20. Idol (4)
The lecture hall was empty. My phone rang out alone. And there was Han Seol. Her eyes were inevitably fixed on the phone making the noise.
It must be... a coincidence... right...?
The timing was too perfect. Right when she'd sent the email, my phone went off.
...No way that could happen.
Suhyeon sunbae...
'The person I like isn't that popular, so he probably doesn't know.'
No way...
'More than anything, he's someone who works so hard that I can't stop watching.'
The image of him scratching his cheek shyly overlapped with my retina. Han Seol shook her head vigorously.
It was a slim possibility. No way that person was my sunbae.
She stared intently at the email window on her screen.
Was it nerves? The moisture on her fingers kept interfering with the touch.
Yeah, no need to overthink it. She could just send the email once and know right away.
She typed a casual greeting.
Her heart pounded so hard it made her queasy. She was denying the possibility, but her heart showed no signs of calming.
She placed her slender index finger on the send button. Right in front of her was Suhyeon's phone.
I'm just having a ridiculous delusion right now. This will clear up all the misunderstandings.
Then I can go back to my normal life. Conform to reality, ignore everyone around me, stand alone.
Just as she squeezed her eyes shut, steeling herself to press down hard—
Creak!
The lecture hall door slid open. And then.
"You're... diligent again today."
Yawning and stretching, he approached her.
"What're you doing? In front of my phone."
As he drew closer, Han Seol flinched and hid her phone. A reflexive action.
"...S-sunbae's phone was on the floor, so... I was just picking it up for you...!"
Her tone was laced with urgency, but Suhyeon was so exhausted he didn't notice.
"Oh? Thanks."
Han Seol let out a sigh of relief. But there was still the unresolved issue.
Asking directly might actually be more certain.
She opened and closed her mouth repeatedly. She had to say it. Had to ask.
Her mind endlessly berated her, but the words wouldn't come out rashly.
What then? Even if, by some infinitesimal chance it was true, and she revealed herself—what guarantee was there he'd be happy?
It might not be a touching reunion, but the worst possible encounter.
Because he'd be disappointed. He'd regret having a fan like her.
Han Seol couldn't bear even imagining it.
In the end, she bowed her head to hide her bitten lip from Suhyeon. Her finger still hovered over the unsent email's send button.
Ding!
"...?"
I tilted my head at the email that made no sense in context. Then I realized. There had been one before this.
"..."
I gripped my phone tightly.
I'd thought all night. How to get through this crisis.
I kept worrying, trying. But in the end, I couldn't find a way.
It was her problem. The moment for her to carve her own path forward.
Whether to keep streaming—sometimes exhausting and draining, but able to bring happiness to someone—or turn away from the pain and take another road. That was all up to her.
That's why my powerlessness hit so hard.
From the email, Rie had reached her limit. She dressed it up as "forget it," but at this rate, she'd quit streaming altogether.
Terror crawled up from my toes.
I hate giving up. I wanted to see her rise again even in tough times.
I was just being selfish.
I pressed the phone to my forehead and clasped my hands like praying to God. Exhaling.
May Rie remain Rie. May she show me hope.
"...Sunbae, what are you doing."
"Ah, nothing."
Oh right, this was school. I'd almost shown my pathetic side to the junior next to me.
Tears had welled up a bit.
I cleared my throat fake-cough and pocketed my phone.
"Your expression... doesn't look good."
"Does it...?"
Probably. I was in extreme depression.
By the way, didn't she draw a line with me yesterday? Why the sudden interest.
"Sunbae..."
"Yeah?"
Han Seol calling me again. Then her delicate hand grabbed my sleeve.
"Sunbae."
Before I could ask why, she grabbed it with both hands.
"Sunbae."
She bowed her head deeply, hiding her face. But the tremor in her voice was clear.
"Thank you... for everything so far... I've only received help..."
"Uh, uh..."
I was flustered. More bewildered than happy.
At her sudden thanks, I tilted my head. What good thing happened?
Anyway, this junior who'd never shown such dramatic emotion before was teary-eyed with gratitude—so my efforts weren't wasted, I guess.
I calmed my heart and replied flatly.
"Yeah... sure."
"Yes..."
She patted my sleeve lightly. Making sure the bowed-head junior could see.
"Ah, ugh! S-sorry...!"
She jerked her head back, and her upper body twisted over. Luckily, the wall behind kept her from falling completely.
"Ow..."
"Why are you always so over-the-top in your reactions."
I covered my mouth watching her. I'd been in serious worry moments ago, but seeing my dumb junior made me laugh.
"...Ugh."
Embarrassed maybe, she covered her face with both hands. Probably a habit too.
After that, she seemed awkward, maybe recalling her own actions.
I felt a bit burdened too, so I didn't say anything.
School ended like that, and the email sound rang again.
Honestly, it was a little scary. If it was notice of quitting streaming, I'd be depressed for days.
But I couldn't avoid it forever, so I checked.
The conversation flowed continuously, then paused. She seemed to catch her breath. Or pondering what to say next.
Even if she said something creepy, I'd have nothing to respond with. I'd bared my true heart completely.
But her reply was unexpected.
That one.
I gave a wry smile and typed out a method that might feel cringy, something childish even.
The routine my dad taught me once. My personal ritual.
"Ahem, ahem."
She cleared her throat. Set up the mic, straightened her clothes.
Then Han Seol spread both hands wide.
First, thumb.
I thought I could never do it. That I'd never rise again, never fly. That no one would be by my side in the end.
Next, index finger.
But not anymore. Suddenly, I thought of sunbae. And the one person who believed in me.
Ridiculously, just that was enough to rise. To pull it off.
His words were the prelude to my advance. A lantern lighting the dark path. The trigger to spread my wings again.
Middle, ring, pinky. Back to thumb, index...
She nodded soon after. Her delicate but neat hand wrapped around the mic.
Hello! Let's start today's stream!
Today. I become an idol.