Like a Lighter
Kim Seung-ju. It was a name I hadn’t heard in a long time. He had been in the same year as Eun-i, my ex-boyfriend, and now we were colleagues who could grab a drink together. The story of our relationship was something only the club members knew—and even then, only the handful who considered themselves truly close. How had he found out we’d dated? It wasn’t surprising. Of course Cha Jun-jae would know. If he wanted to dig, there was nothing he couldn’t uncover.
Without Cha Jun-jae needing to glare daggers, Kim Seung-ju and I had long since settled back into a simple senior-junior relationship. I’d heard he recently joined a production company run by a famous film director and was working as an assistant director. He was busy with his life, I was busy with mine. The truth was, what had drawn us together wasn’t fiery passion but a long list of common interests.
For one fleeting moment, the fact that he—whether as actor Cha Jun-jae or simply as a man—had no interest in anyone else had seemed strangely attractive. Weren’t people like that rare? But in the end, he really was someone who cared for no one but himself. The moment I tried to answer why I’d broken up with Kim Seung-ju, a sneer curled at the corner of Cha Jun-jae’s mouth.
“Kim Jun-ha was in the picture too, of course.”
Kim Jun-ha. That stale old name slipped from his lips. High school, wasn’t it? We’d met in the same counseling club, started dating after he asked me out, then broken up when he transferred schools. He could be called my first love. But that was the deepest of secrets. I was more startled than when he’d mentioned Kim Seung-ju; I froze completely. Having seen my reaction, Cha Jun-jae rested his chin on his hand and smiled with bitter amusement.
“Eun-dam. Are you into guys named Kim?”
Was that it? Had I liked men with the surname Kim? No—it was more that I had always been drawn to people who had no interest in Cha Jun-jae, who didn’t even know his name, who lived completely outside his orbit. That was the kind of loner who caught my eye. I realized it only today. Even when it came to my ideal type, I had been living with him in the back of my mind. I had wished for no connection, yet unconsciously and consciously, every part of my life had been tangled with him.
“If I said I had a thing for the surname Kim, what—would you change yours?”
“Even if I were Kim Jun-jae, you still wouldn’t like me.”
The words struck home. I swallowed against my dry throat. I had only recently learned that when Cha Jun-jae’s mood dropped like this, you shouldn’t poke at him without thinking. I reached out and playfully brushed the wrist he had quietly set on the table.
“I like handsome guys.”
He must have expected me to say I didn’t like him; his dark eyes didn’t flicker. There had been a time when the smallest thing would shake him like a child, emotions plain on his face. To escape the moment, I cleared my throat and changed the subject.
“When people date and then break up, it’s always for the same reason. Burnout. They just don’t love each other anymore.”
“Ah. Burnout.”
As the conversation drifted in that direction, Cha Jun-jae deflated. All I wanted was to see him smile and act like a normal person again.
“You must have dated before.”
“I haven’t. Not like that.”
“Stop lying, please, Jun-jae.”
“I envy burnout.”
His calm reply came with the usual smile wiped clean from his face. In the sound of the rain, a deep groove carved itself in his eyes just for me. Without thinking, I dropped the spoon I was holding. The clatter rang out; I forced my body to stay perfectly still.
“What’s there to envy? It’s all over.”
I answered calmly, keeping my wits about me. Cha Jun-jae picked up the lighter that had been lying on the table. He flicked it on, casting a blank, faraway gaze into the flame.
“Because there was a time when it burned hot, the moment it cools eventually comes.”
“……”
“I’ve never had that. It was always lukewarm. I cooled alone, always in the same state.”
His romantic spin on burnout pierced my chest like an arrow. The words were so good I wanted to write them down somewhere and use them later. I breathed in the heavy, damp air that smelled of rain. Somehow it felt a little warm.
“You could just have a passionate love too.”
“With whom?”
His sharpened eyes turned to me, impossible to avoid. That hot gaze, flickering like the lighter’s flame, pressed me for an answer. I bit my lip, then slowly released it.
“There are so many people who like you. If there isn’t anyone you like… you can always look.”
At that, Cha Jun-jae let out a short laugh and began flicking the lighter on and off.
“You don’t like me either, so what’s the point. Someone like me must be boring. Not fun at all. Like you said, I have no hobbies, nothing. The only thing I can do is parrot lines like a trained bird.”
“Why do you put yourself down like that?”
Listening to him, anger rose in my throat. The brilliant person I had always faced was not this man. He had steadily claimed everything I ever wanted, yet now he was acting this way. It felt too unfair. If he was going to whine, he should have done it back when I was the one tormented by inferiority.
“You, Cha Jun-jae, are far more incredible than you think. In this era of low interest rates and economic downturn, do you know how hard it is to make that much money and still be loved? Do you have any idea how much it feels like betrayal to hungry young people like me when you dismiss yourself as a parrot who just memorizes lines?”
Without realizing it, my voice grew louder. I struck the table as I spoke. The smile vanished from Cha Jun-jae’s face. He extinguished the lighter completely and said,
“Then will you date me?”
The zipper closed on my passionately moving lips. I opened and closed my mouth, staring at him with dazed eyes. My head went blank. My heart pounded as though it no longer belonged to me. The one who had confessed remained as still as cold stone. Not a trace of excitement or anticipation showed on his face.
Three full minutes passed in silence. Then Cha Jun-jae let out a breath like air leaking from a balloon and shook his head.
“It was a joke, obviously. Eun-dam.”
“……You’re saying it was a joke?”
“You were forcing yourself to say such nice things. I was just showing you—see, no matter how much lip service you give, it doesn’t go that far.”
“……”
“There’s nothing to be afraid of.”
After wrecking my heart with a sudden confession, he called it a joke and turned my head to stone. The desire not to lose to him, the rising heat of anger—everything collided and pushed me forward.
“Who said I hated it?”
The hand that had been flicking the lighter again stopped dead. The words, tangled with the sound of rain, echoed through the living room. Cha Jun-jae stared at me blankly, like someone who had lost an argument. I hadn’t meant to toy with him, and in truth I wanted to back down now. But my mouth and brain operated separately, taking his dazed expression as proof of victory.
“You’re the one who canceled it as a joke because you didn’t want to date me. So……”
“I don’t hate it.”
“Uh…… so.”
“Then will you date me?”
It was the most unlikely face I had ever seen. Eyes burning black. His entire being brimmed with energy, as if it would explode at any second. I couldn’t finish my sentence. Don’t ever joke like that again. Don’t test me. If I said those words, it felt like his eyes would go dark forever. I couldn’t bear to snuff out the small flame I had barely kept alive, so I delayed my answer and let out only a vague sound that was neither refusal nor acceptance.
“Mmm.”
I hadn’t meant to make that noise, but there was no taking it back. Cha Jun-jae, who had been seated, shot to his feet and cast a shadow like storm clouds over my head. The darkness lasted only a moment. What came next was a tempest nothing like the careful, sea-bird-mimicking kisses from before.
His tongue swept in hotly, licking my lips, sealing my mouth so I couldn’t speak. I had no chance to gather breath; he stole it all. Soon I was gasping. No matter how I tried to pull away, his lips chased mine and my heart began to race. The hand gripping my chin so I couldn’t turn away was relentless. As if making up for all the kisses we had missed, he moved my tongue however he wanted. With a wet sound he drew away, taking even the taste of unknown saliva, and panted,
“Thank you so much for saying you’ll date me… ha.”
The last sound was half laughter, as though he were mocking his own foolish self, unable to hold it back. In my ears, submerged in the sound of rain, nothing else remained. My hearing dulled. My lips burned. And the mind that had gone white wrote only one sentence across its blank surface.
You’ve fallen into the trap you set.