The Doll in the Mental Space
The room was an exact replica of the one I shared with my master. Inside it, Kyubey lay sprawled across the bed, watching a huge TV mounted on the far wall.
“We should be considerate while Uriel is making love to the one she adores. This place completely blocks physical sensation, after all.”
“For someone who says that, the TV is showing Uriel’s exact point of view.”
On the screen, Uriel’s vision and audio played in perfect clarity as she caressed God’s cock with reverent hands. What even is this…
“Hehe. It’s like first-person porn, right?”
“It is, but I never imagined something like this was possible. This mental space of ours.”
I had assumed it was merely a symptom of a fractured ego, some kind of mental illness. Now I worried about what had truly become of my body and brain.
“I’ve made an educated guess. The place where our memories and sense of self reside is inside Elisha’s Abaddon brain, yes?”
“That’s correct. Though it is physically fused to the human brain.”
“Thanks to Tya’s neural erosion and the full-body prosthesis modification, we’re now using that useless human brain. In this form.”
“So this space belongs to the separated human brain?”
“That’s my theory.”
In other words, the human brain my master once used is what generates the mental space, while we shift our consciousness here through the neural link from the Abaddon brain. None of it made any sense to me.
“At any rate, it’s definitely not normal, is it?”
“Normal or not, who cares? The possibilities and potential of this place we call the mental space are staggering. If anything, it’s a blessing for us.”
Kyubey manifested a music player in her hand and tossed it over. I caught it easily; it looked identical to the one outside.
“I visualized the implant-linked player. Operating this one controls the real player through the implant.”
“That’s incredible.”
“See the earphones? You can listen to music by yourself so we won’t hear it.”
I slipped the white earphone into my left ear and started the player. A song flowed into me.
Wow. This is truly fascinating. Even with our egos split, we could choose independently whether to hear something or not. The range of separate actions we could take was astonishing.
“Want to know what’s even more amazing? If you create a computer in this space and assign it work, it performs the tasks autonomously just like a real computer. And not just one—you can run dozens simultaneously.”
“We can use multiple instances of the computer functions built into the implant?”
“Remember Tya’s bio-computerization? It turned our brain into a kind of biocomputer. Functions that originally required external contact with others can be used directly inside the mental space.”
“It sounds impressive, but I can’t imagine what we’d actually do with it.”
After all, it was still only a mental space.
Meanwhile the TV showed Uriel beginning full intercourse. Kyubey kept talking as she watched.
“Hmm, the simplest example is programming the body to move exactly as instructed. If you install an AI to control it, all the tedious chores would be handled automatically. Then you could simply do whatever you want here.”
“That makes more sense now.”
“Our body is essentially a living bio-android at this point. I haven’t tried it yet, but artificial thought acceleration should be possible.”
As she spoke, Kyubey created a dildo in her hand and began masturbating. The more intense the sex between Uriel and God became on screen, the louder the moans and wet sounds grew.
The voice that had changed after the full-body prosthesis definitely possessed a strange new allure. The moans she produced with it stirred genuine lust.
“Haa, Uriel moans so beautifully. She matches the man’s reactions perfectly and makes them sound adorable. Is this what an archangel can do?”
Kyubey kept thrusting the dildo while teasing her nipples. With the potential of this mental space, couldn’t she simply create any man she desired?
“Kyubey, why not just create a man you like and have sex with him?”
“Huh?”
Her busy hands froze. Kyubey pulled the dildo from her pussy, let out an impressed noise, and pointed it at me.
“Aah! An imaginary boyfriend! Elisha really does have good ideas sometimes!”
“Don’t point that thing at people.”
Kyubey flung the dildo aside, closed her eyes, and groaned in concentration. As I suspected, creating an actual person seemed difficult. I decided to simply listen to music.
I sat on the wide sofa in one corner of the room, inserted both earphones, and lost myself in the songs. I sang along, slept when I felt like it, rolled around, and let the healing time pass. Hours slipped away.
During that time Kyubey created a parade of different men and explored every variety of sex imaginable, while Uriel finished her duties and continued attending to God.
Kyubey snapped her fingers, erasing the man who had been eagerly thrusting above her, then sighed.
“Phew. It feels good, but it’s still just masturbation in the end.”
“That’s because those men are nothing more than your own fantasies, Kyubey.”
“You’re still only listening to music? Since when did you develop a sudden interest in music appreciation?”
“Because I want to sing.”
“Why do you want to sing?”
“Because I like it.”
Was this the first time I had ever wanted something simply because I liked it? Until now I had been so focused on obeying others that I never even knew what I enjoyed. Now I could say “singing” with confidence.
Kyubey’s eyes widened in surprise. She sat bolt upright.
“I thought what Elisha liked was definitely either sex with me or running as a mare!”
“Well, sex is nice too, but I’d say they’re a little different. Though I do want to run as a mare again sometime.”
It was difficult to explain, but the two desires were clearly distinct. Sex was pleasant when it happened, but not something I actively sought. Singing was something I genuinely wanted to do. Running as a mare fell somewhere in between, weaker than singing.
“Anyway, I’m not a sex addict like you, Kyubey.”
“What’s wrong with a succubus pursuing pleasure~ Seeking vital energy is the same as seeking pleasure, you know~”
“Stop imitating Miss QA. And stop clinging to me.”
“Remember when we were both lost in pleasure together~ Didn’t it feel good?”
“I’m saying I don’t dislike sex, not that I hate it.”
I dodged Kyubey’s tail as it lunged toward my pussy and kept evading. Since her physical combat ability was low, I easily stayed out of reach until she finally gave up and sat back on the bed.
“After separating from me, Elisha has become way too plain. But you’re not as blindly obedient as you used to be, either.”
“Is that how it looks? I’m not sure myself.”
“Still, the fact that you’re kind hasn’t changed. You feel like a less obedient angel now. There’s still a sense that you’re performing.”
“I’m not performing, though?”
“Then is it because you learned emotions through acting? Either way, you lack genuine emotional depth. It feels like you’re displaying emotions through rational calculation. That’s why it comes across as acting. If we compared you to Uriel, who was created as an archangel, you’d probably look even more like a doll.”
“No way.”
I refused to accept that I seemed more doll-like than that rigid, fanatical Uriel. Watching me shake my head, Kyubey continued.
“You never show negative emotions no matter how unreasonable something is, as long as it benefits you or the situation. You prioritize analyzing the circumstances, making a judgment, and then acting out whatever emotion is necessary. I don’t know whether it’s a habit from your time as an angel or simply your nature.”
“I am expressing emotions properly. I showed my displeasure at God’s behavior earlier, didn’t I?”
“The very fact that you say that proves you’re deliberately displaying emotion. Earlier, even though you didn’t want to have sex, the moment I suggested letting Uriel handle it you agreed immediately. A normal person would first feel strong reluctance at the idea of someone else using their body for sex. But you judged it beneficial and immediately consented without any visible emotion at all.”
“But for me, Uriel using my body for sex truly doesn’t matter.”
Since we were separate egos sharing one body from the beginning, reluctance never existed. Besides, when there was a clear benefit, wasn’t it normal to choose rational judgment over emotion?
Kyubey drew closer, placed her hand on my breast, and went on.
“That’s exactly what makes it abnormal. If it were me, I could never tolerate someone else having sex with my body. The only reason I suggested giving it to Uriel is because it’s your body, not mine. Think about it. How different do you believe you are now compared to when you were an angel and Maria’s slave?”
“Many things have changed. My body became a full-body prosthesis, both you and Uriel came into existence, and I’ve grown able to understand and express a much wider range of emotions.”
“See? You’re still trying to understand and learn emotions even though you don’t need to. You still haven’t broken free from your time as an angel. That’s why you have no attachment to your own body and accepted being remade into a full-body prosthesis without the slightest resistance. Be honest. Don’t you still think of your body as an object?”
“That’s…”
I wanted to deny it, but Kyubey’s words sank deep. Hearing an outsider describe a state I hadn’t even recognized in myself helped me see things more objectively. The more she spoke, the more I understood why I behaved the way I did.
If I had viewed my own body as nothing more than a tool to be used, then of course I would casually accept every modification and every parasitic creature. Without any attachment to my body, I felt no resistance when Uriel or Kyubey controlled it. Instead I felt joy at being useful to someone.
And the reason I felt no attachment was because I saw myself as both an angel and an Abaddon. To an angel, their body was merely an object meant to be used by others. The unconscious Abaddon instinct that a host’s body possessed utilitarian value only reinforced that view. Therefore I regarded myself as an object that gained worth through being used, and that gave me pleasure.
That was why I still habitually observed other people’s emotions, tried to learn them, and acted them out. Real emotions had gradually mixed in without me noticing, turning the performance into an unconscious habit.
Having gained a clearer understanding of my own condition, I didn’t feel it was wrong.
“I think my identity has become more certain. No matter how I change, in the end I am an angel and an Abaddon. I’ve simply grown more convinced that my body is an object that gains value when someone uses it.”
“Are you really okay with that? Your own value is something you create for yourself. As long as you keep thinking of yourself that way, you’ll forever remain nothing but a doll performing emotions.”
“I’m fine with it. Because that’s who I am.”
In Kyubey’s eyes I saw the same pity she showed other angels, mixed with the familiar greed people displayed when they looked at me as a useful object.
“I’ve been trying so hard to think of you and hold myself back, yet here you are asking to be treated like an object. In that case, is it all right for me to use you however I want?”
“I already read that greed in your eyes the first time you saw me after we separated, Kyubey. It was the same with Uriel.”
“True. Uriel wants this body for herself too. Still, as sisters we promised to restrain ourselves for your sake. But now that you yourself are saying we can use you freely, maybe we worried for nothing?”
“Sisters?”
“Yes. I’m the oldest, you’re second, Uriel is the youngest.”
“Why am I second? In birth order I should be the eldest.”
“Because Elisha is unreliable in so many ways. You’ll be second, okay?”
“Well, if you really want it that much, I’ll yield.”
The fact that I myself was unreliable was undeniable, so I gave in gracefully. Kyubey sighed as she looked at me.
“Never mind. Elisha should be the youngest. Uriel feels more dependable.”
“That’s mean.”
“Shut up. And stop acting sad. From now on, acting is forbidden.”
“Ehh? You made me aware it was acting and now you suddenly ban it? Isn’t that too harsh?”
“Starting right now, get used to expressing natural emotion instead of performing. Understood?”
“Yes.”
Even so, emotional expression was acting to me. Since the acting came so naturally, I had no idea how to stop. For now I consciously wiped the wronged expression from my face.
Come to think of it, hadn’t that acting skill fooled even God, who was supposedly sensitive? Maybe I was actually very good at it.
“I’m good at acting, aren’t I? It seemed like I fooled God as well.”
“Even when I tell you not to act, don’t speak with a blank face. Feelings that rise from the heart should appear naturally on your expression.”
“Now that I can’t act, I don’t know what face to make.”
“That’s why I’m telling you not to think about it. Just let your face relax.”
“I’m not thinking about anything right now, though?”
The face reflected in the mirror Kyubey created looked astonishingly identical to the archangel’s completely emotionless expression. The overall stillness—only the pupils moving—combined with the flawless skin made it look exactly like a doll.
“Is this a human face? The face is a doll, but the voice carries emotion. It’s creepy.”
“Then shall I stop using my voice as well? How is this?”
“The voice was acting too? At this point it seems like Elisha was the real archangel, not Uriel.”
“At least when I’m outside I’ll need to act, right?”
“You will. Anyone would see this as a pure angel. Don’t tell me even feeling pleasure and reaching climax until now was acting?”
“I definitely enjoyed the pleasure, but the reactions were performed. I had to look beautiful, after all. Didn’t you notice, Kyubey? I really am quite skilled at acting.”
I felt secretly proud that my hard work had paid off. I almost expressed the joy, then stopped and asked.
“I’m happy right now. Does it show?”
“Not in the slightest. You weren’t thinking that you needed to perform joy again, were you?”
“I was about to, but I stopped.”
“I’m telling you not to have that thought at all. Still, it’s a relief that you feel the emotion of joy normally. Whew, we still have a long road ahead.”
While chatting with Kyubey, I heard Uriel’s characteristically stiff tone. Now that I was listening consciously, I could tell that although the tone was rigid, it clearly carried emotion. Right now she sounded a little happy.
“It is time for the regular report. Shall I handle it?”
“Doesn’t matter, does it? Uriel is the one moving the body and attending to him right now.”
“I don’t mind either. I don’t even know how the regular report is supposed to be done.”
“That information is all in memory… No. It will be simpler if I do it.”
On the TV, Uriel’s view briefly showed a communication device before it vanished. Then I felt a connection somewhere, perhaps through the port at the back of the neck. It resembled the implant’s wireless link but felt far narrower and more constricted.
“It seems like a channel meant only for exchanging small amounts of data.”
“Even that feels stifling. Is this secure communication?”
At that moment God pounced on Uriel while she was delivering the report. It was impressive how she continued without faltering even as she was penetrated from behind. Her voice pretended to be calm, yet it carried both confusion and delight.
“She’s flustered but happy.”
“Stop analyzing. Just think ‘Oh, I see’ and accept it naturally.”
“Kyubey, you’re annoyed yet worried. I can feel the kindness.”
“Stop teasing!”
Kyubey’s tail smacked me on the head. I briefly wondered whether I should act like it hurt or thank her for worrying, then decided to drop it.
Kyubey watched with envy as Uriel finished her report and began fervent sex with God. She licked her lips.
“Since I’ve received permission to do as I please, next time I should get fucked too.”
“Sure, sure. I’m going to sleep for a while.”
“You’re not joining in, Elisha?”
“I don’t want to do it with that man.”
“I see. If he’s not to your taste, it can’t be helped. Sleep well.”
I erased the sofa, created the most comfortable bed possible, and sank into it. Then I savored the strange new experience of falling asleep with only my mind, even without a physical body.