Rest (2)
I splashed a little water onto my face with my hand at Ji-an’s words. Delighted, he splashed me right back in playful retaliation, laughing the whole time. The narrow bathtub echoed with a child’s bright, pure laughter and the constant splash of water.
Before long Ji-an had worked up a lather with the shampoo, plastered the foam across his face, and puffed out his chest.
“Mom! Look, I have a beard! How do I look? Like a man, right?”
The word hit me like a spark. Man. Only a few days ago it had been one of the words that described me.
“Yeah… you really do look like a man.”
The moment I said it, a strange ache bloomed in my chest. My voice didn’t sound anything like a man’s, yet it was still me. I reached out and gently wiped the foam beard from his face, smiling.
“It tickles~”
Ji-an squirmed at my touch, then leaned against me again. After a hesitant pause, he spoke in a small voice.
“…Mom.”
“What is it?”
I answered, bracing myself for another one of his odd questions, but the tension in his next words caught me off guard.
“…Starting tomorrow… you won’t be Mom anymore… right?”
My heart dropped. I had honestly thought he wouldn’t notice. I’d assumed he was still too young, but I had been wrong.
The warm bath suddenly felt cold. I opened and closed my mouth, unable to form a single word.
“Th-that’s…”
I couldn’t push out the simple “yes.” It was harder to say than anything I had ever uttered. Ji-an looked at me with an awkward little smile.
“It’s okay! You’ll still play with Ji-an, won’t you?”
He tried so hard to sound cheerful, but the words only twisted the knife deeper. He was only six—at an age when he should have been running around without a care—yet Ji-an already seemed to have grown up too fast.
I turned his small body so I could look into his eyes. Anxiety and sadness flickered there, though he was clearly trying to hide them. After a long silence I finally found my voice.
“Ji-an.”
He answered timidly, as if he had already given up on whatever he hoped I might say.
“Yeah…”
“If it’s all right with you, when it’s just you and Mr. Ha-jun, you can still call me Mom.”
I might regret it later, but if I didn’t say this now, I wouldn’t be able to meet his eyes again.
“Really…?”
His voice was tiny, yet it rippled through me like the water around us. I nodded slowly.
“Yes. If you want to, Ji-an… it’s okay even when the three of us are together.”
The moment the words left my mouth, a flowerlike smile bloomed across his face. The forced cheerfulness melted away, and at last he looked like a child again.
“For real? Promise! Pinky promise!”
His little finger thrust toward me, splashing above the water. I hesitated for a second, then smiled and hooked my own finger around his.
“Promise.”
It wasn’t written on paper, yet it felt heavier than any contract I had ever made. Ji-an checked that our fingers were properly linked, then grinned and shouted as if announcing it to the whole world.
“Mom! You promised! You’re Ji-an’s mom now!”
He stood up in the tub, voice ringing with pure joy. I nodded and stroked his damp hair.
“Yes, I promised.”
The instant he heard it, Ji-an burrowed straight into my arms. My body relaxed in the warm water, but my heart only grew heavier.
“Mom! Wash Ji-an!”
Excited by our new agreement, he scampered out of the tub and returned brandishing the shower puff. I stared at the small hand offering it, remembering Ha-jun saying Ji-an could wash himself. But he looked so adorable that I couldn’t refuse.
“All right, all right.”
I stepped out of the warm bath, took the puff, and began working up a lather. The steam kept the air from feeling too cold.
“Eek, it tickles~”
This was my first time washing a little girl Ji-an’s age, so every stroke of my fingers was cautious. Ji-an only flailed his arms and laughed, clearly enjoying the tickle.
By the time I finally finished, every ounce of strength had drained from my body. I let out a long sigh and looked at him; he grinned back.
“Now Ji-an gets to wash Mom!”
I felt a flicker of unease as he marched toward me holding the puff.
“J-Ji-an?”
“Yeah!”
He answered brightly but didn’t slow down. I instinctively stepped back, only to meet the hard wall behind me.
“Eep—”
The moment the puff touched my skin I yelped without thinking. The sensation of someone else’s hands on my body was so unfamiliar that ticklishness flooded over me. As Ji-an began rubbing higher, I cried out.
“Ji-an! I’ll do it myself! It’s fine!”
“Ehehe, Mom’s reactions are so funny!”
He wore a mischievous grin, but he eventually let go of the puff.
“Hehe…”
I breathed a sigh of relief at the sound of his laughter and patted his head. After we finished washing our hair, we finally managed to leave the bathroom.
“That feels so good! Doesn’t it, Mom?”
“Yes, it really does.”
I glanced around for towels, but I couldn’t spot any drawers. Ji-an looked at me, grinned, and walked over to the mirror.
“Mom! The towels are here!”
His small hand pulled one from the cabinet beneath the mirror and held it out. I accepted it, marveling that the storage was there, and began drying his hair. He pointed to the next cabinet.
“And Ji-an’s clothes are in here!”
The words reminded me of my own clothes. I realized I only had one set of underwear, and even that was still damp from the rain.
I glanced at Ji-an, then quickly shook my head. With no other choice, I cracked the bathroom door open and called out softly.
“Mr. Ha-jun… do you… happen to have any clothes I could borrow?”
My voice shrank until it was nearly inaudible. Back at the fitting room I had shown him underwear without embarrassment, but now even asking felt mortifying.
“Ah… I don’t think so…”
He sounded flustered. Swallowing my shame, I continued.
“Then… maybe some trunks…?”
“Oh! Right next to Ji-an’s clothes there should be some in that cabinet.”
I closed the door, turned to the cabinet, and after drying off roughly, opened the drawer. Inside were oversized short-sleeve shirts and several pairs of trunks. I stared at them for a long moment until Ji-an asked curiously from beside me.
“Mom, are you wearing Daddy’s underwear?”
My face burned. The phrase “Daddy’s underwear” sounded strangely embarrassing.
“Uh… yes…”
I pulled out a pair of trunks and one of the shirts and put them on. In the mirror I looked… suggestive. The loose shirt slid off my shoulders, and the trunks barely clung to my waist, hanging halfway down my thighs.
“Haa…”
I sighed and steeled myself to step outside. Ji-an watched me with a radiant smile.
“Mom! You look like you’re in pajamas. So cute!”
“J-Ji-an…”
I covered my face with both hands. His innocent words kept echoing in my ears. After gathering my courage at the door, I finally opened it.
Steam billowed out into the living room. I fiddled nervously with the hem of the oversized shirt as I stepped out.
“Daddy! We’re all clean!”
Ji-an pattered across the floor on small feet and threw himself into Ha-jun’s arms on the sofa. The sight felt exactly like the family I had once dreamed of.
“Seoyeon?”
“Mom!”
The sound of both of them calling me snapped me out of my thoughts, and I walked over to the sofa. As I approached, Ha-jun averted his eyes.
“The clothes… are a bit big on you.”
“Ah. Yes… they are quite large.”
Even though I only answered, my hand unconsciously clutched the hem. Ha-jun seemed equally awkward and kept his gaze carefully elsewhere.
“Tomorrow… once your clothes are dry, we should go buy some new ones.”
“Yes… we should.”
The conversation was thick with discomfort; only Ji-an tilted his head in innocent confusion.
“I’m hungry! Let’s eat!”
His words cleared the heavy air, and we suddenly remembered it was still early evening.
“Rice! I’ll make—”
I spoke without thinking, wanting to repay their kindness, but I had never truly cooked before. Sure, I could manage soy-sauce egg rice, instant noodles, or grilled spam, but that hardly counted as cooking. When I faltered, Ha-jun smiled gently.
“Men usually aren’t very good at cooking. I didn’t know how until my wife left, either.”
He glanced toward the kitchen and continued.
“But… if it were just me, maybe, but I couldn’t feed Ji-an delivery every day, so I learned.”
“Th-then I’ll help!”
The faint smile on his face carried a trace of loneliness. Seeing it, the words tumbled out before I could stop them.
“It’s all right. Today I’ll treat you both.”
“Then I’ll at least put the laundry in!”
I desperately searched for something useful to do, and Ha-jun nodded.
“The washing machine is on the back veranda. Just put the clothes in and it will dry them automatically.”
Following his instructions, I gathered the clothes we had worn today along with Ji-an’s and loaded the machine. When I returned to the living room, one thought lingered.
Next time, I want to cook for them.