I Am... (1)

A restless murmur.

The moment I returned to reality, Spatial Perception began rendering everything within a 6.75-kilometer radius into images in my mind, missing nothing. Franc and I had come back to the same place we had entered from — the heart of Stonehenge, here in the real world — and under a blue sky without a single cloud, a crowd of tourists was stirring at the sight of the two of us, sprung up without warning in the center of the stones.

Click. Click. Phone cameras trained on us, I caught Franc's hand and leapt for the sky. An amber wall formed beneath my feet, and a commotion broke out among the tourists who saw it.

"An ability user! A criminal ability user who entered the Phase World without authorization!"

"Can't see their faces, with those brown robes!"

"Shouldn't we be reporting this?!"

A few of them were snapping pictures and phoning the Ability User Association to file a report, but I held a permit for discretionary entry into the Phase World. Nothing would come of it. Come to think of it, I had walked back out still wearing the brown robe from Myrddin's house.

Anyway, I paid the chattering tourists no mind. Pulling off the hood I had over my head, I left the spreading uproar at Stonehenge behind and called Hwayeon and Yeongeun.

The moment they picked up, both my lovers were smiling wide, and something hot tried to rise in my chest. It was two in the afternoon on Friday, UK time — ten at night in Korea. They were in ordinary sleepwear, perhaps already bound for bed, and at the look on my face they tilted their heads, then turned their questions on Franc beside ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠me.

My throat had closed, and I couldn't get a word out. Franc spoke in my place to the two of them, worry plain on their faces.

"Quite a lot happened. When we get back, Seoha will tell you all of it."

"If 'all right' is the word, then he is... and if it isn't, then perhaps he isn't."

At that, Hwayeon and Yeongeun only looked more worried, their eyes fixed on me. I closed my eyes, turned Mana Sieve, and drew a deep breath. Whatever had been jammed tight in my throat sank little by little, and only then did my voice come back.

"I'm fine. This and that happened, but I wasn't hurt, and nothing went wrong, so don't worry."

I said it with a faint smile, but neither of them could hide her worry, and they stared holes through me. I grinned again and opened my mouth.

"More importantly — nothing happened over those five days?"

"And the officetel Hiarid is guarding?"

"Yeah. Good work."

"All right. When I get back... I have something important to tell you, so wait for me."

I had stressed that it was important, and Hwayeon and Yeongeun blinked, curiosity showing. Perhaps they decided that waiting would settle it. They smiled and nodded.

The call ended on Yeongeun, smiling brightly, blowing me a kiss with her hand.

I'd send Dad a text that I was back. Mom, though — I ought to call. I wanted to hear her voice.

I dialed Mom's smartphone, and it connected at once. Her voice came through mumbling, as if she had a mouthful of something.

"...Mom?"

I called to her, and the line cut. What?

Then a call came in through Siha's Certifier, buzzing, and a hologram window opened. Mom and Siha had pressed in close to it, white sheet masks stuck to both their faces.

So that was why the pronunciation had been strange. The mask. Siha peeled the one clinging to her own face and asked.

"Something I needed to check... Mom's pretty even without a mask, though. Did Sis rope you in again?"

Siha was forever wanting to change up her cosmetics, and more than once she had brought home a few sample masks and coaxed Mom into trying them. I asked if this was another of those times, and Mom only laughed, a soft hoo-hoo, smiling with her whole face.

Mom's eyes flew up, and her hand swung at Siha's back. A crisp smack, and with it my sister's short yelp. Say a thing like that with Mom right there and of course you get hit.

The spot must have stung. Siha twisted, rubbing her back, fled out of Mom's reach, and asked as she went.

"That's the plan. Nothing's wrong at home?"

"...Yeah. I love you and Mom, too."

From Siha's fussing, I could see perfectly well what was happening off-screen. She had smiled with the mask still on, obviously, and creased the whole thing to ruin.

Yeah. This was the everyday I had wanted to see.

The screen swung around and began to show Siha and Mom in full uproar. I watched quietly for a while, then ended the call.

Franc, pressed to my side, gathered my arm into her embrace and smiled without a word. I thought I knew what that smile meant, so I smiled with her.

But when I imagined how my parents would react once they knew what I was — how Siha would react, how my lovers would — fear outran everything else.

If my family rejects me. If they deny that I exist. What do I do then?

Overhead, midsummer sun poured out of a blazing sky. Inside me, a wind colder than any I had known was tearing through.

We reached the Savoy Hotel. I took off the brown robe, and Franc and I bathed together; we had just come out of the bathroom when a call came from Dad.

The same low voice as always, hardly any rise or fall to it, and still my eyes grew hot for no reason I could name.

"Heh. Who do you think I am, getting hurt? Don't worry about me. Worry about the Aberrants that have to fight me."

"Yeah."

When Dad arrived, what kind of face was I supposed to wear...

I ended the call and was sitting blankly on the sofa when Franc came from the kitchen with fresh fruit juice and held it out to me.

"Are you not hungry? You were unable to take a proper meal there."

"Huh? Right. Yeah, I didn't. Let's order room service."

We filled up on something simple — hamburgers, hot dogs — and I was sitting blankly again, watching the Thames through the window, when Franc began to pace around me.

Then the Certifier chimed to say a call had come in. I checked who it was. Lydia.

"Ah. I forgot I said I'd tell her."

"You mean the matter of the spirits, yes?"

"Yeah. Where did I put the notes I wrote out... here they are. This much should be fine, right?"

I pulled the image I had written up out of the Certifier's photo gallery and looked it over.

"You refined it with such care that I foresee no difficulty."

"They might direct questions at you, Franc. When they do, just keep your mouth shut and play dumb."

"Hehe. Yes."

If I said the details were nothing special and that I didn't know the rest, that ought to do.

I didn't take the call. Franc and I talked for a while, and only much later did ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠I touch the call icon. Beyond the hologram window, Lydia appeared, her face flushed pink.

What. Why isn't she saying anything? And why is her face red?

Everything had become a bit of a bother, so I sprawled on the sofa and waited for her to say something. Lydia only looked at me, face still flushed.

"...If you've got nothing to say, I'm hanging up."

I had opened my mouth a little gruffly, and Lydia, face gone red, flustered and scrambled and pressed in close to the hologram to cry out. The indoor lighting was flattering her. Honey-colored hair gleamed, damp and swaying, and skin as clean as freshly baked white bread zoomed large across the window.

"So well my head's gone blank. Anyway, why'd you call? That spirit business?"

Hoh. Word that I might have sold them a single high-grade Phase Stone must have carried a great deal of weight. I had felt a little rotten, carefully serving up a story with barely a speck of truth in it, but this was better. I deleted the note — half a page, no more — and answered.

"Thanks. Good work."

"A favor? Let's hear it."

"...Huh?"

Face burning red, Lydia fidgeted with her fingers and kept stealing glances at me, shy, and went on.

"You're a rare-attribute ability user, and royalty besides, and you'd come to our country for a reason that thin? Britain has a raid ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠team ranked seventh in the world."

"Enough with the surface reasons. Out with it. What's the real one?"

Whatever had turned her face that red, the reason was tied to it. I could tell. I watched her hem and haw, unable to get the words out, until at last she shrugged as if giving up and spoke.

Closer... don't tell me.

"The Queen wants a political marriage between you and me? You think that's possible?"

She had grasped my disposition. My shoulders flinched before I knew it, and Franc, where Lydia could not see, pinched me at the waist.

"What did that man say?"

For crying out loud. The man was a Physical Reinforcement ability user, built to roughly my level, and his idea of women couldn't have been more different.

Just because there's a goalkeeper, the ball doesn't go in? Who the hell measures men and women by a rule like that? What if the woman you want is already married — you go and commit adultery?

I looked at the blushing Lydia for a long moment, then spoke.

"Well, do as you like. A rare-attribute ability user joining the raid team is good for us. But don't expect that signing on with Grand Blue means you'll enter raids with me, or that you'll get to stay anywhere near me."

I had warned her not to think she could coast into my orbit for free, but perhaps she had never thought that far to begin with. She only smiled brightly and bowed her head.

I waved at Lydia, who left me with a see-you-after-the-break, shut off the Certifier, and muttered.

"Guess I'll have to show Lydia Mana Vision, too."

"What?! You intend to accept Princess Lydia?!"

"What ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠are you talking about. I'm saying I'll put a safeguard on her."

I watched Franc nod, then sat back in the chair, leaned into the rest, and looked out the window at the blue sky.

"The truth is, I took Lydia on because of Myrddin."

The old man had looked at me and said it plainly.

"Once I knew it, it was information I would rather never have learned. Even so, he gave me advice and kindness without wanting anything in return. All I thought was that I ought to repay that debt."

"Ah. And now that I think of it, Myrddin is also..."

As if it had only just come back to her, Franc clapped her palms together, came over with a faint smile, and sat on the armrest. She drew my head into her arms and stroked my hair.

"Myrddin is a half-incubus as well. His father was an incubus, his mother human, and it is said that he was sent to a monastery the moment he was born and baptized, and so escaped an incubus's fate. Some claim he was a dragon's child, but the prevailing account is that he was a demon's son."

"Ah. So that's what you stopped short of saying back then. It was that."

Was that why he had felt a kinship and taught me so readily? Because he thought Franc, beside me, would hold my mind together?

I don't believe a man called a sage spoke for nothing. Far more likely he told me because he judged that if I knew the past, I could lessen the damage of some event still to come.

"Haa..."

I felt Franc's hand moving slowly over my hair, closed my eyes, and little by little emptied my mind.

Don't think too deeply.

I knew the past now. Nothing about that had changed. I am only myself. And yet, when I pictured my family — pictured Hwayeon and Yeongeun — learning that a demon's blood ran through me and turning me away, I was afraid, and my chest hurt.

Someone had me by the shoulder and was shaking me. I opened my eyes to find Dad looking down at me, a travel bag in his hand.

"You seemed tired, so I did not wake you. Preparations to depart are complete. Let us go."

"Huh? Yeah..."

Outside the window, the sun had long set, and the city's nightscape had been out for some time. I must have fallen asleep without knowing it.

In that short span, I had dreamed of a warm hour among family. A dream in which they did not know I was of a demon's blood, and I — not an ability user at all — spent an easy, happy time with them.

I rubbed my face dry with both hands and stood. Franc had packed everything. Two suitcases waited by the door of the suite, and Team Leader Han Suhee stood beside them with one of the security team, already waiting.

Catching my look, the team leader spoke crisply.

"Security team, all personnel ready for return."

"Then let's head back."

The hotel's general manager and the concierges saw us off. Dad and I had just stepped outside when I found Lydia waiting. She came up all smiles, bowed to Dad first, and then approached me.

"I came out to see you off."

"And here you said we'd meet after the break."

"Ah. Ehehe."

We rode Lydia's limousine toward the airport. I sat blankly, only watching the window, and Lydia kept glancing at me.

Because of that, Dad turned a puzzled look my way... then dropped his eyes back to the book in his hands. It wasn't a medical text. It was some obscure old volume titled Posthumous Notes on Wit. So he meant to take his hobbies up again.

Dad, who heaped excessive attention on Siha and hemmed in what she was allowed to do, and who raised me with something close to benign neglect. Was it because I wasn't his biological child, and only Siha was his real daughter, that he had treated us differently?

Of course I knew that wasn't it. With his temperament, if he had disliked me or found me wanting, he wouldn't have shown even a scrap of interest. He wouldn't have come to wake me earlier, and he wouldn't have told me to be careful.

But. But even so...

"I like you, Dad. What about you?"

"...What have you eaten."

Would you look at that. Good grief.

If Siha had asked him that, he would have said she was a jewel without equal in all the world, or that there were only two flowers in his life, one her mother and one her. Instead, straight off — what did I eat that didn't agree with me?

I looked at Dad without a word, and Franc fidgeted, anxious, glancing back and forth between him and me.

Dad eyed Franc as if something about her were strange, then lowered his gaze to the book again and spoke.

"Even a beast cherishes its own young. A human being, needless to say, all the more. One who does not love his family is a creature lower than a beast."

"You could just say you like me. Why make it so complicated."

I said it with a little laugh, and Dad cleared his throat — ahem — and bent over the book again.

Right. If he didn't consider me his child, he wouldn't have said a thing like that. But if he knew I was of a demon's bloodline, would he still react that way?

Whether she had read the thought or not, Franc quietly reached out and took my hand.

Perhaps having noticed that something was wrong with me, Lydia said nothing more even after we reached the airport. She only waved, quietly, and saw us off.

Once I had boarded, she pressed herself to the outer wall of the airport lounge and watched the plane for a little while, then turned away.

We took the same premium class we had flown on the way to Britain. After a short wait, the plane lifted off so quietly I couldn't even feel ten dBA of noise.

With that stifled weight sitting in my chest, I reclined in the seat, drew Franc into my arms, and closed my eyes.

When I open them, let me already be in Korea.