Things That Don't Return, No Matter the Regret and Ruin
…………
Ever since the day I kicked Moon Yujin's leg.
Kang Haneul hadn't slept properly. Not even once.
At three in the morning, her apartment was a total wreck, as always.
First, the sofa right in the middle of the living room—the one where Moon Yujin had given her a lap pillow every single day. Now it was completely shredded, its stuffing scattered across the floor, flipped upside down.
And the walls. Fist-sized holes punched through them. Not just one, but several. The drywall had crumbled away, exposing bent rebar inside.
The glass table where she used to eat with Moon Yujin hadn't escaped the disaster either. It was shattered into pieces, shards glittering on the marble floor.
And the culprit behind this devastation, Kang Haneul, sat slumped on the living room floor. Knees drawn up, arms resting on them.
Her hands trembled uncontrollably. She tried to stop them, but it was impossible.
Because that moment kept replaying in her head.
The instant her foot connected with Moon Yujin's leg.
The moment his shin below the knee crumpled completely.
The sensation of shattering his shinbone lingered on the top of her foot. No, "lingered" wasn't enough. It still felt vividly real right now. That was more accurate.
The feeling of pulverizing bone.
The feeling of bursting flesh.
It wouldn't fade. No matter how much she thrashed.
And then... Moon Yujin's face came into sharp focus.
His face drained white.
Moon Yujin, collapsing to the floor with his mouth agape, unable to even scream.
His body convulsing, barely gasping for air. His pupils dilating in shock as consciousness slipped away.
I...
I might have killed him.
Moon Yujin.
As that nauseating thought crushed her skull once more, Kang Haneul buried her face in her hands.
"Haa... haa..."
No, no. He couldn't have died there.
Baek Sehee had taken him away, hadn't she? Straight to the hospital.
Emergency surgery, no doubt. So he lived. He had to have.
But even if he survived...
His leg...
An injury like that. Knee pulverized beyond recognition.
Reconstruction was impossible. Absolutely.
Even Kang Haneul couldn't regenerate a limb that crushed. That kind of miracle required a high-rank super-regeneration Awakener.
So Moon Yujin had only one option left.
Amputation.
The doctors must have cut off everything below his knee.
Yeah. Moon Yujin was missing a leg now. Not limping—one-legged for life.
Nausea surged up. Kang Haneul bolted up and dashed to the bathroom, dropping to her knees in front of the toilet.
"Ugh...!"
The familiar sensation. Something rising from her stomach.
"Urk—!"
Her stomach contents poured out. But there was hardly anything left.
She hadn't eaten properly since that day.
Still, her stomach spasmed, trying to heave up more.
"Kek, cough...!"
She coughed. Her throat burned like fire.
Kang Haneul gripped the toilet lid and hung her head. She stayed like that for a long time before slumping to the floor.
The cold bathroom tiles pressed against her cheek.
"Yujin-ah..."
She murmured his name softly.
No reply, of course. He wasn't here.
She closed her eyes, not wanting to face reality.
But even then, she saw it. Moon Yujin's face. His crushed leg. The bloodstains.
"...Sorry."
A worthless apology. Saying sorry wouldn't bring back his leg. It wouldn't earn forgiveness.
Kang Haneul just lay there on the bathroom floor, endlessly.
The trembling in her hands felt like it would never stop.
…………
A few days later, at the Awakener Association HQ.
Kang Haneul sat silently among the gathered Awakeners in the conference room.
The monthly strategy meeting for A-rank and above. Discussions on Dimensional Gate responses, budget allocation, equipment support.
Normally, she could skip it. In fact, no other EX-rank Awakener besides her was there.
Truth be told, she wanted to skip this one too. But after "that incident," she'd been holed up, so the Association had politely requested she show up once.
So she had no choice but to attend this time.
Forced attendance irked her, but whatever. She usually just nodded along anyway.
But now, even that was too much.
Her hands shook. Kang Haneul clenched her fist under the table. Wrapped her left hand with her right.
The shaking didn't stop. It got worse.
Why is this happening? Why?
This fist... she wanted to swing it.
Smash everything.
Her heart raced. Rage boiled up. Without reason.
Actually, there were reasons. Overflowing ones.
For starters, that voice chattering up front grated on her.
Not just that. The breathing of the Awakener next to her annoyed her. The table. The chair. The lights. Everything around her.
Just... hold on a little. Just endure.
Just sit. Wait for time to pass.
But her body wouldn't obey.
Hands kept shaking, teeth grinding until her gums ached. Unstoppable fury eroded her whole body.
Yujin...
With him, it was fine. Just having him sit beside her was enough. Hugging him was better.
But now.
Moon Yujin was gone.
She didn't even know where he was or what he was doing.
Because she'd smashed his leg herself.
"So my opinion is!"
Then a woman's voice in her twenties stabbed her eardrums.
Kang Haneul knew her well. The pest who pranced around in doll clothes, playing the cute concept.
A-rank AwakenerElectric Cotton.
"I think we need to increase support for A-rank and below in this budget allocation. It's unfair that only EX-ranks get special treatment!? We're all working ourselves to death here."
Normally, she'd ignore it.
But now, it was intolerable. Her voice grated. Her tone. Her doll outfit. Her very existence.
"What do you all think? EX-ranks barely even deploy anyway. We deploy way more often—shouldn't we get a bigger share of the budget?"
Electric Cotton asked.
She didn't even glance at Kang Haneul, but it felt like provocation.
Bam!
Kang Haneul's fist slammed the conference table. The metal-framed table split from the center, papers and water bottles spilling to the floor.
The room fell silent.
Everyone stared at Kang Haneul.
And she—glared at Electric Cotton with eyes that could scare off demons.
"Hey."
She shot to her feet.
"What do you know to spout that crap?"
Electric Cotton's face went pale.
"S-sorry. I misspoke..."
"Shut up. If you can't even speak properly."
Snapping at Electric Cotton, Kang Haneul stormed out of the conference room.
No one stopped her. They scrambled back instead.
They had no choice. Kang Haneul was infamous for her bitchy temper.
And she was an EX-rank Awakener.
She didn't look at them. Just kicked open the door and left.
Someone said something behind her, but she ignored it.
The hallway was quiet. Kang Haneul leaned against the wall, hand pressed to it.
...I'm going crazy.
What had she just done? Smashed the table. During a meeting.
That bitch was arrogant. Yeah.
She provoked first.
No.
Lies. Electric Cotton's words weren't total nonsense.
EX-rank Awakeners really didn't deploy much. To frontline A-ranks, they looked like slackers.
The problem was... herself.
It's because Yujin's gone. Because of Yujin...
Even before reuniting with him, it wasn't this bad.
Possessing him completely, then losing him—the loss hit harder than she'd thought.
At least before the reunion, she could endure.
Ignore annoying people. Suppress anger.
It was manageable.
But now.
Everything annoyed her. Everything grated. Endurance was impossible.
Constantly on the verge of explosion had become her normal.
"Haneul-ssi."
Then a middle-aged woman's voice from behind.
Kang Haneul stopped and turned.
Association executive, Director Choi.
"Care to talk for a sec?"
"...What about?"
"You seem really stressed lately. How about some counseling? We have a psychological support program for Awakeners."
Counseling. Kang Haneul scoffed.
"Don't need it."
"But Haneul-ssi. That recent incident, and your condition is—"
"I'm fine."
Director Choi shut her mouth.
"...I'm going home."
"Wait, Haneul-ssi...!"
Cutting her off, Kang Haneul walked toward the elevator at the hall's end.
Director Choi called after her, but she ignored it again.
…………
Night deepened.
Kang Haneul sat on her new sofa, phone in hand.
The old one was shredded long ago.
The screen was still on. Text compose screen.
Recipient: Moon Yujin.
Send.
No reply, as always. No read receipt.
She sent another.
Send.
No reply again.
She couldn't stop her fingers. Kept sending.
Same content, similar words, slight variations.
Scrolling up the message list, an endless stream of texts from Kang Haneul. Dozens a day. Over a thousand total.
All unread.
He wasn't reading texts. Time to try calling.
She tapped the screen and hit call.
"The person you have called is currently unavailable. Please try again later."
The familiar message. What plays when calls are blocked.
Kang Haneul hurled her phone to the floor.
Bam!
With her superhuman strength, it smashed the marble, shattering alongside.
Screen cracked, case flew off, internals spilled out.
Kang Haneul slumped right there.