, kept resurfacing. Her heart tightened.
“Your complexion doesn’t look good. We definitely finished the treatment yesterday… Should we just rest today?”
At Jihyeok’s worried tone, the Doctor came back to her senses and shook her head. “No. I’m fine…”
“Are you sure?”
“I said I’m fine. Let’s go already.”
Jihyeok nodded, then moved behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist.
“Hyat…!”
Startled, the Doctor tried to struggle free. But the memory of the sad expression he had shown her yesterday made her go limp without realizing it. She placed her hands on his strong arms.
Pressed fully against her from behind, Jihyeok spoke in a low, deep voice.
“Noona, you’re driving me crazy.”
“……”
Those were the exact words she wanted to say. Jihyeok was driving her crazy. She could barely maintain her sanity. Once the dam had cracked, all the loneliness she had accumulated over the years seemed to explode at once.
Suddenly Jihyeok buried his face against her neck and inhaled deeply.
“Hup…!”
The Doctor flinched, letting out a short gasp. Jihyeok whispered into her ear.
“Want to drink with me tonight?”
“Drink…?”
“Yes. I want to drink with you, Noona.”
“Ah…”
The Doctor was certain that if she sat down for drinks with Jihyeok in her current state, she would drink until she blacked out. She could already dimly foresee what would follow. Something unmistakably obscene would happen.
She had to refuse. She couldn’t be alone with him in a closed space while intoxicated. Her fists clenched and trembled as she answered.
“Okay…”
The Doctor wanted to kill herself. She knew she should refuse, yet a docile answer had slipped out instead. Fighting the urge to slam her head against the wall, she thought, It’s just drinking. Jihyeok is kind and sensible. If I say no, nothing will happen.
But could she actually refuse when he suggested it? When he shook her resolve so thoroughly? When she couldn’t even push him away, could she really say she didn’t want it?
Besides, it had been over ten years since she last had sex. She sometimes missed the sweet nights she had shared with her husband while confirming their love for each other. Now that she had this kind of relationship with Jihyeok, honestly…
No! Get a grip!
Squeezing her eyes shut, the Doctor pushed Jihyeok’s arms away and said, “Let’s go quickly. It’s too hot in here…”